How do you help someone bound and determined that there is no hope?
 

My adult son has not achieved anything in life, except to find jobs and lose them, when he get that paycheck. Not having money of your own for so long, and drinking when you finally have money, maybe normal. But to drink each day, and to start missing work, because of staying up drinking, that costs you your job, in little time.

He has been unemployed now for a long while. Lives with me. Does not drink because he has no money. I wont buy it.

I help him because I feel there are mental issues involved. He is perhaps add, aspbergers, and no doubt anxiety-social anxiety. He was homeless at one point, when his drinking became abusive and dangerous. that was five years ago.

These days, he seems better, emotionally. His most recent job was lost due to him being best man at his best friends wedding, and he had not gotten the weekend off. He does not have a lot of common sense-sees things differently (hence, suspected asbergers). would not ask for the day off, said that they would not give it to him. so, he lost that job. He had been doing pretty well, working, and not abusing the drinking as before.

Now unemployed for 6 months, he is super frustrated. He has no car-the last job he could walk to. now, he admittedly has a hard task, finding a job close enough, but it seems that he always is negative about everything. Tonight, I encouraged him to go tomorrow, in my truck, to just talk to some people, go in a few places. He just gets agitated, saying that it will lead no where, that things are awful. That the stacks of apps will make it a waste of time. I sincerely believe that his anxiety, and depression makes it very very hard for him to function.

When he has gotten a job, you can see that he feels very very happy about it. He wants to work, but his mental attitude, and his overall anxiety overwhelms him. Its like I have to almost physically push him out the door, and tell him where they are hiring. if I said "so and so wants you to come in tomorrow" , he would be there. but he cannot seem to manage to think for his self, or his long history of negative outcomes has made him afraid, or shame maybe, is involved. being 40 years old, and having nothing makes him so angry, but he cannot seem to think of what to try. I know people who walk a fair distance to work. I think he is so insecure, feels ashamed to go and ask for a job when his resume would show gaps that an employer would see as a red flag.

I want him to get counsel, but that makes him angry... thinks nothing is wrong except the state of our economy. He spends his time on the computer, and watching the news. I hurt for him. He is a good person, but struggling and in pain. I cannot make him get help, but I fear he will fall through the cracks. He has a sinus issue which drives him crazy, and no health care.

I just wish I knew how to be helpful. I do not believe in putting a person like him out on the street. He is not bad, not being abusive, just watching his life go by, feeling hopeless.

I have posted about this before, and things are not much better, if at all. I want him to have a family, and home, etc, but I truly do not think it will be possible for him, unless he gets counselling, and finds out what it is that makes life so hard for him. He has a high IQ but no common sense. I think he feels less a man, because of his failures. I know I cannot fix that, but what do I do? any thoughts?
I hurt when my family hurts, and life goes by so fast. his life is wasting away.

Ouch, that story is so painful to read. And must be even more painful to live. I wish I had some big answer to solve this issue. I'm sorry I don't. I can only pray for you and your family. I'm so very very sorry. ��

Sanctus Real - Pray - YouTube

Chicory, the only thing that is running through my mind is that perhaps he should be evaluated.

It may work in his favor, if the find that he struggles because of something he has no control of, he may be able to get help with everything.

Just a thought, I think at the very least he is very depressed. It sounds very difficult for both of you.

I believe that too, katiekate. but to convince him to do it looks impossible.
I have asked him to get some counsel-try to make it sound not so much like evaluation, as helpful in getting advice. How can you get a proud person to do that? sometimes I think that he will get help when it becomes painful enough, but I am wondering if that is true?

thanks for your posts. and the prayers.

In this state we have a program called vocational rehabilitation. They will assess you for mental illness and assist in finding a job if you do. I suggest checking out to see if you have something similar. Good luck. Hugs to you and your son!

Thank you Hopeful. We do have one, I have been trying to get him to go there. He thinks it is mostly for those who do not know how to fill out apps or prepare a resume. He needs the help, and maybe I can get him there. somehow.
I do have an acquaintance in NAMI-maybe she will have suggestions.. such a hard thing, with someone so proud and stubborn.

hugs ,
chicory

My ah has add and used their services. They actually tested him and went through what sort of jobs he would be successful with and set up a trial several days all of them offered him a job. Its a great service!

Hi chicory - just a thought, but if his interests lie in the computer area, and he has some talent, is there any work he can do online? Having a project he can complete at home might be what he needs to pull himself out of his depression.
I'm not suggesting this instead of evaluation/treatment, which was the first thing I thought of, but that has been addressed by others.

Thanks so much , everyone. encouraging to hear that ,hopeful4.

feelingGreat, he is great with computers, but just tonight, I suggested it, again, and he said that it was mostly bogus offers, or bits and pieces here and there. He is just pretty negative about it all.

I think you are so right, some success would help him a lot.

hugs
chicory

I agree with the need for evaluation and therapy; was also thinking if there is any type of volunteer work he could get involved in. An animal shelter, a church helping with maintenance; which might lead to some pastoral counseling that he could be eased into; might then encourage formal therapy. Sort of one tiny step at a time slowly gathering momentum.

Chicory - I know how long you've been dealing with this, some of the flack you've received (IMO) to just toss him out, but I couldn't do it in your situation.

As far as pride - my dad is a very intelligent man, a hard worker, BUT he needs counseling, he needs al-anon (as you know my stepmom just died from an accidental OD) and he acts insulted when I mention it. He's promised to go to our long-time pastor, but doesn't. He's promised a lot of things that he doesn't follow through because "I'm too damned busy trying to make a living" Partly true, but if he wanted to, he could find time.

