What is this 'new' behaviour?
 

Well, I have made up my mind to leave as some of you may know. My H knows that I want to leave - he asked me point blank - and I could only answer with, "I don't know. I guess we'll see."
I'm seeking to hold on through the holidays because I figure that it would look better and be less difficult for my 4 children. Look better - because I don't need a whole bunch of people thinking 'oh poor guy, his wife left him before Christmas'.

Well, it was two days before TGiving and he was willing to move out (had stayed in that vein for a week or more?) and then the day before TGiving he tells me that he is going to stay.

This is the same man who was saying to me, "This year we're having separate Christmases. You go one way and I'll go the other and we'll just transfer the kids at some point."

And now...
Since the evening before TGiving he is being completely nice - has come home with presents for me on two of the nights and is being so calm and patient. He acts like NOTHING has ever gone wrong. I feel like I'm living in some twilight zone because now he's always around me and doting on me. I HATE IT! I want to run away screaming and tell him to 'back off!' but I don't because I'm just trying to make it through this next month.

Now I hear him in the kitchen cleaning and tapping his fingers on the counter. I feel so irritated because this is not how he normally acts. And I want to be leaving the 'real' him.

I know it's a cycle but I can't handle how he's acting so nice. Please some insight so that I stay with accepting that he has NOT truly changed.

hi

you can't control him. now he is nice because you are planning to separate. maybe he wants you to change your mind. maybe he is trying to make the best of things. maybe... who knows.

he is unpredictable. whatever you choose to do, you will need to make that choice looking at the big picture. i used to make lists to help me sort through emotions and reasons. maybe a list of why you want to separate might help. i might add to it that he is unpredictable.

Just having people out there who understand makes all the difference in the world! I will go and make a list to remind myself.

O i hear you loud and clear. My AH is driving me nuts...one person one day different the next....JUST LEAVE!!!!! AHHH...if it were only that simple. Give it time the real him will come out!

Hugs

All I can add is...more will be revealed. Stay strong.

Thank you SO much! *sigh* Just breathe.

Completely understand how you feel. I find it easier to detach and to work on my leaving plan whilst he is being an a-hole. But when he's not - well....how do you keep up your resolve? I find it hard. My AH is currently on a wave of nice too...and it makes me sad because I remember what about him it was that I feel in love with...but I also know I am being manipulated, and that also, from past experience, it wont last.

I've considered making a list of all the specific things that he's done that has made me want to leave so I can review it in times like these....but that seems so bitter and negative....

wifeofanACoA----The way I see it--he most likely trying desperately to get you to switch back to the status-quo--that is where he was comfortable. He has picked up some doubt in you--and he needs to erase that. Of course, you gave him some hope of changing your mind when you answered him with"I don't know--we"ll see"

He has been used to weilding the power in the relationship---this is undoubtedly very uncomfortable for him, right now. He will manipulate hard--very hard.

dandylion

why is making a list of the horrors you experience at the hand of the A bitter or negative if they try to mess with your mind by being nice after the destruction so you won't leave? i think (my opinion and that of a former therapist) that making a list to remember the nightmares is healthier than repressing them, diminishing them when struggling to embrace reality.

a HUGE problem in my former relationship was that i was lied to so much and his behavior shifted so dramatically that i had a hard time figuring out what reality was. who was the real him? he is nice today, but he was horrible yesterday. WTH??? there is a lot of denial in relationships with alcoholics from both the A and the codependent that an objective list reminds us of actually what was said and done. helps with clarity.

ACTING nice. buying GIFTS. PRETENDING nothing is wrong. complete 180 degrees in behaviors.

nice, polite, thoughtful, respectful should be givens in a relationship, not a cause for suspicion.

How fued have we become (and yeah I mean ME, too) that we cannot accept someone being nice?

but Totally agree Nice does not cancel out nor delete the Bad.