Sweetheart
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Sweetheart
Ok I am banging my head OFF a brick wall,my ex is in rehab,in week five of approx. 13 weeks,he asked could he phone me once a week after week three.
spoke to him last week and he asked would I visit,said I would think about it,but he had to understand we were finished,said he accepts that we are finished.
Last night he called me sweetheart,apparently he prays for me and my daughter every night,he is not religious.asked again would I visit,i said I wasn't sure yet,apparently he cannot wait to see me across the courtyard and get a big hug ,bear in mind the last two months here,we were not talking to each other.
wish I could live in his fantasy land.
spoke to him last week and he asked would I visit,said I would think about it,but he had to understand we were finished,said he accepts that we are finished.
Last night he called me sweetheart,apparently he prays for me and my daughter every night,he is not religious.asked again would I visit,i said I wasn't sure yet,apparently he cannot wait to see me across the courtyard and get a big hug ,bear in mind the last two months here,we were not talking to each other.
wish I could live in his fantasy land.
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Well, I suppose the praying is good stuff, if he is in something like a 12 step type program.
If so, maybe encourage him to some along the lines of the 11th Step type prayers --
"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."
That is more about him and Much Less about you.
As far as the rest. I suppose there are worse things than someone being in love with you . . . or their fantasy, huh?
If so, maybe encourage him to some along the lines of the 11th Step type prayers --
"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."
That is more about him and Much Less about you.
As far as the rest. I suppose there are worse things than someone being in love with you . . . or their fantasy, huh?
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Originally Posted by Hammer 
Well, I suppose the praying is good stuff, if he is in something like a 12 step type program.
If so, maybe encourage him to some along the lines of the 11th Step type prayers --
"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."
That is more about him and Much Less about you.
As far as the rest. I suppose there are worse things than someone being in love with you . . . or their fantasy, huh?
If so, maybe encourage him to some along the lines of the 11th Step type prayers --
"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."
That is more about him and Much Less about you.
As far as the rest. I suppose there are worse things than someone being in love with you . . . or their fantasy, huh?
Then again,i don't do much talking on the phone,i don't see him as part of my life now,so don't see the need to share with him,after all he wasn't interested when we were together.
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Hi getthere;
I can understand perfectly why you would be angry about his sudden warming / fantasy we can get back together stuff.
Drunks just don't get that the harm they've caused doesn't just vanish when they get sober. I grew up with it, and later in my turn I did it to my husband, so I know this story pretty darn well.
It is no longer about him unless you let it be and buy into this new story he is trying to create despite two months of not speaking beforehand.
I think focus on your own recovery and let him just work on himself.
You do not have to feel guilty about anything, including a very healthy decision to not go see him if you are angry or don't want him to think there is still a chance he can come back into your life.
Be strong now while he is away and has support to deal with it, and you have some space also.
You deserve to heal, and recovery for alcoholics after rehab really has to be about themselves so much I worry that you might get lost again.
I wish both of you the best.
I can understand perfectly why you would be angry about his sudden warming / fantasy we can get back together stuff.
Drunks just don't get that the harm they've caused doesn't just vanish when they get sober. I grew up with it, and later in my turn I did it to my husband, so I know this story pretty darn well.
It is no longer about him unless you let it be and buy into this new story he is trying to create despite two months of not speaking beforehand.
I think focus on your own recovery and let him just work on himself.
You do not have to feel guilty about anything, including a very healthy decision to not go see him if you are angry or don't want him to think there is still a chance he can come back into your life.
Be strong now while he is away and has support to deal with it, and you have some space also.
You deserve to heal, and recovery for alcoholics after rehab really has to be about themselves so much I worry that you might get lost again.
I wish both of you the best.
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Hi getthere;
I can understand perfectly why you would be angry about his sudden warming / fantasy we can get back together stuff.
Drunks just don't get that the harm they've caused doesn't just vanish when they get sober. I grew up with it, and later in my turn I did it to my husband, so I know this story pretty darn well.
It is no longer about him unless you let it be and buy into this new story he is trying to create despite two months of not speaking beforehand.
I think focus on your own recovery and let him just work on himself.
You do not have to feel guilty about anything, including a very healthy decision to not go see him if you are angry or don't want him to think there is still a chance he can come back into your life.
Be strong now while he is away and has support to deal with it, and you have some space also.
You deserve to heal, and recovery for alcoholics after rehab really has to be about themselves so much I worry that you might get lost again.
I wish both of you the best.
I can understand perfectly why you would be angry about his sudden warming / fantasy we can get back together stuff.
Drunks just don't get that the harm they've caused doesn't just vanish when they get sober. I grew up with it, and later in my turn I did it to my husband, so I know this story pretty darn well.
It is no longer about him unless you let it be and buy into this new story he is trying to create despite two months of not speaking beforehand.
I think focus on your own recovery and let him just work on himself.
