SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - Update on me

It has been a while since I was able to do much posting other than a brief reply or a "thanks" button, so I thought I would post an update. The past two months or so have been spent taking care of my aunt who was at the end of a two and a half year fight of stage 4 cancer (lung). She lived about three and a half hours away and there were several trips back and forth. The first one was to pick her up and bring her back to MD Anderson for evaluation and possible experimental treatment. We spent a week in a hotel close to the Medical Center and she was is good spirits although the end of the fight was apparent. She was not a candidate for anything other than a recommendation for a different Chemo that she had not been on. Anyway, long story short she passed away on Nov 14. I was her primary care giver (hospice was involved, but not "on-site"). She passed very peacefully and without a lot of the drama that some have. I loved her very much and she was like a 2nd mom to me for the past 28 years. We became close during my own mothers death in 1985 (from cancer) and I moved to be with her shortly after my own mother passed.

One thing that I have rediscovered in myself going through all this - is my STRENGTH. I still have it. My resolve is slowly returning with this discovery.

Things I have had to do this past three month period have been just like it used to be for me when I was single and fully dependent on myself.

- I had a blow out (tire) on one of the trips. Luckily it was on one of the trips over and not while I had my aunt with me. I called roadside assistance and after waiting for over two hours - decided that I can change a tire on my own. I did! I "knew' I could, but since I pay for roadside assistance thought, why not and tried them and sat waiting. BS! I had also just had it into the tire shop to get one tire replaced (that I knew needed it) and had ask them to check all other tires to make sure they were "safe".

- I found a mechanics shop. I purchased a new(er) vehicle earlier this year because I needed a more reliable car to get back and forth. It needed some maintenance and the fan (heater/AC) went out. My less than dependable rAH, who is a fricking mechanic (his JOB), refuses to "take" care of the vehicles. He rants and raves "how much he saves us" by doing the labor, but consistently does not do things that need to get done. I needed to make sure that the vehicle was in good working order so that when I had her with me I would not risk anything happening. (Boy did he blow a gasket on that - but that is whole other story).

- I CAN drive in/around the big city without fear and anxiety (well only a little). I used to do this all the time (b4rAH). Not sure why or how that ever became an issue, but I think it was/is a control issue with rAH (again, a whole other post).

- I found out that I can still trust myself, my decisions and my logic.

- I found I really missed my volunteering when I couldn't be there. Kids/people with special needs and horses really does do wonders for the soul.

- I could and can walk away from everything here (except my cat) and make it. Nothing here matters that much to me (except my cat). I would be sad for somethings, but I would survive.

- I found that not dealing with addiction on a daily basis will actually clear your head. Pretty sad when you think of it as I was "away" dealing with a dying loved one and found that easier and less stressful than dealing with rAH.

- I have discovered that rAH has (or rapidly approaching) a new addiction. He is now gambling. When he was drinking he would occasionally buy a lottery ticket or lotto ticket. That has now escalated to on-line gambling. Now that, to some, may not seem to be a big deal, but just yesterday he actually left the house saying "I NEED to go get a lottery ticket" and came back with about $50 of them. The "need" reminded me so much of when he would say he "needed" a beer. There continues to be other red flags.

rAH is still attending his lunch AA meetings (as best I can tell). Maybe not everyday, but I don't ask, but he often volunteers that he didn't go for this/that reason. He has missed (several) relapse prevention and aftercare programs (where he went for detox/rehab). I am at the point where I just don't care anymore. The only things that **** me off about it, is it screws with "my" time alone in the house and the "excuses" - for example, Tuesday night (last) he usually goes straight from work to his relapse prevention meetings and he just showed up at the house, I was upstairs changing from work when he got home and he scared the crap out of me (just didn't expect him or anyone to walk through the front door). When I asked - he said "Oh, well I was almost home when I remembered" - WTH? How do you "forget" your program when you are trying to recover - but whatever - lol.

Anyway, next thing for me to do is meet with an attorney. I tried to make an appointment about a month ago and then got the call to go to my aunts. Am I sad, yes. Am I happy, not yet, but getting there. I think I am also battling a bit of depression also, but just plugging along and faking it 'till I feel it.

Thank you all for being here. It is sometimes hard for me to "share" and I am not a big poster, but this place means a lot to me as do all of you.