Trial Separation

Old 12-09-2013, 09:59 AM
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Trial Separation

Anyone done a trial separation? If so, was it beneficial, not beneficial? Did you wish you'd just skipped the separation and gone straight to the divorce? Looking for any/all perspectives & experiences.

My situation: My H is roughly one month sober but not currently working any type of program although he did tell ds15's counselor that he would try AA. I've been to al-anon a few times and plan to continue & am also in counseling (started as marriage counseling but he's dropped out so I'm going alone.) Financially, it will be extremely difficult for both of us but I think I can do it with a few lifestyle changes. I am working on saving money & paying down the credit card to make it easier. Things are relatively calm at home so there wouldn't normally be any hurry to separate BUT ds15 is still living with my parents. He still hasn't spoken to AH except via text message. It's been 3 months and I just really, really want him home. It won't happen with AH home.
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Old 12-09-2013, 10:07 AM
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Well... I think I would chat with a lawyer just to know what my options are.

Where I lived, there was such a thing as "legal separation" -- meaning the minute I was out of the house I was no longer responsible for any of his expenses or behaviors, etc. That was what I needed while I waited for the divorce to be final (in my case, there was no going back, the only "trial" that was discussed was the kind you have in court).

There was also in my state something called a "separation agreement" -- meaning we basically could hash out everything as if we were divorcing, and after we agreed to it, we would have a year to have a "trial divorce" -- living separately, according to the agreement. And then after a year, we could either move back in and continue to be married and the agreement would go away, OR the legal separation agreement would become the terms of the divorce (which would then be happening without any further negotiations).

I think I would want to know what my options are, legally. And I think I would also get that 15-year-old into counseling asap. Hating your father that much is hard on a kid.
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Old 12-09-2013, 10:35 AM
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Yes, my state will grant legal separations. Distribution of joint property would also be 50/50 except for property acquired before the marriage or through inheritance/gift. The equity in our home is primarily due to inheritance funds that I received prior to our marriage. He can't afford to maintain our home. With some lifestyle adjustments, I probably can. The plan would be for him to move out. You're right though, I probably need legal counsel first.

DS is in counseling and has been for a while. Unfortunately, it's really slow going because he's not really talking honestly to anyone. I informed him that he would be attending 3 ala-teen meetings. If he doesn't like it, he can quit after 3. Or, he can quit sooner if he starts celebrate recovery (teen version) at our church. DD will be attending with him so that should help and I will be in al-anon one room over. DD's not keen on going but her counselor will support me in it. DS's counselor has already discussed it with him which is probably why he's not arguing with me even though he doesn't want to go (as opposed to DD who is arguing with me over it.)
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Old 12-09-2013, 11:40 AM
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DS is in counseling and has been for a while. Unfortunately, it's really slow going because he's not really talking honestly to anyone.
Those darn kids. *sigh* I've gone through the same thing. I think my middle kid (who's 15) sat in her therapist's office without saying bah for a full year. Made me want to tear my hair out!!! My youngest one has outright refused -- I mean, to the point of acting-like-an-octopus-on-the-doorframe refused -- counseling until just recently.

I hope he starts talking. There's so much pain inside these kids and they so need somewhere safe to let it out. I just wish they'd understand that and take advantage of the opportunity, kwim?
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Old 12-09-2013, 12:04 PM
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hi

one note about the house being paid for by your inheritance.

a member of my family used inherited money to pay off a jointly owned house. when that money went from inheritance to pay off the marital jointly owned house, that money became part of the marital asset. BOTH marriage parties became entitled to it equally as part of the marital asset. this is a sticking point in my family right now as the other party has legal right to the money even though it wasn't theirs to begin with.

