goodstitch

I've given my qualifier one more chance only to be plagued with constantly wondering if he's had anything to drink. I've asked him if he's been drinking only to feel guilty about pressuring him. In a sick way I've been waiting for him to start drinking again, to fail, so that I can finally get away and stop obsessing about whether we have any kind of chance at all. I've known in my heart that even if he were to stop drinking for a year, I wouldn't ever really trust that he wouldn't drink again. The thought of that is such a turn off!
Tonight, on the phone, I could hear it. I listened for a bit and assessed. He was mentioning his age and how he fights feeling like a loser for not working. He became a tad argumentative and long winded. He was slurring his words. BIG one! He denied drinking initially but I didn't let it go because I knew. There was no fight just acceptance. The last thing I want to do is argue. The funny thing is that I didn't feel anger. I actually felt relief. Relief that I can trust what I know to be true. That my senses were not betraying me and that I no longer have to wonder when a relapse would happen. BTW, is it a relapse if one hasn't actually gone into treatment?
He said he wanted to get back to who he was, that he just wanted to feel normal and I believe that is true. Then we got cut off and he hasn't tried calling again. Better for me, I'm sure.
Just a little rant Thanks for listening. Please feel free to comment
G.S.

Pudding4242

I could have written this, but you wrote it better. Thanks.

honeypig

Hi, goodstitch. I think it's a relapse if he was in recovery of any sort, not necessarily only a formal treatment plan, since many recovering A's use only AA or the like and never enter any sort of rehab or treatment...just my opinion, how I would define it.

I can relate to your feeling of knowing that your senses are not betraying you, that what you perceive as reality actually IS reality. A few weeks ago, over the course of a couple of days, my A was acting very much as he did when drinking (4-1/2 months sober now, so far as I know). We argued about a couple things, very much in the pattern of how things used to be. He showed some physical quirks that he used to show when drinking. His whole being just seemed to have been taken back to the drinking days, and I thought to myself "either he IS drinking again or he's about to." Then, while reconciling our bank accounts, I found a cash withdrawal that I knew nothing about. Long story short, he denied, denied, denied and then, like your A, finally admitted that he had been "thinking about" drinking again. Would not admit to actually drinking, though, and I'll never know for certain, I'm sure.

There WAS a certain feeling of relief that I had seen the signs and correctly recognized them. In my case, not relief that the relapse had finally happened, but just that when I refused to sweep my own knowledge and feelings under the carpet (as I had been doing for years), lo and behold, I was right. I was not crazy or over exaggerating or misinterpreting facts or anything else.

I believe I do understand where you're coming from. I think it might be an important step for at least some of us to start learning to trust our intuition, to trust that we ARE seeing the facts correctly, when for so long we've been told by others (and even by ourselves!) that what we think and feel and believe we are seeing is NOT true.

Thanks for posting--this is a topic that's on my mind lately and I appreciate the chance to hear about it from others' viewpoints.

hopeful4

I know JUST what you mean. I think for me it was a relief too..sadly it validated what I knew all along. I still know it. However...it has finally pushed me to the point of realization of alot of things, mainly that I am in charge of me. If he continues to drink that is his actions, not mine. He will have to live with the fallout of that as he is now realizing. We are all responsible for our own selves and our own actions. I cannot control if he drinks, but I can sure control how I react and I have actively done that. It has helped me to feel much more in control of my own life.

Good Luck and God Bless!

peridotbleu

Learning to trust ourselves is a challenge because we have been manipulated. Since finding this site and attending alanon, I feel I have grown and learned so much. My AH is still hiding the fact that he drinks behind my back - but it is such a relief to know that I can trust my own instincts. Playing the guessing game with yourself can drive you straight to crazy-town! It doesnt help the hurt of feeling betrayed, because they will lie, but it does give you relief to know that YOU KNOW!
Great topic! Thanks :-)

AnvilheadII

so does this mean he has used up that Last Last Chance?

BoxinRotz

If I have to ask the question, Did you drink? I already know the answer!

goodstitch

Whoohoo! Thanks to everyone who commented on my post. I can't tell you how much it means to me to know that I've got company It's really amazing how much we can take and even more amazing when we can detach and let go.
My qualifier definitely used up his last chance, AnvilheadII. For weeks I've been struggling with my attraction to him, which I'm sure has everything to do with my inability to trust that he would stay sober. I told him it was a non-negotionable that he not drink. No more of this up and down. It's absolutely ridiculous! I also said that he had to do what he said he would do, not cancel plans that we've made, and be the kind of man my friends and family are super happy to see me with. I want the DANG blessing! When I heard him last night I wasn't angry AT ALL! I felt free because I knew that was it. Today I was listening to love songs knowing that there was someone better out there waiting for me
Hang in there everybody. Whatever you're going through you can handle and if you can't you'll figure out how to get the heck away from it
Big hugs and love to all.
GS