I'm new here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Grande Prairie AB
Posts: 6
I'm new here
Hi all,
I've been on these forums for the last month reading all of your stories and waiting to get the courage to post.
Firstly, I don't know if I am even on the correct boards. My bf has issues with alcohol and drugs. TBH, my bf doesn't drink or use everyday. His drinking occurs about 3 or more times a week. As soon as he pours that first rye and coke I know that I'm in for a long, stressful night. I'd say 75% of the time he will drink till he blacks out. Other times, if he is drinking with his friends, the drinking turns into use of cocaine and crack cocaine.
I'm to the point where I am sick with anxiety all the time. Most people look forward to weekends, where I stress and try and make plans with my bf so he doesn't make any other plans that include drinking. Rarely, does it even work.
The other night he went to go and play pool with some friends. I was up all night, and knocking on his friends door at 8am looking for him. Well a girl answered and from what I seen they were all having a hottub/cocaine party. I seen my bf, he was definitely high and he told me to leave and basically pushed me out the door. He didn't get home until a few hours later, and even then he was high. He ended up waking me up later in the day when he sobered up and was crying (this being the first time seeing this behaviour) and telling me he's so anxious and he's scared of losing me. I think a big part of this was him coming down off of crack cocaine because I rarely see any sort of emotion from him afterwards.
The thing that threw me for a loop was him expressing the want of getting some help. I don't think he realizes that for him the stop the drugs he needs to stop the drinking. It was almost a sense of relief to hear those words. It has been a long 4 years for me.
I have been riddled with stress, anxiety and I feel like I have aged 10 years. I love him very much, and I've tried to be supportive to him. Lately, I have so much resentment towards him. I yell, scream, throw things and call him names. This coming from someone that has always been caring and nurturing towards other people. I haven't been able to hold a job in 2 years because of the anxiety. I'm a shell of my former self. I just want him to get better.
So, with that I am hopeful that maybe he will actually get the help he needs. Maybe he has finally realized his situation. Or maybe I am being naive? Would he benefit more from AA or NA? Thank you for reading my long rant. I could've gone on more, but we all know how it goes. If anybody has any advice I would love to hear it.
I've been on these forums for the last month reading all of your stories and waiting to get the courage to post.
Firstly, I don't know if I am even on the correct boards. My bf has issues with alcohol and drugs. TBH, my bf doesn't drink or use everyday. His drinking occurs about 3 or more times a week. As soon as he pours that first rye and coke I know that I'm in for a long, stressful night. I'd say 75% of the time he will drink till he blacks out. Other times, if he is drinking with his friends, the drinking turns into use of cocaine and crack cocaine.
I'm to the point where I am sick with anxiety all the time. Most people look forward to weekends, where I stress and try and make plans with my bf so he doesn't make any other plans that include drinking. Rarely, does it even work.
The other night he went to go and play pool with some friends. I was up all night, and knocking on his friends door at 8am looking for him. Well a girl answered and from what I seen they were all having a hottub/cocaine party. I seen my bf, he was definitely high and he told me to leave and basically pushed me out the door. He didn't get home until a few hours later, and even then he was high. He ended up waking me up later in the day when he sobered up and was crying (this being the first time seeing this behaviour) and telling me he's so anxious and he's scared of losing me. I think a big part of this was him coming down off of crack cocaine because I rarely see any sort of emotion from him afterwards.
The thing that threw me for a loop was him expressing the want of getting some help. I don't think he realizes that for him the stop the drugs he needs to stop the drinking. It was almost a sense of relief to hear those words. It has been a long 4 years for me.
I have been riddled with stress, anxiety and I feel like I have aged 10 years. I love him very much, and I've tried to be supportive to him. Lately, I have so much resentment towards him. I yell, scream, throw things and call him names. This coming from someone that has always been caring and nurturing towards other people. I haven't been able to hold a job in 2 years because of the anxiety. I'm a shell of my former self. I just want him to get better.
