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Separation/I think he's quacking!

Old 11-25-2013, 08:21 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Liztola, congratulations for standing up for yourself and your son. After all he's done, he needs to show you a year of alcohol free behavior with solid AA or other program work, or nothing changes if nothing changes.

As for his buying a condo, he's considering spending marital assets in this separation, and he shouldn't have that freedom to commit joint assets just for his own use. That needs to come as part of a negotiated legal separation or divorce proceedings.

Time to see a lawyer, ASAP. Not necessarily to file for divorce, but to make sure your legal and financial rights are protected.

I've been thinking about you, so good to hear from you; sending my support your way.

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Old 11-26-2013, 12:16 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
He just emailed me to tell me that he contacted a realtor to look into buying a small house or condo!! He thinks renting, even if it's short term, is a bad idea! Seriously? What is this man thinking? I am trying to stay calm and not react. I told him it would be a nice investment property if we can fix the marriage in the long run. But, in reality, I am curious as to his motivation.
Perhaps he is trying to scare you into "fixing" the marriage instead of separating. I put fixing in quotation marks because it takes more than you to fix a marriage, it would take him, too, and if he's just trying to avoid being kicked out, then it wouldn't seem as though he's really trying to fix anything, just avoid unpleasant consequences.

Wishing you the best.

Peace.
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Old 11-26-2013, 01:47 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
The final straw for me was when all of us were in the car and we were discussing my sister, who is dating a new man. AH asked if they were sleeping together yet and I said that's none of our business. He then made a few statements about, "that's the only reason a guy's going to stay in a relationship. If he's not getting s*x, there's no reason to stick around."
I remember when you originally posted this liz. It was and still is gross and must have felt really humiliating. For your husband to say this in front of a teenage boy?

Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
He called me a frigid Christian woman and that our son will most likely turn out gay because his mother was his role model.
This man is a very poor role model for your son. I hope your boy didn't hear this. Although then again...

Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
He laid into me and said, "Do you even know what age appropriate means? C'mon, B, the kid's going to have to learn what a vagina is at some point. You protect him way too much." Ummm, how does a woman's body part play into the topics that we'll most likely be discussing in our family meeting?
It doesn't. He is deliberately baiting you by being a sexist, misogynistic pig. If all you are is an unavailable vagina to him there are plenty of replica vaginas for sale on the Internet. What's his email, I'll tell him for you I could do it in some very colourful language too

Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 View Post
As for his buying a condo, he's considering spending marital assets in this separation, and he shouldn't have that freedom to commit joint assets just for his own use. That needs to come as part of a negotiated legal separation or divorce proceedings.
YES.

Liz this separation/trial separation is your ticket to PEACE. Find a way to make it happen, get out of his way but hang on to joint assets, money and property as much as you can.

Trust me, once you get some peace and quiet, stop walking on eggshells, and know that no-one is going to insult you or your sexuality or try to shame you in front of your child you will feel like your life belongs to you again. It does belong to you. It always has. Take it back and live it.
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Old 11-26-2013, 05:01 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I agree about the assets--he may be feathering his nest in advance and / or trying to "scare" you into not following through on the separation.

I think you need a lawyer and that you are making an excellent decision to get away from this person, at least for awhile. For the record, I think he's just quacking.

Best to you and your son.
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Old 11-26-2013, 06:34 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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((hugs)) my friend. I know this has been a long, painful path for you. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. You are working your program, and staying focused on yourself and your son, and making the decisions that are best for you.
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Old 11-26-2013, 06:43 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
I agree about the assets--he may be feathering his nest in advance and / or trying to "scare" you into not following through on the separation.

I think you need a lawyer and that you are making an excellent decision to get away from this person, at least for awhile. For the record, I think he's just quacking.

Best to you and your son.
Yeah, this is what I was thinking. And, all the while, he's talking about how he came to Jesus and is a new man, etc. While I don't doubt he had a very powerful spiritual experience in Haiti (I bet most people would), I do know that I still have to take care of me. I am contacting my lawyer this AM, as well. I found an awesome lawyer who is pro homeschooling, understands my dilemma, and charges a flat rate for divorces instead of nickel and diming clients.

I don't know if I mentioned it yet, but he made a statement yesterday by packing up his coffee mugs. Interesting choice, LOL.

Lulu, yes, I loved what you wrote above. My son was not in the car during that conversation, thankfully, but he certainly was confused when my AH claimed that his aunt, who is a Christian woman, should be sleeping with her new boyfriend by now.