check with an attorney about how it works in your state, but in NC that is how that works.
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Old 12-09-2013, 09:01 PM
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I assume you mean he will attend The Landing? If its run right it can do amazing things for those kids. That being said...i hope you and his father attend CR also, it has changed my life. It is set up so you can go as a family even if you divorce. Good luck and big hugs. Agree...talk to an attorney youll feel much more in control just to know.
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Old 12-09-2013, 10:01 PM
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My XRAH and I did a "trial separation"..while he went through an 18 month out patient chemical dep. program. 12 months in he started an affair. I don't know if that would have happened regardless...I know my husband is not a man who can be alone..he was miserable and desperate about being alone and I think that contributed. I was angry and did not trust that he was going to really get sober, he had said it many times before. If I could do it over again I would have stayed while he did the program and waited to see what was going to happen. He has almost 4 years sober now but does not do his program anymore and is not a happy person. he is still with the person he started the affair with and we are now divorced. Hind sight is 20/20 they say...but I really feel now that no marriage can improve while you are living separately unless you are actively pursuing counceling together and have a very clear plan in place.
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Old 12-10-2013, 12:15 AM
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Legal separation is a great idea, I think. Virginia just rolled it into the divorce decree, so it never took hold until the divorce was already final. Though, because we had children, if we had cohabitated at any time during the year we claimed to live apart, the clock went to zero and we had to start all over again. Such a pain in the ass, especially since I knew I wanted the divorce, but he was even more codependent than me! Anyway, my ex isn't an A (just an a-hole I knew I would divorce the day I married him), but I would still recommend a trial separation for anyone facing marital problems. If we don't have our respective sh*t together, then collectively we will just have a pile of it and tons of problems.
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Old 12-10-2013, 03:36 AM
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You might have commingled separate and marital assets. From my experience I'd talk to a lawyer AND make it a goal to separate all assets and liabilities ASAP. A clean break right now is best, whether it be temporary or permanent you can worry about later.
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Old 12-10-2013, 06:54 AM
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A few thoughts. Part of my kind of mean way of thinking is that alcoholics may not deserve benefits of being legally bound to others period. I'm divorcing my AH, even if he completely sobered up I'm not ready to be legally bound to him, too many what-ifs that I don't want to tie myself and my daughter to him (i.e. if he caused an accident and we were sued).
My AH attorney advised him to NOT pay off his credit cards, since that debt may be split between the two of us as part of the finalization. Sucks for me since that debt is all his and for silly stuff like booze and man toys. Maybe it'll stay his, but if you show the debt as marital/household, likely would be split.
In my state, no such thing as separation, divorce process is at least 6 months (with nothing contested). I'll be lucky to have mine finalized 1 year from the serve papers point. And at any point in the process, I could say, oh let's forget it and not go forward. So in some ways, no reason not to take the initial steps, especially if you have uncontested issues and don't intend to get attorneys.
On the other hand, you'll hear and I agree with the phrase 'divorce is awful, avoid it if you can'.
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Old 12-10-2013, 07:19 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
I assume you mean he will attend The Landing? If its run right it can do amazing things for those kids.
Yes, it's The Landing. I have a friend whose children attend it at our church. She recommends it. So far, DS has balked less at attending ala-teen than at attending CR. I'm not sure if that's because his counselor recommends it, or if it's because he doesn't want to admit the issues to other kids he may know at church? His youth leader does know. AH will not attend CR. He stopped attending church a year ago. I keep wavering on whether to attend CR or not. For now, I'm doing al-anon. I have told both dd & ds that I will attend CR if they want to attend The Landing.
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Old 12-10-2013, 07:34 AM
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Thank you, everyone. It definitely does sound like I need to at least have an initial consultation with an attorney. I guess I've avoided that because it feels more real/final to me? Idk.

Thanks, MsFixit & Jazzman, I hadn't considered that they may consider the inheritance joint money since we commingled the funds. They are initially traceable: inheritance straight to separate investment account, straight into our first house. The tricky part is that this is our 3rd house. I could give him more of my 401k to account for the 1/2 he's entitled to plus 1/2 of the "joint" equity in our house if the inheritance is considered separate. If it's considered joint property, I probably can't keep the house. I really don't want to uproot the kids if I can avoid it.

So many things to think about. Thankfully, I see my therapist tomorrow
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Old 12-10-2013, 11:14 AM
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Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971 View Post
I hadn't considered that they may consider the inheritance joint money since we commingled the funds.
In my case I bought my home with my money as a down payment. Later I married M and since in VA marital income is considered joint, anything paid for with marital income was also considered joint, like the mortgage on my house that I paid for.. lol

Anyway, the "Brandenburg formula" (google that one) was used to calculate an equitable share of the equity based on unequal contributions on the principal. Got a pretty snazzy excel spread sheet for free (after spending $15k on legal fees) I can share if you want it. PM me.
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Old 12-10-2013, 06:37 PM
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i think if we are CONSIDERING separation, already both kids in therapy who is not living in the home, financial destruction, confusion.....the handwriting is on the wall. so much turmoil, and what/who was the catalyst? addiction and an addict. from the outside the answers seem clear....

you said the boy won't come home if the AH is there. doesn't even really rate as a TRADE.......does it?

start from the standpoint of conceding NOTHING....he's taken enough, don't give him MORE. yes see an attorney, a hard@ss shark who is on your side.
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