So, with that I am hopeful that maybe he will actually get the help he needs. Maybe he has finally realized his situation. Or maybe I am being naive? Would he benefit more from AA or NA? Thank you for reading my long rant. I could've gone on more, but we all know how it goes. If anybody has any advice I would love to hear it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Kiki, welcome to Sober Recovery. You have found a safe place with many people who love people who are addicted to alcohol and/or drugs. You will find great support here, and great wisdom, and from people who have lived through what you are living through.
The first thing that people usually say to newcomers here at Friends and Family about their addicted loved one is:
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it, and
You can't cure it.
That may sound like tough love, and perhaps it is, but it is ultimately very freeing. Our alcoholic partners are adults, and they are free to choose to live anyway they want to, even if we think it is wrong or destructive.
The reason that is so important to understand is because only the alcoholic/addict can truly choose sobriety for themselves. No one else can do it. It is a tough path to sobriety, and if they don't commit themselves for themselves, they won't make it through the hard parts.
So that leaves us, as partners, to figure out and live our own lives. For me, as for many partners/family members of alcoholics, that was a new idea. My life had been focused on my AH of 20 years and what he needed, what he wanted, "solving" his problems. From my experience, over time we slip quietly out of living our own lives and get drawn in deeper and deeper to focusing on the chaos and destruction they bring into our lives.
And gradually I lost my sense of self, I lost my autonomy, I forgot what my life could be and I became kind of a satellite of him. This sounds like what you are talking about. One of the questions I had to ask myself was "whose life do I want to live?"
His life, his choice, his determination to drink as he wanted when he wanted no matter how emotionally and verbally abusive he became to me? Or my own life where I could live in emotional peace, in calm, in safety.
For me the turning point was sudden, and I fled, literally, when my credit card Fraud Squad called me on the 4th of July 2012 and told me my AH had charged $1200 for porn and porn women on MY credit card. I left the house quietly with my little dog, a suitcase, bought a GPS and never went back. I guess I literally decided I had to find my own way to survive.
If you haven't found the "stickies", long term threads about topics of universal interest, they are at the top of the index page for the SR forum Friends and Families of Alcoholics. You probably would also find the SR forum Friends and Families of Substance Abusers useful, and it has stickies, too. You can post on any of the SR forums, and you can post as often as you want and need to.
Welcome, and so sorry for the reason you are here. People will be along to post responses, perhaps more slowly than usual because it is Thanksgiving.
ShootingStar1
The first thing that people usually say to newcomers here at Friends and Family about their addicted loved one is:
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it, and
You can't cure it.
That may sound like tough love, and perhaps it is, but it is ultimately very freeing. Our alcoholic partners are adults, and they are free to choose to live anyway they want to, even if we think it is wrong or destructive.
The reason that is so important to understand is because only the alcoholic/addict can truly choose sobriety for themselves. No one else can do it. It is a tough path to sobriety, and if they don't commit themselves for themselves, they won't make it through the hard parts.
So that leaves us, as partners, to figure out and live our own lives. For me, as for many partners/family members of alcoholics, that was a new idea. My life had been focused on my AH of 20 years and what he needed, what he wanted, "solving" his problems. From my experience, over time we slip quietly out of living our own lives and get drawn in deeper and deeper to focusing on the chaos and destruction they bring into our lives.
And gradually I lost my sense of self, I lost my autonomy, I forgot what my life could be and I became kind of a satellite of him. This sounds like what you are talking about. One of the questions I had to ask myself was "whose life do I want to live?"
His life, his choice, his determination to drink as he wanted when he wanted no matter how emotionally and verbally abusive he became to me? Or my own life where I could live in emotional peace, in calm, in safety.
For me the turning point was sudden, and I fled, literally, when my credit card Fraud Squad called me on the 4th of July 2012 and told me my AH had charged $1200 for porn and porn women on MY credit card. I left the house quietly with my little dog, a suitcase, bought a GPS and never went back. I guess I literally decided I had to find my own way to survive.
