Frustrated!!!
Guest
Posts: n/a
Frustrated!!!
I really don't know what to do. After years of just living with my husbands alcohol problem and finally deciding to "fix" me, I'm impatient! Is that normal? I want things fixed now! How do I deal with the fact that DH will not admit to a drinking problem, even though, I and everyone around him can see it? How do I deal with his rantings or his self-pity? I told him I attended my first Al-Anon meeting yesterday, and his whole demeaner changed. He wouldn't talk to me and when he came to bed he was drunk (of course) and kept mumbling just loud enough so I could hear, how sorry he is for making my life miserable. If he's that freakin' sorry, why won't he do something????I can't stand feeling good about myself one minute then him making me feel bad about feeling good. Or seconding guessing my feelings. I know, this will come in time, as I'm just learning how to deal with all this but I want it to happen now! How do you deal with it? Also, has anyone actually made a go of things when their spouse refuses to acknowledge that he/she is an alcoholic? I want to get healthy for me and my kids but don't know if this is possible if he refuses to admit the problem. Right now, leaving really isn't an option. I have 5 kids and have been out of the job market for 15yrs. I'm sorry for rambling, but I have no where else to turn. I'm only able to make 1 al-anona meeting a week in my area.
Thanks for listening,
Tracy
Thanks for listening,
Tracy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
Tracy,
It amazes me how we are all so alike with our thoughts. First of all, your not alone. As you see here, and in your meeting.
I share the same frustration, it is difficult to deal with. I have choosen for now, to stay with my spouse. He will tell you and anyone else who asks him, he enjoys drinking and smoking pot every day, and does not recognize that he has a problem, at all. We have been together 8 years, and have a child too. I am new in trying to work on myself and let go of him, or remove myself from obsessing over him and what he is doing. It is very difficult.
The bottom line is, you can't make them see their problem at all. It is very difficult to ignore the problem in your home too. Try to gather as much information as you can about addiction and alcohol use, come here, talk to people in your meeting group. If you want to exchange emails for support, feel free to email me if you want. It all helps.
Changing our behavior and thinking patterns about the alcoholic/addict can be just as difficult as them changing theirs about the drug.
Try to take care of yourself and your kids...
[email protected]
It amazes me how we are all so alike with our thoughts. First of all, your not alone. As you see here, and in your meeting.
I share the same frustration, it is difficult to deal with. I have choosen for now, to stay with my spouse. He will tell you and anyone else who asks him, he enjoys drinking and smoking pot every day, and does not recognize that he has a problem, at all. We have been together 8 years, and have a child too. I am new in trying to work on myself and let go of him, or remove myself from obsessing over him and what he is doing. It is very difficult.
The bottom line is, you can't make them see their problem at all. It is very difficult to ignore the problem in your home too. Try to gather as much information as you can about addiction and alcohol use, come here, talk to people in your meeting group. If you want to exchange emails for support, feel free to email me if you want. It all helps.
Changing our behavior and thinking patterns about the alcoholic/addict can be just as difficult as them changing theirs about the drug.
Try to take care of yourself and your kids...
[email protected]
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Hi,
Impatience is normal...but a quick fix it is not...change your focus...an attitude of gratitude really can work. There must be some good things in your life...your kids, your house, yard...family, friends.
Also one thing jumped out at me...you say he MAKES you feel bad...no one, but no one can ruin your day unless you allow it! That is a symptom of codependency...allowing external factors dictate how you feel...and when you can learn to accept that you can't change his behavior then some of that serenity will follow.
Impatience is normal...but a quick fix it is not...change your focus...an attitude of gratitude really can work. There must be some good things in your life...your kids, your house, yard...family, friends.
Also one thing jumped out at me...you say he MAKES you feel bad...no one, but no one can ruin your day unless you allow it! That is a symptom of codependency...allowing external factors dictate how you feel...and when you can learn to accept that you can't change his behavior then some of that serenity will follow.
Paused
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Virginia
Posts: 175
Hi
As Bonbon said - you are not alone!! I alos wanted a quick fix. I wanted everything to be normal and fixed - NOW!! But, I realized there is no quick fix. I can tell you that when I accepted the fact that my husband does have this horrific disease (came out of denial) and accepted the fact that I too have an addiction I then felt a sense of peace and serenity. Don't get my wrong - I still have my days but it seems as though my days aren't spent with as much wasted energy. It's getting easier and better.
