What do you do when the pain won't go away.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 150
I wanted to write and thank you all for helping me today.
It was a rough day. Worse than most.
There are times when I question my sanity, and today was one of them. When I think about how happy John would be to know how low I was (suicidal in fact) and how he would probably jump for joy to know how much he has hurt me... it makes me sick.
The one thing I have NEVER understood is why people get pleasure from hurting others. I have even talked to John about this fact many, many times. So he knows... has zero empathy. For what he put me and my boys through. I have got to come to terms with the fact that the man I married did not exist. He never loved me, he cannot love in the way that normal people did and do. Normal people don't get divorced from someone they supposedly "loved" one day and get engaged to another woman the next. For god's sake, I haven't even been on a date, I've been working hard in therapy, trying to overcome the end of my marriage and what happened to me.
The pluses are...
I have enrolled in school, something my x did not support at all. (God forbid I better myself and leave him for another student).
I have looked deep inside myself, and am working through my self esteem issues every day. I was a prime target for him when he came into my life.
I've lost 30 pounds due to this lovely ulcer I've obtained, and am skinnier than I was in high school.
I've been promoted at work, which means I have the financial security I need to maintain my household permanently, on my own.
I bought myself a new sports car on Friday, traded in my "mom" vehicle, got an awesome deal and a sweet ride. Errands are now fun.
I've joined a wonderful church, am socializing with people outside of work (something I was not permitted to do while married to John) and have reconnected with the friends that John did not approve of. They have been here for me every moment of the day. My best friend's husband even lets me call him any time day or night, and every time I apologize for taking up his time he says to me "Don't you realize you are a blessing in our lives too?".
My kids are happy, we are closer than we ever were. They are angry with John because of the things he did to me / us before he left my home, but they also believe that he is mentally disordered. My oldest son who was close to John actually said the other day that he felt John was immature, and did not love any of us. It surprised the heck out of me. I've never said a word to them about my suspicions that John has a personality disorder.
But they know he was not normal, not in any way, shape, or form.
They knew more than I did, what I ignored because I loved him.
I'm taking anti depressants, and I'm putting one foot in front of the other. I've accepted a coffee date with a gentleman, but I will take it slow. I will not hurt this person because I am hurting. I am not like John.
Thank god for you all...
Lyn
It was a rough day. Worse than most.
There are times when I question my sanity, and today was one of them. When I think about how happy John would be to know how low I was (suicidal in fact) and how he would probably jump for joy to know how much he has hurt me... it makes me sick.
The one thing I have NEVER understood is why people get pleasure from hurting others. I have even talked to John about this fact many, many times. So he knows... has zero empathy. For what he put me and my boys through. I have got to come to terms with the fact that the man I married did not exist. He never loved me, he cannot love in the way that normal people did and do. Normal people don't get divorced from someone they supposedly "loved" one day and get engaged to another woman the next. For god's sake, I haven't even been on a date, I've been working hard in therapy, trying to overcome the end of my marriage and what happened to me.
The pluses are...
I have enrolled in school, something my x did not support at all. (God forbid I better myself and leave him for another student).
I have looked deep inside myself, and am working through my self esteem issues every day. I was a prime target for him when he came into my life.
I've lost 30 pounds due to this lovely ulcer I've obtained, and am skinnier than I was in high school.
I've been promoted at work, which means I have the financial security I need to maintain my household permanently, on my own.
I bought myself a new sports car on Friday, traded in my "mom" vehicle, got an awesome deal and a sweet ride. Errands are now fun.
I've joined a wonderful church, am socializing with people outside of work (something I was not permitted to do while married to John) and have reconnected with the friends that John did not approve of. They have been here for me every moment of the day. My best friend's husband even lets me call him any time day or night, and every time I apologize for taking up his time he says to me "Don't you realize you are a blessing in our lives too?".
My kids are happy, we are closer than we ever were. They are angry with John because of the things he did to me / us before he left my home, but they also believe that he is mentally disordered. My oldest son who was close to John actually said the other day that he felt John was immature, and did not love any of us. It surprised the heck out of me. I've never said a word to them about my suspicions that John has a personality disorder.
