I had forgotten

Old 12-01-2013, 01:40 PM
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I had forgotten

We put up and decorated the tree this morning, to the sound of Christmas songs and with hot chocolate and cookies.

I sat by the boxes, took out the ornaments, and handed them to the children, who hung them.

At the bottom of the box of ornaments, I found an envelope. It was addressed to my children, in my handwriting. And it said "in case I'm not around at Christmastime 2013."

I hid it before they saw it.

I had forgotten. I had forgotten that when we took the decorations down, I was living in so much fear that I was not convinced that their father would not have killed me by now.

I don't even know what I'm feeling. It's amazing what you can forget. It's amazing how a person can change.
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Old 12-01-2013, 02:14 PM
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I'm sorry, lillamy What a horrible and painful way for you to live. I can't imagine the feelings that letter must have dredged up for you. I'm so thankful that you are out, safe, and have found a man who treats you the way you deserve! Prayers for a peaceful, joyful, holiday season for you and your children
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Old 12-01-2013, 02:17 PM
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I'm so sorry that you felt, at one time, that you had to leave a letter like that for your family.

I'm so sorry that you had to find it again and relive that while in the middle of, what sounds like, a lovely family time decorating.

Sending hugs and hugs, and prayers for a joyful Christmas!
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Old 12-01-2013, 02:25 PM
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It is good we do not have all our memories present all the time.

I must admit I have not read what you have been through – I am glad you got through it and out on the other end.

I do hope you will have a good Christmas. I have not started any Christmas songs here yet – I will. My kids are in fact grown men – it is a little different than when you have little kids.

If you share personality with Lilla My – that could have helped you through
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Old 12-01-2013, 04:03 PM
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WOW, lillamy--your post took my breath away.

I know your post will extend hope to some others who need it.

Thanks.

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Old 12-01-2013, 04:49 PM
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Wow. My heart goes out to you more than ever-- to be that afraid and to write a letter to your children is so sad and so scary...

I have a note in my phone from 2 yrs ago that I wrote after a terrible night with then AH now xAH saying who I hoped the girls could go live with if something happened to me and I keep it as a reminder I guess that I was THAT afraid and that no matter how he acts now, I know how capable he is of terrible stuff...

Not trying to hijack your post-- it just reminded me of that...

I'm glad you found the note before your kids did by the way...
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Old 12-01-2013, 06:36 PM
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Thank you all.

It is truly amazing the capacity we have for healing. For forgetting.
It was actually in a strange way a good Christmas gift for me.
To make me remember how far I have come.
How peaceful my life is.
And how the things that I get all worked up about today may still be difficult -- but not THAT difficult.

There is always hope that things can get better. Even if you feel the tunnel is veeeeeeery long some days.
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Old 12-01-2013, 06:57 PM
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That was a very touching post.
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Old 12-01-2013, 07:46 PM
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You have come a LONG way! You should celebrate that!

I am so glad for you that your life has improved so much in a year. You should never have been put in a position that you had to write that letter in the first place. I am thrilled for you and your children that life is so much better for all of you.

Can you even imagine how great life will be for you all next Christmas?
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Old 12-02-2013, 08:57 PM
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Thank you for sharing that story. I am very glad you are here and made it to this point.
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Old 12-03-2013, 06:21 AM
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I'm so glad you're still here. <3
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Old 12-03-2013, 07:25 AM
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O Amy.....that just broke my heart for you. I cannot image what pain you had to be in during that time.

I am so happy you have had such progress. Many Many hugs my friend!
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Old 12-03-2013, 12:17 PM
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It was addressed to my children, in my handwriting. And it said "in case I'm not around at Christmastime 2013."

Wow. So glad you're free from that. I wrote "death letter" to my older son while I was in Iraq in case I didn't come home- he was 5 at the time. It's a scary feeling to imagine not being there for your kids. I threw the letter away, but I've never forgotten it.
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Old 12-03-2013, 01:18 PM
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If you share personality with Lilla My – that could have helped you through
Haha -- I wish. I chose her because I'd like to be more like her.

Ladyscribbler -- I can't even imagine your feelings doing that. For me, it was just one person being crazy and irrational and I could (and did) build protections against that threat. For you, it was your job. God bless you. I am so in awe of anybody who is able to join the armed forces and put their lives in danger. Hugs.
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