Does it ALWAYS get worse?
 

I've heard over and over again that this is a progressive disease that will get worse over time. Is it possible that this IS the worst it will get though? AH has never come even close to being physically abusive, but I do see now that he can be emotionally abusive when he's drinking. He drinks every night, but the amount can be anything from 3 glasses of wine to 3/4L of vodka. He keeps telling me he'll cut down (never that he'll stop altogether), but that never happens. I sometimes worry that my not speaking up is the only reason he hasn't really taken quitting seriously. I'm so incredibly gun-shy when it comes to bringing it up. I know that's part of the manipulation on his part, but how do I overcome that?! I'll have everything I want to say on repeat in my head from 7am - 7pm, but as soon as the kids are in bed and we're alone it's like I freeze and don't say anything. And round and round we go. I'm so desperate to believe that eventually he'll just wake up to the fact that he needs to quit AND WILL! ...and that this will happen before he gets worse. Am I the one that's lost my mind? :gaah

No you haven't lost your mind. He is an addict. He is an alcoholic. He is sick. He will lie, cheat and steal to anyone in the way of his drug of choice. You can only take care of you. You are number one. You need to get some help for yourself. He will get help, if he wants, when he wants. Take care of you.

Anything is possible.

The man I married went from being incredibly supportive to indifferent to emotionally abusive to threatening my life over a period of 20 years. In retrospect, had I known what was coming, I would never have married him. Or at least left before I was running for my life. That's my story.

So even if this is the worst it ever gets for you -- is this the way you dreamed of living your life? Being fearful of speaking your mind to the person who is supposed to be your closest supporter and ally in this life?

You haven't lost your mind. But it's easy to feel that way when you're living with an addict.

In my experience, alcoholism is progressive. Whether it takes two years or twenty or forty, who can say.

The question I would ask myself is, If this is a good as it is ever going to get, is that enough for me?

3/4 a liter? as in 750ML? or 40% alcohol?

God dang...

Even if his drinking doesn't change, his liver will at that rate. So what is better I suppose is dependent upon the observer...

living unable to speak, losing the feeling that speaking ones mind is our right.... it's not how we are meant to live.

Justwantnormal---as a matter of fact, if you look at cat scans of brains of people who have been drinking for many years--you can actually see evidence of shrinkage of brain size (enlarged ventricles). The body definitely takes a hit from continuous exposure to large amounts of alcohol. (as does brain function).

While alcohol might have brought pleasure in the early years of drinking--the body accomodates--and, eventually the same amount of alcohol no longer brings the same pleasure. The body (and brain) will come to the point where the alcohol is required just to keep away the painful withdrawl symptoms. No longer drinking for pleasure--but, to keep away pain.

dandylion

Yes, sorry to say it is progressive. When I first came to SR I was asking the same questions as you. At that time my AW was drinking 1/2 to 3/4 a bottle of wine everyday. Now, a couple of years later she is up to 1 1/2 bottles a night plus adding some hard liquor for that last added bump into oblivion. Not only is her tolerance getting progressive, her total self as a person continues to spiral downward. She has an increased sense of self loathing, perceptions, suspicions etc that all get magnified when she is drunk. The blame game has also progressed. Until lately, our children were off limits of who was to blame for all her problems in life. But as of late, even they are being pulled into the cesspool of her toxic rants.


grizz

It is progressive. However i think your on the right track as far as not beating it to death...that only makes it worse. Say your feelings and move on. Dont expect him to change unless hes ready to for him. Only you can decide what you can live with or not .

I was wondering today if rock bottom has to be hit before a person will seek help and really stick with it. My AH hasn't hit rock bottom and I'm hoping that he doesn't make things worse than they already are. But don't be afraid to speak your mind. Your wants and needs from your husband are so important and if you don't tell him how you're feeling about your current state of affairs then you're not going to have them met.

Ask any bartender and I'm sure they'll tell you the speed of the downward spiral may vary but the trajectory doesn't.

If you are too scared to speak up, he's created that fear in you in subtle or not-so subtle ways.

I have been there. I remember opening the pantry door, finding ah drinking in there, shutting the door and going about dinner with the family as though nothing had happened. That's how I lived for years and years, though that may have been one of the rare times I actually caught him in the act.

When I finally started Al-Anon, i found that I still hardly had the will to speak to him about anything. All my energy went to wanting to get him out of my life. I don't speak to him. The drama beneath it all was practically word-less. Every word I did say in that regard led to a big fight and a few times, police intervention.