But they know he was not normal, not in any way, shape, or form.
They knew more than I did, what I ignored because I loved him.
I'm taking anti depressants, and I'm putting one foot in front of the other. I've accepted a coffee date with a gentleman, but I will take it slow. I will not hurt this person because I am hurting. I am not like John.
Thank god for you all...
Lyn
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 48
Love4,
Trust me...YOU won! The person who lost is that new woman. He will eventually start abuser her, end the relationship then find a new one.
Your situation sounds so similar to mine. Especially the part that he didn't harm me but terrified me. You are upset because you still loved him. You feel used and discarded. You wished it could have ended on your terms. But if you did that it might have delayed the end of the relationship. He would have "beat" the love out of you with his abuse and done mental harm to your child. Give it a few more years, then you would be HAPPY to see him go! Don't you think it was better for it to end now?
Trust me...YOU won! The person who lost is that new woman. He will eventually start abuser her, end the relationship then find a new one.
Your situation sounds so similar to mine. Especially the part that he didn't harm me but terrified me. You are upset because you still loved him. You feel used and discarded. You wished it could have ended on your terms. But if you did that it might have delayed the end of the relationship. He would have "beat" the love out of you with his abuse and done mental harm to your child. Give it a few more years, then you would be HAPPY to see him go! Don't you think it was better for it to end now?
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by love4menotu 
. . . My best friend's husband even lets me call him any time day or night, and every time I apologize for taking up his time he says to me "Don't you realize you are a blessing in our lives too?".
. . .
. . .
Just as a caution -- I would suggest you keep this one in check.
You do not want to wear that welcome out at all.
Better to have people want more of you, rather than be tired of you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hmmm, calling your best friend's husband instead of your best friend? at all hours of the day and night? might want to really LOOK at that? what are your motives there...instead of talking to a female friend, you talk to another person's husband??
I suggest you clear all men out of your life, for a while. unless they are relatives. you are still hurting big time over your recent divorce and what your now ex is doing with his life. you are still far far too entangled with your ex....what he does, what he says....reaching out to him for....reassurance? only to get shot down in flames. you need TIME hon. gift yourself with time.
I suggest you clear all men out of your life, for a while. unless they are relatives. you are still hurting big time over your recent divorce and what your now ex is doing with his life. you are still far far too entangled with your ex....what he does, what he says....reaching out to him for....reassurance? only to get shot down in flames. you need TIME hon. gift yourself with time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
It sounds as if your ex might also be a narcissist, and they are tough to love, tough and destructive to live with, and like to make themselves perpetually superior by making those around them diminished. Google "narcissism and Sam Vaknin" and you'll find lots of information that may be useful.
If you haven't looked at it, you might read the sticky at the top of the F&F of alcoholics index page: "What is abuse?"
It seems like you are measuring your self-esteem through HIS eyes, and that is a classic response for someone who has been abused. Part of recovery is taking back your own view of yourself for who you are, not for who he thinks you are, or worse, who he WANTS you to think you are so that he can aggrandize himself and belittle you.
This man is not worth feeling suicidal. Nothing is worth that. Keep coming here, and we'll keep telling you that!
ShootingStar1
If you haven't looked at it, you might read the sticky at the top of the F&F of alcoholics index page: "What is abuse?"
It seems like you are measuring your self-esteem through HIS eyes, and that is a classic response for someone who has been abused. Part of recovery is taking back your own view of yourself for who you are, not for who he thinks you are, or worse, who he WANTS you to think you are so that he can aggrandize himself and belittle you.
This man is not worth feeling suicidal. Nothing is worth that. Keep coming here, and we'll keep telling you that!
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 150
Thanks Anvil and Hammer... I only call him when my bestie can't talk.
That's been 3x in the last few months, but I understand what you are saying, thank you. And I always leave her a message that says I am calling her hubby when she can't pick up. I think him saying I can call anytime is to reassure me that I am not abusing their friendship, because I constantly apologize for bothering them.
