That was the last straw
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
That was the last straw
So I've been on SR for about 5 years now. When I first came here I was pregnant with my son and looking for a way out of the alcoholic madness I found myself living in. Things got better and I stayed. The road has been a bumpy one but for quite some time I thought we would make it. This year though, things have been really tough. I finally had enough of feeling micromanaged and letting so much stuff slide. I owned up to my faults, quit drinking with him and started attending Al-anon. For a couple of months I've had the feeling that this time might be a little bit beyond repair, but I kept on trying anyway. I was taking care of my own needs and feeling a little better though and that wasn't going over so well with him. I kept on.
I recently went on a vacation with my Dad and kids. It was an awkward situation because it was something the A and I had always planned to do with our kids. So it also became a great source of distress in the relationship. But I wasn't going to pass it up. Well upon my returning. I found out that he had been soliciting people for hook ups on craigslist. I have no idea if anything came together or not, but I really don’t care. That’s enough. I’m finally calling it quits.
I debated on whether or not I would bring this knowledge to the forefront or not. Because I didn't want to be “the snoop” but a few weeks back he made some comments to me that made me feel like it deserved some checking into. Over the weekend it all came out. He tried to tell me he did it because he was hurt over some things I wrote in my journal. Really? So what I wrote in private, for me only, in a closed notebook makes it ok for you try to hook up with strangers off the internet?
I told him I’d be moving out after the holidays. I need to save some money and find a place to go. He got all mad and wanted to have a fight over who did what to whom. I said it didn't matter anymore, I've seen enough to know this is where I draw the line. He ranted on about me putting all my stuff in the garage until I was gone and lots of other BS. I kind of wish I had waited to say something until I had a place to walk out too. Then Sunday.. voila… it’s like nothing happened. He’s nice, playing family and didn't bring it up once. I know I don’t want to stay.. but how do I do this another month?
Today he called me at lunch like we always do.. “I haven’t heard from you so I thought I’d give you a call”. For what? What do you do? Play along? I’m confused…
I recently went on a vacation with my Dad and kids. It was an awkward situation because it was something the A and I had always planned to do with our kids. So it also became a great source of distress in the relationship. But I wasn't going to pass it up. Well upon my returning. I found out that he had been soliciting people for hook ups on craigslist. I have no idea if anything came together or not, but I really don’t care. That’s enough. I’m finally calling it quits.
I debated on whether or not I would bring this knowledge to the forefront or not. Because I didn't want to be “the snoop” but a few weeks back he made some comments to me that made me feel like it deserved some checking into. Over the weekend it all came out. He tried to tell me he did it because he was hurt over some things I wrote in my journal. Really? So what I wrote in private, for me only, in a closed notebook makes it ok for you try to hook up with strangers off the internet?
I told him I’d be moving out after the holidays. I need to save some money and find a place to go. He got all mad and wanted to have a fight over who did what to whom. I said it didn't matter anymore, I've seen enough to know this is where I draw the line. He ranted on about me putting all my stuff in the garage until I was gone and lots of other BS. I kind of wish I had waited to say something until I had a place to walk out too. Then Sunday.. voila… it’s like nothing happened. He’s nice, playing family and didn't bring it up once. I know I don’t want to stay.. but how do I do this another month?
Today he called me at lunch like we always do.. “I haven’t heard from you so I thought I’d give you a call”. For what? What do you do? Play along? I’m confused…
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
O sweetie...I am so sorry. I say this gently...if he has been cheating you need to go get yourself checked out/tested. I am sorry to even mention it but better safe than sorry. Most health departments will do so for free I believe.
So...he is trying to play nice. Quack Quack. You know what, I too have decided to separate after the holidays. For the same reasons and then some involving my kids. That being said, he if wants to play nice it will make the month go by much easier than fighting would. Can you just ignore him and be out of the house as much as possible? Also...why are you leaving? Is the house in his name only? If you have not done so already I advise you to see legal council. It will make you feel so much better and in control of the situation or it did for me and the initial was free. Be strong, tell yourself that you only have XX more time of this and then you can be free from it. That is what I am doing although I do realize it is a total different situation.
If you cannot tolerate it, do you have a friend or family member that you can stay w/until you are on your feet? My friend stayed w/me for a while a few years ago, it was actually really nice and we bonded very closely during that time. She helped me and I helped her.
Do not let him play the blame game. This is not your fault and you did not cause him to put out some ad on Craigslist. Gross. If it looks like a duck...QUACK QUACK.
