My codie relapse

Old 12-03-2013, 08:34 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Ok, Ixi. Hope you do not mind too much if I run a little self-correction test on your thread here . . . .

This morning I codie-noticed that Mrs. Hammer was back down to the old pants (small enough for our 11 y.o. daughter to wear) collection from before rehab. And was pleased. And no breakfast dishes in the sink nor dishwasher, and the usual packed lunch container is left behind.

Points towards likely total crashing.

I have been to this show before. Bought front row tickets, last time.

Originally Posted by Hammer View Post

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
So I shall "intuitively know" to . . . just put the dishes in the dishwasher, get prayed up, hit an Alanoon meeting, and work on my truck today. And Let Go and Let God.

dunno. Does not seem real intuitive to me. In fact, "intuitive," itself sounds a bit like pompous-ass to me right now.

mkay. Check the mission statement. The Three Kids are the #1 Priority. None of the kids are named Mrs. Hammer.

yunno. There is talking sh1t and then there is doing sh1t. Somehow doing sh1t always seems to turn out harder.
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Old 12-03-2013, 08:48 AM
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I am hearing it said that I have no right to know if my A is drinking or not. I am hearing it said that I have serious issues if I can't decide to trust or not trust based on, basically, nothing at all...

What I am figuring out for myself here is that I DO have a right to know whether my A is drinking or not. He may be an adult with rights of his own, but so am I, and MY rights include not being lied to and not having money withdrawn from joint accounts w/o both parties knowing it is being done and why. I cannot force him to change these behaviors, very true, but I am also not going to wear blinders and pretend it is not happening.

I DO have a right to look at the evidence and decide if I am going to trust or if I'm being lied to again. Otherwise how do I know if I'm being played again? I know, put it in the HP's hands--well, the HP gave me eyes and a brain, too, which I did not use for the past how many years, and look where it landed me!

Thank you to all who posted here--you've forced me to think very hard about this. I respectfully disagree with many of you (for now, anyway, as things can always change) but again, I thank you for making me really struggle with this, even if in the end I don't agree.
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Old 12-03-2013, 08:54 AM
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I totally agree with you. I have children with this man. I have a home and finances with this man. His home is OUR home and I have a right not to allow drinking inside it. That being said, I stopped scouring the house for evidence quite a while ago. Why....it was driving ME crazy and making ME miserable. It did not really change a thing for him, maybe just traded one hiding place for another.

So yes, I have a right to know if my children are safe with this man. I have a right to know if he is spending our hard earned money on booze as we struggle as it is to pay legitimate bills. I have a right to know what boundaries I have set and a right to know if he has stepped over them and if I am being lied to. What I cannot do is change any of it besides what I choose to do about it. I expect nothing of him at this point. I expect much more of myself.

Take it for what it is.



Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
I am hearing it said that I have no right to know if my A is drinking or not. I am hearing it said that I have serious issues if I can't decide to trust or not trust based on, basically, nothing at all...

What I am figuring out for myself here is that I DO have a right to know whether my A is drinking or not. He may be an adult with rights of his own, but so am I, and MY rights include not being lied to and not having money
withdrawn from joint accounts w/o both parties knowing it is being done and why. I cannot force him to change these behaviors, very true, but I am also not going to wear blinders and pretend it is not happening.

I DO have a right to look at the evidence and decide if I am going to trust or if I'm being lied to again. Otherwise how do I know if I'm being played again? I know, put it in the HP's hands--well, the HP gave me eyes and a brain, too, which I did not use for the past how many years, and look where it landed me!

Thank you to all who posted here--you've forced me to think very hard about this. I respectfully disagree with many of you (for now, anyway, as things can always change) but again, I thank you for making me really struggle with this, even if in the end I don't agree.
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Old 12-03-2013, 08:55 AM
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
I am hearing it said that I have no right to know if my A is drinking or not. I am hearing it said that I have serious issues if I can't decide to trust or not trust based on, basically, nothing at all...

