The out of control
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
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Hmmm...not sure how this posted when I didn't even finish the title.
But my out of control husband is now trying to control who I tell our problems too. I was invited to go see the Nutcracker with the wives of a few of his best friends, we've been doing it for a few years. This morning I emailed the other ladies and said that I couldn't attend because my husband is an alcoholic (no one knows because I've been too ashamed to admit that I'm married to an addict, I feel like his failure is more my own failure than his) and because he has made our home so volatile I'm uncomfortable leaving him alone with our daughters, additionally, I think they need the stability of me doing their regular bedtime routine with them. Apparently that doesn't jive with the LIES he has been telling people and he is not happy about it. Not my problem. But this apparently makes me "unsupportive." I haven't had him arrested, I'd say that makes me very supportive and forgiving.
But my out of control husband is now trying to control who I tell our problems too. I was invited to go see the Nutcracker with the wives of a few of his best friends, we've been doing it for a few years. This morning I emailed the other ladies and said that I couldn't attend because my husband is an alcoholic (no one knows because I've been too ashamed to admit that I'm married to an addict, I feel like his failure is more my own failure than his) and because he has made our home so volatile I'm uncomfortable leaving him alone with our daughters, additionally, I think they need the stability of me doing their regular bedtime routine with them. Apparently that doesn't jive with the LIES he has been telling people and he is not happy about it. Not my problem. But this apparently makes me "unsupportive." I haven't had him arrested, I'd say that makes me very supportive and forgiving.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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That's control and manipulation...common in alcoholic relationships. I hid things from our friends and family for years. I let it eat me away inside. It is too big of a burden for you to carry alone. My AH tried (and still tries) to control who/what etc. in regards to who I confide in and what I tell. Even now that we are separated he would rather believe that my friends are controlling me and pushing me away from him than believe that his drinking, lying, and emotional abuse ended our relationship. Don't "protect" his habit. Alcoholics' realities are different than ours, don't let his reality control yours.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Hi Stung...so, is more being revealed already? The oh sh*t! and A-HA moments can come fast & furious. Not sure if it made it's way into your first thread, but you should learn the Three C's - you did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, you cannot Cure it. His alcoholism is not your problem; you are not a failure.
Alcoholism continues to have a lot of misunderstandings and negative connotations so I have found it is best to be cautious of who I share my personal situation with. Also, my counselor gave me good advice about telling others about what was happening with my relationship - I can tell my support system, but it is up to RAH to tell his support system. It's also hard to say how the A's support system will react to this news, so all the more reason to let the A tell them.
You need to focus on you...this includes getting out & having fun with friends! Is there a family member or friend that you could leave your kids with so you can go to the show? I fully understand not wanting to leave them in AH's care, but it would be good for you to get out.
Alcoholism continues to have a lot of misunderstandings and negative connotations so I have found it is best to be cautious of who I share my personal situation with. Also, my counselor gave me good advice about telling others about what was happening with my relationship - I can tell my support system, but it is up to RAH to tell his support system. It's also hard to say how the A's support system will react to this news, so all the more reason to let the A tell them.
You need to focus on you...this includes getting out & having fun with friends! Is there a family member or friend that you could leave your kids with so you can go to the show? I fully understand not wanting to leave them in AH's care, but it would be good for you to get out.
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That's why I'm just flat out telling his friends the truth. But this isn't the first time I've told the truth, the first time I did his friends and family called him and he said I was lying and they actually believed him...because that's what you do 2 months after you have a baby. O.o
I'm admittedly still too ashamed to tell my friends what is going on. They seriously think things are hunky dory. No clue that he has been spending the night away for weeks at a time (per my request I made him go stay with his parents, totally codependent and made things sooooo much worse)
I'm admittedly still too ashamed to tell my friends what is going on. They seriously think things are hunky dory. No clue that he has been spending the night away for weeks at a time (per my request I made him go stay with his parents, totally codependent and made things sooooo much worse)
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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I actually heard them here first, so I'm not really sure, but a lot of the slogans & sayings are referenced at both AlAnon and SR.
Definitely try AlAnon...the recommendation is to try six (different) meetings to get a good feel for it and find a meeting that works for you. Some meetings do offer babysitting, and your kids are young enough that you may be able to take them with you...although you first few (or several) meetings can be very emotional and you may prefer to not have them there.
There is a LOT of shame with this disease. It was hard to open up to friends & family at first, but I'm so glad I did. They have been great support and also help me with my accountability. I have found who are true support in my life and who are not which is really a good thing overall. Some people I told directly, some I emailed and others were told through others by my request...this is your journey, it's up to you how you want to tell people & when.
Definitely try AlAnon...the recommendation is to try six (different) meetings to get a good feel for it and find a meeting that works for you. Some meetings do offer babysitting, and your kids are young enough that you may be able to take them with you...although you first few (or several) meetings can be very emotional and you may prefer to not have them there.
There is a LOT of shame with this disease. It was hard to open up to friends & family at first, but I'm so glad I did. They have been great support and also help me with my accountability. I have found who are true support in my life and who are not which is really a good thing overall. Some people I told directly, some I emailed and others were told through others by my request...this is your journey, it's up to you how you want to tell people & when.
