Exit strategies
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
Exit strategies
Ok--the house is dry now for I think 9 days? That seems about right, but I'm trying to not count anything anymore. Thanksgiving will be rough as our friends/family of course will have the wine on the table and the bar open and no one is really aware of this condition that my AH suffers with.
We are not close enough and he is a home drinker. A night drinker and a quiet drinker.
Still--Happy Thanksgiving to All. What a horrible thing to be thinking about so early this morning. The what ifs and whens.
Since I am the breadwinner by default it would be farily simple for me to "kick" him out. I'd much rather just leave but it's my house, I work at home, our rescues and fosters, and adoptees, all pets, are here, and no one will take this many dogs, cats and bunnies at a hotel or a rental. There is no way to leave them here.
AH is a freelancer, but i rarely see a dime. What's mine is ours and what's his seems to be always his. It's not much, but it could help.
The conditions we have discusssed, which I have pretty much set down a few months ago and he agreed to are
a) contribute to the finances XX much by XX date, which is within 4 months.
b) don't drink. ever.
So I suppose my exit strategy is not an exit, but a kicking out. I have no idea how to do this if I have to. He's not abusive or a danger, he does not even cuss. He just disapperas (right in front of me) and makes HORRIBLE judgement calls when he's drinking.
Has anyone ever had someone actually agree to terms that have been discussed or is it just a louder round of quacking? He will have to go live with his Mama or live in a room in someones house or in the car. Which is old, and actualy mine. I will happily sign over the pink slip to let him have it.
If anyone has actual experience, I would love to hear it. Well not love to, but I think I need to.
We are not close enough and he is a home drinker. A night drinker and a quiet drinker.
Still--Happy Thanksgiving to All. What a horrible thing to be thinking about so early this morning. The what ifs and whens.
Since I am the breadwinner by default it would be farily simple for me to "kick" him out. I'd much rather just leave but it's my house, I work at home, our rescues and fosters, and adoptees, all pets, are here, and no one will take this many dogs, cats and bunnies at a hotel or a rental. There is no way to leave them here.
AH is a freelancer, but i rarely see a dime. What's mine is ours and what's his seems to be always his. It's not much, but it could help.
The conditions we have discusssed, which I have pretty much set down a few months ago and he agreed to are
a) contribute to the finances XX much by XX date, which is within 4 months.
b) don't drink. ever.
So I suppose my exit strategy is not an exit, but a kicking out. I have no idea how to do this if I have to. He's not abusive or a danger, he does not even cuss. He just disapperas (right in front of me) and makes HORRIBLE judgement calls when he's drinking.
Has anyone ever had someone actually agree to terms that have been discussed or is it just a louder round of quacking? He will have to go live with his Mama or live in a room in someones house or in the car. Which is old, and actualy mine. I will happily sign over the pink slip to let him have it.
If anyone has actual experience, I would love to hear it. Well not love to, but I think I need to.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 274
Oh Boo, I can relate to so much you have put especially with regard to not being able to take or leave the animals behind. I wish I could give advice to you but can't! Have you taken legal advice.
My AH says house is half his but it is in my name
Pension which is in his name is all his!!!
My Pension which I won't get for 3 more years is half his!
I do know legally it is 50/50 given length of our marriage but things are different in the usa.
My options were to leave cats and move to refuge then hope local co9uncil would give me an emergency flat that probably wouldn't allow pets, whilst I forced sale of house. Given AH health problems that could take years because I don't think he would let anyone in. No way could I leave my cats - he wouldn't hurt them but I don't think he would do the litter trays or look after them and I have several oldies who do need checking. He isn't being abusive so I am staying and coping as best as I can.
Do take care= and keep letting us know you are ok
xxx
My AH says house is half his but it is in my name
Pension which is in his name is all his!!!
My Pension which I won't get for 3 more years is half his!
I do know legally it is 50/50 given length of our marriage but things are different in the usa.
My options were to leave cats and move to refuge then hope local co9uncil would give me an emergency flat that probably wouldn't allow pets, whilst I forced sale of house. Given AH health problems that could take years because I don't think he would let anyone in. No way could I leave my cats - he wouldn't hurt them but I don't think he would do the litter trays or look after them and I have several oldies who do need checking. He isn't being abusive so I am staying and coping as best as I can.
