Catherine628

I have proof he cheated before the separation. It's not a legal separation so on paper we are married. Can't imagine this will reflect well on him. Give 'em enough rope....

MissFixit

oh. cheaters suck. my ex a cheated on me too.

Hammer

Fixed this a little . . . .

Danae

In my case his cheating had no bearing on anything in the divorce. Not property settlement, not child custody. You would think that it wouldn't reflect well...but depending on your state it may be irrelevant.

So sorry you are going through this.

Mountainmanbob

in most states this holds true today
in the old days cheater look out for the judge (if proven)
today ones ex could be seen doing dirty deeds with 10 others
no problem

as our morals are slipping down hill

MB

overit263

PROCEED WITH THE DIVORCE! That is just crazy town and you should get to go on and enjoy your life, and you will because you won't be with him anymore.

I'm sorry though, news like that is always like a hard punch to the stomach. I hate hearing things like that because you want to throw up as soon as someone tells you. It's good that she told you though.

Mountainmanbob

really ??
I don't think that anyone on this site knows these two (well enough)
to come straight out with that kind of advice

MB

Fandy

Get a good attorney and you can hit him where it hurts....

in his WALLET. don't tell him anything that you know, just be quiet and file. Let your attorney and the papers you serve him with do the talking.

The element of surprise can be in your favor....if he is drinking, partying and "dating" with his little friend, he won't be able to focus and back pedal fast.

Your children deserve to have a stable income and their education paid for. Don't let him steal this from them.

I'm speaking from experience, I found some satisfaction in preserving full college tuition for my daughter.

Hammer

Yeah. Sometimes colors pretty hard outside the lines.

Catherine628

If my sister/best friend/cousin/mailman were going through this my advice would be: divorce and don't look back. I know what my next steps are. I'm so glad I'm not living near him. There's a reason things happen like they do. Didn't go into detail but discussed this with my al-anon group. Couldn't help but think if I hadn't left I would be wearing an orange jumpsuit having a discussion with an entirely different group of people. And orange really isn't my color. I'm grateful al anon has tamed my homicidal rage. Never thought I would be able to get this kind of news and do anything other than blindly react. Didn't imagine I could think it through, remain calm and functional and make choices to better my life. Probably should have made those choices sooner but better late than never.

Fandy

it's not a race Catherine, you come to your decisions when you know the time is right. But you can plan accordingly so he provides for his kids.
You do deserve to have a stable loving relationship with a person who loves and respects you, married or not. He seems to be sneaky, lying and full of crap. If he wanted the marriage to work, there would be no previous cheating and no woman in a bathrobe in your driveway.
and i hate to say this, but she is sleeping in your bed ( most likely) too.
i hope you find some solutions.

patientlywaitin

Infidelity may not hold up as grounds for a divorce anymore but stack it next to an A and it gains an even better chance. Luckily more people are aware of the damage caused by alcoholism this day in age, judges are no different. There is a high probability the judge you could have also works domestic violence and child abuse cases which also unfortunately coincide with A's. Not all, but many.

What ever your decision is, you will make it when the time is right for you. It may feel awesome to tell him your little secret but what is that temporary feeling going to do for you? Your gone, in a safe place, enjoying your own serenity. I would bet not only will he try to lie but then top it off by blaming it on you for leaving. How dare you want better than what he's provided!

My mom is going through a similar thing with a long time bf. It kills me to see her hurt. It's not the first time, it won't be the last. What does change is her lack of self respect and worth. As a child, seeing the woman who raised and instilled such strength in, it completely dumbfounds me. Just a thought, is this what you want to teach your daughter as acceptable behavior from a man, her future husband? She is watching you and you are molding her, just be careful.

Good luck

Catherine628

I have decided not to tell him anything I know. I don't need to hear any more lies or false accusations. He called our daughters the other night and I could tell he had been drinking. His relapses seem to get worse. He was very paranoid and going on about how bad everyone treats him. Then would become angry and insulting. I got him off the phone as quickly as possible and didn't let him bait me. Of course I am angry and sad but I also see that I don't want any part of this mess anymore. I see just how sick he is and how destroyed his thinking has become. He used to be such a different person. I remind myself of that just so I don't feel so stupid for ever having been with him. He is just not ready/able to make any changes in himself. Guess he's just not done yet.

I think he resists divorce because it will have some very significant impacts for him and he just wants everything to stay the same so he can continue drinking and carying on. I made it too easy. Our daughter saw a new therapist yesterday. I spoke with the therapist 1st about my concerns. She pointed out that AH still has a lot of control and I have been very nice. For my part I have waited so long because I believe him when he tells me I can't make it on my own.

Big changes are ahead for sure. I would never want this for either of my daughters. My 5 yr old said one day: "Mom I'm never getting married. I don't want this to happen to me. I'm getting a good job and getting my own big house."

Hammer

Yep. The big difference being landing an airplane, and crashing an airplane is how well planned, and smoothly you bring the thing down. You have the kids on board, so bring it down slow and smooth.

A funny thing I heard from a flight attendant at an Alanon meeting -- she asked a pilot if he ever stressed about flying 2 to 300 folks around. He said No. All he ever had to really worry about was flying himself around. If he did that really well, the other 300 people were all going to come along fine right behind and with him.

Same with you Catherine -- just fly you smooth and steady, and the kids will come along fine behind you.


ummm yeah. The fork is already in her ribs -- so twist that fork.

--------------

Here is what I hope.

If the ho is in Catherine's bed, I hope he is one of those Bed Peeing drunks like folks are talking about on another thread.

And if so -- I hope he hoses down the ho in the middle of the night.

Such are my dreams and hopes.

FireSprite

Catherine, I think Fandy has it right about using the element of surprise in your favor. I'm glad you decided not to say anything but will continue to document this & future events for your divorce.

The more rope he hangs himself with, the better for you in the long run. It has much more value in the future than it does right now in terms of how it helps your case.

((((HUGS))))

Catherine628

Hammer you just made my day!!!

FireSprite

Lovin' this ^^ This is one of those quotes/visuals that I can easily recall in emotional moments. Great share, thank you!


But this....... THIS is THE Quote of the Week:

hopeful4

In my state if it was acquired during the marriage it is joint marriatal assets, meaning we both own half. Which means...he has some gal who runs around in her robe in the driveway living in a home which you own half of. Do you have equity in the home? If he wants to stay there in this state he would have to buy you out, your half of the equity.

I agree, speak to an attorney. My attorney did advise me BEFORE I file to go ahead and remove half of everything in any joint accounts so I make sure he does not take it all. I also agree...file while you have your mad on. I will have to remember that Dandylion!

Gentle Hugs...we are here for you!

Justwantnormal

This is perfect advice for anyone going through this with kids! Thank you Hammer