If you haven't found the "stickies", long term threads about topics of universal interest, they are at the top of the index page for the SR forum Friends and Families of Alcoholics. You probably would also find the SR forum Friends and Families of Substance Abusers useful, and it has stickies, too. You can post on any of the SR forums, and you can post as often as you want and need to.
Welcome, and so sorry for the reason you are here. People will be along to post responses, perhaps more slowly than usual because it is Thanksgiving.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Until his words match his action, he's going to be a coked out crack addicted alcoholic.
You want to sit around anxiety ridden til he decides he's had enough? You willing to waste years of your life?
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You don't have to though.
You want to sit around anxiety ridden til he decides he's had enough? You willing to waste years of your life?
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You don't have to though.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi Kiki, welcome to SR. ShootingStar1 gave you some great advice. The only thing I will recommend is not to jump on the hope wagon too quickly. A's will say whatever they think you want to hear, sometimes they even mean it for a little while.
So, pay attention to his actions and not his words. Actions are words that have taken hold, otherwise they are just words with no meaning.
Your friend,
So, pay attention to his actions and not his words. Actions are words that have taken hold, otherwise they are just words with no meaning.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
What if you hadn't caught him at the cocaine/hot tub party? Do you think he would be so contrite?
Until his actions match his words, this is meaningless. I know, I am an alkie and I did this for years until I decided to get well for me.
Until his actions match his words, this is meaningless. I know, I am an alkie and I did this for years until I decided to get well for me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 156
I am so glad I read this post before I signed off. I have the same situation as you too. boyfriend drank 3 nights a week and same situation with nights turning into cocaine use with friends and daily pot smoking alone. I will tell you that it got much worse, now drinking five nights a week. and alone on the holiday.. drinking!
Also did the whole party search for him for eight hours. Dealt with the same behavior the next day. The crying, and promising to change. I wish I had left on that day after that particular binge because he didn't get sober like he said he wanted to and I have heard it now three or four times. We have been together a long time, as you guys have.
Nothing will change until he is sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time, or some organ fails, or he has an accident. Some type of crisis. That is not a crisis. that is just coming off drugs and him needing to hook you into staying and not leaving him.
This was my experience anyway. I quit trying to help him so much finally and started living my life, enjoying my weekend without him with friends, and seeing him as just an addict. Not really my boyfriend. The advice here is right. Don't jump on the hope wagon so fast. it hurts when it doesnt happen. Goodluck to you stay strong and do good things for you.
Also did the whole party search for him for eight hours. Dealt with the same behavior the next day. The crying, and promising to change. I wish I had left on that day after that particular binge because he didn't get sober like he said he wanted to and I have heard it now three or four times. We have been together a long time, as you guys have.
Nothing will change until he is sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time, or some organ fails, or he has an accident. Some type of crisis. That is not a crisis. that is just coming off drugs and him needing to hook you into staying and not leaving him.
This was my experience anyway. I quit trying to help him so much finally and started living my life, enjoying my weekend without him with friends, and seeing him as just an addict. Not really my boyfriend. The advice here is right. Don't jump on the hope wagon so fast. it hurts when it doesnt happen. Goodluck to you stay strong and do good things for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by wiscsober 
Certainly he would be helped by joining AA/NA and then working the steps.
You may consider the same with Alanon or Naranon. My concern more lies with you.
You may consider the same with Alanon or Naranon. My concern more lies with you.
As others have said, YOU can't make him want recovery. All you can do is step back, detach, and take care of yourself. Reading as much as you can here (and don't miss the stickies, as mentioned in another post) is an excellent way to educate yourself about addiction and what you can expect from your addict. Alan and NarAnon would both be good choices for some real-world support for yourself as well as more education. Right now you need to learn what you're up against; once you have a clear picture of that, you'll start to see your path in front of you.