Gentle hugs to you!
So...he is trying to play nice. Quack Quack. You know what, I too have decided to separate after the holidays. For the same reasons and then some involving my kids. That being said, he if wants to play nice it will make the month go by much easier than fighting would. Can you just ignore him and be out of the house as much as possible? Also...why are you leaving? Is the house in his name only? If you have not done so already I advise you to see legal council. It will make you feel so much better and in control of the situation or it did for me and the initial was free. Be strong, tell yourself that you only have XX more time of this and then you can be free from it. That is what I am doing although I do realize it is a total different situation.
If you cannot tolerate it, do you have a friend or family member that you can stay w/until you are on your feet? My friend stayed w/me for a while a few years ago, it was actually really nice and we bonded very closely during that time. She helped me and I helped her.
Do not let him play the blame game. This is not your fault and you did not cause him to put out some ad on Craigslist. Gross. If it looks like a duck...QUACK QUACK.
Gentle hugs to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
Thanks Hopeful - I was thinking that too. If he's playing nice then just go along. But I don't want to go along with everything. And yes, the house is in his name only. We are Common Law married I guess, but don't need a divorce to leave I don't think. Plus I feel like if I have a place, then it will never have been "his" place and he won't feel comfortable coming there.
Maybe getting some legal council would still be best. I gathered some paperwork and think I'll just inch things out over this little time.
Thanks.. ugh. It's going to be a long winter.
Maybe getting some legal council would still be best. I gathered some paperwork and think I'll just inch things out over this little time.
Thanks.. ugh. It's going to be a long winter.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
your post has a familiar ring to it. I call it, sweeping it all under the rug......... or denial, or manipulation, or a combination of all three........
How do you do this for another month ? If it were me , I would simply be polite,
I could/would choose to NOT engage. Guess the time for talking has come and gone, it is now his turn, he can figure out his own life.
To ensure that my kids have a happy and peaceful Christmas, I would reach within and find my inner ignore button, if your mind is made up to leave, there really isn't anything left to talk about while you are still living under the same roof, ( division of property, marital assets, etc) all that can be decided when you are living apart, It's Probably a safer and healthier way for all involved, at this point less is more.
Hang in there. Keep the focus on you and the Kids.
How do you do this for another month ? If it were me , I would simply be polite,
I could/would choose to NOT engage. Guess the time for talking has come and gone, it is now his turn, he can figure out his own life.
To ensure that my kids have a happy and peaceful Christmas, I would reach within and find my inner ignore button, if your mind is made up to leave, there really isn't anything left to talk about while you are still living under the same roof, ( division of property, marital assets, etc) all that can be decided when you are living apart, It's Probably a safer and healthier way for all involved, at this point less is more.
Hang in there. Keep the focus on you and the Kids.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You can do this. And just think about how much better you will feel getting out of an environment with all of that negativity tied to it. No, I am not going along w/everything either but I realize I don't want a holiday filled with hate so I am just focusing on myself and my kids. It's easier this time of year actually b/c we are so busy anyways and not home much. Several people on here told me to replace bad memories with good ones. I came home Friday night and AH was stinking drunk. Luckily he was in the bedroom and mostly left me alone. I was planning on being gone all evening anyways so I just left. And HAD SOME FUN! I went and had a great time that I will never forget. He has been drunk countless times over all these years but the fun I had with my daughters and sister Friday night I won't forget and it will be all positive. The negative is all on him and I don't even care.
Make some positive for you my friend. Enjoy the holidays, don't be a slave to a horrible relationship ruining it for you. I am just remembering my roommate in college. We signed a lease and lived together, it did not work out too well, we were very different. For a while I complained about it but evenually just sucked it up b/c I knew there was an END to it all, just like you do! We made do until the lease was up and moved on after that. I'm trying to think in those same terms right now. It's not the same and I get that but there is an end in sight.
You can do anything for a short amount of time!
Hugs!
Make some positive for you my friend. Enjoy the holidays, don't be a slave to a horrible relationship ruining it for you. I am just remembering my roommate in college. We signed a lease and lived together, it did not work out too well, we were very different. For a while I complained about it but evenually just sucked it up b/c I knew there was an END to it all, just like you do! We made do until the lease was up and moved on after that. I'm trying to think in those same terms right now. It's not the same and I get that but there is an end in sight.
You can do anything for a short amount of time!
Hugs!
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