BookNerd

My husband very emphatically put an end to his drinking forever (or so he said) in early October. Promised me he really wanted to change this time, to fix our marriage, etc. etc. He even started sessions with an addictions counselor (at my request) to ensure he kept moving forward and not backward.

Starting about two weeks after he "quit," I started noticing slurred speech now and then. Anytime I calmly and casually asked if he had drank, he either quickly became enraged, told me to f off, or if he was in a better mood, assured me so sincerely that he really has quit and has no desire to drink. He told me this over and over again, that he is done with alcohol.

I truly did not believe him at first but he played that same record so many times that I started to believe those words. After all, he was going to the counselor, and generally speaking, he has been a lot more pleasant to be around than formerly. Besides, he still smokes weed every day so maybe that was causing the slurred speech. Maybe?

Man, am I easily duped. My instincts were correct. Today, I found a receipt from the liquor store from a few days ago. I feel like such a dummy. He has been lying to me with a straight face all along.

I guess I thought this time was different because he seemed very sincere about wanting to quit. In the past, when he has quit he was resentful about it, grumbling about how I was "making" him quit and all that.

I am really not sure what to do now. I only know that I am so. sick. of this garbage. Of the lies. Quite honestly, if we weren't flat broke (and then some) I would kick him out. But we are broke. I am stuck, at least for now.

There is so much crap going on in my life right now as it is, I can't believe that now this. Just what I need (not).

The good thing is, I am not nearly as devastated as I would be in the past. I know now that I could make it on my own. For a while though I was really hoping that I wouldn't have to. Now I feel that, once I can figure out how to make a living on my own, it will be time to part ways. Unless REAL change happens between now and then. I just can't express how disgustingly sick I am of the false promises and lies. It actually makes my stomach feel ill to think about it. He's been lying to me the entire time I knew him. We could have had something so wonderful together - I am a very loving and passionate woman - yet he had to go and ruin it, over and over again.

Hawkeye13

I'm really sorry BookNerd. You aren't "easily duped" but dealing with addiction, which can be very crafty and ruthless.

So it sounds like you need a plan, either an exit plan or a coping plan. From your post, I get the feeling it is more an exit plan, but only you can decide what is right for you.

You are broke now, so do you have your own bank account that you can be putting money in for your own place or to keep the place you are now by yourself?

Are you planning to confront him with the bill? If you are stuck living with him it might make him go downhill. Sounds like he is trying to be really nice to hide his drinking.
That might be something you want to keep going for now since you must share a space for awhile. Two can play the "crafty game" unless you just can't stomach it.

I wish you the best and it's great that you are already detaching emotionally so it isn't hurting as much. Check out the co-dependent materials here or maybe an alanon meeting. . .

BoxinRotz

If you're done, detach. Get a plan together. Go forth and be Merry.

Use the next few months to bank money and just let him to his lies n deciet. He's only fooling himself.

I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. I've heard the lies of, I'm good and saw the receipts that said other wise. It's certainly a blow because they think we're as dumb, if not dumber than they are.

forworse

I am the you in your marriage. My AW promised, lied, deceived, etc. I thought i was losing my mind. She blamed the vodka smell when she 'quit' on her perfume. Then the mystery bottles around the house that would turn up here and there were from before. Then, then, then. Its been a horrific nightmare and I feel for you. I didn't know these kinds of stories were so real until I started living it. I was so hopeful each time she went for treatment only to have her return and be blasted within a week. Do whats good for you going forward with the understanding that he likely won't change and will keep being dishonest. Sorry.

BookNerd

Thanks guys.

It's going to have to be a coping plan for the foreseeable future. But unless something changes for real, it will turn to an exit plan.

I know I have made progress because in the past I would have dedicated my mental energy to thinking of ways of getting him to change. Now, I am going to dedicate my energy to taking care of myself and forming my plans. It's so much better to feel that I do have control of my life.

I don't know if I can bear to not tell him I found the receipt. I am a very honest person and it would feel too much like lying to not say anything. I'm not going to freak out though as I have in the past. Although I hate this situation I know it is nothing personal. He has a serious problem that has nothing to do with me. If ultimately he proves that he really is not capable of partaking in a decent, honest relationship with another adult, I will have to move on, that's all. I do love him, and we have children together, but I deserve better than what he is giving me right now. I am not going to stay in a relationship that is filled with deceit and addictions. I would rather be by myself than be with someone who puts other people way below his precious addictions.

I guess I am not completely done, I am still going to wait for a bit till he's completed more counseling before I decide for sure. But I am forming plans in the mean time.