Again, untreated addiction is not going to go away of it's own accord. It will only get worse and worse. Unless you're willing to live this way forever, you do need to come to terms with that fact and start doing what you can do for yourself. HIS issues are HIS. Nothing you do or say will help or hinder him as regards sobriety/recovery.
Wishing you clarity and strength.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I haven't been able to hold a job in 2 years because of the anxiety. I'm a shell of my former self. I just want him to get better.
shouldn't that read....I just want ME to get better?
i'm a former crack addict. sounds like he's in deep but still having way too much "fun" - too much of a hook. I doubt that hottub party was innocent....even if you took the drugs out of the picture, what in the hell was you BF doing leaving you at home and hanging in a hottub with other women???? is that acceptable to you?
the morning after is always filled with dread and remorse. everybody hates it, everybody says oh god I can't keep doing this. til a couple days later, once healed up a bit, and away they go again. vicious cycle.
he will have to figure it out for himself. instead of worrying about what might be the best avenue for him to get better, ask what is the best avenue for YOU to get better? cuz you stand a far better chance.
shouldn't that read....I just want ME to get better?
i'm a former crack addict. sounds like he's in deep but still having way too much "fun" - too much of a hook. I doubt that hottub party was innocent....even if you took the drugs out of the picture, what in the hell was you BF doing leaving you at home and hanging in a hottub with other women???? is that acceptable to you?
the morning after is always filled with dread and remorse. everybody hates it, everybody says oh god I can't keep doing this. til a couple days later, once healed up a bit, and away they go again. vicious cycle.
he will have to figure it out for himself. instead of worrying about what might be the best avenue for him to get better, ask what is the best avenue for YOU to get better? cuz you stand a far better chance.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I haven't been able to hold a job in 2 years because of the anxiety. I'm a shell of my former self. I just want him to get better.
So basically you've been w/this guy for X years, have become more and more stressed out b/c of his behavior, and for the past 2 years you haven't been able to even hold a job b/c you are so anxious? How are you getting by financially? It doesn't sound as if HE'S any kind of reliable breadwinner...
And in those years, you have pretty much lost interest in or energy for anything other than chasing this addict around, worrying yourself sick over where he is and if/when he's coming home? As gently as possible, does this sound like a normal life to you? If a friend told you they were living like this, would you think it was OK or would you ask her wtf she's doing to herself, putting up w/that? Why would you accept this kind of life for yourself? You are a person in your own right with needs and feelings, not just an "appendage" to this addict who doesn't care about anything but his addiction.
Yes, you DO need help, ASAP. Please, please get to Alanon, NarAnon, counseling, whatever, and run, do NOT walk! You have given this addict complete control of your life, heart and mind, and it's clearly doing awful things to you. You can take that control back, but it will be a tough fight. All of SR is here for you, but please look for some resources in the real world also.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Your story takes me back, kiki. If I had known then what I know now...
I'm so glad you have found SR. You are in the right place. My xah was a binge drinker. I remember his sobs and remorse one day after I had fished him out of a bar the night before, sloppy drunk and on the dance floor face-to-face with a woman 20+ years older than him. More of the same another time after I found him in a hotel room partying with one buddy and a bunch of others I had never met.
The sobs and remorse and pleas for help only lasted as long as his hangover and feeling the shame of being caught. Remorse and shame, while they are real for the A, are stuffed away as soon as the A starts planning planning or obsessing over the next drunk or high. Addiction is a powerful beast, one that you or I have no control over when it is living inside someone else.
And it doesn't have anything to do with you. None of it is your fault. It doesn't matter how much you love each other. His choices will only change when he decides he has had enough. He may make that decision, he may never make that decision. It's up to him. But until you see action that matches his words, you can be sure that he isn't ready.
