Things Went Nuclear
 

It's been a long, difficult night. I snapped. Finally pushed over the edge (or allowed myself to finally jump off the edge...I'm not sure).

And I'll be darned. It wasn't a horrible instance of emotional abuse that did it. It wasn't his continued and hurtful total ambivalence to my presence that did it. It wasn't one of those looks of disgust he shoots at me, designed to make me feel ugly and undesirable.

It was dog food.

Yes people, dog food pushed me over the edge. My AH was being utterly irrational and ridiculous, trying to convince me that it costs the same to feed his dog (who weighs 90 pounds and eats 4 cups of food a day) as it costs to feed my dog (who weighs 8 pounds and eats about 1/2 cup of food a day). He was being crazy about it, and then did that quackery crap where he acts like I'm the crazy/stupid one while he is being totally normal and reasonable. I could literally feel myself running toward that edge, and finally I just looked at him and said "I'm done. I can't do this anymore." And there was no argument about it...no expression of sadness or grief at all on his part.

Oh, it got ugly, mostly because he continues to be convinced that I am going to try to take our son away from him, or turn our son against him. He is totally ambivalent about losing me. All he cared about was seeing our son (totally understandable), and whether I was going to go after his retirement money and/or dispose of his belongings before he can get them moved. He started asking me where I was going to move to, what my plan was (because CLEARLY I have been plotting every detail of my escape on December 2 for MONTHS *snort*), and when I kept saying "I don't know," he made a snotty and slightly threatening comment about how maybe we should talk to the pastor. Not so the pastor can miraculously save our marriage. So the pastor will somehow "make" me answer his questions. And, of course, because he truly does believe all of this is my fault, and he wants the pastor to take his side, blame everything on me, and damn me to eternal hell. I also think it was a threat similar to when he has threatened to call the police on me. Thinking I don't want people to know what's going on, so I would immediately bend to my AH's will the moment he threatened to expose me to the pastor as the heartless witch that I am. :headbange

I think I shocked him a little when I immediately whipped out my phone and called the pastor. We're seeing the pastor in the morning. I was too upset and crying to really talk to him, but my AH was all calm and cool as a cucumber telling the pastor "I am in town for a week after being hundreds of miles away for work, and my wife wants to leave me." Bring it on. I don't believe that either of us thinks that this trip to the pastor is an attempt to save our marriage. For him, it will be an attempt to get the pastor on "his" side and make me look as bad as possible. For me, it will be about laying some groundwork that will hopefully minimize my AH's bad behavior over the next couple of days before he leaves for work again. Historically he gets more volatile and upset the closer his departure day is. And that's under "normal" circumstances.

So say some prayers, send good juju, and cross your fingers and toes. It's going to be a bumpy ride over here this week. It's the beginning of the end over here, and I know this is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship (even a relationship that is "only" emotionally abusive). He's cycling pretty quickly between wanting to be "cordial" for our son's sake, and walking around muttering the usual passive-aggressive quacks about what a horrible person I am, how I lied to him, how I have ruined everybodies' lives, etc. I was an absolute wreck for several hours. I went to bed on time, and slept for about an hour before I woke up with that anxiety. So I came here to remind myself of my path, and why I am walking my particular path.

Dog food. Huh. As I read your post, my dog actually vomited in my bed, just now. It reminded me of what you will likely hear over the next few days. Warmed-over, regurgitated mess. I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it, but yes, I did clean it up and flushed it.

Hugs and prayers for you. Document everything (and ask friends and family to be around, for witnesses) if he chooses to become abusive. Please keep us updated; we care.

I will be sending you good wishes today.
As hard as it is, at least the ball is in motion.

You can handle this, and we are all in your corner.
peaceofpi is right--duckquack vomit will most likely fly
but don't let it disturb your core peace.

:Witch5: Here you are, riding off to see the pastor this AM!

Seriously, Wisconsin, big giant ((((HUGS)))) to you--what a load of craziness and crap. I know you were planning to end things soon anyway (was it in February?), so the time was close....

