lillamy

I know we're all in different stages of recovery (and some of us don't like the label recovery but that's OK) and life… and every once in a while, I feel like the journey is just so bleeping long. Like there IS a light at the end, but it's a really @#$(&*&(#$ long tunnel!

And when that happens, I usually ask my Alanannies this question: "Can you tell me about something you have learned about yourself in your recovery lately? Or tell me about a success or a step forward you feel you have taken?"

I believe in the healing power of stories. Of telling ours and of listening to those of others.

So I'm asking you now.

Tell me your encouraging stories about how far you have come and what strides you have made. Because I swear I'm in a world-record-length tunnel here, Olympic Style. Intergalactic championship length. So I need your encouragement!!!

hopeful4

Lets see. Last year (and all the years before) when my AH would drink I would quitely ask him to speak with me. We would proceed in the garage, bedroom, whereever and fight it out. I would cry, beg, scream, all the bad codependent things one can do. Well, fairly recently it is like something in my head has clicked. I am able to detatch. I have faced I will have to make changes. Note I said I...not him...me. He is not likely to change. That would be nice but prob not going to happen.

So this past Friday I went home, he had clearly been drinking. I could not have cared less. I let him do his thing (lay passed out on the bed quite likely) and I went and did mine which was go to the Hunger Games #2 movie with my sister and daughters. We had a blast and I will not forget it. We laughed and laughed. I did not text him once or even look when he texted me. I did not let it ruin my night, I had a blast. I went home and he had sobered up, he tried to quack he was sorry...not interested. I went to bed, cooked the next day and had fun the next day too.

In the past I would have either stayed home or I would have been miserable with worry all night. While this does not sound like some big progress...it is huge. I can see that I am a better person just by being me! And I like me again!

I will take that progress anytime. You may not be able to see it lillamy but you are getting there! You are making progress too!

It is truly a day at a time and that is only 24 hours. Celebrate every little stupid thing that is good, life is short and worth celebrating!

Blessings!

MIRecovery

I found recovery is not a destinaton it is a lifetime journey with each day a little better than the last. Some of the positives I have experienced are

• the shame and guilt are things of the past
• I am comfortable in my own skin
• I have a connection with a higher power
• I've built a wonderful life without alcohol
• relationships with friends and family have never been better
• most of my fear and anxiety have gone away
• I have never felt better physically
• I have a purpose in life
• I have more sober friends than I can count

lillamy

I think my steps forward feel like steps back.
And that's what I'm struggling with right now.

We are away from AXH. We are safe. And in the relaxation that comes with safety, all the feelings that have been quashed for years (for the kids) or decades (for me) just sort of all escaped at once.

So I feel like now when life was finally supposed to start over - we're swamped in trauma triage.

I know it's a step forward. Dealing with it. Bulk rate at the therapist's office. All that jazz.

hopeful4

Just dealing with it is huge progress. You have most likely stuffed those feelings for so long that you are finally mentally able to cope and process them. That in and of itself is progress! Because as you deal with the feelings, you will process them and leave them behind. Your key words...they escaped all at once. So it is overwhelming they escaped at once...but see it as a relief they are gone!

BoxinRotz

I just told my oldest brother something like this today because his gf left him for another man. He was unbelievably hurt as I could hear it in his voice as it cracked and then he got angry. I told him to feel the emotion and let it go. Don't stew on it too long as it can and will consume you.

I've dealt with a whole slew of things my entire life. I held onto a bit of anger once a little too long and for the life of me, I can't remember the things that were suppose to be important to me because I held onto that anger for way to long. When I let it go, life became so much better for me. My anger for this person's act did not affect her but it killed me inside. Once I forgave her unforgivable act of pure evilness, I was able to live. I didn't do it for her but for myself. It was a defining moment and perhaps one reason why I came through my current shitstorm with my RAH. I could have certainly held onto a lot of anger with him because he did some unbelievable things that literally hurt me deeply!