You sound like you are reaching that point where you have had enough and are ready to help yourself. That's a great sign. Keep reading here, keep posting, ask a lot of questions, educate yourself about the illness of addiction. You will find a lot of support here. SR was my lifeline a few years ago when I found myself with another addict/alcoholic. Welcome...we care about you!
I'm so glad you have found SR. You are in the right place. My xah was a binge drinker. I remember his sobs and remorse one day after I had fished him out of a bar the night before, sloppy drunk and on the dance floor face-to-face with a woman 20+ years older than him. More of the same another time after I found him in a hotel room partying with one buddy and a bunch of others I had never met.
The sobs and remorse and pleas for help only lasted as long as his hangover and feeling the shame of being caught. Remorse and shame, while they are real for the A, are stuffed away as soon as the A starts planning planning or obsessing over the next drunk or high. Addiction is a powerful beast, one that you or I have no control over when it is living inside someone else.
And it doesn't have anything to do with you. None of it is your fault. It doesn't matter how much you love each other. His choices will only change when he decides he has had enough. He may make that decision, he may never make that decision. It's up to him. But until you see action that matches his words, you can be sure that he isn't ready.
You sound like you are reaching that point where you have had enough and are ready to help yourself. That's a great sign. Keep reading here, keep posting, ask a lot of questions, educate yourself about the illness of addiction. You will find a lot of support here. SR was my lifeline a few years ago when I found myself with another addict/alcoholic. Welcome...we care about you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Grande Prairie AB
Posts: 6
Thank you all for your advice and kind words. It brings such relief to be able to vent my worries and have people understand how I feel. After I read my post, and read your replies and read my post again; I realized how ridiculous some things I said sounded.
As of now, he still hasn't gone to AA or NA. I brought it up once and he gave me a funny look. So I'm guessing that isn't on his mind. I have decided to attend an Alanon meeting, tomorrow night. I know it is something I need. I think the most difficult part of it all is not understanding how someone could be so cruel to someone else they love. How he can make me feel like I am crazy, I'm the one with the issue when it's pretty obvious he has a big big issue.
We live in Northern Alberta we moved here for the opportunity to make some money and be able to get a head in life financially. Sadly for the situation, the constant cash flow is not helping his issue.
I am trying to stay positive, and trying to focus on my well being - it's just difficult to see someone I love make such bad choices.
As of now, he still hasn't gone to AA or NA. I brought it up once and he gave me a funny look. So I'm guessing that isn't on his mind. I have decided to attend an Alanon meeting, tomorrow night. I know it is something I need. I think the most difficult part of it all is not understanding how someone could be so cruel to someone else they love. How he can make me feel like I am crazy, I'm the one with the issue when it's pretty obvious he has a big big issue.
We live in Northern Alberta we moved here for the opportunity to make some money and be able to get a head in life financially. Sadly for the situation, the constant cash flow is not helping his issue.
I am trying to stay positive, and trying to focus on my well being - it's just difficult to see someone I love make such bad choices.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Kiki, I'm so glad you've decided to get to Alanon. I hope you find the acceptance and understanding that can be offered there.
And yes, sometimes once we actually write out our thoughts and experiences, once we look at them from an outside perspective, we start to see just how twisted our thinking and our lives have become. Keeping a journal can be helpful, for just that reason, as can going back and looking at your old posts here once you've been around for a while. It really shows you where you're making progress, and where you need to concentrate more effort.
Again, wishing you a wonderful, helpful, inspiring Alanon meeting tonight, and please do let us know how it goes, OK?
And yes, sometimes once we actually write out our thoughts and experiences, once we look at them from an outside perspective, we start to see just how twisted our thinking and our lives have become. Keeping a journal can be helpful, for just that reason, as can going back and looking at your old posts here once you've been around for a while. It really shows you where you're making progress, and where you need to concentrate more effort.
Again, wishing you a wonderful, helpful, inspiring Alanon meeting tonight, and please do let us know how it goes, OK?
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