Update/A Big Step

Old 12-04-2013, 12:07 PM
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Update/A Big Step

I don't post my own threads often, but wanted to share where RAH and I are for any ES&H others may have had.

I kicked RAH out in March as I couldn't stand to live with an active A any longer. He quit drinking in May of this year. We have kept in contact, gradually spending more time together as time went on. I go to AlAnon & individual counseling, he goes to AA & individual counseling.

After several conversations about various issues, we have decided it is time for him to move back home so we can work on our marriage. Recovery is top priority and we will continue our own paths, but will also start working together in couples counseling. We have agreed that there is change needed to have a healthy relationship and we have discussed what we want that to look like and fortunately there is a lot of common ground.

As anyone would, I have my concerns about how this will go, but I continue to remind myself to look at the reality of the situation & pay attention to the facts. I'm pleased to say they do look good - communication has been much more open the last few months with good eye contact when we are face to face, he has been considerate & kind towards me - offering to help with things and paying attention to what is happening with me, we are both taking care of our individual responsibilities, etc. I'm doing my best to stick to my side of the street, and I believe he is too.

So, anyone else been here & have any thoughts to share? I know this is a continuous process - lifelong in fact, and that relapse is often part of recovery. I feel much better equipped in dealing with the reality of my life, but I do have hope that we can make this work.
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Old 12-04-2013, 12:42 PM
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Originally Posted by CarryOn View Post

So, anyone else been here & have any thoughts to share? I know this is a continuous process - lifelong in fact, and that relapse is often part of recovery. I feel much better equipped in dealing with the reality of my life, but I do have hope that we can make this work.
No advice. I think you're doing great and have it covered. Remember that your focus should be you and that he needs to take care of himself. Once he does that, the relationship will improve. I think it's wonderful that the distance and early recovery have made you both receptive to working on the marriage. It's a hard road, but worth it if the love is still there.

Hang in there and good luck!
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Old 12-04-2013, 12:45 PM
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CarryOn---In terms of his recovery---the general suggestion is that the alcoholic not make any major moves in the first year of recovery. Remember that he is in EARLY recovery.

The demands of a relationship can be very stressful--and requires skills that the alcoholic often does not have. Handling strong emotions (positive or negative) can be very triggering. It takes a while for the alcoholic to work the steps and to give up the alcoholic thinking and attitudes that drove their life and actions while actively drinking. It is not unusual for the alcoholic to "want what I want when I want it".

You don't have to do anything before you are ready. Your welfare comes first.

If you do decide to do counseling together--I would suggest that it would be prudent to begin the counseling first.....before living together.

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Old 12-04-2013, 01:04 PM
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Just have to give praise where there is praise to be given.

Best to you both!
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Old 12-04-2013, 02:11 PM
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Glad to hear a happy update CarryOn! You are so right that this is a day-by-day process so I don't have any great big words of wisdom except to stick to your therapies and what you already know works for you. It's probably a good idea to re-visit your boundaries to see if you feel any of them need adjusted/added on to? (I could envision that boundaries may be different for living separately & together.)
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Old 12-04-2013, 05:42 PM
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Thanks all!

Dandylion, I hear you loud & clear! I had a lot of discussion with my counselor about this before making a decision. A lot of the concerns that I have going forward can't really be addressed by living separately at this point, so it was more me wanting to have him home. He's been happy to come home whenever I would allow it, but did not pressure me to do so before I was ready.

I find it ironic that I can put myself first in terms of my career, but never really thought to do that in my personal life. I learned from home, religion, etc. to put others first. So I'm working on changing that to make sure my needs are met first and let others be responsible for themselves.

Who knows what will happen...I could be back her in a week, a month, a year, etc. saying we're back to square one. Regardless, I have much better tools for dealing with the possibilities now and am building my life the way I want it...hopefully RAH fits in as well.

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Old 12-04-2013, 06:09 PM
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My mom kicked my dad out many years ago. They were apart for about 3 years. After rehab and two plus years of sobriety, they moved back in together. They've been happily together since - over 25 years.

Good luck!
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