That's been 3x in the last few months, but I understand what you are saying, thank you. And I always leave her a message that says I am calling her hubby when she can't pick up. I think him saying I can call anytime is to reassure me that I am not abusing their friendship, because I constantly apologize for bothering them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
Well done on enrolling in school, making friends, creating a new social network,
getting a promotion, and on getting yourself an awesome car :-)
These are healthy things.
But the best thing of all is that you are working on your self-esteem.
Your kids sound smart and self-aware.
Why not set the goal of a very Happy Christmas celebration this year celebrating how far you have come :-)
getting a promotion, and on getting yourself an awesome car :-)
These are healthy things.
But the best thing of all is that you are working on your self-esteem.
Your kids sound smart and self-aware.
Why not set the goal of a very Happy Christmas celebration this year celebrating how far you have come :-)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
It sounds to me that you are on your way to having an amazing life without him, and they do say that the best revenge is living well........
I wish you strength, hope and peace...3 of the things I have found that are the hardest to attain when you have experienced what most of us on this board have. A lot of people take these things for granted..
I am proud of you and Im sure your kids are to.
I wish you strength, hope and peace...3 of the things I have found that are the hardest to attain when you have experienced what most of us on this board have. A lot of people take these things for granted..
I am proud of you and Im sure your kids are to.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 30
I so understand how you feel and I remember breaking my heart over the fact that my exABF was with another woman and even though I had chosen to leave him, it hurt so much. I cried for months and could not seem to move on or get over him, despite knowing in my heart that our relationship wasn't right. I wanted the man that I was in love with and who I thought loved me, but actually he loved alcohol far more than he had ever loved me. I went back after nine months as I could not cope without him. I did another four years with him. He got sober and things still didn't work out, but the bit that made the change for me was when I went for counselling and worked on my own issues. The main trauma that came through eventually after months of counselling was to do with being abandoned as a child and being alone. I realised eventually that I was a completely independent woman and I could manage without someone and also realised that I deserved a real life where I was loved, cared for and valued, not the life of an involuntary carer/enabler for someone else's issues who got abused and treated like dirt whenever he was "on one". I am finally content to be on my own and am busily building up my own world. I have no desire to be with him now, or anybody else for that matter - I'm looking after me, as I deserve it!!!! You will get stronger, you will survive and you will stop breaking your heart over this man. Look after you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
The thought that your XH is a narcissist keeps re-surfacing for me. The brutality of his emotional attacks and the pleasure he takes in your pain seem quite pointed. If you haven't, take a look at the sticky "What Abuse Is" that English Garden started. It is at the top of the Friends and Families of Alcoholics thread index page.
She wrote an eloquent description that includes explaining how verbal and emotional abuse can as profoundly damaging - or more damaging - than physical abuse. I wrote my story there of having escaped after a 20 year marriage to an emotionally abusive narcissistic AH. What you have written reverberates with me with what I experienced.
Each time you post, you add a bit more of your story, like being yelled at for 13 hours, and each bit we hear is worse than the previous.
We are all here to bear witness to the abuse you have suffered and to help you move beyond it and heal. For me, the early steps were coming to Sober Recovery and getting feedback that what I was living with was NOT normal, it was not my fault, I did not deserve it, and I could choose a better life.
Hugs your way,
ShootingStar1
She wrote an eloquent description that includes explaining how verbal and emotional abuse can as profoundly damaging - or more damaging - than physical abuse. I wrote my story there of having escaped after a 20 year marriage to an emotionally abusive narcissistic AH. What you have written reverberates with me with what I experienced.
Each time you post, you add a bit more of your story, like being yelled at for 13 hours, and each bit we hear is worse than the previous.
We are all here to bear witness to the abuse you have suffered and to help you move beyond it and heal. For me, the early steps were coming to Sober Recovery and getting feedback that what I was living with was NOT normal, it was not my fault, I did not deserve it, and I could choose a better life.
Hugs your way,
ShootingStar1
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