I had forgotten
 

We put up and decorated the tree this morning, to the sound of Christmas songs and with hot chocolate and cookies.

I sat by the boxes, took out the ornaments, and handed them to the children, who hung them.

At the bottom of the box of ornaments, I found an envelope. It was addressed to my children, in my handwriting. And it said "in case I'm not around at Christmastime 2013."

I hid it before they saw it.

I had forgotten. I had forgotten that when we took the decorations down, I was living in so much fear that I was not convinced that their father would not have killed me by now.

I don't even know what I'm feeling. It's amazing what you can forget. It's amazing how a person can change.

I'm sorry, lillamy :( What a horrible and painful way for you to live. I can't imagine the feelings that letter must have dredged up for you. I'm so thankful that you are out, safe, and have found a man who treats you the way you deserve! Prayers for a peaceful, joyful, holiday season for you and your children :)

I'm so sorry that you felt, at one time, that you had to leave a letter like that for your family.

I'm so sorry that you had to find it again and relive that while in the middle of, what sounds like, a lovely family time decorating.

Sending hugs and hugs, and prayers for a joyful Christmas!

It is good we do not have all our memories present all the time.

I must admit I have not read what you have been through – I am glad you got through it and out on the other end.

I do hope you will have a good Christmas. I have not started any Christmas songs here yet – I will. My kids are in fact grown men – it is a little different than when you have little kids.

If you share personality with Lilla My – that could have helped you through:)

WOW, lillamy--your post took my breath away.

I know your post will extend hope to some others who need it.

Thanks.

dandylion

Wow. My heart goes out to you more than ever-- to be that afraid and to write a letter to your children is so sad and so scary...

I have a note in my phone from 2 yrs ago that I wrote after a terrible night with then AH now xAH saying who I hoped the girls could go live with if something happened to me and I keep it as a reminder I guess that I was THAT afraid and that no matter how he acts now, I know how capable he is of terrible stuff...

Not trying to hijack your post-- it just reminded me of that...

I'm glad you found the note before your kids did by the way...

Thank you all.

It is truly amazing the capacity we have for healing. For forgetting.
It was actually in a strange way a good Christmas gift for me.
To make me remember how far I have come.
How peaceful my life is.
And how the things that I get all worked up about today may still be difficult -- but not THAT difficult. :)

There is always hope that things can get better. Even if you feel the tunnel is veeeeeeery long some days. :)

That was a very touching post.

You have come a LONG way! You should celebrate that!:c011:

I am so glad for you that your life has improved so much in a year. You should never have been put in a position that you had to write that letter in the first place. I am thrilled for you and your children that life is so much better for all of you.

Can you even imagine how great life will be for you all next Christmas?

Thank you for sharing that story. I am very glad you are here and made it to this point.

I'm so glad you're still here. <3

O Amy.....that just broke my heart for you. I cannot image what pain you had to be in during that time.

I am so happy you have had such progress. Many Many hugs my friend!

It was addressed to my children, in my handwriting. And it said "in case I'm not around at Christmastime 2013."

Wow. So glad you're free from that. I wrote "death letter" to my older son while I was in Iraq in case I didn't come home- he was 5 at the time. It's a scary feeling to imagine not being there for your kids. I threw the letter away, but I've never forgotten it.

Haha -- I wish. I chose her because I'd like to be more like her. :)

Ladyscribbler -- I can't even imagine your feelings doing that. For me, it was just one person being crazy and irrational and I could (and did) build protections against that threat. For you, it was your job. God bless you. I am so in awe of anybody who is able to join the armed forces and put their lives in danger. Hugs.