i think it's time to leave

Old 12-04-2013, 05:04 PM
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i think it's time to leave

Months ago I remember posting a thread and one or two people saying it appears I haven't had enough yet. Even my responses saying thanks showed that I suppose. I knew you guys were right.

I think I've had it. I want to rewrite that sentence and just say I've had it - not that I think I have. But the codependent in me makes me say "i think" because it's such a new realization.

She finally got through to me.

Mind you, she is doing everything in her power right now to make up for what she said. But deep down, I am changed, and traumatized one too many times and I don't think it's possible to go back emotionally. I don't want to hear it. It hurts me to see her cooking me dinner and trying to make it up to me. It hurts me that she wants to drive to my place and vacuum and clean while I'm at work. The long texts that she should not drink 'so much' and that she'll work harder, that I'm her everything, hurt more than charm me now.

She crossed a line in our relationship. She said things I would expect to go my whole life not saying to my partner. Because I didn't want to go out with my best friend and his friend to a bar after dinner (the dinner she was so nervous about making a good impression at), she delivered a drunken manifesto on how I'm 'awful', how I am no fun, and how I never take her out. She said she's been thinking about it and she will no longer go out anywhere with me, that she will go with her friends, and I'll go out with mine. That everything is an ordeal with me. The most hurtful part was she said if she cheats on me, we'll just break up. She said she never would, but if she did, that's what would happen. She threatened to drive home because hanging out with me is stupid and boring. She said she's tried everything to tell me she wants to go out and I'm not getting it (by the way, we go out a lot, to lots of different things - i just don't take her out to *party* the way she wanted to this night, or i guess any night). She said she's done trying to get through to me on this and I'm awful. I know that all that happened is I got in the way of the alcohol supply that night. I guess I've been in the way a lot more than I knew. And I tried to take care of myself because my car was parked and we had to be somewhere on the early side the next day. And by the way, my friends didn't even drink at the bar - they were there to see some high school friends for a short while.

After this litany (which included bargaining with me that she'd do sexual things she wouldn't normally do if I just took her out dancing/drinking that instant), I made her a late dinner because she was sick on the floor from the wine and suddenly was hungry. Yes, codependent taking care. She suddenly felt better and said she was so glad she was with me and she's glad we didn't go out, that the devil made her do it.

The one thing we had in our relationship was an iron clad faithfulness to each other, despite her bouts of crying about past traumas, getting in trouble, etc. For her to bring up 'if i cheat on you' tells me I need to go. I don't know what part of her brain that came from or if it's even true, but i don't want to find out.

I'm scared of how to extract from this. I'm scared she'll harm herself. I'm thinking of her recent drunken rants where she philosophized that she's capable of murder. I have a therapist and she is ready to work on a game plan. It doesn't help that after meeting my girlfriend, my friend said he is worried for me and that my girlfriend will be devastated. But I've been devastated over and over. I think it's time to go.
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Old 12-04-2013, 05:50 PM
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Blake, I'm so sorry , it sounds like you are in a lot of pain.

I can see why, such nasty things to have to hear.

I'm glad you have a therapist to help you with this, let her help you as much as you need.

we are here blake and we care.

Keep posting.

Katie xo
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Old 12-04-2013, 06:29 PM
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Originally Posted by blake1989 View Post
But deep down, I am changed, and traumatized one too many times and I don't think it's possible to go back emotionally. I don't want to hear it.

The long texts that she should not drink 'so much' and that she'll work harder, that I'm her everything, hurt more than charm me now.

She crossed a line in our relationship. She said things I would expect to go my whole life not saying to my partner.

But I've been devastated over and over. I think it's time to go.
Oh, friend. I understand, and I'm so sorry. I could easily have written the above word for word when I broke up with Abf last summer.

Do check out my recent thread about ongoing contact (and everyone's beautiful, amazing advice and support!). It sounds like, depending on how unstable she is, and how likely it is that you might be drawn in by her threats to self-harm, you may face a long, protracted break up, like I have.

It's something to think about now as part of preparing an action plan with your therapist. You might need to role-play scenarios.

Got that on my agenda with my T tomorrow! *sigh*
I'll be thinking of you.
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Old 12-04-2013, 06:29 PM
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(((Hugs)))

I can so relate. My AH is in recovery, but a lot if damage was done including the threat to kill me, kill my cat, burn down the house... the list could go on and on. I can't/won't let that go. Everyone says if there is a relapse he will pick back up where he left off. I cannot go through that again. Ever.