You do not have to feel guilty about anything, including a very healthy decision to not go see him if you are angry or don't want him to think there is still a chance he can come back into your life.
Be strong now while he is away and has support to deal with it, and you have some space also.
You deserve to heal, and recovery for alcoholics after rehab really has to be about themselves so much I worry that you might get lost again.
I wish both of you the best.
Believe me I AM ANGRY,and he knows it.he also knows when I make a decision that its made.
When he phoned last night,the rehab name showed on my phone,but I thought it was one of staff phoning me,didnt sound like him at all.
I have just over another two months while he is in rehab to get my head sorted,he is NOT under any circumstances coming back here.
I am glad he is there for xmas,as I intend to enjoy xmas with my three adult children,who will be here from 23rd December.
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Speaking from the other side of things (if that's ok), my ex broke up with me right before I went to rehab.
In treatment, I became very aware of all of the pain that I had caused her, as well as everyone else in my life. Through this self-reflection, I was able to see that she made the best decision for herself to move on and I accepted that there was no chance at reconciliation. But I still tried to talk to her on the phone, just to let her know I was beginning to understand how she felt. She was having none of that and refused my calls. While it definitely hurt at the time, I certainly don't blame her now.
I had also never prayed before I went to rehab, but it was suggested I do so, and I continue to do so today. I pray for her and everyone else I've hurt that they may find peace and happiness.
But I did not call her sweetheart in the few messages I left on her voicemail or the letter I wrote her. I did not invite her to see me because she clearly was not interested.
Just remember, you are under no obligation to speak to him or visit him. That is for you to decide. He may be feeling lonely (I know I did; it felt like everyone else had the support of the significant others and I was all alone), but that's not your problem. You are absolutely right. He has his counselors and fellow patients to talk to. You do not have to be his crutch to the outside world.
I feel that I am better off now because my ex took a hard line and made it clear she was not available to me during my rehab. It made it easier to focus on myself and my issues. And when I got out of treatment, I was able to continue working on myself through AA. And again, I have no hard feelings towards her at all now, 8 months later. I just hope she is doing ok and is happy.
In treatment, I became very aware of all of the pain that I had caused her, as well as everyone else in my life. Through this self-reflection, I was able to see that she made the best decision for herself to move on and I accepted that there was no chance at reconciliation. But I still tried to talk to her on the phone, just to let her know I was beginning to understand how she felt. She was having none of that and refused my calls. While it definitely hurt at the time, I certainly don't blame her now.
I had also never prayed before I went to rehab, but it was suggested I do so, and I continue to do so today. I pray for her and everyone else I've hurt that they may find peace and happiness.
But I did not call her sweetheart in the few messages I left on her voicemail or the letter I wrote her. I did not invite her to see me because she clearly was not interested.
Just remember, you are under no obligation to speak to him or visit him. That is for you to decide. He may be feeling lonely (I know I did; it felt like everyone else had the support of the significant others and I was all alone), but that's not your problem. You are absolutely right. He has his counselors and fellow patients to talk to. You do not have to be his crutch to the outside world.
I feel that I am better off now because my ex took a hard line and made it clear she was not available to me during my rehab. It made it easier to focus on myself and my issues. And when I got out of treatment, I was able to continue working on myself through AA. And again, I have no hard feelings towards her at all now, 8 months later. I just hope she is doing ok and is happy.
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Sounds like if he goes thru recovery and quits that he thinks that you to will get back together. I would maybe continue to support him over the phone reminding him that you to are done but not visit him. That may confuse him even though you ensure that there is no longer a future for you to and then when he gets out and it truly hits him that there is no more relationship he may use that as an excuse to go back and ruin his sobriety.
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Originally Posted by digdug
Speaking from the other side of things (if that's ok), my ex broke up with me right before I went to rehab.
In treatment, I became very aware of all of the pain that I had caused her, as well as everyone else in my life. Through this self-reflection, I was able to see that she made the best decision for herself to move on and I accepted that there was no chance at reconciliation. But I still tried to talk to her on the phone, just to let her know I was beginning to understand how she felt. She was having none of that and refused my calls. While it definitely hurt at the time, I certainly don't blame her now.
I had also never prayed before I went to rehab, but it was suggested I do so, and I continue to do so today. I pray for her and everyone else I've hurt that they may find peace and happiness.
But I did not call her sweetheart in the few messages I left on her voicemail or the letter I wrote her. I did not invite her to see me because she clearly was not interested.
Just remember, you are under no obligation to speak to him or visit him. That is for you to decide. He may be feeling lonely (I know I did; it felt like everyone else had the support of the significant others and I was all alone), but that's not your problem. You are absolutely right. He has his counselors and fellow patients to talk to. You do not have to be his crutch to the outside world.
I feel that I am better off now because my ex took a hard line and made it clear she was not available to me during my rehab. It made it easier to focus on myself and my issues. And when I got out of treatment, I was able to continue working on myself through AA. And again, I have no hard feelings towards her at all now, 8 months later. I just hope she is doing ok and is happy.