Do take care= and keep letting us know you are ok
xxx
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
O Booo....i am sorry. Have you went to an attorney to discuss this? I did a few weeks ago and it made me feel better to know just what im dealing with. My Ah also drinks at home...alone. in my past experience ultimatiums dont work but that is just my situation. I hope you are able to take some of this energy and work on YOU.
BLESSINGS!!!!
BLESSINGS!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
Sorry, in my early posts I identified him as my AH=almost husband, and might as well be husband, but we are not married, so the house really is mine. Makes me sad to think about, we have had a bottle of cooking wine in the fridge and I have resisted not looking at the bottle. Looking for a place for groceries, I moved the bottle, and would you not know....it's about 2 inches down from the last time I looked, which was over a week ago. 2 inches is not a lot of wine, but this is how it starts, did he use it for cooking? I don't know,but I can tell,,his distance was there when I got home, and that is always a red flag. We have been such a great team in incredibly trying circumstances this last week. I'm not asking, not reacting, nothing. I can still do that I think. I must! , but holidays don't bring out the best in everyone, like me. So all hell could break loose on thanksgiving or it just might escalate slowly but surely, again. Breaks my heart.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 109
My AH also drank at home, alone, or in his office. He was hiding it too. If you checked the cooking wine, it's probably 90% water. Not a pleasant thing to do, but it's likely. I didn't realize how desperate an alcoholic could get until I realized my AH drank the new bottle of vanilla extract and put it back in the box it came in.
If your boundary is no drinking ever, it will mean that you have to come across him drinking before you can do anything. When you do, you have to calmly remind him of your condition/boundary and ask him to leave. My AH was passed out in our bed, when I found a thermos of vodka in his car. I turned on all the lights in the room, packed a bag, woke him up and asked him to leave. I locked the door behind him and called my Dad for moral support. At that point I had just made up my mind, it wasn't easy, but a relief once over.
Try not to worry about what he will do, or where he will go, etc. He is a grown man with an income. He will figure it out. Remember that it is best for him in the long run, because by allowing a comfy situation in your home, his drinking will certainly continue. It's a progressive disease, so it will not only continue but get worse. By giving him the dignity of experiencing the consequences of his actions, he may decide to get sober on his own. If you continue enabling his drinking by not enforcing boundaries that are crucial to YOUR sanity, both of you will get sicker.
No time ever feels like the right time, regardless of the holidays. But it sounds like you have already stated your boundary. So it's up to him--HE is choosing the time, if and when he chooses to drink, not you.
Best wishes to you. Take care of yourself and then you can be strong for him, if he ever does decide to get truly, spiritually, sober.
~ B
If your boundary is no drinking ever, it will mean that you have to come across him drinking before you can do anything. When you do, you have to calmly remind him of your condition/boundary and ask him to leave. My AH was passed out in our bed, when I found a thermos of vodka in his car. I turned on all the lights in the room, packed a bag, woke him up and asked him to leave. I locked the door behind him and called my Dad for moral support. At that point I had just made up my mind, it wasn't easy, but a relief once over.
Try not to worry about what he will do, or where he will go, etc. He is a grown man with an income. He will figure it out. Remember that it is best for him in the long run, because by allowing a comfy situation in your home, his drinking will certainly continue. It's a progressive disease, so it will not only continue but get worse. By giving him the dignity of experiencing the consequences of his actions, he may decide to get sober on his own. If you continue enabling his drinking by not enforcing boundaries that are crucial to YOUR sanity, both of you will get sicker.
No time ever feels like the right time, regardless of the holidays. But it sounds like you have already stated your boundary. So it's up to him--HE is choosing the time, if and when he chooses to drink, not you.
Best wishes to you. Take care of yourself and then you can be strong for him, if he ever does decide to get truly, spiritually, sober.
~ B
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
I'm here to add moral support. I'm in your boat, I own the house. I am the primary breadwinner. He works, having found part time employ after being fired. But I see very little of his income and then he sticks his hand out for money out of my check because he blew all his. Unfortunately I am married to the bum and have two young children. Oh, wait, is my bitterness showing?