I still feel that anger leading up to the accident and aftermath at times. I give it 5 minutes of my time and OUT IT GOES because if I don't, it can consume me. I don't like who I become when I'm not me and riddled with anguish and turmoil. When I lose my wicked sense of humor, something is terribly wrong and I just don't like being that person.

NWGRITS

I'm working my Step 4 inventory. My husband is my buddy for this, keeping me in check. I asked him for honesty when assessing my answers, but not knee-jerk responses. Used to be if anyone called me out or criticized me for anything, I'd flip out and blame shift, or any number of things. We were able to sit down and go over this one section with no fights or name-calling. A big reason for that is that I was able to be honest myself in answering the questions in the first place. For an ACoA, recovery is a double-duty journey. I'm going all the way back to the beginning here and digging up some stuff I had pushed into the far recesses of my memory. Which is why I say I start every day at Step 1, cause I never know what might happen today or tomorrow.

Hammer

applause!

NWGRITS

Thanks, Hammer. Keep the focus on God and this stuff gets a whole lot easier.

LoveMeNow

It took a while to learn how to live in Today. I have always been a worrier and come from a long line of them as well. I try hard to stay in today and allow any worries to stay in tomorrow.

IMO, life is truly a short season and I want to make the most of it today!!

JustAGirl1971

See just that part I highlighted shows me that you're light years ahead in your progress, not baby steps. Unfortunately, as you've said, all the trauma from the past takes awhile to work through. And, idk, I kind of think it would be normal even years out to occasionally have issues arise as a result of it. To me, it's how you handle those issues that determines where you are in your progress. As someone new here, you really seem like you have it together to me.

As for me, I'm so new I've barely begun taking baby steps. I'm still waayyy too obsessed and focused on AH but, I do see some small progress. I actually finally realized that it's not my job to 'fix' his relationship with our ds. My job is to get AH out of the house so that ds can come back home. AH can worry about his relationship with ds. I know, that sounds like a no brainer, what can I say, I'm a slow learner?!

lizatola

Hmm, for me, it's been a very slow progression. I have to admit that I'm a slow learner, but the first thing I did was stop looking for trouble and I tried hard to control my reactions to his insanity. I have learned to ask "how important is it' and I don't try to fight to be right all the time. I've learned to pick my battles and I'm learning to take responsibility for my feelings and attitudes, instead of blaming my AH or others. Not that I did it very often but I know I would say, "if he didn't drink or drink and drive, then my stomach wouldn't be in knots." I know now that I am in control of that anxiety and that if I turn it over to God, I will be in a more peaceful place.

I've also learned that I'm not damaged goods, I have forgiven myself for a lot of crap, and I finally have come to realize that perfection is over rated!

lillamy

Thank you for that reminder. When I look at my problems with my eyes, they feel huge. When I look at them through God's eyes, they get their proper size.

NWGRITS

Exactly. When I try to do it my way, it gets disastrous. A Jewish friend of mine shared a Yiddish proverb with me: "Man plans and God laughs." Yep. I'm convinced the Big Guy has a sense of humor.

peaceofpi

I have been trying to "Let go and let God."
It's a difficult week. Six days of visitation for our young son with alcoholic ex, who tonight was slurring-drunk on the phone.
I was going to say "Sounded like vodka" but you know what? I don't care. That is a step.

SherylB

I'm very new to this "recovery" thing, but I have to say that I have changed a lot in the short 3 weeks since my AH left me and our daughter. I'm actually starting to let myself FEEL the pain of abandonment, embrace it, and HEAL from it so I can move forward to obtaining a happier, healthier life.

The responses from all the people on this forum helped me a LOT! I went to a few Alanon meetings, but to be honest, didn't get much at all from them yet. I'm going to keep on going, but the real healing that's happening is coming from ME. I'm reading all that I can, going to a counselor, talking to friends and family, and just realizing that only I can help myself.

