JustBarely

Have you ever had one of those moments where you wish that it was physically possible to throat punch alcohol for all of the things that you've had to do for it and the person that you love that uses it? I can't count the moments anymore. I have 8 years of those moments, and to be quite honest, I'm exhausted…and angry…and fed up…and disgusted. Mostly just angry.
I'm looking for support, and I'm hoping I've come to the right place. I want, actually need, to know that I'm not the only one; that there are other's out there experiencing/have experienced what I am; that there's some sort of hope.
I've been with my alcoholic husband for 8 years. One month ago I finally hit my rock bottom, so to speak, when he called me from across the U.S. while on a business trip and told me that people, both dead and alive, were chasing him and trying to kill him and that he was just going to let them kill him, but when he would turn around, they disappeared. Then he was just going to kill himself. Then he fell down a 200foot slope into a Theory of a Deadman birthday party where Ron Jeremy bought him a drink and he was surrounded by motorcycle gang members that were plotting to kill him. This was the night that I found out that too much booze bombarding an already fatty liver can cause toxins to build up in the blood producing hallucinations. Worse yet, he hung up on me and I was up until 5:30 AM trying to search for him in a city I knew nothing about. 5:30 was when he finally made it back to his hotel and was told by security to call me. He had no recollection of any of this happening, or even calling me. He had, once again, blacked out. I was done at that point. I told him that I wanted a divorce, as I have many times before, but this time I was serious. He somehow talked me into staying and, once again, promised that he would stop drinking and go to AA.
Enter sobriety…it's been 1 month and he still hasn't had a drink. I should be proud of him, right? In all honesty, I believe that him being an alcoholic was easier. At least I knew how to deal with his drunk ass. I knew how to drag him from the kitchen floor into the bedroom so that our kids didn't see him. I knew how drunk he had to be before he couldn't find the toilet so he would just whip it out and pee all over the floor, and when that happened, I knew how to feel when I was on my hands and knees cleaning it up so our kids wouldn't step in it and he'd look down at me and call me worthless and tell me that cleaning up after him was the only thing I was good for. I knew how to hide it from my kids, my family, even myself. Sadly, I had just gotten used to it. That was my life, and I dealt with it. This new, and supposedly improved version, of my husband has me more mad then any of that, and every other stupid act he pulled while drunk, ever did.
Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that he finally decided to SERIOUSLY quit. Knock on wood that he actually sticks to it this time since this is probably the 1,001 time that he has, but the longer it goes, the more resentment I feel. Maybe it's because I'm removed from the situation more now and realize how truly messed up most of what he did really was. I really don't know. What I do know, however, is that my resentment keeps building. He doesn't want to talk about anything that has happened in the past, much less apologize for any of it. He constantly seems mad about something, often flying off the handle for no real reason. He is blaming me for absolutely everything, whether it's how he doesn't have any friends anymore or how I drove hime to drink, etc. The worst offense in my book though is how he is now trying to control things that happen with me and the kids as well as around the house when he couldn't have gave a crap less before. This is the worst for me because my home is my safe place. If I had control in nothing else while he was on a bender, I had control of my home. If something got done, it was because of me. When my kids got fed, bathed, read a book, tucked in, sung a lullaby, etc. it was because of me. My home is my environment, and even though I know that I'm somehow wrong in thinking this, he is invading my turf now and I feel violated. Am I just sick of him being here? I don't know! Heaven forbid though that I try to explain any of this to him. I don't want to be the reason he goes back to drinking. He is just so concentrated on himself and how hard this is on him that he forgets everyone else that his alcoholism affected negatively. I realize that it's early and that some things will come with time, but I'm out of patience. I want to feel acknowledged for all the things I've been put through. For all the times I saved him from the embarrassment of being found the morning after by one of the kids. I want to hear how he was wrong and how much of a jerk he's been all these years and how he should've quit a long time ago. I want a thank you for all the times that I saved his butt. This is how I really feel. Maybe I'm wrong. This is my first time. Yet the sad part is that I feel guilty for feeling all of this; like I'm still somehow blaming myself for him being an alcoholic. I know better, I do, but it's hard to break that cycle of thinking when it's been such a huge part of your life.
All this time I've been making excuses for him. Well at least he only drinks socially. Well at least he has a wonderful job that allows me to be a stay at home mommy. Well at least he's great when he's sober. Well at least he doesn't hit me. Well at least he's a great daddy when he's not drinking. I could go on and on… Maybe it is my fault for enabling him by making excuses and by always saving his butt. Maybe I should've put it all on him and let the pieces fall where they may. Maybe it's my own fault for not leaving him years ago. Again, I could go on and on.
I'm looking for some reassurance that what I'm feeling isn't completely selfish of me and that it's, dare I say, normal? Someone, anyone that's been through it…help me out. Is how he's acting and what he's doing expected/normal? I just don't know what to feel anymore. Maybe I just need to shutoff my "give a crap" switch.
I'm lost...

Seren

Hello JustBarely, and Welcome!