Your A is a grown man with income. You have a job with an income that can support you Even if you don't catch him red handed while drinking, it is causing you angst because you are still wondering if he is drinking. Which I find hard because it is like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Would you be comfortable asking him to move out? Even for a bit. It might help you think and decide what to do without the added stress of "is he drinking? Is he hiding it?"
Your A is a grown man with income. You have a job with an income that can support you Even if you don't catch him red handed while drinking, it is causing you angst because you are still wondering if he is drinking. Which I find hard because it is like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Would you be comfortable asking him to move out? Even for a bit. It might help you think and decide what to do without the added stress of "is he drinking? Is he hiding it?"
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Man... I got giddy seeing you aren't chained to the... I mean married! 
I'd treat him like a room mate Boo. If you haven't given him an exit date... January 1st 2014 sounds like a great day to have him out by! New Year, New You, New Life... Out with the old ragid boy toy...
Hey... it's over 30 days! He's got enough time to look for a new joint!
I'd treat him like a room mate Boo. If you haven't given him an exit date... January 1st 2014 sounds like a great day to have him out by! New Year, New You, New Life... Out with the old ragid boy toy...
Hey... it's over 30 days! He's got enough time to look for a new joint!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Brisbane QLD
Posts: 53
Hi all, I would like to pass on my support to you all. I was the AH and was also the (what I thought) quiet drinker. Until I realised that my wife had been onto me the whole time . The endless discussions of you need help, you need to slow down. It will affect your job and us etc. Each point a very valid point, each discussion deserving but all the while I was in denial thinking that maybe, just maybe I can change this. One day when I went to one of my hiding spots to take a few sips of the vodka I found a note attached, the note darling I am begging you! I am really, really concerned. I can't help you , you need to help yourself! Only you can do something about this! I love you.
I felt so bad, so guilty! I ended up in hospital very close to death due to self harm. It wasn't because I wanted sympathy, it was me punishing myself for what a mess I let myself get into and how horrid it was for my loving and caring wife. The patient and understanding person that stood by me the whole time. The first person I looked at when I woke up in ICU . The person that talked to me everyday there after to do what ever she cod to help her addictive husband somehow get back to the way he once was. And it was this support that makes me the man I am today. The man that thanks her everyday for being my beautiful wife. I realise that I could have lost this great person because of my selfish behaviour.
I felt so bad, so guilty! I ended up in hospital very close to death due to self harm. It wasn't because I wanted sympathy, it was me punishing myself for what a mess I let myself get into and how horrid it was for my loving and caring wife. The patient and understanding person that stood by me the whole time. The first person I looked at when I woke up in ICU . The person that talked to me everyday there after to do what ever she cod to help her addictive husband somehow get back to the way he once was. And it was this support that makes me the man I am today. The man that thanks her everyday for being my beautiful wife. I realise that I could have lost this great person because of my selfish behaviour.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
1) Consult lawyer. In some states, if you've lived together long enough, he has "common-law" rights, which means he may have almost the same rights as if you had been married.
2) If lawyer says "nope, you have no legal obligations" -- tell him to pack a bag and go to a hotel, and tell him he has until December 15 to find another place to stay. On Dec. 15, rent a U-haul and a storage unit, take all his things there, put a padlock on the unit, courier the key to his motel, and say "HAVE A GOOD LIFE."
And no. I know it's not that simple.
But it could be.
Couldn't it?
2) If lawyer says "nope, you have no legal obligations" -- tell him to pack a bag and go to a hotel, and tell him he has until December 15 to find another place to stay. On Dec. 15, rent a U-haul and a storage unit, take all his things there, put a padlock on the unit, courier the key to his motel, and say "HAVE A GOOD LIFE."
And no. I know it's not that simple.
But it could be.
Couldn't it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
Thanks so much for all of your input. We have a date, we have boundries, the date is not that close due to some entwined engagements. If he drinks, I can detach and detach and detach until the date. If that makes any sense. I am pizzed that iI ooked at the bottle. its been in there so long it must be vinager by now, undrinkable to a normal person. If I am looking at 1 day at a time, today is a wonderful day. I can't think too far into the future or i would be depressed all the time. The date is early next year, but not Jan 1. Your input means so much. This is so INCREDIBLY sad.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 274
Take care and very best of luck.
