Age for and resistance to Alateen

Old 12-07-2013, 09:30 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Ellvk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 64
Age for and resistance to Alateen

Hi everyone....
My 9 year old DD is very angry with AH. She has an individual therapist who works with her on anxiety and adoption and race related issues, and touches on her dad's alcoholism and what things are NOT her job to monitor and worry about.

I think she needs more. Based on the website, she is too young for Alateen, and she is also super resistant to the idea. "I don't WANT to be one of those people".

Anyone with experience here?

Thx
L.
Ellvk is offline  
Old 12-07-2013, 09:36 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Leana's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
Send a message to Hammer- He can offer a lot about family involvement (including teens (not sure about preteens but ask) with Al anon.
Leana is offline  
Old 12-07-2013, 11:41 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
That's a great idea, to ask Hammer.

I think it depends largely on your local alateen group. When my kids went, the teens in the group were recovering addicts, not kids of alkies, so that was totally wrong - but that was a town with one alateen group only.
lillamy is offline  
Old 12-07-2013, 11:51 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Bunnies!
 
NWGRITS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
The youngest age for participation is 9. I can understand your daughter's resistance. She has a lot on her plate already that makes her different. I would suggest telling her to try it once. If she doesn't like it, you won't bring it up again. It gives her control over the ultimate outcome, but also gives Alateen a chance to welcome her into its folds and possibly get her interested. It's worth a shot.
NWGRITS is offline  
Old 12-07-2013, 12:20 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Ellvk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 64
GRITS.... Good idea, thank you.
Ellvk is offline  
Old 12-07-2013, 12:37 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Oh sure. Our experience . . . Mom/Mrs. Hammer was pretty far off her rocker on return from Rehab. That way for MONTHS. (but I now understand that is not that uncommon). So Mrs. Hammer was pretty nutz upon return from Rehab and doing crazy rants with our daughter -- was making daughter feel crazy and daughter came to me looking for help. My first Go-To for help with Mrs. Hammer's mom. She had been very supportive on keeping Mrs. Hammer's various nuttiness in line in the past and supportive on Rehab for her.

But this time, Granna (Mrs. Hammer's mother) pretty much rolled on the kids and went totally Codie on Mrs. Hammer, as she had been so scared by the whole Rehab thing.

Daughter was slipping in school due to the stress, and the teachers came to talk to me.
I went to the school counselor and she recommended Alateen. I figured 'Duh, huh?' as I was doing Alanon for me and Mrs. Hammer was/is in AA. Mrs. Hammer went totally berserk, but I took daughter (then 10 y.o.), anyway. Daughter LOVED it. Studied it, put the stuff into practice, and recovered in her school work. She later decided she wanted to be more "normal," and is out of meetings, but is now really turned into her local school 6th Grade Social Worker. Already organized an "intervention" on an Anorexic (gymnast) friend, and other things I cannot even mention on here without breaking confidences. She is sort of my hero in this regard.

Our 9 y.o. Son has now started into Alateen as well, shortly after his 9 year birthday. He, too, thinks it is wonderful. He went because he could not resolve what to do about the crazy lies and stories Mrs. Hammer was telling (by now, we knew that Mrs. Hammer had sort of settled into a Compulsive Liar habit after Rehab). He is a very earnest Cub Scout and the idea of Mom telling lies was very confusing and distressing for him. Alateen has helped him a lot as well.

Specific to your questions -- 12 to (I think) 19 is standard Alateen. Some run a 9 -11 program, and for us locally two groups -- one just a 1/4 mile from our house, and another less 10 miles -- run 9 to 19, as one big group.

Just sat down with (now) 11 year old daughter and asked her what advice to give you (since she also is now seeking "normal.") So here is what the Social Worker of 6th Grade says --

================

Hammer Jr.: Help them find one that goes down to 9 years old, Dad [ok]. Offer that she go to one meeting. If she likes it, she can go back, if she does not, she does not have to and nothing more will be said.

=============

So there you go -- the Expert's Advice. As you can tell, I think very well of Alateen, and already went to Sponsor training for myself, so that can help the program when I finish my Steps and have 2 years Good Time in Alanon. Need help on finding a group that goes down to 9 years old?
Hammer is offline  
Old 12-07-2013, 12:37 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
I'd check with your local alateen to see what age range they allow. Ours has an 8 yr old attending. Also, our church's Celebrate Recovery has a section for younger kids (it is a christian organization.)

