Upsetnneedhelp

I'm starting to give up on families anonymous meetings. No one seems to understand my sons problems. How can I enable if he is in prison? I send him $100 a month for canteen but otherwise he would starve. They simply don't give enough food. I believe that I'm becoming insane due to my sons addiction yet at the same time I resent the same people who want to help. I don't know what to do.

Ixi

upset, what are you hoping to get out of Families Anonymous that you do not?

Upsetnneedhelp

Im expecting to get support. Emotional or financial support? Ina a way I am at peace that my son is on a long prison. DUI's seem to be the big crime here yet my son isn't a drunk driver. He is a armed robber and I have to come to grips with it.

Seren

Hello Upset,

I'm so sorry to hear that you don't think Families Anonymous is right for you. You sounded so positive about it just a few weeks ago.

Sometimes group support isn't for some people. Have you considered working one-on-one with a counselor who specializes in addiction. They often have specific insight into the family dynamics when addiction is present in one or more members.

Upsetnneedhelp

Seren, yes I think I need a 1-1 therapy type situation. My son seems to be spiraling down IN prison. He's been caught drinking "hooch" or the alcohol that prisoners make. I told him the $100 a month is towaders snacks but, of course, he could be drinking or buying dope with it. The warden says he is back to running the dope show. I'm not sure what to do at this point. The last time he was locked up the warden told me he is a chronic drug addict that refuses to stop using. I am just afraid for his safety.

Seren

That does sound terrifying, Upset. I don't blame you for being worried. Offering up prayers for you and your son. Recently found out my stepson is drinking again...all I can do is pray right now.

Upsetnneedhelp

I've been told my a big shot pychiatrist that only 10% of alcohlic/addict achieve sobriety. I guess my post is that there is no bottom to the addict? My son will get "seg time" which is 23 hours per day in his cell. The sad part is my son has a release date yet continues to suffer in this system. He comes home a angry man that seems to take it out on society.

dandylion

Upsetnneedhelp---I know that there are support groups for families of prisoners---maybe you would feel more commraderie(sp?) with them. I don't know for sure...I'm just spit-balling with you...

dandylion

Upsetnneedhelp

[QUOTE=dandylion;4338460]Upsetnneedhelp---I know that there are support groups for families of prisoners---maybe you would feel more commraderie(sp?) with them. I don't know for sure...I'm just spit-balling with you...
Yes indeed. I just don't relate to many of you folks.

dandylion

Upsetneedhelp---No one relates to everyone else in this world. That is a fact--and that is o.k., to my way of thinking. The important thing is for you to find some comfort and some peace for yourself.

dandylion

peacesoul

feeling for you although your situation is different than mine (I'm divorcing my AH). I see a therapist/counselor 1 on 1, and for me, it helps since I basically talk my head off for an hour. She reminds me to breathe, which sounds like you need to remember too. She reminds me that you can't control everything, and that as long as (for me) my AH and I are alive, you never know what's going to happen (when I talk about possibility of rekindling relationship of some kind after formal divorce).
Last time I saw her, I was frustrated how husbands (mine and a good friend's) have made decisions/ acted in ways that hurt their wives. And how I feel I haven't done that purposeful hurt to others, and feel that I can only trust my parents to never do anything hurtful to me (purposely).
Sounds like your son should feel the same way about you, that you would never do something on purpose that could/would hurt your son. Just me thinking about and coming to terms with many different types of relationships. For your case, a parent that is trustworthy and good, but a child that does things (on purpose) that can and will hurt his parent.
Not much you can do, it's a struggle, and realization that sometimes you walk alone in life. Chin up, breathe and take care of your health (for me with near perfect health, the stress has effected my blood pressure, and I nor you should allow that to happen). We need to care for ourselves since my husband nor your son have the capability to do so, if only because of their mental and/or physical weaknesses. Keep walking forward

Florence

This is enabling. Sending the money the warden tells you not to send, telling him it's for snacks and turning the other way when he spends it on drugs and booze, justifying that he needs it because it makes you feel better to keep him flush with cash than otherwise while full well knowing that his money feeds his addiction. Minimizing and denying the serious consequences of his addictive behavior on himself, on you, and on society. Rich or poor, this is the classic enabling parent scenario.

I feel you and I understand the social and political reasons that you hate society for turning your precious boy into an addict. Addiction turned my beautiful, attractive, talented, sweet husband into a zombie right in front of me. I can't imagine this as a parent, much less layered with the nightmare of the prison system. Acceptance was a major step for me. I got there by not fighting the process anymore because the stress and anxiety of justifying my AH's addiction no longer worked for me -- 1 on 1 counseling was really important to me to get through this. I found someone who would work with me on a long term basis for a little cash per session. You sound like you're in a great deal of pain. Turn this energy on refilling your reserves -- maybe try something new.

dandylion

Upsetneedhelp---I'll tell you ho w I felt and handled it when my son was in jail. I did what was best for my own serenity. I have to sleep at night in my own skin. I decided that I didn't care what other people labeled it. After all, they didn't walk in my shoes and answer to my conscience.