My husband and I separated in Oct. 00'. I did not ask him to leave because I finally realized he was an alcoholic and my life was unmanageable. I asked him to leave because I couldn't stand the lies anymore and I found out that he had cheated on me and made several sexual passes with my friends. It wasn't until after I left that I realized how screwed up our lives were and that I also had a disease. If that had not happened I probably would still be living with him and obsessing, worrying, and feeling like I was going crazy. I think my HP was talking to me. I think he opened the door for me to find hapiness. I have been so depressed for along time now and after 1 1/2 years of therapy and many many self help books, al-anon meetings and coming here am I starting to see light at the end of the tunnel.
for the first time - I can now speak with love and respect to my husband even though he's drunk. Usually he doesn't even remember talking to me at all and I don't get upset anymore. That is a very very big step for me. I used to yell, scream, curse, cry, beg, pour water over him to wake him up when he was passed out, belittle, you name it I use to do it. I realized I don't like being like that. He was shocked the other night when he told me there was a warrant out for his arrest and I didn't get upset, didn't yell or anything. I was pretty proud of myself. He told me that he notices a big change in me - that he was happy for me.
But - you know in the same breathe he said his arrest wouldn't of happened if we were together because I always took care of him and made him do the right things. What a bunch of ****!!!! Still has a problem with excepting responsibility.
What I'm trying to say after going on and on is that it takes time alot of time. I know just what you wanted to hear - huh...... It's definitely not easy by any means - this co-dependancy thing is the hardest thing I've ever had to over come. Sometimes I feel like it's almost impossible and that I will be fighting this for the rest of my life. I hope not!!
Anyway, if you ever want to talk you can email me. I'm here for you anytime.
Love, Galnva
As Bonbon said - you are not alone!! I alos wanted a quick fix. I wanted everything to be normal and fixed - NOW!! But, I realized there is no quick fix. I can tell you that when I accepted the fact that my husband does have this horrific disease (came out of denial) and accepted the fact that I too have an addiction I then felt a sense of peace and serenity. Don't get my wrong - I still have my days but it seems as though my days aren't spent with as much wasted energy. It's getting easier and better.
My husband and I separated in Oct. 00'. I did not ask him to leave because I finally realized he was an alcoholic and my life was unmanageable. I asked him to leave because I couldn't stand the lies anymore and I found out that he had cheated on me and made several sexual passes with my friends. It wasn't until after I left that I realized how screwed up our lives were and that I also had a disease. If that had not happened I probably would still be living with him and obsessing, worrying, and feeling like I was going crazy. I think my HP was talking to me. I think he opened the door for me to find hapiness. I have been so depressed for along time now and after 1 1/2 years of therapy and many many self help books, al-anon meetings and coming here am I starting to see light at the end of the tunnel.
for the first time - I can now speak with love and respect to my husband even though he's drunk. Usually he doesn't even remember talking to me at all and I don't get upset anymore. That is a very very big step for me. I used to yell, scream, curse, cry, beg, pour water over him to wake him up when he was passed out, belittle, you name it I use to do it. I realized I don't like being like that. He was shocked the other night when he told me there was a warrant out for his arrest and I didn't get upset, didn't yell or anything. I was pretty proud of myself. He told me that he notices a big change in me - that he was happy for me.
But - you know in the same breathe he said his arrest wouldn't of happened if we were together because I always took care of him and made him do the right things. What a bunch of ****!!!! Still has a problem with excepting responsibility.
What I'm trying to say after going on and on is that it takes time alot of time. I know just what you wanted to hear - huh...... It's definitely not easy by any means - this co-dependancy thing is the hardest thing I've ever had to over come. Sometimes I feel like it's almost impossible and that I will be fighting this for the rest of my life. I hope not!!
Anyway, if you ever want to talk you can email me. I'm here for you anytime.
Love, Galnva
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Tracy
Gotta be honest - there is no "quick fix' for any of us. But going to a meeting is a terrific start.
Our Step One is "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/drugs/others (depending on AA,NA,CoDA versions) and that our lives had become unmanageable.
The second part, is usually obvious to us....our lives are certainly unmanageable.
But the first part.."Admitted WE were POWERLESS" is a major step (thus the 1st step) in our recovery.
It took me so very very very long to really understand that, and I still have to remind myself daily. We have absolutely NO power over another human being or their disease. Oh, we try...we talk, cry, shout, beg, manipulate,numb out, shake, get sick, have anxiety attacks, and hide most of our valuables. And guess what? It doesn't change them, it only makes us neurotic messes.
A wise friend of mine from A-Anon pointed this out to me several years ago, when I was struggling with my step work and couldn't get anywhere with it. She told me that I had never done a proper Step 1, and she was absolutely right. (God Bless you Myra for being honest with me). So for over a month, I walked around mumbling out loud "I am powerless" all day, for every situation in my life over which I had no "power". The mail was late..."I am powerless"..My husband dented the fender.."I am powerless"...my boss was in a bad mood..."I am powerless" and so on. It worked for me. I finally realized that I was not the great keeper of this planet.
