coolchick

OMG!!!!

So out of the blue an offer from RAH as I am putting up the outdoor Christmas lights “Would you like me to help you?”

I almost fall over from shock (because I have always done them all by myself although he did take them down last year for the first time.) I say Yes, that would be great.

I’m just starting to unroll the lights and figure out the cords.

From RAH: It would be better if you - oh never mind.

Me: (stupidly) What?

RAH: Well, if you just – oh nothing.

ME: (Even more stupidly) What would be better?

At which point he tells me that if I had put away each light cord separately then I wouldn’t have to spend time untangling them. I remind him that he is the one who took the lights down last year and I do always unhook each strand and roll it separately and they are tangled because of the way he put them away.

RAH: See – you always need to argue.

Me: What? I’m just telling you what happened.

RAH: You are so angry all the time – this is why we can never do anything together.

And proceeds to go in the house leaving me to put up the lights by myself.

I am still so stupid – believing we can do things normal people do. I see my daughter and her spouse talk about things and discuss them and I am tense waiting for one of them to get mad and/or leave but they never do. They just discuss and come to a conclusion. And they don’t always agree but no one stomps away or makes the other one feel like crap.

First I wanted to cry, and then I wanted to scream, and then I decided to just go and write it down and send it out to SR because it always makes me feel better.

ARGHHH!!!!!!

AnvilheadII

sigh. oh well, I bet the lights look awesome when you get them up!!! who needs mr stuffy pants? I really do hear you tho.

suki44883

They're just precious, aren't they?

BoxinRotz

I just wanna pinch his face off! lol

jaynie04

Superintendent's Corner: Apology Letter- Christmas Humor

My sister in law sent this to me last year and I thought of it when I read your post.

dandylion

cookChick---I understand that kind of anger.....like your head could explode from the futility
and unreasonableness and the helpless to change it.
It sounds like this sort of dynamic has been going o n for quite some time......
That kind of chronic frustration, inner pain and anger takes a toll on a person psychologically and physically. It can literally change who you are.
What he is actually doing--at least, in this instance is classic and typical alcoholic projecting his feelings on inadequacy onto you. Deflecting and projecting are the favorite quacking tools of the alcoholic.
He feels bad about himself--and YOU get to be the victim!!!
I don't know how long he has been sober (RAH)---but, I sure sounds like he is n ot yet into recovery. (sober and recovering are NOT the same things). Some lcoholics get sober---but never recover. Never recover from the attitudes and screwed up alcoholic thinking.

I am sorry that your light hanging was ruined. That just sucks.

dandylion

coolchick

Ha! Mr. Stuffypants! And yes so precious! And yes, I want to pinch his smug little face too!!

Oh thank you - I knew you would make me feel better!

Back to the lights!

xo

teresasue

i like the phrase Mr stuffy pants! Oh soo true.
They seem to think in their world , they are always RIGHT!
I wish i had everyone here at SR and have coffee or a group gathering.
We All get it!!!
Hugs going your way and less argh!!!

coolchick

dandylion - you nailed it. He is sober but not too far along in recovery. And yes, we have been doing this dance for years and years.

When he finally got sober (five years ago) it was at the "stop drinking or die" point and he almost did (die). He had encephalopathy pretty bad and had to take lactulose four times a day or the toxins built in his blood and he became more or less like he was when he was drinking.

But he couldn't or wouldn't remember to take it properly and on time so I had to be hyper-vigilant and remind him. So I think my ability to detach kind of was derailed a little because I had to pay such close attention to him taking his meds correctly.

Now he has a new liver and his brain is much improved. It helps me so much to read everything on here and to realize I need to work MY program a lot more too.

And my light-putting-up is NOT ruined - I am able to let these things roll off me more easily especially if I can vent about them!

Thanks for the wise words.

lizatola

Well, I can understand. My AH used to make the Christmas lights and decorating so difficult (read: he complained, he whined, it had to be wrapped and unwrapped perfectly or he'd have a fit, etc) that I finally stopped asking him a few years ago.

I think we had the same EXACT argument that you had one year. I have always told AH that I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't with him. So, now I don't bother to engage at all. Makes my life a lot easier. HUGS to yoU!

bird13

hahaha. that is not funny, i understand it is really frustrating.. but i am just laughing at the way you wrote that. i see my relationship in that interaction. one million times over. and at the end i am like... " If I had only not reminded him he took down the lights last year. my fault." lol. Never perfect enough though.


I will also add to this, lol! that I now don't even bother to do anything around the apartment that is fixing, repair, or anything organizing. i can't do it as good as him. so why try. and he will just come and tell me how it should be done. If i say i want to do it a certain way for a reason, im an idiot and he is " rejected. " lol.

Booo

Ok me needs more meetings!
I had a Techie issue with my AH..and mind you he's sober way more than drunk.
Being his area is techie-ness I asked a few times a week for the last six weeks to please do "this" for me (to save 200 a month) a few more times I asked for good measure, and it made me feel like a complete nag, so the heck with it. I did it myself...
and we ended up without Internet for three days.
"If you just would have ASKED me" he said. HA

We have been missing a light fixture for well over a month now. It ON!Y needed to be re screwed in, that is IT. Over the head work which I don't like, A MONTH, and I ask and I ask and I ask. "We are missing a screw" . He says, I find the screw. "please, can you do this?" " Yes...tomorrow"
Two more weeks of tomorrows pass.

I swear to you a five minute job and I don't want to steal his masculinity by doing EVERYTHING

so earlier this week, I am on a holy tear of cleaning. Whoa does my entire house shine!
I decide I am going to grab the step stool and fix the fixture.
Aaaaaan, I drop it.
"Well, he says again" if you would just ASK me.

I had no clue this was a sign of acting superior, I thought he was just lazy and resentful and stubborn.
The things I learn on this threads!
Excuse the highjack!
Thanks for your story!

BookNerd

Coolchick, your post made me groan. I understand oh, so well. The insanity.

Hugs to you.

hopeful4

Ahh yes...i get it. We just put up outsidelights. Mr genius hung them w out checking them first...,duh...,so had to take those down now the others are up and after a week of sober i can see hes been drinking today. I hate the way that makes me feel, horrible. O well..going to carry on....wish things were different but they are not.

wolfpackfan45

My husband isn't even an alcoholic and i love this nightmare with him constantly.

LindaLou

Oh Jaynie - thank you so much - LMAO! Still giggling!

neferkamichael

Coolchick, rootin for ya!