Make your plan and execute it in your own time. It is not easy. I am still working on getting out, but have enough lined up that if he does start drinking again, I can be gone in less than 24 hours.
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Old 12-04-2013, 06:58 PM
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I'm sorry that you're going through this but I'm also glad to hear that you're realizing that enough is enough. People with issues like this don't get better without help - it just gets worse.
You deserve better, not a life where you're picking up the pieces of another person. She needs to do that for herself, if she ever chooses to...
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Old 12-04-2013, 07:57 PM
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Aw, Blake... I'm so sorry you are hurting. One thing to consider is that if she's going to hurt herself, she's going to do it whether you are there or not. You can't hold yourself responsible in any way IF she is truly determined to hurt herself. That's a big IF..... In my experience people who really intend to harm themselves rarely announce it. It's more likely a dramatic way of getting attention. (((((hugs)))))
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Old 12-04-2013, 09:03 PM
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Thank you all. At first I felt guilty feeling this way. She's never actually done anything to me (threatened to hit me but never did), it's all just been hurtful words. I mean there was the time she made me miss a day of work for no good reason because it was the first day of our vacation and she drank all day then showed up at night. I could have saved that day. I nearly ended it then, but I just wanted to have a nice vacation (she didn't drink the whole time). I was reading your thread just now spiderqueen. Wishing you all peace and strength.

I was worried that the holidays would be the especially tumultuous time. No surprises there, I guess. I feel like it's all unraveling with her and she blames the holidays and the weather. She's started bringing liquor to my place because I never have any. That only started around thanksgiving.
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Old 12-04-2013, 09:34 PM
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Ever see the teeth on an Alligator Gar?

Easy getting into the situation, not so easy getting out.

Not saying that this is how things are going to go down . . .

but sometimes this is how these things go down >>>

Jodi Arias convicted of first-degree murder

Be Very Careful.
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Old 12-04-2013, 09:37 PM
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Well I'm being paranoid about the murder thing. A month or two ago, she was obviously drinking and texted me how a neighbor had guns for protection, and how she needed one herself. I know she doesn't have one. I truthfully wouldn't be able to spend time at her place if she had one. But yeah, there's some fear on my part. But maybe that fear is of the unknown more than of violence. A little of both.
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Old 12-04-2013, 09:45 PM
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Have a Really Good college friend -- only reason he was not disemboweled with an AK-47 was the night the wife pulled the trigger, it was jammed.

click, click, click.

He had put up with a LOT of crazy crap from her. We all knew she was fairly whacked. But sure was a cutie. But total batsh1t crazy last time I saw her.

The Rage Stuff can just go right over the top.
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Old 12-05-2013, 01:19 AM
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I am sorry you are going through this. You can sometimes 'forgive' but can often never 'forget' the hurtful things and sometimes you just have to break away for your own sanity. The 'capable of murder' threats worry me. I had those back in april but thankfully they have now stopped, but I have had trouble moving on.
I agree with the other posts -seek out a good therapist.
Once the line is crossed, it is very difficult to forgive and move on even if she does stop or cut down drinking. You are not responsible for her.
Why is it so easy to give advice and not take it?
Do take care and best of luck.
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Old 12-05-2013, 10:31 AM
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There was a time , that all those hurtful words, out of XA really hurt me.

The fact of the matter, he was in a blackout state and NEVER remembered saying any of the foul, nasty, cruel words. The sober guy I so deeply cared for would never talk like that. ( I made excuses for him.)

It actually took me two years to figure out the sober guy and the nasty drunk guy were the SAME PERSON.

I understand how this can take it's toll our your well being.

Doesn't matter if they do not remember, doesn't matter if they are sorry, doesn't matter that they are trying to be the best spouse/partner, there really comes a point where they go to far, and sorry cannot fix/change the outcome.

There is no way to erase those unacceptable words from your mind.

I had to make the painful choice to not allow/accept his drunk mouth rants.

His ugly belonged to him, I could not let it define ME.
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Old 12-05-2013, 10:35 AM
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I'm sorry Blake. Things for me have taken a similar route, and no one, no one at all, should have to be put through this sort of thing. All I can say is that you're a good person, you've tried all you could, and the whole mess is heartbreaking. Take care of yourself man.
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Old 12-05-2013, 01:12 PM
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Blake, you've done your best. But, sadly, this isn't something you have any control over. You are not in control of her actions when you leave her. She's a grown woman, and needs to seek help for herself is she wants it. A's are infamous for making those threats about themselves or others when they're trying to manipulate you into staying.

Take care of you. I'm glad you have a therapist to help you formulate a plan.
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