What I am figuring out for myself here is that I DO have a right to know whether my A is drinking or not. He may be an adult with rights of his own, but so am I, and MY rights include not being lied to and not having money withdrawn from joint accounts w/o both parties knowing it is being done and why. I cannot force him to change these behaviors, very true, but I am also not going to wear blinders and pretend it is not happening.

I DO have a right to look at the evidence and decide if I am going to trust or if I'm being lied to again. Otherwise how do I know if I'm being played again? I know, put it in the HP's hands--well, the HP gave me eyes and a brain, too, which I did not use for the past how many years, and look where it landed me!

Thank you to all who posted here--you've forced me to think very hard about this. I respectfully disagree with many of you (for now, anyway, as things can always change) but again, I thank you for making me really struggle with this, even if in the end I don't agree.
I need to put that bumper sticker on the back of truck that says,

"Do Not Follow Me -- I am Lost, Too."

Might just be a too much brains and thinking thing on all sides.

If we were smart enough to get this all figured out by ourselves, we would not likely need SR, Alanon, HP/God, The Program . . . . or have an A in our lives, huh?
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Old 12-03-2013, 09:22 AM
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I guess what I'm finally starting to realize (I think, I'm new and very, very green) is this: If his behaviors and actions imply that he's maintaining his sobriety, I should trust that he is and I shouldn't go searching for proof that he's relapsed (as in searching his car like I did a few weeks ago.)

On the other hand, if things don't add up, I do have the right to ask him about it. Like in Honeypig's case, she asked what the missing money was used for. He was evasive, she persisted, he admitted. Nothing wrong with that. It's going out of my way to look for "proof" that's wrong, if that makes sense. And, to be honest, it only makes me feel crazier when I do it anyway.

Also, my husband does have the right to drink if he chooses. It's his life. I just also have the right to choose not to stay with him because he's drinking.
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Old 12-03-2013, 09:29 AM
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Bravo!


Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971 View Post
I guess what I'm finally starting to realize (I think, I'm new and very, very green) is this: If his behaviors and actions imply that he's maintaining his sobriety, I should trust that he is and I shouldn't go searching for proof that he's relapsed (as in searching his car like I did a few weeks ago.)

On the other hand, if things don't add up, I do have the right to ask him about it. Like in Honeypig's case, she asked what the missing money was used for. He was evasive, she persisted, he admitted. Nothing wrong with that. It's going out of my way to look for "proof" that's wrong, if that makes sense. And, to be honest, it only makes me feel crazier when I do it anyway.

Also, my husband does have the right to drink if he chooses. It's his life. I just also have the right to choose not to stay with him because he's drinking.
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Old 12-03-2013, 09:44 AM
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Hopeful, I'm in a different situation. My husband primarily drinks at home, alone, so rarely drinks & drives. When he does, it's always after watching a game at a friend's house or bar. In those cases, my children are never with him so very different from your situation. (& yes, that's still totally wrong.)

On the other hand, my BIL frequently drinks & drives, has had a DUI, & has driven drunk with his kids in the car. I do not let my kids ride with BIL.

In my husband's case, I learned a long time ago that if I told him he couldn't drive because he'd been drinking, it would just start an argument. To avoid that, any time I suspect he's been drinking, I just drive the kids wherever they have to go, even if it's inconvenient for me. He doesn't like driving them places so that's fine with him. To be honest, he really only drives dd to school a couple mornings and to the occasional afternoon ortho appointment on his days off. I don't know what I'd do in your case. You are right that you do have a duty to protect your children that transcends your husband's right to do what he wants.
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Old 12-03-2013, 10:18 AM
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O I don't let my AH drive my kids unless I completely know he is sober, and I drive them to all evening activities because even if he is sober to start with, what will he do in that hour or two he is waiting? It runs me to death, but no more so than if I was a single mother. Lucikly I ALWAYS can tell if he has been drinking. If he picks up anyone he has to call me or see me first so I know he is sober. I can tell if he drinks AT ALL.