Refiner

Sorry to hear this, BookNerd. What do you think you need to figure out how to make a living on your own? I like the other person's idea of playing along (two can play at this game) as long as he's being nice to you. Open your own private bank account and get your own credit cards. Figure out your exit plan all while keeping the peace. Once YOUR house is in order for the exit, confront him with your knowledge and say BYE. It doesn't need to be a divorce (at first) if you don't want it. I truly think he needs to hit rock bottom and realize what he's lost and WANT HELP in order to be serious about obtaining help... not just putting on a front in order to make YOU happy (and he obviously isn't doing that very well, either).

honeypig

BookNerd, I can relate to your feelings, having been there myself. It sounds like you've pretty much made up your mind. You're right, you do deserve better, and he does not sound as if he has any interest in actually getting sober.

Like you, I felt so stupid when I found out the truth (each and every time....). But, as you were told here, it's not that you were stupid; it's that a master liar is lying to you. Also, are we wrong to trust the men we married? No--that's part of why we married them; we loved and trusted them. THEY are wrong to betray that trust. The more we see, the less easily we're drawn in. We DO learn, you and I.

In your shoes, I would not hide that I knew about the receipt. I would mention it, calmly, just as a statement of reality, not a confrontational, argumentative, "what are you going to DO about this?" sort of thing. HE is welcome to go on living in his dream world. I myself am going to face facts. It sounds like this is what you're talking about also.

Keep making your plans for exiting--in another thread, someone posted that "being stuck is an obstruction, not a permanent condition", and I'd like to reiterate that here. We may be stuck for now, b/c of finances or what have you, but we need to have a plan to get out and keep working towards that end.

Again, I'm sorry you find yourself in this spot. I so, so understand your feelings, and I wish you strength and clarity as well as ingenuity in finding a way to get free.

forworse

I hadn't even though about the non bread winners here(male or female). I feel for you having to figure out the money thing and how to provide for yourself. I guess my frame of reference is the A is lazy and unemployed and the codie is the one bringing home the bacon. I don't know how i would cope if finances were an issue on top of the feelings etc. Kudos to you.

BookNerd

Thank you. Yes, he is the breadwinner (although to be honest, his wage is not quite meeting the bills right now and we are in dire straights.) I have been a stay at home mom for almost 9 years now. In the foolishness of youth, I never finished university. I formerly worked in retail and as a receptionist - hardly good enough jobs to support a household. So now I have to figure out what I could do to make money that wouldn't require many years of school. Frankly, I don't want to wait 3 or 4 years to change my life. Also, we live way out in the country and it would be an hour drive to the nearest university, if I could get a student loan, not to mention I have young kids that I would have to figure out daycare for. It's really a sticky situation.

hopeful4

I too have went through countless promises. I truly understand where you are coming from. For me, the lying to me with a straight face hurts more than just admitting you could not do it and are drinking...again....

For some reason for me something clicked this time. I am able to detatch pretty well and go on about my business. I honestly believe it is because I do not feel love for him anymore so just like you said, I am not devestated like I would have been. I am for my kids, but not for me.

Hugs to you. Detatch. Get support. Go to therapy, alanon, Celebrate Recovery, something to get YOU the support YOU deserve.

Keep posting...you are not alone! I hope you are able to find peace very soon!

BookNerd

Absolutely. The lies, to me, do 100 times the damage to our relationship than just the drinking alone. I can't tolerate lies, at all.

honeypig

And the lies are part and parcel of the disease of alcoholism. I used to try to separate the two, but they come as a unit. I often thought also that if my A would drink openly, I might be able to live with it, but NOT with the lying. And the lying is so very deep-seated in our relationship--he has been lying about smoking cigarettes almost since we were married, 17 years ago!

Again, I understand your feelings and where you are. I'd like to echo the poster that suggested Alanon for you.

Also, since you do have children, are there government or social programs that would help you financially and/or with school/training for a job? I see you're in Canada, but I do believe we have such things in the US and think if you checked into it, you might find some programs and assistance, maybe more than you imagined.

overit263

I work three jobs, and would rather being doing this than still be married to an addict. I was put in a bad position, living in a new place, took a lesser paying job no benefits etc. You just know when you've had enough.

dandylion

BookNerd---first thing you can do is get a consultation with an attorney---many offer free first consultations. See more than one attorney because some are much more helpful than others.

Next thing---tackle the employment issue--you are going to need a source of income.

You can find many sources of help through the domestic violence center. You can talk to them on the phone--you don't have to go to the shelter.

