What do you do when the pain won't go away.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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What do you do when the pain won't go away.
I've done everything I can think of to do.
Therapy, church, friends, parents... talking talking talking
Everyone says "you've done the right thing getting out, he was going to get worse"
And then you find out that your ex husband is engaged, in love with another woman an "belongs" to her. When he said he "belonged" to you.
Am I trash just to be discarded?
I beg God every day, please just take this pain away. I thought you brought me this man, my answered prayer. And instead?
I'm demonized by him.. he hates me... because I stood up to him and told him to stop yelling at me and scaring the kids.
I'm done.. I'm just so done with this struggle. Every day in pain, every day imagining him happy and going on about his wonderful life.. while I'm told to "lose his number" and that I'm an awful person who deserves this pain, and that "Karma is a bit&h" isn't it?
Why. Why did this happen to me.
He was supposed to be my husband, my mate for life. But he's now someone else's.
I can't stop crying.
Therapy, church, friends, parents... talking talking talking
Everyone says "you've done the right thing getting out, he was going to get worse"
And then you find out that your ex husband is engaged, in love with another woman an "belongs" to her. When he said he "belonged" to you.
Am I trash just to be discarded?
I beg God every day, please just take this pain away. I thought you brought me this man, my answered prayer. And instead?
I'm demonized by him.. he hates me... because I stood up to him and told him to stop yelling at me and scaring the kids.
I'm done.. I'm just so done with this struggle. Every day in pain, every day imagining him happy and going on about his wonderful life.. while I'm told to "lose his number" and that I'm an awful person who deserves this pain, and that "Karma is a bit&h" isn't it?
Why. Why did this happen to me.
He was supposed to be my husband, my mate for life. But he's now someone else's.
I can't stop crying.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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love4menotu 
I'm sorry you are going through a particularly rough time right now. Please give yourself some time to grieve this loss.
It sounds as though you still have contact with him...and fresh contact = fresh pain. Please know that, in time, the pain will fade as long as you don't give it any more fuel (new contact or news about him from anyone). So even if your friends or other relations are talking about him to you, you can ask them to stop, too.
What one man (on a plant of billions) thinks of you is no reflection on you because consider the source. An active, abusive alcoholic thinks poorly of you? Well, some might consider that a compliment.
Sending hugs and prayers! S
I'm sorry you are going through a particularly rough time right now. Please give yourself some time to grieve this loss.
It sounds as though you still have contact with him...and fresh contact = fresh pain. Please know that, in time, the pain will fade as long as you don't give it any more fuel (new contact or news about him from anyone). So even if your friends or other relations are talking about him to you, you can ask them to stop, too.
What one man (on a plant of billions) thinks of you is no reflection on you because consider the source. An active, abusive alcoholic thinks poorly of you? Well, some might consider that a compliment.
Sending hugs and prayers! S
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
love4menotu, how long have you been separated?
I'm so sorry for your pain, I have been through something similar myself, years ago, and I know it takes a lot of time. It took me about 2 years, crying every day, but not all day.
Firstly, please see your doctor who may suggest medication for a period. Don't dismiss this out of hand, do some research and ask lots of questions. It can be very helpful for the first little bit (I'm not suggesting it).
Please try and discipline your thoughts. It's very easy to slip into imagining your ex having a wonderful time with his new woman, but unless he's willing to change in a major way, the honeymoon will soon be over. They are not your business, YOU are your business.
How about making a plan to work towards some goal, maybe a trip or a diet or a new dress? Although it seems like you'll always be like this it is SO not true. Time will heal you slowly and surely, but you have to work on it too. All the best.
I'm so sorry for your pain, I have been through something similar myself, years ago, and I know it takes a lot of time. It took me about 2 years, crying every day, but not all day.
Firstly, please see your doctor who may suggest medication for a period. Don't dismiss this out of hand, do some research and ask lots of questions. It can be very helpful for the first little bit (I'm not suggesting it).
Please try and discipline your thoughts. It's very easy to slip into imagining your ex having a wonderful time with his new woman, but unless he's willing to change in a major way, the honeymoon will soon be over. They are not your business, YOU are your business.
How about making a plan to work towards some goal, maybe a trip or a diet or a new dress? Although it seems like you'll always be like this it is SO not true. Time will heal you slowly and surely, but you have to work on it too. All the best.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
This is from the stickies at the top of the page--maybe something here would be helpful for you?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
Hoping you find some healing and peace soon.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
Hoping you find some healing and peace soon.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 48
Lovemenotu
I want you to stop crying right now. I remember thinking like you in the beginning stages of our marriage. Be thankful you got out. I have been on this board for years. I feel ashamed that I am still with him while others have had the courage to leave.
