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I told him....

Old 12-05-2013, 10:02 AM
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I told him....

Well, yesterday I called AH and told him we need to sit down very soon and discuss things because we will have to separate after the holidays. I told him I hope we can be adults about all of it and that we both love our kids more than anything and have years of coparenting them and hopefully we will be able to do so and not be at each others throats.

He cannot seem to grasp that I am being very real about this. Last night DD had an orthodontist appt about 30 mins away. Normally he does not go but last night decided to ride along which is fine. We are not fighting or anything, I am simply quite detatched and miserable how he makes me feel and have realized I cannot continue in this way.

At bedtime he says, "So I think today has been a pretty good day." I am like, "What?" He continues to ask me why I don't think it has been. I say...um...because we discussed the need to separate and maybe for you it has no affect but for me it makes me sad and anxious.

He goes on to say how he is going to prove to me we don't need to do this and how things will be better now.

Really....after all the BS you think you can do it now?!! I don't think so! However, I just let him quack away, as I realize he believes it even himself. That's ok..I am still preparing to do what I need to do on my side of the street. Just frustrated that he does not seem to take me seriously.

We are getting ready to get 8-10 inches of snow and ice here. Hope everyone is safe where you are!
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Old 12-05-2013, 10:06 AM
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This response is to be expected. It's frustrating but his denial is his issue to deal with; you have enough on your plate.

You've been very strong. I hope you are taking a little bit of time to do nice things for yourself in the midst of everything.
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Old 12-05-2013, 10:31 AM
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Actually I am taking time to do some nice things. My family is very into the holidays and they are great, so we have lots of stuff planned as well as stuff with my girls. I am just one of those people who once I decide to do something I just want to get it over with.

I will let him deal with his denial and keep marching on. Thank You!

Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
This response is to be expected. It's frustrating but his denial is his issue to deal with; you have enough on your plate.

You've been very strong. I hope you are taking a little bit of time to do nice things for yourself in the midst of everything.
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Old 12-05-2013, 11:36 AM
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Good for you for sticking to your guns. I know this isn't a decision that came easily or without doubts.

I don't doubt that in his mind he views everything so differently than you do. It took me a long time to realize that RAH truly believed that getting along for a day or 2 somehow corrected the disagreements we'd had just before. I was amazed at how our POV could be so different & initially I really thought he was doing it on purpose to put on the impression that HE was perfectly FINE and *I* was the one with THE PROBLEM. And it DID appear that way by that time.... I was emotional & seemingly irrational due to dealing with him & he was Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky without a care in the world.

Maybe that was true at times, but there were definitely those times where he truly, honestly believed what he thought/interpreted ("she said we have issues, I have time to work this out") and not what I had actually said ("we have had ongoing issues that are not getting resolved, it is time to move on now"). It was a BIG problem in his earliest days of recovery.... I felt like we spoke 2 different languages.

Actually, that is still a problem for him even though it has gotten tons better - he interprets instead of listening. I told him just yesterday that good communication isn't just about expressing yourself clearly, but also about paying attention when you are listening so that you actually HEAR the person speaking.
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Old 12-06-2013, 11:31 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Well, yesterday I called AH and told him we need to sit down very soon and discuss things because we will have to separate after the holidays. I told him I hope we can be adults about all of it and that we both love our kids more than anything and have years of coparenting them and hopefully we will be able to do so and not be at each others throats.

He cannot seem to grasp that I am being very real about this. Last night DD had an orthodontist appt about 30 mins away. Normally he does not go but last night decided to ride along which is fine. We are not fighting or anything, I am simply quite detatched and miserable how he makes me feel and have realized I cannot continue in this way.

At bedtime he says, "So I think today has been a pretty good day." I am like, "What?" He continues to ask me why I don't think it has been. I say...um...because we discussed the need to separate and maybe for you it has no affect but for me it makes me sad and anxious.

He goes on to say how he is going to prove to me we don't need to do this and how things will be better now.

Really....after all the BS you think you can do it now?!! I don't think so! However, I just let him quack away, as I realize he believes it even himself. That's ok..I am still preparing to do what I need to do on my side of the street. Just frustrated that he does not seem to take me seriously.