When I tried to separate myself from my AH in the past, I just couldn't or wouldn't let myself get over the shock and pain of letting go of him, but since HE left ME, I had no choice. I decided that once I feel really good about myself (which of course will take a lot of time), I'm going to send him a thank you note to tell him that his leaving was the BEST thing that could have ever happened to me. I never knew how free I would feel from the toxic effects of alcohol and abuse once I allowed myself to just let go and let my shattered heart get to the work of healing. I'm really glad he finally let me go. What a blessing in disguise!

m1k3

Hi Lillamy and thank you for giving me a chance to talk about me.

I already posted about quitting my old job so I could move to Memphis TN and so far it has been great. I have just started to job hunt and what I wanted to post about is how recovery has changed the interview process.

I am much more comfortable with the whole interview thing now and I think it shows. I now focuse on what I have accomplished rather than focusing on technical skills. Just so you know I work in IT and programming. I am also brutally honest. When a job is being pitched at me I am very clear about how my strengths fit in and what areas I am weak or lacking in. Something I never would have done before. I make eye contact, I ask questions and I make sure I get across what I am looking for in job. I now have enough self esteem to discuss both my strengths and weaknesses in an open honest fashion without bragging or feeling insecure. I have also set my expectations lower and my goal is to have a good interview not get a job. That helps to lower the pressure.

I had a very good interview yesterday and hopefully it will lead to an offer, if not it was very good practice for my next interview.

It doesn't mean that the time leading up to the interview is stress free. But, it is so much less than the stress of living with an A.

So, for me, recovery has meant that I now have the guts to take chances, to accept myself as I am and be to have real pride in what I did. It means I don't use my accomplishments to build my self esteem but rather recognize that the accomplishments are because of my self esteem.

I think I can honestly say that recovery has taught me how to love me and that was not something I had ever done before in my life.

Your friend,

lillamy

Oh Mike, I just spit out my drink!!! (Don't worry; it was just water -- it can be replaced!)
I love it when you talk about you. It's so much more enlightening and encouraging than when my narcissist coworker talks about herself. (Although it's fun -- you can just ask her one question and she'll go for 30 minutes without taking a breath…)



You sound… so serene!!! And I think the way you approach interviews are amazing -- you are really honestly looking for a good fit, not just trying to sell yourself. Any employer with a bit of brain should appreciate that.

Are you listing us as references?

m1k3

LOL, this sounds like a bad joke.

Enough of me posting about me, why don't you post about me now.

Your friend,

Wisconsin

Well, the single biggest lesson I have learned on my own recovery journey was that I do not have to attend every fight I am invited to. I cannot overstate what a huge revelation that was for me. I had lived my whole life believing I had to fight for what I thought was "right" or to convince someone I was right, or to defend myself, or whatever.

But my most RECENT self-discovery has been that I find JOY in things again. True, unadulterated joy! I didn't experience much of that for a very, very long time. I had joy in high school (to the extent any teenager has joy, LOL) and college. By law school and my early professional career I was married and had a daughter, and was faced with the certainty that I would be the primary (if not sole) breadwinner in a highly demanding career that, if I was honest with myself, I hated. Add to that the fact that my first marriage was not really fulfilling for a lot of reasons, and outside of my daughters there wasn't much joy in my 20s and early 30s. During my divorce, I spent 2 years in therapy and did A LOT of work on myself. I acted out, made poor choices, but grew so much and ultimately found a lot of joy. Some of it on my own, some of it with my daughters, some of it with my AH. Then I got pregnant, my AH relapsed, my professional life went into the toilet, and I allowed the joy to slip through my fingers. It has been three heartbreakingly difficult years, but over the past 4 months I have reclaimed my joy, and also been able to look back on the last three years and see all the places I had joy, even during the heartbreak. It has been a much-needed lesson that I can CHOOSE happiness, and I can CHOOSE gratitude, and I can CHOOSE success. I may still be married to my AH, but I am on a path to separating from him permanently. I relish my children. For the first time in my professional life, I LOVE my job. There is so much to be grateful for, and so much joy to fill my heart.