Has your son ever volunteered for anything? When I was at rock bottom, clean but jobless, I was extremely depressed and felt worthless. What kept coming to my mind was everyone here saying "volunteer". My first thought was "and how in the hell is THAT going to help me pay bills" but it stuck in my mind.

I mentioned it to a friend from school (we actually hadn't met, yet, but were really close) and she said "you need to check out ----". It was a sr. center down the road from me, never heard of it, didn't know it existed.

I applied, I had to take a background check and I stressed. I got the call from "the other Amy" who is in charge of volunteers and she said "how often do you want to work". I said "every day!!!" I started out at 3 days/week, and in no time I was working every day they were open (I worked the lunch shift, dished out food until I found my TRUE calling at working the floor - picking up trays, talked with all KINDS of people, I don't know that I've ever had a job I enjoyed more.

I didn't know, until another volunteer asked me "how many hours do you have?" that they let people volunteer who are working off community service. Some, I still keep in touch with and they are doing well.

I became friends with everyone, and they all knew I needed a job. One of the employees (and several members) mentioned how well I dealt with older people, was I interested in doing that for a living?

Employee gave me a list of agencies, first one I checked out wanted me REALLY bad but I failed the credit check. My buddy employee said "go down the list". Next one I applied at, they got my application on Monday, I interviewed on Tue. attended orientation on Thu. and did my first assignment on Fri.

I work through the company, I work with people who just pay me. I currently have 2 families that consider me family.

I don't know if this would work with your son, but it might be worth a try? I have a cousin who is severely autistic and she has a "job" and loves it! She doesn't communicate well, but she makes SURE she is at her job on time.

I just know that feeling needed and appreciated goes a long way, and even if it's volunteer? There's nothing like people who adore you because you are helping. I think that would boost your son's sense of self. He's really good with your kitties...maybe an animal shelter where he can walk dogs or something (I'd make sure it's a no kill one, though, as I know I would not be able to handle loving an animal only to lose it).

Just thinking outside of the box, but I know your son has a big heart, he's sensitive, and his self esteem is low. That? He and I share.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

I think it would be great if he volunteered somewhere, as i know people who found jobs that way, just by getting out there and talking to people. He is on foot , but I could always take him when I am home in the evenings... volunteering is just so wonderful, for receiver and giver. He is just so negative about everything i suggest:(

(((amy))) I posted same time as you! and yes, it would be so great if he would. it would give him something to feel good about. And he is very tender hearted.

I will work on him....he needs help, I know that much.

thanks amy. for sharing that .
love and hugs

So true... I think he might need to feel needed. The world can sometimes seem like a lonely place.

Chic - Maybe check out volunteer jobs and find what he is empathetic to. An animal shelter - "those poor pets have no one to pet them, walk them, they're stuck in cages, and they just need someone to show they care! You're so good with the kitties, think of the joy you would bring to so many animals"

A homeless shelter - he's been homeless. "there are so many people who have nothing because they lost their jobs. They don't have money for food or a place to lay their head. You've been there, you know how bad it was. Just think of how you could tell them you understand and you care! You don't have to fix them, just give them some attention and a little hope"

I know it's easy for me to say, yet I don't know your son. I DO know he has a tender heart, and even though he's negative right now, that tender heart usually wins out. At least it did for me.

It's hard to break through that negativity (ask my dad) but somewhere in his heart, there is something that will bring him out of it, bit by bit.

You can always tell him the best job *I* ever had, I didn't get paid a cent, but I was loved and adored (and I got a really good free meal!!)

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

yes, I am sure he is very lonely. He had a girl, way back when, and I am sure he is lonely , probably beyond lonely.

hugs and thanks,
chicory

(((amy)) posted at exactly the same time again!!!lol.

thanks,for the suggested words... I will keep those in my mind, and tomorrow, gonna get him to do something outside the house, even if it comes to nothing, he has to begin somewhere. they have a salvation army close by, I think. the homeless shelter here in town is just too scary.. but the animal shelter is a great idea.

hugs

is there a Damon House in your area? i mention it because the one located near my hospital is VERY well run and structered, they always need help. i would never know that many who are there were former addicts. these guys that live there practice fund raising, work at food banks, physical fitness, clean the streets, plant flowers and i think their barricks are probably cleaner than my house.
perhaps you could suggest to sonny that he is "networking" and opening doors to possibilities?
his biggest issue sounds like boredom now, but once he gets a job, he skews priorities...he knew he would get fired, but chose the wedding instead.
we go through this with students who want to take off for social events, they are presented with a clear choice, take off and accept an incomplete grade or not. even though these are supposed to be mature physicians, they still do not address the facts... i've been waiting on an answer for 2 months and i am beyond annoyed!
( its not just your son)

today I drove him around, and he collected several applications. there is a place close to us, a dollar store, hiring. He is sort of excited , and I could tell it helped him a lot, just to be doing something productive.

I realized that I cannot fight his depression and mine too. I told him that if things did not change, as in, he must stop being negative and angry/ whiny, and making excuses, I cannot go down with the ship! I just can't. He must do whatever he has to , in order to change the direction he is going in. There are people who have issues and they deal with it. and get help, because they know they must.

I am pretty sure that if I was packing him up to drop off somewhere, he would agree to get help. Why must it be sooooo freaking hard?

To my mind, it does not matter how many crappy things are to blame, it still boils down to the fact that in order to live! you have to play the hand you are dealt, and try to be happy, or self sufficient, anyway.

you miss out on the good things if you only see the bad.