It probably doesn't help but PLEASE remember alcoholism is a progressive disease and if he doesn't get help, it will get worse. Alcoholism will damage even kill the strongest love. Also, it will eventually cause physical and mental damage.....
sometimes I barely recognise the man I used to worship Boo - I wish I had realised the above earlier but I was too proud to confide in anyone and ask for help. Everyone thought I had a glamourous life with my designer clothes and posh cars but inside, I knew he was drinking way way too much and eventually it would catch up with him.
Put yourself first. I know you love him and I just pray that what you have done will shock him into getting help or lose you!
Best of luck Boo
It probably doesn't help but PLEASE remember alcoholism is a progressive disease and if he doesn't get help, it will get worse. Alcoholism will damage even kill the strongest love. Also, it will eventually cause physical and mental damage.....
sometimes I barely recognise the man I used to worship Boo - I wish I had realised the above earlier but I was too proud to confide in anyone and ask for help. Everyone thought I had a glamourous life with my designer clothes and posh cars but inside, I knew he was drinking way way too much and eventually it would catch up with him.
Put yourself first. I know you love him and I just pray that what you have done will shock him into getting help or lose you!
Best of luck Boo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by Booo 
Since I am the breadwinner by default it would be farily simple for me to "kick" him out.
So I suppose my exit strategy is not an exit, but a kicking out. I have no idea how to do this if I have to. He's not abusive or a danger,
Originally Posted by Booo
Has anyone ever had someone actually agree to terms that have been discussed or is it just a louder round of quacking?
If anyone has actual experience, I would love to hear it. Well not love to, but I think I need to.
If anyone has actual experience, I would love to hear it. Well not love to, but I think I need to.
In the end, I told him I would LOAN him my very substantial tax refund. Everyone here said I was a fool and he wouldn't go and to consider it a gift not a loan. Thing was, it is in writing, when I transferred the money to his bank account and in emails (all saved) that it was a loan. I will get it back by hook or by crook, reality is, I would have paid anything to get him out.
He tried to hang around. Missed the first move out date and tried to renege on the second. Quite a few excuses. He eventually left on the second move out date.
Oh and guess where he asked me to drop him off on his move out date? (his car was still rotting on the front lawn, I have since had it towed to the wrecking yard, got 40 bucks for it too!
) - he got me to drop him at the local bar. Grit your teeth and garner up some steely resolve. And consider it might take a lot longer than you think to get him out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by lillamy
1) Consult lawyer. In some states, if you've lived together long enough, he has "common-law" rights, which means he may have almost the same rights as if you had been married.
2) If lawyer says "nope, you have no legal obligations" -- tell him to pack a bag and go to a hotel, and tell him he has until December 15 to find another place to stay. On Dec. 15, rent a U-haul and a storage unit, take all his things there, put a padlock on the unit, courier the key to his motel, and say "HAVE A GOOD LIFE."
And no. I know it's not that simple.
But it could be.
Couldn't it?
2) If lawyer says "nope, you have no legal obligations" -- tell him to pack a bag and go to a hotel, and tell him he has until December 15 to find another place to stay. On Dec. 15, rent a U-haul and a storage unit, take all his things there, put a padlock on the unit, courier the key to his motel, and say "HAVE A GOOD LIFE."
And no. I know it's not that simple.
But it could be.
Couldn't it?
It can be that simple! My boundary was no alcohol in my house and my A did what alcoholics do "drink"! So ... he would drink and we would fight and he would leave to go drink some more and I would furiously pack his stuff and put in a storage unit and change the locks!
I must have done that 15 times! What is the definition of insanity again? Yes... I rode the crazy train for 4 long miserable years.
After his "relapse vacation" he would crawl, beg, quack and cry and I would take him to detox/rehab/AA etc for a period of time while carefully managing his life by hovering and helicoptering and putting out the fires.
Things would be hunky dory until he drank again. Rinse and repeat ad nauseum.
I started getting so angry I became a true danger to him. I couldn't cure him so I considered killing him. I was more interested in him believing that I would so he took off for Vegas... but that's another story!
Sooooooo... I looking back the boundaries were good. The moving out was good but I should have let him run his own life and recovery and not let him slither back into my house time after time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
Yesterday, was such an amazing day. It's been such a tryng week on all fronts. I was finally able, I guess to let my guard down. We decided we would stay in and cook...his decision, not mine,thsnk goodness, I don't was to make all the decisions) and I was relieved as I knew no one would be passing us the wine bottle.
