Rosiepetal

Over the past year I have developed a good relationship with my RABF.
As many of you know there are issues we face that normal relationships may not.
As it comes to the Christmas season & Christmas work functions it poses questions around whether RABF is up to it or not.
We decided it was best I go on my own as I would like to have a Christmas drink & don't wish him to feel uncomfortable & also I don't wish to feel uncomfortable knowing he feels that way.
He has decided not to go to his own Christmas function or a wedding for work collegue although I'd love to go.

Today is my daughter's 10th birthday & the family will go for a meal. I would've liked him to be there but when I asked he said no. It is a Wednesday & he has dinner with family every weds.
I feel a little offended by this. Is it just me?
It is 1 day of the year, I wouldn't think anybody would be drinking & don't understand his reluctance.
Since becoming sober (now 11 months) he has built a better relationship with my children but really over the past 3 years of our relationship he hasn't spent any real time with them. This leaves me living a double life, my life with my kids & my life with him.
I am beginning to now question if this is what I want. Ideally I would like someone in my life who can take me a whole package, kids & all.
Is it that my recovery is enabling me to see what I want & need from a relationship?
Also is every social occasion, drinking or non-drinking going to be attended on my own.
I do not drink around him & have been to his family gatherings & not drunk alcohol out of respect to him yet his family members have been drinking.
I'm just not sure anymore.
I do love him but I think I want more for myself & my children.
When I questioned him not attending my daughters birthday he just said there will be other times. Not sure I understand.
Am I missing something here?
Of course his sobriety takes top place & I have been very supportive of that while leading my own life.
I guess back to one day at a time?? Maybe I'm looking too far ahead but just feel I should be in a relationship that meets my needs & not sure this is it.
Advise welcome.

Hammer

Let's maybe start with this . . .

11 months is just a start in this realm. The drunk years do not really count for much of anything -- other than drunk time for them, and damage for us.

I follow that you were already together, but you might have read that folks are generally recommended to stay out of new relationships for the first year, because things are so emotionally unstable.

Mrs. Hammer is about 11 1/2 months back from Rehab and is just starting to behave human, again.

I would caution that you do not throw everything out just because you do not have things all your way.

Rosiepetal

Its not so much about not getting things my way its about what I want out of a relationship.
Don't we have a right to have our needs met & discuss what our needs are?
Glad Mrs Hammer is starting to get better, it's hard for us all.

AnvilheadII

yes we do....and YOU get to decide if this is good enough for you.....AND for your kids.

dandylion

Rosie---Not only yes....But, HEL* YES!!!!!!

You should n ever stay in a relationship solely out of fear, obligation, or guilt. To be clear--I am talking about spousal or partner relationship. I think you get my drift???

You don't necessarily have to justify yourself to anyone else, either. Not wanting to is good enough.

This is my view.

dandylion

dandylion

marie1960

Well the other side of this coin, Maybe for today, it's best he is not making the extra effort and spending time with your kids, kids get hurt too when things don't work out. (not implying anything, simply sharing my thoughts)

Sounds like he realizes being in a social situation, where alcohol is served is still a trigger for him. It's good that he realizes this, and he is taking care of himself, but it certainly leave you fending for yourself, and flying solo.

You have every right to want the 'whole package" and I think you have a much clearer picture of the whole situation, than you did say 6 months ago. Eventually the honeymoon stage wears off, and you arrive at real life.

I am not sure what the reference to your daughter's birthday was either, but gezz, birthday's are a pretty big deal to a kid, and I know somewhere in the back of my mind, I would find his lack of participation hurtful. I would have to be asking myself, If after almost a year he can't hold it together for a couple hours and have dinner and celebrate my kid's birthday WTH? Is it him or me? Human nature says I would view his choice as SELFISH.

but maybe today is as good as it can get.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your kiddos. ((Hugs)))

lillamy

Only you know how long you find it acceptable to wait for another person to decide how much he wants to be part of your life.

Whether it's his recovery or something else, he's focusing on his needs. It sounds like you're beginning to really focus on yours.

I guess what I would ask myself is - is this just another way I'm wanting him to be different? He was drinking and I wanted him to stop and he did. Now I want him to change in another way.

And then the question would be the same one as when he was drinking: if nothing ver changes; if he stays like this - is this the man you want to share your life with?