A's never cease to amaze
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: my own prison
Posts: 108
A's never cease to amaze
Got one of those strange random phone calls... My sister whom I haven't spoken to since Aug. decided she wants to meet me halfway then take my children back to IL for a few days over Xmas break.
Stunned by just the phone call itself I wasn't sure what to say, I mean a break from 4 kids? That NEVER happens for me especially since moving away from all family and friends.... I'm lucky to catch an hr!
Midway through the conversation she's explaining how she'd come to our house but her ex won't let her take her son outside of her 4hr supervised visit (which I didn't know about) Now my sis is an A who like most others will "assessorize" with anything available. She's been unreliable for yrs now, I used to pay her to watch the kids until her addiction took presedence over their welfare. Ultimately I fired her and in turn lost my job. Back to the call, I'm blown away at this point, 2 of my kids are standing there eagerly awaiting an explanation and I have seconds to find an excuse.I bailed, asked for time to think it over and hung up.
As enticing as a break can be it isn't when it's a possible danger to my children. I didn't even question should or shouldn't I, it's a given, confirmed by her rant over the ex. However I've debated how to tell her no. My first thought was to blunt, I mean, how in hell can you ask for my children when you can't even take care of yours? Not to mention how and why the courts are involved or if you can even legally be around them??? Second I wanted to be sincere and honest, tell her she's an addict and cant take my kids anywhere until she's sober for good. I don't want to lie to her but I don't want to hurt her feelings so my last thought was just to tell her I can't afford to make the drive. Which isn't entirely a lie, I could if I knocked $100 off the Xmas budget.
There was no logic in this conversation, she probably didn't even think it out before she called. I don't plan on calling her but I'd like an answer just incase she somehow remembers calling.
What's the right answer? It's obviously a no but which one will be most effective?
Stunned by just the phone call itself I wasn't sure what to say, I mean a break from 4 kids? That NEVER happens for me especially since moving away from all family and friends.... I'm lucky to catch an hr!
Midway through the conversation she's explaining how she'd come to our house but her ex won't let her take her son outside of her 4hr supervised visit (which I didn't know about) Now my sis is an A who like most others will "assessorize" with anything available. She's been unreliable for yrs now, I used to pay her to watch the kids until her addiction took presedence over their welfare. Ultimately I fired her and in turn lost my job. Back to the call, I'm blown away at this point, 2 of my kids are standing there eagerly awaiting an explanation and I have seconds to find an excuse.I bailed, asked for time to think it over and hung up.
As enticing as a break can be it isn't when it's a possible danger to my children. I didn't even question should or shouldn't I, it's a given, confirmed by her rant over the ex. However I've debated how to tell her no. My first thought was to blunt, I mean, how in hell can you ask for my children when you can't even take care of yours? Not to mention how and why the courts are involved or if you can even legally be around them??? Second I wanted to be sincere and honest, tell her she's an addict and cant take my kids anywhere until she's sober for good. I don't want to lie to her but I don't want to hurt her feelings so my last thought was just to tell her I can't afford to make the drive. Which isn't entirely a lie, I could if I knocked $100 off the Xmas budget.
There was no logic in this conversation, she probably didn't even think it out before she called. I don't plan on calling her but I'd like an answer just incase she somehow remembers calling.
What's the right answer? It's obviously a no but which one will be most effective?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,896
It wouldn't be much of a break if you would be worried about their safety, so, I'd pass on that offer. I wouldn't call her back or even acknowledge that you received her message. Chances are, she won't remember she even offered, but if she should remember, you can always just say you never got the message and have made other plans.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
"No" is a complete sentence. Heard that over and over when I went through a family recovery program. It's okay to just say "no", we don't have to explain/justify/rationalize it to anyone. No need to try and make the other person understand or see our point. That was hard for me at first. But I use this all the time, and now I have no problem saying "no" when I'm uncomfortable with something.
If/when you hear from her again, just tell her "no".
If/when you hear from her again, just tell her "no".
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I would not let her watch my dog...juet saying. I agree..,what kind of break would it be for you and would your kids be safe?? Doubt it. You may as well just tell her the truth so it does not keep coming up. Just my take on it....
Good luck!
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
I agree with others, no way, and you're right, maybe she won't remember.
If she does, you can say something like "I appreciate the offer, and because I love you / because you are my sister I am going to be honest and tell you
that because of your addiction I would not be comfortable leaving my kids with you alone.
I hope you choose to deal with your addiction so that this can change, but that is up to you." or something along that line.
You can give her, in short, a compassionate no.
Maybe ask her for a holiday lunch to see the kids if that would be acceptable to you and they have a relationship with her.
A controlled short visit with no substance abuse as admission criteria.
Only the contact you feel good about should be offered. If that is zero, that's fine too.
Good luck with this one.
If she does, you can say something like "I appreciate the offer, and because I love you / because you are my sister I am going to be honest and tell you
that because of your addiction I would not be comfortable leaving my kids with you alone.
I hope you choose to deal with your addiction so that this can change, but that is up to you." or something along that line.
You can give her, in short, a compassionate no.
Maybe ask her for a holiday lunch to see the kids if that would be acceptable to you and they have a relationship with her.
A controlled short visit with no substance abuse as admission criteria.
Only the contact you feel good about should be offered. If that is zero, that's fine too.
Good luck with this one.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: my own prison
Posts: 108
No is a complete sentence? Lol I'm gona have to use that one on the kids 
I don't think I can remember the last time I didn't have to follow up with a 5pg dissertation or at least "because I said so!"
The lunch idea would be great if we were a little closer, (6hrs in decent weather) that is just another reason I won't be sending them. It's to risky and if something did happen I'm to far away for comfort. My eldest is having a hard time understanding why I've said no, the kids all adore her but they have no clue that what makes her so bubbly, energetic and fun is alcohol, cocaine and rx meds... Now that the kids are getting older and have experience addiction issues first hand through my rah, I feel a little more comfortable discussing it with them but it hurts, I don't want to demean or devalue her.
Still hopeful she will forget but if not I think I will try wholeheartedly to be honest with sincerity and tact. That last ones a biggy! I was never meant to be a southern bell.
I don't think I can remember the last time I didn't have to follow up with a 5pg dissertation or at least "because I said so!" The lunch idea would be great if we were a little closer, (6hrs in decent weather) that is just another reason I won't be sending them. It's to risky and if something did happen I'm to far away for comfort. My eldest is having a hard time understanding why I've said no, the kids all adore her but they have no clue that what makes her so bubbly, energetic and fun is alcohol, cocaine and rx meds... Now that the kids are getting older and have experience addiction issues first hand through my rah, I feel a little more comfortable discussing it with them but it hurts, I don't want to demean or devalue her.
Still hopeful she will forget but if not I think I will try wholeheartedly to be honest with sincerity and tact. That last ones a biggy! I was never meant to be a southern bell.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by patientlywaitin 
No is a complete sentence? Lol I'm gona have to use that one on the kids I don't think I can remember the last time I didn't have to follow up with a 5pg dissertation or at least "because I said so!"
I don't think I can remember the last time I didn't have to follow up with a 5pg dissertation or at least "because I said so!" I think I would be that simple about it, "No, thank you, but that just isn't going to work out for us." If she pushes, I also agree that tactful honesty is the way I would go with it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
