Loopydays

I read here somewhere- when you 're done, you know you're done.
I think I'm getting to that point- I no longer want to live in a marriage where everything is ok when we are ignoring the elephant in the room.
So I am upstairs avoiding life in the house, and I know I have to pack things and move-
This is when I knew I was done, when I realised that I could move from the house I have lived in for 28 years, just so that I can live with integrity-
I know my husband will look at me blankly as he says but everything is ok, I look after everything now, I put myself out every day for you, I am sober for you. I have no problems, they are all yours, I am happy, so should you be!!

But I am not, he hasn't worked in 2 years, he has no money, he hasn't looked for a job, nor will talk about it- that falls under " my recovery is my private business."
I am angry- mostly with myself, angry that I have stayed in the hope that he will become more aware in his recovery, stayed because I am scared of moving, scared of telling the children(youngest 16), angry because 3 weeks before Christmas I am at a crossroads, angry that today I am still hesitating...

Just had to write it down, to own how I feel, to get me out of bed and to start the process- to hammer the point that wishing he will change had been, and will be, futile. I've given his recovery 18 months, it's time to move on...

Hoping my HP will give me the strength....

lillamy

Hugs. It's a strange feeling. Heartbreaking but freeing. Realizing you could walk out the door and not look back and be better off than you are today.

I wish you strength and love, friend.

Seren

I'm sorry that all this is coming to a head, so to speak, right before the holidays...

Sending hugs and prayers for peace and strength.

dandylion

LoopyDays, your strength will show up exactly when you need it to--it is amazing how that happens!
You get started with baby steps. Baby steps are the ticket.
Suggested first baby steps: Consult with a lawyer to gather information. Start imagining--one room at a time--what you might keep/donate/storage. Attend first alanon meeting (if you haven't already). Any one of these will start the ball rolling.
First baby step is the hardest--then they get easier.

Just think--you have been strong enough to endure all of this--you can handle anything you have to.

You would be shocked at how many people reach their "crossroads" at the holidays!

dandylion

JustAGirl1971

Loopydays, I could have written much of your post. It's hard, the back and forth/ should I stay or should I go thing. I also feel like I'm done. Yesterday was an especially bad day. He was in major passive aggressive mean mode with me. Nothing I did was right. I'm basically a mean, manipulative, fat (I wear size 4-6 not that that matters), abusive bitch. Today, of course, he's being rational, nice, & helpful - more like the man I thought I married. Logically, I know that yesterday was because it was game day and he couldn't drink. It doesn't matter though, there's just so much of the abuse that we can take. It's ok to be done. It's ok to walk away.

I agree with dandylion - just keep taking baby steps forward. They may seem like baby steps but they will get you where you want to be: a new, improved, better life. So much better than what we've been doing (waiting for them to change.)

hopeful4

Loopy...I keep waiting for the "right" time because of my kids. Someone on here said not too long ago...that it will just click one day. That no matter what the situation is that I just won't be able to live with it for a second longer. The time won't be right but it never is.

I have thought about this alot. I am at least preparing my mind to not feel such panic when that time comes for I know it will be soon.

Good Luck and God Bless. Keep posting, you are not alone.

dandylion

Hopeful4--I know that that time came for me when the pain of staying was greater than the fear of leaving.

dandylion

Loopydays

Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts- yes baby steps- going to move slowly into a vacant house next door. It will give me breathing room, I have never lived on my own, it will be nice not to have to tune into an alcoholic mood. There are 2 kids at home, so even if they want to move with me, they will have access to both houses.
I am hoping that we will be able to do this amicably, but what will be, will be.... That's another bridge to cross.
Yes, dandy lion, been going regularly to Al Anon for 18 months now- it helped clear my mind so that this decision is thought out and not just a reaction. I am lucky to have a good sponsor and friends in Al Anon - who will keep me grounded in the next few weeks.
Thanx again

Loopydays

Justagirl and Hopeful- I truly believe the time does come when it clicks, and deep down you know. Up until now I always had an excuse, always put it off- I love my RAH, but as you said, I could keep waiting until I am hundred for him to change...... It's just not going to happen. I wish you both happiness and the serenity to recognise when the time is right.
I will be thinking of you both in the coming weeks.

hopeful4

That is the just the quote I was trying to reach into my head for...Thank You Dandylion!