You have definitely found the right place. Sadly, your story is not at all unfamiliar to us here.

I hope you will take the time to read around this forum, and especially the 'stickies' at the top of the forum. There is a lot of combined wisdom here.

Oh, and feeling as though you want to leave even though he's been sober a month--that's not selfish. Only you can decide wether or not you will be able to trust your husband, or his sobriety, again.

Booo

Ok let me be the first to say ....whoops 2nd to say...and and I will keep it short I hope, because there are people here much more qualified than I am. Guess what. You are Normal, you are not crazy, and yes you "should" be happy, but this man has left a trail that he indelibly etched into your life...and you adjusted to it...no matter how sick that sounds, we all have in one way or another...now your "normal" has been ripped out from under you. All the success you created while he was on a bender, he now whats to be a part of, girl....you Built that, right? Andhow dare he want to lay claim to it.
So what I am not saying is that you are "right" but I am saying your feelings run to normal. Yup your previous conditions were extreme. Now you have been let out of this jail and hell hole, but you have been in there so long you have no idea what to do now.
He owes you an huge thank you a million times over and hopefully you will get it....if he works the AA program, you will more than likely get that. Others may be able to speak to when.


Now I will let the others chime away, I just want you to know you are not alone. Best of luck.

ResignedToWait

I think this really hits the nail on the head.

When my STBAW is white-knuckling her way through life, on a week or two long sober streak, I can barely sleep...because it causes me so much anxiety about what she is going to do next.

When I can confirm that she's started binging again, I sleep like a log...because I know that she is only able to focus on one thing, drinking...and there's nothing I can do about that, so it relieves all the stress. The ultimate detachment.

hopeful4

I hear you. The anger and resentment builds and sometimes there is no going back. Being sober does not fix it all. An ass is an ass. The thing is, you dont need alcohol to not like who he is....if you dont you dont and thats ok. I suggest a Celebrate Recovery or alanon meeting to help YOU, along w therapy. Good luck and god bless!

honeypig

Seconding the recommendation for Alanon to help you focus on yourself, how to detach from the craziness and get a little peace and clarity. SR is a wonderful community, but it's not a bad idea to have some real-world support also.

Read here as much as you can, and I believe you'll feel less and less alone in your feelings and thoughts. You're in a really tough place, and everyone here can relate.

Welcome to SR.

dandylion

Justbarely, it is extremely common for the partner to find early recovery (at least the first year--but, can be longer) is worse that the origional active drinking period. In addition--of the alcoholic marriages that break up--a huge number happen in the early sobriety period.

You need as much help as he does---He has AA and his sponsor and counselor to help him.

Have you considered seeing a lawyer to explore a legal separation? A separation to leave him to his devices as he is getting into recovery---AND GIVING YOU SPACE TO GAIN CLARITY ABOUT YOURSELF AND WORKING ON YOURSELF WITHOUT HIS MOODS BEING THE CENTER OF YOUR LIFE. Not to mention the stressful environment that this is providing for the children. Trust me, they are feeling this, also.

I offer this as food for your thought.

dandylion

Recovering2

Is he following a true recovery plan, or just avoiding alcohol??? From your description of his current behavior, he sounds like a "dry drunk"..someone who isn't drinking but isn't in recovery. The A can't keep that up forever. If he doesn't do real work, and learn how to live life differently, then he will ultimately relapse. And he will likely blame you or the weather or the job etc. He will most certainly not accept responsibility.

You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. If he drinks again, it has nothing to do with anything you do or don't do. He will drink because he's an A...period. This is definitely a "contagious" disease, those of us who live with an active A become just as ill as they are. We can't save them, but we can most certainly save ourselves.

Everything you are feeling is normal. And it will eat at you until you start to focus on taking care of you. 1 year ago I was you...completely. SO angry and resentful, it was killing me. I finally went to Alanon, out of desperation. 1 year later, I can honestly say my anger is long gone. I am able to detach from the A's in my life, maintain healthy boundaries, and find my own happiness. You can get there too. But you have to commit to saving yourself. Find an AlAnon meeting near you, go to that first meeting, and start on your new journey. (((hugs)))

HopefulinFLA

Just Barely,

Welcome to SR! This forum has been a sanity saver for me, and I hope you find the same here.

You are not crazy, or selfish, or wrong to feel the way you feel. I think we've all felt as you have. Just because they have the "disease" of alcoholism, doesn't mean we don't have the right to our feelings. You are not a martyr, you are a human being. If you feel it, let it be.

As far a normal behavior in the beginning of recovery, I've read all kinds of different things. I think it's very individual. My RAH has been sober for almost 3 months now. The first 2 months he drove me nuts with excessive phone calls and text messages while I'm at work (5-7 calls a day!), an almost manic need to stay busy, and incessant talking! He's finally seeming to level out in that respect over the last 2 weeks.