We are getting ready to get 8-10 inches of snow and ice here. Hope everyone is safe where you are!
My AH does this too. Each and every time I tell him that I'm unhappy and if things don't change we are going to have to separate. That begins our cycle, he "cuts down", (never quits)and his behaviors improve for a while and he is more involved and helping around the house till he thinks things are "good" again and then he starts increasing the amount he drinks and we are right back to square one. To him I really think he thinks he can do it but then it all comes spiraling down again. It's hard for me, because I easily get sucked back into the "what if this time it's really different". My advice is to look at his behaviors and not what he says. If he truly means it, he would be doing everything possible to stay sober and change things. It is a disease, a serious addiction and without formal treatment and a continued recovery plan (AA or Addcition therapy) the odds are stacked way against them and they will not be successful.
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Old 12-06-2013, 11:56 AM
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So, we're living parallel lives? My AH is continuing the idea of 'buying his own house' and still doesn't know the laws in our state and I don't feel like arguing so I drop the rope and don't inform him. If he wants to know, he can call a lawyer himself and figure it out.

Hang in there, he's going to try all different tactics, at least mine is now and it changes from day to day. One day he's the victim, the next day he's compliant, and the next day he actually seems humble and willing to work things out amicably.

So glad you have lots planned around the holidays. We don't have family here so I struggle to get us involved and keep busy. Honestly, I'm just looking forward to it all being over this year so I can assess what January is going to bring to us and to me. Hugs to you!!!
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Old 12-06-2013, 12:02 PM
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Remember, you don't need his permission/approval/acceptance to move on with your life.
You'll never get it anyway.
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Old 12-06-2013, 12:10 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Actually I am taking time to do some nice things. My family is very into the holidays and they are great, so we have lots of stuff planned as well as stuff with my girls. I am just one of those people who once I decide to do something I just want to get it over with.

I will let him deal with his denial and keep marching on. Thank You!

Good for you. I know how much you've struggled with this. You have great strength, sitting him down for THE TALK and then being able to let go of his reaction. I think alcohol shrinks their brains while simultaneously thickening their skulls. Hard to make them "get it", if they ever do. May you and your girls wring every last drop of joy from this holiday season!
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Old 12-06-2013, 12:22 PM
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He must buy his rose tinted specs from same place as my ex.He is in rehab 5/6 weeks,we talk once a week on phone,several times he has asked me to visit,i said I would not visit as I don't think he accepts we are over,his response is he has accepted it,then says ,maybe we will get back six months down the road,i said ABSOLUTELY NOT,i am not going down that road again,then as I am hanging up,i get I LOVE YOU SWEETHEART...WTF,fantasy land.
Stick to your guns,and do what you need to do for you andyour children,
Enjoy the snow,8/10 inches sounds lovely(for a day .anyway)
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Old 12-06-2013, 12:25 PM
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I once heard its the saying it out loud part that we fear the most, and now you've made it over that hurdle. Very empowering!!!

Keep sticking to you and doing what is best for you and moving forward. Your going to be just fine. It may be a bummpy ride but certainly a very survivable one.

((hugs)))
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Old 12-06-2013, 04:26 PM
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I had the matter of fact talk for at least six months before everything went down. Or rather, I was having the matter of fact talk and he kept lying to my face. So irritating. I really hope you enjoy the holidays!!!
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Old 12-06-2013, 07:15 PM
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Thanks to all of you. There is some relief in my own acceptance at least. Ive spent way too much time worrying about how this will affect him, not doing that anymore. We got about a foot of snow and i just watched movies and made snow icecream after an extra day and a half off. No alcohol in the house and no one can leave, sort of peaceful for once for all of us. Rearranged my little girls room and put up her pink tree that she loves. Good times now at least. I cannot even tell you all how much i appreciate your being behind me. It means so much. Hugs and many blessings to all!
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Old 12-06-2013, 08:07 PM
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You will make it through this hopeful!
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Old 12-07-2013, 02:03 AM
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Hang in there hopeful. When I left my AH, 15-16 years ago, or rather when I decided we were over and he had to go to work mandated rehab anyway, so it worked out fine, I was SO done. I had wanted to to make the call forever and didn't. Like you the pattern of repeating did repeat..and for a long time! But when I made up my mind. It was really made up. It. Was over I was done and ther was no urge ever to change my mind, I even tried to months later. He had sobered up but I was beyond going back. Best of luck to you.
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