Try focusing on just this one step, and no more. Think about it, write about it.
And finally, as a last chapter to this great novel, I once read that when WE try to control someone else, we give all the POWER and control to them...if they do what we want, we are happy; if they do not, we are angry/sad. You see, we gave them the power to decide how WE would feel.
We learn to "let go" of the need to control and to detach ourselves from their disease.
Hope this helps. Sorry for the lenthy reply, but there sometimes are no simple short answers.
Hugs
Gotta be honest - there is no "quick fix' for any of us. But going to a meeting is a terrific start.
Our Step One is "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/drugs/others (depending on AA,NA,CoDA versions) and that our lives had become unmanageable.
The second part, is usually obvious to us....our lives are certainly unmanageable.
But the first part.."Admitted WE were POWERLESS" is a major step (thus the 1st step) in our recovery.
It took me so very very very long to really understand that, and I still have to remind myself daily. We have absolutely NO power over another human being or their disease. Oh, we try...we talk, cry, shout, beg, manipulate,numb out, shake, get sick, have anxiety attacks, and hide most of our valuables. And guess what? It doesn't change them, it only makes us neurotic messes.
A wise friend of mine from A-Anon pointed this out to me several years ago, when I was struggling with my step work and couldn't get anywhere with it. She told me that I had never done a proper Step 1, and she was absolutely right. (God Bless you Myra for being honest with me). So for over a month, I walked around mumbling out loud "I am powerless" all day, for every situation in my life over which I had no "power". The mail was late..."I am powerless"..My husband dented the fender.."I am powerless"...my boss was in a bad mood..."I am powerless" and so on. It worked for me. I finally realized that I was not the great keeper of this planet.
Try focusing on just this one step, and no more. Think about it, write about it.
And finally, as a last chapter to this great novel, I once read that when WE try to control someone else, we give all the POWER and control to them...if they do what we want, we are happy; if they do not, we are angry/sad. You see, we gave them the power to decide how WE would feel.
We learn to "let go" of the need to control and to detach ourselves from their disease.
Hope this helps. Sorry for the lenthy reply, but there sometimes are no simple short answers.
Hugs
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: MA
Posts: 7
I know you say you can't leave because you haven't had a job in 15 years, but do you have to pay the price by staying in this marraige and being unhappy? Shouldn't your happiness & well-being be the most important factor. And do you want your kids growing up seeing this. My A (and soon to be X) once had to give his mom his paper route money to bail his dad out of jail for being passed out drunk on the side of the road. I'm sure this played a factor somewhere along the line.
Last summer I started going to a social worker who actually deals w/ alcoholism, in hopes to shed light on the disease. She taught me the signs of relapse, and the signs of recovery. My A was NOT in the recovery category. You talk about self pity so I wanted to share a little antedocte that she told me... (say it outloud) "Poor me, poor me, pour me...another drink".
Last summer I started going to a social worker who actually deals w/ alcoholism, in hopes to shed light on the disease. She taught me the signs of relapse, and the signs of recovery. My A was NOT in the recovery category. You talk about self pity so I wanted to share a little antedocte that she told me... (say it outloud) "Poor me, poor me, pour me...another drink".
Guest
Posts: n/a
Tracy,
I don't know if I had a chance to welcome you. I've been in a daze this week and missed a lot. So welcome and I'm sorry you are going through all of this. I learned that today is all that matters and making your today as good as it can be.
It's all about changing our focus. We have to learn to get our eyes off of our addict and on to all the other wonderful things in life. I lived most of my life hoping for something different. I realized recently that I missed my life by doing this.
Today is precious and you can never come back to it. I want to learn to love it just the way it is.
I'm still learning,
MG
I don't know if I had a chance to welcome you. I've been in a daze this week and missed a lot. So welcome and I'm sorry you are going through all of this. I learned that today is all that matters and making your today as good as it can be.
It's all about changing our focus. We have to learn to get our eyes off of our addict and on to all the other wonderful things in life. I lived most of my life hoping for something different. I realized recently that I missed my life by doing this.
Today is precious and you can never come back to it. I want to learn to love it just the way it is.
I'm still learning,
MG
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Tracy
I am not sure what your last post means, but by all means tell as much as you want to. We care about you, and if you are comfortable share as much as you want. It's hard to help if we don't know the rest of the story.
Hugs
I am not sure what your last post means, but by all means tell as much as you want to. We care about you, and if you are comfortable share as much as you want. It's hard to help if we don't know the rest of the story.
Hugs
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