Other than reading SR, I go to an occasional Al-Anon meeting. It feels great to be around people who "get it", and there's so much to be learned from the veterans there. I always always feel better after going to a meeting. I was an angry, anxious, miserable wreck up until about 6 months ago. Now I find I'm learning to detach (yep, your give a crap switch!) deal with my anxiety, and let go of the things I can't change.

I hope your able to find some peace and serenity here with us. Please keep reading and posting, it really helps. We want to hear from you.

Quish16

You have come to the right place. For me it was a life saver because back in april I really thought I was the crazy one!
Do try and get help for yourself via Alanon or a therapist and do look after yourself.
Others are much more qualified than me - I still have a long way to go but I wanted to let you know you are not alone and you will get help and support and empathy here.
Hx

JustBarely

Thank you everyone for your replies…really. It helps so very much to know that I'm not alone. I spent the better part of last night searching the internet for information for spouses of alcoholics, and found that there wasn't much out there. I saw plenty of information for RA's, but not very much that was helpful for my situation. I'm so very happy I found this site, and have the feeling that I'll become a regular here. I've spent a good part of the day and night just reading through posts and I'm amazed at the knowledge that it's provided me.
He went to his first AA meeting last night. That's the farthest he's ever gotten in his recovery. I wasn't talking to him last night, hence my rant, but he told me a bit about it today. It turns out that one of his very good friends that he used to spend every weekend drinking with is also a member. He's been sober now for 22 months and is his sponsor. I sincerely hope that it makes this process easier for him. It's not that I don't want him to be successful. I want the very best for him, whether or not we stay together. Ive made it clear though that if he slips, even once during this process, that I will leave and make spending time with his children legally impossible. I wouldn't do it because I'm spiteful, even though I can very much be that way, I'll do it because it's was safe for my babies. He knows I'm done with it. Alcohol has been a part of my life for a very long time, and it's time that it makes it's exit…gracefully, or not.
What I forgot to mention in my original post was that this isn't my first experience with an alcoholic spouse. I was married before to a man, if you can call him that, who was a very abusive alcoholic. I'll spare you the details, but our marriage ended after he came home drunk and mad about something, punched me repeatedly in the garage because I was trying to leave to give him time to cool down as I usually had to do, climbed on top of me once I couldn't get up anymore and proceeded to pound the back of my head into the cement until I lost consciousness. I wish that was it, but it's not. While I was out, he raped me. I woke up bloody, sore and with my pants around my ankles. I realized what happened, went to the closet and grabbed my aluminum baseball bat and found him passed out by the toilet. The rest is history, but he spent 10 days in the hospital. I was in for 3 days with a major concussion and a fractured cervical vertebrae. He was eating through a tube. So you see, no matter how many bad things have happened in my current relationship, nothing he has done could hold a candle to the asshat that I was married too. Im not saying that what he has done is right by any means. What I'm saying is that when you have my first marriage to compare it to, it's really not that bad. I've never played the victim card, because I've never really considered myself a victim. I get mad AND I get even. The problem is that I love my husband. More then I ever thought was possible for me. With everything he has put me through in these last 8 years, I still feel that way. I do know that loving someone isn't always enough. I do know that things happen, and that regardless of how hard you try, there's some things that there is no coming back from. I know I'll be ok no matter what. I'm not the type that's scared of being alone. What I keep going back to is how ****** it would be of me to walk out on him now that he's actually trying to recover and do something about his addiction. What kind of wife, or person for that matter would that make me? With all the reading I've done today on here, I've come to the conclusion that I'll stay by his side as long as he stays sober, with reasonable exceptions, of course. If we have any kind of marriage, we should be able to get through this. I've built a life with him, had 2 beautiful children with him, and I love him…with everything I am. I'm not going to let alcohol win, but if, by chance, it does, I'm confident in my ability to walk away despite the good things. I've saw his ability for kindness and caring. I've saw him beat the odds in so many other aspects of his life as he was born with a birth defect that left him with a deformed, short arm, and I'm confident in his ability to beat this…IF he has truly put his mind to it. It's going to require a lot of adjustments and learning on both of our parts. Now that you guys have helped me understand that what I'm feeling is ok, maybe I can find a way to let him in, bit by bit, very slowly.
As far as Alanon meetings, I have looked into them were I live. It's a very rural community though and they only meet once a week and at the same time and place as the AA meetings he plans on attending. At this point I'm thinking that it's probably more important that he goes to AA. I'm not saying I won't go, but it would require some arranging as far as babysitter's and such. I too believe it would help me having person to person contact with other's in my position. For now though, I have you wonderful people, and I'm content with that for the time being.
Again, thank you all. I wish I could express just how much you've helped just with this single post.

Recovering2

Don't put his recovery ahead of yours. AlAnon is JUST as important for you as AA is for him. Check and see if the meeting has babysitting, a lot of meetings provide that service free. Many AlAnon meetings are held along side AA meetings. They meet in separate rooms/buildings obviously, but it makes it convenient for couples who are both in their own recovery.
I wish you all the best...keep posting. (((hugs)))