I wasn't having any luck convincing my teens (14 & 15) to try either group. One of the alanon sponsors attends an al-anon meeting that I attend. I asked her how to convince the kids to try it. Her suggestion was to not make it a choice. Tell them they had to attend 6 meetings before they could quit. That's the tactic I've chosen to try. I told them that they would be attending this week (weather permitting, we have 6" of snow on top of 1/2" of ice.) We'll see how it goes.
JustAGirl1971 is offline  
Old 12-07-2013, 07:40 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Ellvk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 64
Thank you! The Alanon/teen website for our local intergroup says 11-19 at most of the meetings, but I could certainly pick up the phone and call.... DD is super mature in thought and action.... Very eloquent. Her therapist says she has the reasoning and verbal skills of a teenager, but that we need to remember that she's emotionally still 9. I will do more research.

Thx so much!
L.
Ellvk is offline  
Old 12-07-2013, 11:44 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
My kids are the right age for Alateen but they refuse to go.

However, I have left a lot of Al Anon material around the house which they have read. They also actually listen when I "blah blah blah" Alanon stuff.

After my youngest was involved in fisticuffs at school last week I was speaking to him about his reaction and getting involved in violence and using excuses for violence etc while driving in the car (in my experience driving kids is an excellent time to talk with kids). Eventually he said to me: I know all that stuff Mom, it's Al Anon stuff, I agree with you and I get it. I was behaving stupidly. I get it. I was reacting instead of thinking.

I was blown away.

It seems to me I need to keep talking the talk and walking the walk and my kids get it. They won't GO to Alateen but they'll listen to my Alanaon and SR "blah blah blah" (as they call it).
Lulu39 is offline  
Old 12-08-2013, 12:04 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Bunnies!
 
NWGRITS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Leading by example is how we train our children to walk the path we are walking. Sure, nobody is guaranteed to stay on it, but we are much more likely for them to emulate us than to not. Which is why I am scared to death that my ACoA traits will become part of my children and they will end up dysfunctional like I am. I'm working on getting better, but I see the not-so-desirable parts of me in my kids. My son is quick to anger and frustration. He yells at his sister because it's what he experiences in the home. I have my older two in a P.A.T.H. group on Monday nights (Paying Attention To Hurting), where they can fellowship with other kids experiencing loss in the family (death, divorce, jail, addiction- any type of loss counts). I'm hoping that will help them like Al-Anon and therapy helps me.
NWGRITS is offline  
Old 12-08-2013, 12:09 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lily1918's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Thank you all for this thread!!!

My daughter is only 7, I didn't know that Alanon had a youth group. I worry because she has more addicts and alcoholics in her family than I care to admit and a severely autistic brother. Other than private counseling I don't know what to do

She wants to help a lot with her brother, and although I appreciate it, I worry about the issue of parentification. I most definitely am beginning to see the beginning stages of codependency in her and I am clueless what to do.

She does go to a support group once a week for typical siblings of special needs children. They focus on the three C's, but it is worded a little bit differently. The group provides a safe place to vent about her frustrations, but mainly it is to teach the young children that it is not their fault, and what their boundaries are in caregiving.

Does alateen do the 12 steps like alanon? how closely do the youth meetings resemble the adult ones?
Lily1918 is offline  
Old 12-08-2013, 09:17 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Lily1918 View Post

Does alateen do the 12 steps like alanon? how closely do the youth meetings resemble the adult ones?
It comes straight from Alanon Conference Approved Literature (sorry for the "Corporate" response, but that is how they do things to keep them clean).

The kids are in charge of their own meeting(s) as part of what is considered "empowerment." The Alanon Sponsor is usually supposed to kick back and stay out of the kids' way. And the kids tend to be razor sharp about this stuff. About like Lulu observed. After all, they too are riding the roller coaster with no seat belts. They do not want to fly off, either.

Generally the meetings seem to start with reading of the Steps and Traditions -- same as ours. From there the kids have their topics and go with them.

Somehow for the kids, the entire experience is different from Alanon (which they seem to view as mind numbing boring). I always see the kids come out from Alateen laughing, joyful and smiling.

Hardest thing for us is that Mrs. Hammer is so ego involved (views herself as the cause of the kids being in Alateen -- and rightly so) that she does not want them there and will manipulate for them to not attend. Double strange part, is that the kids learn so much good to apply in life (just like we do in Alanon) it is really more of a blessing than a curse.

All things work together for good . . . .
Hammer is offline  
Old 12-08-2013, 09:28 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
mry
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
My boys attend (15 and 13). My girls 10 and 7 have not wanted to attend and I haven't pushed it. My oldest resisted the idea pretty hard at first and it took months for him to agree to going and now they never want to miss a meeting. It is freeing for them to be around other kids who understand. Their group tends to be teen heavier although there is an occasional 9 yr old who attends sporadically. HTH!
mry is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:39 AM.