The fact is he won't change. He will only get worse. He may seem in a happy relationship now, but he will treat this woman the way he treated you. That is what all alcoholics do.
YOU ARE ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES! I really admire you and wish I could do what you did. You now have a chance at a real life. Now dry your tears. Feel thankful. Go find someone who deserves you.
I want you to stop crying right now. I remember thinking like you in the beginning stages of our marriage. Be thankful you got out. I have been on this board for years. I feel ashamed that I am still with him while others have had the courage to leave.
The fact is he won't change. He will only get worse. He may seem in a happy relationship now, but he will treat this woman the way he treated you. That is what all alcoholics do.
YOU ARE ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES! I really admire you and wish I could do what you did. You now have a chance at a real life. Now dry your tears. Feel thankful. Go find someone who deserves you.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Thank you all so much for your replies.
It has not been an easy six months since John left.
I don't mind using his name now, it's pretty generic anyway.
I reached out to him a couple of weeks ago and was told that he was in love and belonged to another. We've been divorced for two months.
I've been struggling because I now know that my husband never loved me. I bought the things he said to me hook, line and sinker.
I let him into my home, my heart and my family. Before John, I had never introduced anyone to my children. I was single for eight years after my previous divorce.
What began as a dream, ended in a nightmare. He once screamed and yelled at me for 13 hours. At the end I was broken, repeating the things he had said I was... a wh0re, a c&nt, etc... full blown panic attack.
He broke me. And he enjoyed it, and had no empathy for me whatsoever.
I have been accused of not being "wifely" enough. Of not "minding" him, or respecting his feelings. All I did was work hard, be the provider and have a huge project at work. So therefore, I could not give him the attention he needed so desperately.
For this I am cursed at in front of my children, accused, yelled at and made to defend myself while being pushed down on a bed in a towel. He never laid a hand on me, but he terrified me beyond reason.
These are the things I need to remember when I get like this.. when the pain of my own core traumas overwhelms me and makes me think there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
I was ready to take a bottle of pills a month or two ago, and just end it. I still struggle with this feeling of wanting the pain to go away, every day.
He wasn't an addict to any substance, but he is / was the angriest person I have ever known, and he wins.
It has not been an easy six months since John left.
I don't mind using his name now, it's pretty generic anyway.
I reached out to him a couple of weeks ago and was told that he was in love and belonged to another. We've been divorced for two months.
I've been struggling because I now know that my husband never loved me. I bought the things he said to me hook, line and sinker.
I let him into my home, my heart and my family. Before John, I had never introduced anyone to my children. I was single for eight years after my previous divorce.
What began as a dream, ended in a nightmare. He once screamed and yelled at me for 13 hours. At the end I was broken, repeating the things he had said I was... a wh0re, a c&nt, etc... full blown panic attack.
He broke me. And he enjoyed it, and had no empathy for me whatsoever.
I have been accused of not being "wifely" enough. Of not "minding" him, or respecting his feelings. All I did was work hard, be the provider and have a huge project at work. So therefore, I could not give him the attention he needed so desperately.
For this I am cursed at in front of my children, accused, yelled at and made to defend myself while being pushed down on a bed in a towel. He never laid a hand on me, but he terrified me beyond reason.
These are the things I need to remember when I get like this.. when the pain of my own core traumas overwhelms me and makes me think there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
I was ready to take a bottle of pills a month or two ago, and just end it. I still struggle with this feeling of wanting the pain to go away, every day.
He wasn't an addict to any substance, but he is / was the angriest person I have ever known, and he wins.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by love4menotu 
He wasn't an addict to any substance, but he is / was the angriest person I have ever known, and he wins.
He is repeating his same patterns of sick behavior. You, on the other hand, are learning, growing, starting a new life. No matter how much pain you are in now, it's for a good cause. You will come out the other side of this so much stronger and healthier.
Let me repeat that, just in case it wasn't clear:
YOU WIN.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
loveformenotu---6mo. is too soon for you to be completely over the grief. Grief is very painful--no getting around this fact. This will pass, eventually--just not as soon as you were wanting.
This is short-term pain for long-term pain.
If you had stayed--the pain would NEVER go away--only get worse.
dandylion
This is short-term pain for long-term pain.
If you had stayed--the pain would NEVER go away--only get worse.