Having come this far, I know that you CAN and WILL handle this successfully. Please keep us updated and let us know you're OK.

Going to light my little "trouble lamp" for you today. Take care.

Wow, dog food. Who knew? Of course, one of our biggest arguments while RAH was actively drinking was a disagreement over the shade of blue i used to describe the sky that day so I totally get it. Sometimes it's the smallest things that tip us over that edge.

Sending you lots of strength and prayers today!!!

O Wisconsin...I am sorry. We were all just talking about this alot lately. It won't be when you are "ready" or "prepared" it will all just snap one day when you cannot take it anymore. Dog food...who knew. I think we are pushed and pushed and pushed until we literally just cannot take one more SECOND of the quacking and the bullying and the emoational and for some physical abuse.

Huge Hugs to you. Do not let him play the blame game, you are better than that.

Oh hugs, dear friend. I'm right there with you, except that mine is asking me to go to pastoral counseling, still drinking, lying about it, and saying that a separation is a bad idea now and that he won't leave. I should have gone your route and have ME be the one who moves out, which it might come to at this rate anyway. And, yes, he did accuse me of planning it all out and having soooo much time on my hands while he has no time at all to plan anything because he works so hard and provides for his family: quack quack quack. UGH!

I totally understand. Sending positive prayers your way! PM me on FB or call me if you need moral support!

The pastor is the referee?

Suppose there are worse ones. (by far).

In this case the whole thing sounds like a complete "Let Go and Let God."

Perhaps the pastor will suggest that your AH find somewhere else to live until he gets his act together,

Sister, spending the night in the bathtub screams get out to me.

All the good stuff/vibes/energy/prayers/juju/etc I can muster coming to you!!!! Keep that serenity prayer close in mind today...you will get through this!!

I predict he will turn your son against him all by himself. He's already blaming you for what hasn't happened yet.

I am very happy for you! Sometimes we are ready just because we have worked it out. You don't even know you are going to be done soon. And then there you are. Finished taking all the c**p.

May peaceful days follow soon!

Lots of thoughts and prayers coming your way, friend.
You sound calm and collected and focused, and that is good.
I wish I had had a good reaction to your plan to seeing the pastor. I hope he is a good pastor. I just had the most horrid experience of a pastor after I left AXH -- bad enough that it's kept me out of church since. Old school trying to talk me into coming back to AXH because it was my duty. I can't believe I didn't kick him in the balls.

Praying that things stay calm until he has to leave. Don't hesitate to throw him out if he gets threatening, though. Changing the locks doesn't cost much, and a restraining order is free.

Would love to hear how it went with the pastor.

My A tried to use the pastor to convince me to go to marriage counseling to talk about "our problems." I said I'd go to marriage counseling after A successfully completed rehab. My therapist had pointed out that marriage counseling was a waste of time with an alcoholic who won't work on recovery. It's just a chance for A to shift blame.

Pastors want to keep families intact. Mine finally agreed with me (due to issues described in Matthew 19 and 1 Corinthians 5:11), but I had to stand my ground for a while.

Amen...just found this out the hard way. I will be going to therapy...ALONE!

[QUOTE=peaceofpi;4328371]
My A tried to use the pastor to convince me to go to marriage counseling to talk about "our problems." I said I'd go to marriage counseling after A successfully completed rehab. My therapist had pointed out that marriage counseling was a waste of time with an alcoholic who won't work on recovery. It's just a chance for A to shift blame.

Thinking of you!

In general I find about three layers of would be advisers in this realm.

1. Those who Know what they are doing -- they are wise, follow them.

2. Those who Do Not Know what they are doing, and Know that they Know Not -- they will usually say so and advise you to get real help, elsewhere.

AND THEN . . . .

3. Those who Do Not Know what they are doing, and Do Not Know that they Know Not -- These folks are dangerous fools and should be avoided.

Thinking of you today! Hope you get a chance to update soon! (((HUGS)))

Thank you so much, everyone, for your kind words, your support, and all of the wonderful-ness you bring to my own recovery.