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Well my mom knows but that's about it as far as my support goes. And AH is NOT happy that I update her pretty much constantly but good grief, this stuff is intense. I need someone in my corner, especially with small children involved.
I grew up with only one parent and when AH is drunk he tells me that I'm destined for divorce because my parents divorced. Last week his hyper enablimg morher called me and told me that she hopes her son divorces me. Nice huh? because her son is obviously perfect and I'm making up lies about his alcohol abuse and I'm a bad person for making him sleep at their house when he's hammered out of his mind. And when I've suggested that the girls and I will go move in with my mother until he is sober he tells me that will make our marriage and family irreparable.
I grew up with only one parent and when AH is drunk he tells me that I'm destined for divorce because my parents divorced. Last week his hyper enablimg morher called me and told me that she hopes her son divorces me. Nice huh? because her son is obviously perfect and I'm making up lies about his alcohol abuse and I'm a bad person for making him sleep at their house when he's hammered out of his mind. And when I've suggested that the girls and I will go move in with my mother until he is sober he tells me that will make our marriage and family irreparable.
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How about making your goal for this week to tell ONE close friend of YOURS what's going on. You don't have to give all the gory details, but just open up that there are problems related to alcohol. Chances are they probably already knew there was something wrong. Most people won't intervene because marriage is private and most of us don't take too kindly to others meddling in our affairs. Even if that person was clueless, you still have released the ugly beast from hiding and have an open line of communication with someone outside of immediate family.
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NWGRITS, because that means that it'll never get better. I am a perfectionist/overachiever and feeling like my marriage and by extension, family, is failing really hurts. I don't know that I can tell anyone else. I don't even know if my aunt knows and my mom blabs to her all week long.
I know its my own fault that I feel alone because I isolate myself when things are rough, but I isolate myself because I don't want pity. I don't want my friends looking down upon me or talking about what a crappy husband I have or what a loser my children have for a father.
I'll tell people when we become legally separated or file divorce papers. I don't think I can handle my friends not viewing my life the way they do now. And truth be told, I do have a wonderful, full, charmed life. The only problem that I have happens to be a doozy and overshadow most of the good...but I think that's where detachment comes in. My goal this week is to go to alanon. I think I'll feel less judged there since everyone is in a similar position and empathetic rather than sympathetic. I don't want sympathy. I don't want pity. What I really want is a guide for what I'm supposed to do and a annymous service to come kick my husband in the balls for being so selfish.
I know its my own fault that I feel alone because I isolate myself when things are rough, but I isolate myself because I don't want pity. I don't want my friends looking down upon me or talking about what a crappy husband I have or what a loser my children have for a father.
I'll tell people when we become legally separated or file divorce papers. I don't think I can handle my friends not viewing my life the way they do now. And truth be told, I do have a wonderful, full, charmed life. The only problem that I have happens to be a doozy and overshadow most of the good...but I think that's where detachment comes in. My goal this week is to go to alanon. I think I'll feel less judged there since everyone is in a similar position and empathetic rather than sympathetic. I don't want sympathy. I don't want pity. What I really want is a guide for what I'm supposed to do and a annymous service to come kick my husband in the balls for being so selfish.
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I think you will find, when you a start telling people, the same thing I found.
One - that your friends already knew something was not right. And
Two - that nobody is going to be shocked and go "oh NO!? An alcoholic??? How horrid for you! I have never met an alcoholic! I thought they lived under bridges?"
On the contrary, I found that every single person I talked to said something like "I'm sorry. My dad/brother/aunt/daughter was/is an alcoholic. It's a hard thing for the family to carry. Have you been to Al-Anon yet?"
One - that your friends already knew something was not right. And
Two - that nobody is going to be shocked and go "oh NO!? An alcoholic??? How horrid for you! I have never met an alcoholic! I thought they lived under bridges?"
On the contrary, I found that every single person I talked to said something like "I'm sorry. My dad/brother/aunt/daughter was/is an alcoholic. It's a hard thing for the family to carry. Have you been to Al-Anon yet?"
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I am sorry that you are going through this. I agree with NWGrits, tell one of your closest friends. I would not tell his friends. They are either aware of the problem or they aren't but you telling them isn't going to support you. They will most likely support him which you are seeing already and blame you.
Call your friends. I know that It is hard to tell people. But chances are they know something is up. Especially if you make excuses about getting together because you stay at home to give your daughters consistency and ensure their well being. It is a disease of shame but you don't have to be ashamed. You didn't cause this. Trying to control it or fix it will only drive you crazy because it cannot be done.
Stay strong.
Call your friends. I know that It is hard to tell people. But chances are they know something is up. Especially if you make excuses about getting together because you stay at home to give your daughters consistency and ensure their well being. It is a disease of shame but you don't have to be ashamed. You didn't cause this. Trying to control it or fix it will only drive you crazy because it cannot be done.
Stay strong.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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The isolation is part of the disease, and perfectionism/overachieving is part of codependency. I've got 'em too!!!