One thing I do see however is how it is affecting my children. I went into my daughters room on Saturday. They (ages 14 and 8) were talking very low and I could hear the stress in their voices. My little daughter was telling my older daughter that earlier when I was downstairs and he was playing barbies with her that she asked him what he was drinking and he said an energy drink but she thought it was not and that it was a big blue can. Well...low and behold..nope...it was a beer.

It was one beer. I was home (alhough in garage and outside). Were we in danger? No. Was it still causing my children distress? YES. She was very upset because her father had lied to her and that is wrong. Luckily we were getting ready to leave the house anyways so there was no big scene as I am not allowing myself or my children to be exposed to him if he has been drinking.

I did later tell him that conversation because he needs to know how it affects their lives what he is doing. Completely remove me from the picture, he is still messing with his kids heads. I also told my daughter she can tell me anything at any time without worrying about it and that no matter what happens we love her and she did not cause any of this and on and on.

So you see what I am saying here? It is not just the fear of his driving. It is also him acting a fool if he drinks too much (which is why I won't allow us to be exposed to it). It is the damage it causes all of us in our lives.


Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971 View Post
Hopeful, I'm in a different situation. My husband primarily drinks at home, alone, so rarely drinks & drives. When he does, it's always after watching a game at a friend's house or bar. In those cases, my children are never with him so very different from your situation. (& yes, that's still totally wrong.)

On the other hand, my BIL frequently drinks & drives, has had a DUI, & has driven drunk with his kids in the car. I do not let my kids ride with BIL.

In my husband's case, I learned a long time ago that if I told him he couldn't drive because he'd been drinking, it would just start an argument. To avoid that, any time I suspect he's been drinking, I just drive the kids wherever they have to go, even if it's inconvenient for me. He doesn't like driving them places so that's fine with him. To be honest, he really only drives dd to school a couple mornings and to the occasional afternoon ortho appointment on his days off. I don't know what I'd do in your case. You are right that you do have a duty to protect your children that transcends your husband's right to do what he wants.
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Old 12-03-2013, 10:32 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
So you see what I am saying here? It is not just the fear of his driving. It is also him acting a fool if he drinks too much (which is why I won't allow it). It is the damage it causes all of us in our lives.
Yes, I do see. Unfortunately, my AH does not see. Even when I told him dd was counting the vodka bottles and even when ds moved out. The "real issue" is of course me, our marriage, ds, etc, etc, etc (insert eyeroll.) He supposedly hasn't drank in a month. If his grouchiness on game days is any indication, I may actually believe him! The current boundary is no drinking in our house. I don't think he can live with that boundary much longer. After all, Christmas, New Year's, the Super Bowl, and wed, thurs, fri, sat, sun are all coming up
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Old 12-03-2013, 10:38 AM
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Ahhh yes...they can only white knuckle it for so long which is why it never works unless you are working an actual program. You cannot beat addiction alone!

O believe me, he acted all sad that my dd's have been affected...but it won't be enough to change anything. He has made many many empty promises to them, they know it too. I don't ever talk in a negative way about him to them, they have figured it all out themselves. I don't hide it for him either, I stopped lying to everyone for him quite a while ago..that did free me alot. So again..what do I expect of him....absolutely nothing.


Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971 View Post
Yes, I do see. Unfortunately, my AH does not see. Even when I told him dd was counting the vodka bottles and even when ds moved out. The "real issue" is of course me, our marriage, ds, etc, etc, etc (insert eyeroll.) He supposedly hasn't drank in a month. If his grouchiness on game days is any indication, I may actually believe him! The current boundary is no drinking in our house. I don't think he can live with that boundary much longer. After all, Christmas, New Year's, the Super Bowl, and wed, thurs, fri, sat, sun are all coming up
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Old 12-03-2013, 02:01 PM
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Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971 View Post
.
Also, my husband does have the right to drink if he chooses. It's his life. I just also have the right to choose not to stay with him because he's drinking.
I am no expert, but this is so right on the money. Bravo is RIGHT!
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