In The early afternoon, after the turkey was in the oven, I decided I would take a candle lit bath, I just did not feel right. Something was off with me. He asked what the problem was and as god is my witness I started crying, sobbing...weeping, bawling....which is NEW. i am so stellar and steadfast and worried and keep up that damn strong front , we "alanannies" do...butni was choking in my words.
this was a shocking thing to both of us. He kept asking what was wrong and I said I am so so scared. I love this day, this is an Incredible day. I have loved this last week and I could not bear the thought of losing it..losing this, losing you, these good times, these normal times. (i swear to you, outside the normal quibbles, we are boringly (and I like it that way) normal. )
He said "this is the longest I have been sober in a long time". I was still sobbing. And I blurted out. When I could breathe, ".you don't need to go to a god based Aa you can find a program that fits your agnostic stuff...just google it, it's there but I am not doing it for you"
He never said he had found one, and I never asked.
And he was pretty moved..he's strong willed but really caring... And I could tell he hit him! telfrom the un breakable hug he had we wrapped in.
And then he said "so I guess it's no wine on menu tonight then" which actually WAS funny.
He's always known the boundary, so it is funny.
I know the progression of rhis disease I watched it take my dad, I watched it almost claim my first husband. I won't watch this man do it to himself, what a loss, what a waste.
So I soaked in the tub, which is a new coping mechanism...and I was in there a good long while and came out to a sober AH who had set the table, carved the turkey, plated beautiful meals.
I have for to keep detaching and not controlling. I can only take care of me and yet I still hope. And I pray, and have faith in miracles,
Yet the countdown is stil on and in place and I thank you for all these reminders and strategies and yes..."palamoney" is still something that crosses the mind , but we do have a contract written long ago between us about the money which has not been seen by a lawyer but it's something. Something I hope I never ever have to pull out and present to anyone,
Thanks for your experiences,,,all of them
I hope you had a very blessed thanksgiving
In The early afternoon, after the turkey was in the oven, I decided I would take a candle lit bath, I just did not feel right. Something was off with me. He asked what the problem was and as god is my witness I started crying, sobbing...weeping, bawling....which is NEW. i am so stellar and steadfast and worried and keep up that damn strong front , we "alanannies" do...butni was choking in my words.
this was a shocking thing to both of us. He kept asking what was wrong and I said I am so so scared. I love this day, this is an Incredible day. I have loved this last week and I could not bear the thought of losing it..losing this, losing you, these good times, these normal times. (i swear to you, outside the normal quibbles, we are boringly (and I like it that way) normal. )
He said "this is the longest I have been sober in a long time". I was still sobbing. And I blurted out. When I could breathe, ".you don't need to go to a god based Aa you can find a program that fits your agnostic stuff...just google it, it's there but I am not doing it for you"
He never said he had found one, and I never asked.
And he was pretty moved..he's strong willed but really caring... And I could tell he hit him! telfrom the un breakable hug he had we wrapped in.
And then he said "so I guess it's no wine on menu tonight then" which actually WAS funny.
He's always known the boundary, so it is funny.
I know the progression of rhis disease I watched it take my dad, I watched it almost claim my first husband. I won't watch this man do it to himself, what a loss, what a waste.
So I soaked in the tub, which is a new coping mechanism...and I was in there a good long while and came out to a sober AH who had set the table, carved the turkey, plated beautiful meals.
I have for to keep detaching and not controlling. I can only take care of me and yet I still hope. And I pray, and have faith in miracles,
Yet the countdown is stil on and in place and I thank you for all these reminders and strategies and yes..."palamoney" is still something that crosses the mind , but we do have a contract written long ago between us about the money which has not been seen by a lawyer but it's something. Something I hope I never ever have to pull out and present to anyone,
Thanks for your experiences,,,all of them
I hope you had a very blessed thanksgiving
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Boo....for what it is worth...I think the sobbing, etc. is a part of the normal grieving process--no doubt, triggered by the nostalgia of the holiday. It is quite normal to grieve over any major change in our lives--even positive ones---like moving from a house that we have lived in for a long time to take a new coveted job (for example).
dandylion
dandylion
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