The trouble is, when you stop saying anything and go about your day in spite of the drinking, do the words in your head just fade away, too? When you stop thinking for yourself because it leads to too much strife, then you have a whole other set of problems. You start losing yourself. And that sets the stage for more abuse towards you.

The sooner you reclaim yourself and your life, the less psychological damage you will have to try to undo later.

Left untreated, it will get worse. The rate could be a couple of years to a couple of decades, but the toll on mind and body will show either way. Some A's are high bottom drunks, meaning it doesn't take a major crisis to snap them out of it and into recovery. Some are low bottoms, which are things like loss of job, home, family, car wreck, major health scare. And some, sadly, are no bottoms. Nothing will ever break the spell of the drink. Regardless of which category your A falls into, it's up to him to find recovery. Nothing you do or don't do will lead him there. What are you doing to take care of yourself in all the chaos? This is as good as it gets for right now, so what are you doing to still enjoy your life while he's drinking away his?

Justwantnormal. I agree with everyone -it is progressive. In 22 years, mine too went from adoring me to threatening my life, and wanting to look into my eyes as I died! Yes, prolonged alcohol abuse causes atrophy and some forms of dementia. I would have to say mine too was drinking three quarter a litre of vodka a few weeks ago. It can also cause falls which increase the risk of hematoma and make re occurrence more likely - thins the blood and of course, liver ,heart and kidney problems.
If you can't easily talk to your husband about your worries, then yes, you are being intimidated.
Also remember as one gets older, one is more likely to have other health conditions such as high blood pressure et al, and the alcohol will react with those.
although my AH has cut down, I am in pieces wondering if the hematoma will re occur with all he personality changes that brought, plus worrying about how the alcohol even at reduced levels will affect the medication.
Mine was high functioning for many many years! And, I guess I was in denial although in fairness, there was no internet and less media awareness in the nineties.
If he doesn't get help, sadly it will get worse.
Good luck.

Justwantnormal, i wanted to speak out on this.

One of the first things I learned here was the 3 Cs.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

There is nothing you can say that will make him stop drinking. Nothing. I know these are harsh words to hear but simply is the way it is.

For me what cam out of this awareness was if I couldn't take care of my AW, if I couldn't make her better then maybe I could start taking care of myself. I could begin my own recovery and start my own healing.

Your friend,

Thanks for all of your responses. Although not what I was hoping to hear, I suppose it was exactly what I know deep down to be true :( I've had a bit of a revelation the past couple days. I've been doing a TON of reading to try to get a handle on this - trying to just understand it. I came across a blog written by a woman who's in the midst of an ugly divorce and, with the sole exception of the divorce itself, it was as if I was reading a story about my life! Every single thing she spoke of was EXACTLY what's going on here. The blog was about divorcing a narcissist (who also happened to be an alcoholic). I feel like someone has switched a light on! IT ALL MAKES SENSE!!!! It's awful, but it's an answer. How to move from here is still a mystery, but at least the hamster spinning in my head appears to be in one of those balls that roll around now and not just on a wheel going nowhere ;)

I'm so desperate to believe that eventually he'll just wake up to the fact that he needs to quit AND WILL!

because if he does NOT get better and quit......what does that mean? FOR YOU?

Hey Justwantnormal.

I totally understand how you feel about not saying anything. I'm exactly the same, anything to avoid the inevitable argument. I always have everything in my head in a clear way ready to say and then as soon as I start he throws the usual excuses and turns the blame back to me, so generally I just don't say anything.

I too am holding onto some hope that my AH will decide to quit and will, that things won't be worse, but scary and horrible as it is, we have to accept that there is a possibility they won't and we need to work out how WE are going to look after OURSELVES.

Strange that I find it very easy to give this advice out but not necessarily easy to take myself! :headbange

Wegle
I agree with everything you said in the above post especially the line about WE have to look after OURSELVES, and it is so easy to give advice but not take it. I was asked what advice I would give a friend in my position
GET OUT I said without any hesitation yet I haven't and won't due to my cats -I have explored alternatives and to leave would mean leaving most of them - just not an option. Point I am making is we all have valid reasons if we decide to stay and many of us still have hope , although that will evaporate a few week/months/years sadly for most of us.
Sadly it does get worse in most cases........