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Is that how you want to live a life if he had stayed with you...him hating you because you for once said stop yelling at me and the kids?
My dear that would be one depressing life set up for heartache. You may not want to hear this now, but it is doing you a favor in the long run. The loss of a relationship and any idea you had of that relationship causes grief just like a death does, even harder in my opinion because that person still lives on.
So yes, he is someone else mate. They can now live with him yelling at them and having to cower down and not stick up for themselves. Can you see where this is going?
You are better than that. Allow yourself the grief and know it will get better with time. In the mean time, get support for You!
Hugs!
My dear that would be one depressing life set up for heartache. You may not want to hear this now, but it is doing you a favor in the long run. The loss of a relationship and any idea you had of that relationship causes grief just like a death does, even harder in my opinion because that person still lives on.
So yes, he is someone else mate. They can now live with him yelling at them and having to cower down and not stick up for themselves. Can you see where this is going?
You are better than that. Allow yourself the grief and know it will get better with time. In the mean time, get support for You!
Hugs!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by love4menotu
He wasn't an addict to any substance, but he is / was the angriest person I have ever known, and he wins.
You were dealing with some Mental Illness from that overall picture.
That "next woman" got no prize. Think things will go better for her? Not likely.
Thank God that You Escaped. That is your win, and it is a Big One. Congrats.
Now there is the mess after the Hurricane.
Survivors survive. You survived. Now take care of the kids.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by love4menotu
What began as a dream, ended in a nightmare. He once screamed and yelled at me for 13 hours. At the end I was broken, repeating the things he had said I was... a wh0re, a c&nt, etc... full blown panic attack.
He broke me. And he enjoyed it, and had no empathy for me whatsoever.
YOU are free from the madness, friend. Grief is painful. It just is. But please, don't let him occupy anymore space in your head.
It's time to start celebrating what you have. You have you, your children, your freedom, your choice, your free will, your ability to make your life whatever you wish for it to be! You lucky girl! Happiness is a choice. When we stop counting on others to determine our own happiness, the possibilities are endless.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Hammer
You were dealing with some Mental Illness from that overall picture.
What do you do when the pain won't go away.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
hi
i understand your pain. it took me several years to stop being depressed and sad every day after my relationship ended. i cried everyday for the first year. bad panic attacks. i saw a therapist who put me on an anti-anxiety med for that first year. I hate taking medicine but THANK GOD for those drugs. i desperately needed therapy help, friends' help and medicine that first year.
But. BUT, it gets easier. The pain lessens with time even if you don't believe that now. i thought it never would go away. no contact helps tremendously.
anyone who yells at someone for 13 hours straight has mental issues to the max. my ex before the exa yelled and cursed me out for 4 hours one night as i sat there taking it and crying. now, i would never put up with abuse again. it helped me to work on loving myself and try to figure out why i allowed someone to yell at me like that. why did i love myself so little to sit there and take abuse? that takes a while to figure out. i needed the help of a good therapist and addressing family of origin issues.
hugs to you.
YOU are worth more than that.
FYI, that woman is his new victim and will be his new punching bag in time.
i understand your pain. it took me several years to stop being depressed and sad every day after my relationship ended. i cried everyday for the first year. bad panic attacks. i saw a therapist who put me on an anti-anxiety med for that first year. I hate taking medicine but THANK GOD for those drugs. i desperately needed therapy help, friends' help and medicine that first year.
But. BUT, it gets easier. The pain lessens with time even if you don't believe that now. i thought it never would go away. no contact helps tremendously.
anyone who yells at someone for 13 hours straight has mental issues to the max. my ex before the exa yelled and cursed me out for 4 hours one night as i sat there taking it and crying. now, i would never put up with abuse again. it helped me to work on loving myself and try to figure out why i allowed someone to yell at me like that. why did i love myself so little to sit there and take abuse? that takes a while to figure out. i needed the help of a good therapist and addressing family of origin issues.
hugs to you.
YOU are worth more than that.
FYI, that woman is his new victim and will be his new punching bag in time.
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Oh Hammer... I found BPD family long after I've been a member of sober recovery. Thank god I found that site.
Yes, my therapist suspects that John has BPD. So I went from a relationship with an alcoholic to a marriage with a man who was mentally disordered.
Really great.
Yes, my therapist suspects that John has BPD. So I went from a relationship with an alcoholic to a marriage with a man who was mentally disordered.
Really great.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by love4menotu
Oh Hammer... I found BPD family long after I've been a member of sober recovery. Thank god I found that site.