I did sent certain amount of money for phone calls. I did put some money into his acccount for occasional candy bars, etc. Not enough to bankrupt me.......just what I could easily afford. It was worth it for me to feel at peace. My contract is with God (or the universe)...not with another person.

I am aware that the prison system is "another world" compared to the outside. People can get alcohol and drugs and all manner of things--even without cash money. Not much you can do about any of it, Mom---one way or another. I say to do what you think is right and what you are comfortable with.

This is sooo hard on a mother. But, many other mothers have found a way--and I think you will, too. Do what you need to do to find some peace within yourself---and, be damned what other people think. This is how I look at it.

Peace.

dandylion

Upsetnneedhelp

Thanks everyone. IDK what to with my son anymore. He seems to fit in more in the prison enviroment than the free world.

dandylion

Upsetneedhelp---this is the really hard part---we just have no control over them--not like when they were still little. We can pray for them and keep some hope deep in our hearts that the powers of the Universe (some call God) will direct their path.

This is where we turn them over to God---"Let go and let god". I think it takes us a while to be able to do this, though. We never stop loving them....we just learn to accept what is. I really think this is what unconditional love is.

My heart truly goes out to you and all us mothers.

dandylion

FireSprite

I absolutely DO agree with you Dandylion, but I also believe that if you are asking for guidance & support & then ignoring the voices of that support (as in the ways Florence pointed out in her post) that you can't continue to claim that support is unavailable and/or is ineffective to your needs just because you don't like what you hear. I believe amazing help is available to the OP if/when she is ready to accept it.

I'm not downplaying the harsh reality of prison life. My AF served a year in a federal prison, my husband has been through a slice of this system just recently. I realize it's a different bond when it is your child, but the details AREN'T different, only the emotions, IMHO.

Upset - sending you lots of prayers today, it sounds like you have been overwhelmed by your son's issues for so many years that is has (understandably) consumed you a bit.

From one mother to another, I really wish for you at least moments of peace & happiness in the middle of all of this, hopefully you have plans to see your daughter's family this holiday season so you can also be consumed by some of the Joy in your life.

(((((HUGS)))))

m1k3

Hi upset and ((((hugs)))). I have no idea how hard something like this is and wanted to make sure I said that upfront.

But, one thing in your post really jumped out at me when I read it.

Maybe the purpose of the program isn't to understand your son's problems. Maybe it's to give you the tools so that you can get a handle your problems. While I know nothing about prison I do know that dealing with an alcoholic brings a boatload of problems.

I hope that maybe with a slightly different perspective you may be able to use a program like this to help you work through your issues and problems.

Your friend,

dandylion

Firesprite...Yes...We are all lost..until we are found...

dandylion

Mountainmanbob

that is a very generous amount sent to one in prison
and
in no way would I call that enabling him
bottom line truth is -- prison is a very hard place to wake (each day)
in a way for most in prison it is as a nightmare being lived out each day
he is paying his dues to society -- period

in all of your posts you seem to only share love for your son

don't let anyone tell or try to persuade you different

probably most giving out the advice have truly not a clue of life in prison
only as seen on TV -- which even as bad as it looks -- leaves out much

Mountainman Bob

MissFixit

hi upset,

i am sorry that you are struggling. i don't know if it helps, but i was thinking about your situation and i truly don't know what i would do, but i know that i would feel conflicted and unsettled. the following are my thoughts about your situation with your son.

your son's situation is not an indicator of you as a mother or person. not sure if you are struggling with feeling responsible for him, but you are not as he is a grown man. he makes the choices to use or do bad things. that is not on you at all. you are obviously a loving mother towards him and he is mighty lucky to have you.

it is really unhealthy to compare your son or your situation to others. I DID that too for along time and it left me bitter and angry. the truth is it is a big world and everyone is just trying to survive and be happy. none of us are perfect and we are all unique individuals with conflicting emotions and none of us has a operations manual for life. i see struggle and wish for you peace within your self and with your perspective of your son.

you wrote that you didn't know what to do about your son. honestly, you cannot do anything for him. he is in jail. you can visit him if you want and if he can do that and you can send him money and/or letters. it is not my business and i do not have a child but if i was able (knowing myself) i would send money when i could to alleviate my own self-imposed guilt. that is just me though.

i also struggled with emotionally accepting my situation. I was aware of it. I was intellectually accepting, but the emotional acceptance was the hard part. that is the gut wrenching agony that many of us have faced. for me time was the major helper with acceptance. therapy was instrumental to guide me, but it was really time and separating myself from the person and pain that he caused.

i hope for you in the new year that you might try a new tactic to deal with your emotions about your son. walking through the pain seems to be the only way i found through it, but there are resources (support groups, therapy, changing things up in your life, etc) that can help guide the process.

hugs to you!