Like the others said, other people already know something is wrong and they probably do know an alcoholic, so will be respectful of what you are dealing with. I'm glad that you have told your mom and are going to go to AlAnon...those are great first steps in your recovery. When I told one of my friends, she told me about her aunt & uncle - uncle is an A, aunt is codependent - and my friend told me she was so proud that I was addressing it head on & getting support. There was no judgement. Frankly, no one that I know has as "perfect" of a life as it appears from the outside. Everyone has a struggle of some sort. I've said it before and I'll say it again...we are fortunate to have AlAnon and some excellent recovery tools available to us.
Please be gentle with yourself and focus on yourself & the kids. Try to do at least one nice thing for you every day - read a book, take a bath, get a mani/pedi, etc. Then try to step it up to getting out with others regularly - see a movie, have a playdate, meet for coffee, whatever but don't keep yourself shuttered in.
Another slogan I'd like to share with you...progress, not perfection. Just keeping moving forward and don't worry about being perfect. Being perfect is exhausting!!! The ala-manny in my home group talks about moving away from trying to be perfect...he tells stories of missing spots when he mows his lawn on purpose (and similar acts) so he is forced to realize the world moves on without perfection. I'm trying to incorporate that thinking into my own way of being.
Like the others said, other people already know something is wrong and they probably do know an alcoholic, so will be respectful of what you are dealing with. I'm glad that you have told your mom and are going to go to AlAnon...those are great first steps in your recovery. When I told one of my friends, she told me about her aunt & uncle - uncle is an A, aunt is codependent - and my friend told me she was so proud that I was addressing it head on & getting support. There was no judgement. Frankly, no one that I know has as "perfect" of a life as it appears from the outside. Everyone has a struggle of some sort. I've said it before and I'll say it again...we are fortunate to have AlAnon and some excellent recovery tools available to us.
Please be gentle with yourself and focus on yourself & the kids. Try to do at least one nice thing for you every day - read a book, take a bath, get a mani/pedi, etc. Then try to step it up to getting out with others regularly - see a movie, have a playdate, meet for coffee, whatever but don't keep yourself shuttered in.
Another slogan I'd like to share with you...progress, not perfection. Just keeping moving forward and don't worry about being perfect. Being perfect is exhausting!!! The ala-manny in my home group talks about moving away from trying to be perfect...he tells stories of missing spots when he mows his lawn on purpose (and similar acts) so he is forced to realize the world moves on without perfection. I'm trying to incorporate that thinking into my own way of being.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Originally Posted by Stung 
Well my mom knows but that's about it as far as my support goes. And AH is NOT happy that I update her pretty much constantly but good grief, this stuff is intense. I need someone in my corner, especially with small children involved.
I grew up with only one parent and when AH is drunk he tells me that I'm destined for divorce because my parents divorced. Last week his hyper enablimg morher called me and told me that she hopes her son divorces me. Nice huh? because her son is obviously perfect and I'm making up lies about his alcohol abuse and I'm a bad person for making him sleep at their house when he's hammered out of his mind. And when I've suggested that the girls and I will go move in with my mother until he is sober he tells me that will make our marriage and family irreparable.
I grew up with only one parent and when AH is drunk he tells me that I'm destined for divorce because my parents divorced. Last week his hyper enablimg morher called me and told me that she hopes her son divorces me. Nice huh? because her son is obviously perfect and I'm making up lies about his alcohol abuse and I'm a bad person for making him sleep at their house when he's hammered out of his mind. And when I've suggested that the girls and I will go move in with my mother until he is sober he tells me that will make our marriage and family irreparable.
This is where Alanon support can really come in handy. It's great that you have your mom as well (any chance she could watch the kids while you're at a meeting?). As for the MIL, I went through something similar with my axb's supercodie mom. When I told her I was leaving for the safety of myself and the children, she went ballistic. I handled that by going no contact with her for many months. I recently talked to her for the first time since September in order to ask if she wanted DS4 for a Christmas visit. Now, I did not cut off his contact with her, they spoke every Sunday- as much as a 4 yo will talk on the phone, anyway. When I did finally speak to her myself, I was able to come from a place of calm and make plans in a very matter of fact way. Her attitude had also undergone a huge adjustment. Without me there covering for things, I think she was finally able to see how bad he had really gotten- blackouts, violence, inability to care for himself, etc.
Good luck. I know you're in a tough spot, especially with young children. I hope you get a chance to try Alanon, I understand that some meetings even have childcare available. Take care of yourself and your girls, we're all rooting for you.
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"I am not an alcoholic, so don't tell anyone how much I drink."
It seems that is a fairly standard sentiment in alcoholic homes....and it seems is a key reason that people remain alcoholics.
Take care of yourself - it's ok to let him know he isn't fooling anyone but himself.
It seems that is a fairly standard sentiment in alcoholic homes....and it seems is a key reason that people remain alcoholics.
Take care of yourself - it's ok to let him know he isn't fooling anyone but himself.
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Originally Posted by firebolt
"I am not an alcoholic, so don't tell anyone how much I drink."
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