Yes, my therapist suspects that John has BPD. So I went from a relationship with an alcoholic to a marriage with a man who was mentally disordered.
Really great.
Really great.
I did the package discount and got the whole enchilada in one deal.
One T said Mrs. Hammer looked like "Traits." She did not go back to that one.
At any rate, you Survived. You are out. Good.
Lot of mess to clean up, but Good.
In long term addictions, there a lot of Mental Illness issues clustered around the Personality Disorder types.
The Mental Illness board on here (SR) is interesting as folks from "both" sides can converse, and it is much less structured than bpdfamily. Did a BPD thread on there. Might be useful to you in some of the detailed information links on the 2nd and 3rd pages.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...er-thread.html
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Wow, love4... after reading what you've been through with him, I say YAY and CONGRATULATIONS and HALLELUJAH!!! You're FREE!!! And thank GOD it was only for that amount of time and you're not still sitting in that "relationship"! He is just a cruel and angry person with addiction and BPD issues. As for "being in love and belonging to another woman" after two months... gee... REBOUND MUCH?? Just think what that poor woman faces in her future. You escaped, and you should be very PROUD! Celebrate life, my friend... hug your kids and do something special... YOU win
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So I went from a relationship with an alcoholic to a marriage with a man who was mentally disordered.
I did this, but in reverse order. You're not the only one. Huge hugs to you love. At least now you (and I) can see our own patterns clearly and not keep making the same mistakes over and over. I've been putting a lot of work into myself. Is there something you could do for yourself, to make yourself as happy as you deserve to be?
Thanks so much for this thread. I know you're hurting, but I hope it gets a little less each day. More hugs (sounds like you need them).
I did this, but in reverse order. You're not the only one. Huge hugs to you love. At least now you (and I) can see our own patterns clearly and not keep making the same mistakes over and over. I've been putting a lot of work into myself. Is there something you could do for yourself, to make yourself as happy as you deserve to be?
Thanks so much for this thread. I know you're hurting, but I hope it gets a little less each day. More hugs (sounds like you need them).
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 283
Also, get out of your mind the idea that he and his "new love" have a perfect, or even GOOD relationship. Sure there is a honeymoon period and he might be on his best behavior at first, but I'm betting the same problems that made you go.....She is or will soon be dealing with the same animal.
My ex started dating an acquaintance of mine. We were also friends on facebook. Pictures of them at the beach, pictures of them doing the things I always asked him to do and he wouldn't.
She sent me messages that asked to leave him alone, because they were so in love, which was ironic because not only had I left him alone, I got a restraining order against him because of HIS stalking and harassment. I had the good sense to block her from facebook and my email.
And the last picture I saw of him.......Yep.....the DAILY ARRESTS. He was arrested for yet another DUI, interfering with 911 (wtf), Assault of a female.
I'm glad that female isn't me. Your ex's new woman won't fare any better.
Pray for her. lol
My ex started dating an acquaintance of mine. We were also friends on facebook. Pictures of them at the beach, pictures of them doing the things I always asked him to do and he wouldn't.
She sent me messages that asked to leave him alone, because they were so in love, which was ironic because not only had I left him alone, I got a restraining order against him because of HIS stalking and harassment. I had the good sense to block her from facebook and my email.
And the last picture I saw of him.......Yep.....the DAILY ARRESTS. He was arrested for yet another DUI, interfering with 911 (wtf), Assault of a female.
I'm glad that female isn't me. Your ex's new woman won't fare any better.
Pray for her. lol
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Don't think for one minute that his life issues will not be going with him to his "NEW" relationship, nothing has changed, mental illness and addiction do not just evaporate.
Their might be a brief period of all is well (for them) but sooner than later, Reality will be beating down their door, and the switching seats on the Titanic will resume.
You have every right to hurt, break-ups are painful. I can only offer, you will not always feel this way, allow yourself to grieve and heal, we are right here, in the safety of the lifeboat with you, so more sinking ship for us, ((((big hugs)))))
Keep posting, it helps to get it all out, and we understand.
Their might be a brief period of all is well (for them) but sooner than later, Reality will be beating down their door, and the switching seats on the Titanic will resume.
You have every right to hurt, break-ups are painful. I can only offer, you will not always feel this way, allow yourself to grieve and heal, we are right here, in the safety of the lifeboat with you, so more sinking ship for us, ((((big hugs)))))
Keep posting, it helps to get it all out, and we understand.
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