You can't go wrong by working on your plan for self-suffeciency.

dandylion

JustAGirl1971

BookNerd, have you looked into online education? Personally, I prefer a classroom setting for most courses but would do all online if it was my only choice. The beauty of all-online is that you can tailor your study schedule around your children's schedule & work. And, you can work on as many or as few courses as your schedule allows.

Like you, I am working on my exit strategy and planning accordingly while remaining open (but not so much hopeful) to reconciliation. Much easier in my case since we both work. I'm also studying for the entrance exam to grad school... something I've put off for 15 years. I'm a firm believer that education and hard work are the keys to financial success. Of course, it is easier in my case since my youngest is an 8th grader.

BookNerd

Thank you. I have worked towards a degree in the past through a university a few hours away that does distance education. I didn't finish though because of the expense. Maybe I could pick it up again, I don't know. It's pretty hard for me because I have 4 kids, the middle two are homeschooled right now, and the youngest is only 2. Plus, we live in the country and have animals to care for. Plus I manage a small home business. Certainly I could make changes that would allow me to have the time to dedicate to school, but goodness, there are so many things to consider it makes my head spin every time I try to think about it.

Well, I did tell him last night I knew he's been lying to me. I sort of had to because he could tell I was less cheerful than usual and kept asking me what was wrong. It was amazing, ASTOUNDING, what lengths he went to to insist he was not lying and to deny he had been drinking. After he lied to my face about a dozen times, I produced the receipt. Guys...he tried to say the receipt wasn't his, that he had no idea how it ended up in our basement. In a liquor store bag. Right next to his bed. He actually said "I don't know whose that is, it isn't mine." Then he tried to say there is stuff in the basement from a long time ago. Except the date was from last week. Then he tried to say it wasn't for beer, it was for cigarettes. Even though the name of the beer was on the receipt! Just astounding! Does he really think I am that brain dead?

Finally, after some time had passed and he saw I wasn't buying his malarkey, he said fine, he fell off the wagon, but it was only this once....why oh WHY does everything that comes out of his mouth have to be a lie? This is just ridiculous. Ridiculous.

dandylion

BookNerd---about the lying--all alcoholics lie--or. TRY to lie and minimize and deny the extent of their drinking. It isn't about you--it is about the fact that his disease, at this point, requires that he be in denial. Why? Because if he gives up the denial, he would have to give up drinking--and that feels like literal life and death to an alcoholic who is advancing in their disease. There is an overwhelming compulsion to drink that obliterates all other thoughts in their mind. This is the nature of addiction---he is addicted to alcohol. This is really hard for the non-addicted to comprehend since it doesn't seem logical to them. Total abstainence and living a program that supports sobriety (like AA) is the only way to regain control.
.

I doubt that he thinks you are brain dead. He is operating out of sheer desperation. A drowning man will grab at a straw.

I absolutely agree that you should get out of his way---for your sake as well as his.

You can't make him want to commit himself to sobriety. So, you HAVE to think of your own welfare.

I think the best thing you can do is keep working on your "plan".

dandylion

JustAGirl1971

You're right, booknerd, it is overwhelming. There are so many things to consider and so many other areas that leaving (or in my case, making him leave) will change. For me, I'm just trying to make some progress each day. Doesn't have to be a lot - maybe it's picking up the books to study for the grad school exam, or looking for areas to cut back on the budget so I can start saving. Other days, it may be something big like working up the courage and going to an al-anon meeting. The main thing is to just keep making progress towards real change so that I don't stay stagnant. Because if we aren't happy now (and we aren't) and we can't change them (and we can't) then all we can do is find a solution that will make us and our children safer and happier.

BookNerd

Thank you, Dandylion. I do know his lying isn't about me, but gosh it's still hard to stomach it. And I guess you're right, he probably doesn't think I'm brain dead but is grasping at straws. When I first told him, "I found a receipt from the liquor store today" a look like panic came over his face. In a way I feel sorry for him, that he is trapped in this endless cycle of insanity. I doubt it's much more enjoyable for him than it is for me.

Yep, I will keep working on my plan, although there isn't much of one yet. I can NOT depend on this person any longer. He isn't a functioning adult. I truly get that now.

JustAGirl - thanks for the reminder that doing something every day to move forward, however small, is the key. I tend to feel overwhelmed a lot (after all, I have a LOT of stuff going on in my life) and I think I need to keep remembering that baby steps are okay. Even if I only have time to come here and post, I am still learning and growing.

Thanks everyone for your support - you're all awesome!

HealingWillCome

This is a good sign. The devastation can be paralyzing...once you're free from that, it's so much easier to focus on taking care of yourself.