In treatment, I became very aware of all of the pain that I had caused her, as well as everyone else in my life. Through this self-reflection, I was able to see that she made the best decision for herself to move on and I accepted that there was no chance at reconciliation. But I still tried to talk to her on the phone, just to let her know I was beginning to understand how she felt. She was having none of that and refused my calls. While it definitely hurt at the time, I certainly don't blame her now.
I had also never prayed before I went to rehab, but it was suggested I do so, and I continue to do so today. I pray for her and everyone else I've hurt that they may find peace and happiness.
But I did not call her sweetheart in the few messages I left on her voicemail or the letter I wrote her. I did not invite her to see me because she clearly was not interested.
Just remember, you are under no obligation to speak to him or visit him. That is for you to decide. He may be feeling lonely (I know I did; it felt like everyone else had the support of the significant others and I was all alone), but that's not your problem. You are absolutely right. He has his counselors and fellow patients to talk to. You do not have to be his crutch to the outside world.
I feel that I am better off now because my ex took a hard line and made it clear she was not available to me during my rehab. It made it easier to focus on myself and my issues. And when I got out of treatment, I was able to continue working on myself through AA. And again, I have no hard feelings towards her at all now, 8 months later. I just hope she is doing ok and is happy.
If I hadn't ended it,he would NOT have entered rehab,god only knows where he would be now.
Speaking to him,he does finally seem to get what he did,he was never violent thankfully.I really do want the best for him,i want him to recover ,I want him to clear his massive debts,get a job,and settle somewhere,and not be lonely.
My late husband,also an alcoholic,died on a beach alone,just before xmas,he had no one to talk to,i have said I have no problem talking to ex,or seeing him,but as long as he knows its not to work on US.Maybe I need to be harder like your ex for his benefit,
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Have you considered going No Contact with him? If he truly doesn't get it that you are done, then maybe it is better to offer no encouragement (even if it is only his perception, i.e., if he perceives your continued contact as evidence you don't REALLY want to end things)? It may hurt him, but he is no better place than rehab to deal with it responsibly. It seems to me that all you are getting out of continuing to engage with him is more stress.
I know his family and your friends have encouraged this continued form of "support" but if it isn't working for you, then you don't have to do it. He will recover or to despite anything you do or don't do; neither you nor your friends nor his family have any power over that outcome.
I know his family and your friends have encouraged this continued form of "support" but if it isn't working for you, then you don't have to do it. He will recover or to despite anything you do or don't do; neither you nor your friends nor his family have any power over that outcome.
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Even if he does accept that it's truly over, by you continuing to talk to him, it may take the focus off his own recovery and put it on you. Trust me when I say that there is plenty of support for him already in rehab, no matter how lonely he says he feels. If there wasn't ample support in rehab, then I wouldn't be sober today. Rehab is lonely for everyone, even those who have been married for years. It is lonely because you are forced to realize that in order to recover, you must lose the thing that is most important to you, alcohol.
I know you want the best for him. But his happiness and obligations are for him to achieve and fulfill.
I saw my ex a couple of months ago for the first time since I got out of rehab back in April. I was with my sponsor in the park and she happened to walk by. Do you know what she said to me? "I'm glad you're continuing to get the help you need." Honestly, that was all I really needed to hear. I haven't talked to her since. I know now she's doing ok.
I know you want the best for him. But his happiness and obligations are for him to achieve and fulfill.
I saw my ex a couple of months ago for the first time since I got out of rehab back in April. I was with my sponsor in the park and she happened to walk by. Do you know what she said to me? "I'm glad you're continuing to get the help you need." Honestly, that was all I really needed to hear. I haven't talked to her since. I know now she's doing ok.
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This is the time to make it all about YOU not him or his rehab, you having nothing at all to do with that - that's all on him.
You need to figure out what you really want then stick to that decision. Going to visit him when he asks, taking his calls - may be giving him false hope that things will work out between you.
Much like when they were drinking and would say "yes I know I have a problem and someday will address it". Now he's saying "yes I know it's over between us but can you still come here, can you still talk to me". That old ACCEPTANCE just isn't there.
AWARENESS, ACCEPTANCE, ACTION
They have to come in that order, most of all of us do the awareness then the action only to continue ill patterns because we have not accepted.
You need to figure out what you really want then stick to that decision. Going to visit him when he asks, taking his calls - may be giving him false hope that things will work out between you.
Much like when they were drinking and would say "yes I know I have a problem and someday will address it". Now he's saying "yes I know it's over between us but can you still come here, can you still talk to me". That old ACCEPTANCE just isn't there.
AWARENESS, ACCEPTANCE, ACTION
They have to come in that order, most of all of us do the awareness then the action only to continue ill patterns because we have not accepted.
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