Anyway, I like our pastor, but I don't know him too terribly well, and I had a lot of trepidation. I grew up in a much more socially and liberally religious church, and I was very worried that any kind of marital counseling would involve a bunch of patriarchal ********, and commands to give everything to God, and all will be fine.

I could NOT have been more wrong.

The pastor has been amazing. He saw us together on Tuesday morning. It was much more like a high quality secular counseling session than anything religious. He barely mentioned God, and never mentioned the Bible. He asked us for the very basic answer to why we were there (I said it was because I am sick and tired of being last on his priority list, and my AH said it was because he resents me for the fact that he has to be away). The pastor said that usually he would have us each come in individually over the coming week, then have the three of us get back together a week or so after that. But because my AH was leaving in a couple of days, he asked us to come in individually Wednesday morning, and then together Wednesday evening. I went at 10, and laid it all on the table: the drinking, the abuse, all of it. I talked about how my AH is a good person, and this had been so hard because I wasn't someone who married an active drinker imagining a fantasy and thinking I could change him. I married a sober man, whose personality TOTALLY changed when he relapsed. I talked about how naive I was when I married him, and how little I knew about addiction at the time. I told the pastor that I have hope, because I always have hope, but that I am also very realistic: my AH is an active alcoholic with no acknowledgement whatsoever of his disease and no desire to change. As a result, he is not rational and the chances that he will make the changes he needs to make are very, very small. I told the pastor that this is the absolute very last stop on this train line for me: if I do not seen effort and change NOW (realizing that you don't fix 3 years of pain in a day), I am leaving. I also made it clear that we could very well get far into marital counseling and I will still decide to leave.

The pastor clearly knows about addiction, and what it means. He made it very clear to both of us that he will be here to counsel us through wherever we end up (even a split). I was so worried that we would get kicked out of the church if I leave my AH (and my son would lose his wonderful day care), but that will not happen at all. And when I was talking alone to the pastor and telling him the history, he asked me in the most pastor-y way possible, why I am still with my AH. So, he gets it. It's also really obvious that he sees right through the crap (mine AND my AH's).

Then we had a fine talk with the pastor again last night, and my AH left to work out of town this morning. Last night's meeting had more God stuff than the first one, and while the pastor DID bring out the Bible and go over some passages with us, they were passages about what love is, and how people who love each other behave. It also sounds like the pastor was able, at least for awhile, to give my AH some new perspective on how the way he treats me and marginalizes me is setting a bad example for our son during their one-on-one conversation yesterday morning. He asked my AH to keep in touch with him twice a week while he's away. That's all my AH's business, and I'm staying out of it, focusing on myself. One thing the pastor said which also surprised me was that if my AH was working locally, the pastor would be recommending we attend secular marriage counseling at least once a week. I think the pastor has a very real-world sense of what's going on. He asked us what things about ourselves we plan to work on while my AH is away. My AH said he will work on his anger management issues and his resentment toward me, and that he will work on building a relationship with God. I said that I will also work on nurturing my relationship with God, and that I need to work on how defensive I've become (which, of course, has developed totally naturally out of the circumstances, but is starting to affect my other friendships and family relationships, which I don't like). We all agreed that any attempts to try and work through specific issues and hurts in our marriage would be impossible right now, and our focuses are on ourselves, and on making the holidays special for each other and the kids. That feels manageable to me right now. To me, it feels like these are positive steps we can take now that at the very least have the potential to make co-parenting a little easier. I like that our "homework" involves focusing on ourselves.

One day at a time.

Glad to hear it went well and so glad that you have a wise and helpful pastor.

Books that helped me nurture my relationship with God have included One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp (about being thankful) and Jesus Calling (a daily devotional).

God Shoots! He Scores!

I suppose that is easy for Him. Being God, and all.

============

Kept reading down your list. and kept saying . . . yep. yep. yep.


yep.

yep.

yep.

oh yeah.

yep.

yep.


yep.

For sure.