With the whole house thing: I swear that he's either lost his marbles and forgets what it costs to set up a new house, or he's playing me in some way. Yet, even if he buys a house, we are a community property state and ALL assets are split by the courts 50/50, and that will include his new house.

He keeps going on and on about how he's not going to be making as much commission next year and how we're going to have to cut a LOT of things out of our budget. How hard it's going to be to have 2 homes to pay for utilities, cable, internet, etc. and yet he seems to have forgotten that a new home will need appliances(expensive ones, too), have HOA or condo fees outside the cost of the mortgage, need landscaping maintenance, paint, repairs, etc. If it weren't my own life, I'd probably laugh at the insanity of this proposal. I just know I need to keep my wit's about me.

He had offered to take control of the finances for me, you know, because it stresses me out so much and he wants to help me out. He told me he meant 'no funny business', he just genuinely wants to help. I said no. I've got a handle on things and I will continue to monitor all the investment accounts, checking, savings, etc on a more regular basis now.
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Old 11-26-2013, 07:02 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Liz, I agree that he is quacking---loudly. He knows your vulnerable spots and your hot buttons and he is trying to push them--HARD. He is trying what always worked so well, in his favor, with you in the past. It will probably come as a shock if you don't respond to them like Pavlov's dog, now...LOL.

Actually, the packing the coffee mugs demonstration is so transparent that it is l aughable. As a housewarming gift, a set of new coffee mugs might be a good choice.
Of course, all the "poor mouthing" is very typical--and will probably get even worse as he tries to sway you into capitulation.

Hold steady. Embrace your attorney and your alanon sponsor...LOL.

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Old 11-26-2013, 11:33 AM
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I've been checked out of SR for a few days but here are my thoughts and I am also sending you huge hugs for having to put up with the quacking.

I agree that you should consult a lawyer about his proposed plan of buying some place to live, that is a waste of marital assets. It does sound like he is trying to bait you into caving in and letting him stay. You sound strong enough to resist that temptation at the moment.

Your poor son, having to listen to that drivel. If you are a frigid Christian woman then so am I. I have been on strike in that department for a while since I do not trust my AH and am not liking him at all at the moment. Him being a verbally abusive or drunken mess is not at all attractive. Coming at me and drunkenly pawing me because he "loves" me when in actuality he just wants sex and doesn't care. Ick.

As for the religion stuff. Sounds like a huge and utter quack. Strikes a chord with me. My AH carries his bibles around with him everywhere he goes. Tells me I don't understand. When he got fired last week from work he told me that it must be in God's plan for him, that God didn't want him to have that particular job. I sarcastically asked if God made him go out and get drunk on Thursday so that he didn't go to work on Friday (and so got fired) and he responded "well, He didn't stop me."

Then we move on to the next...we are broke because he lost his job. It is "God's way of showing you (me) that you need to budget.

See how silly all that religion gets when mixed with an alcoholic? An alcoholic can find justification for everything. Stay strong. Stay sane. And hang with us. We are less crazy.
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Old 11-26-2013, 12:49 PM
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Ruby--your husband makes me laugh--very creative quacking...LOL.

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Old 11-26-2013, 01:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Ruby2 View Post
I sarcastically asked if God made him go out and get drunk on Thursday so that he didn't go to work on Friday (and so got fired) and he responded "well, He didn't stop me."
OMG - this has GOT to be added to the Quackers thread!!! I laughed so hard I snorted & my coworkers shot my funny looks!!!

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Old 11-27-2013, 11:40 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Ruby2 View Post
I've been checked out of SR for a few days but here are my thoughts and I am also sending you huge hugs for having to put up with the quacking.

I agree that you should consult a lawyer about his proposed plan of buying some place to live, that is a waste of marital assets. It does sound like he is trying to bait you into caving in and letting him stay. You sound strong enough to resist that temptation at the moment.

Your poor son, having to listen to that drivel. If you are a frigid Christian woman then so am I. I have been on strike in that department for a while since I do not trust my AH and am not liking him at all at the moment. Him being a verbally abusive or drunken mess is not at all attractive. Coming at me and drunkenly pawing me because he "loves" me when in actuality he just wants sex and doesn't care. Ick.

As for the religion stuff. Sounds like a huge and utter quack. Strikes a chord with me. My AH carries his bibles around with him everywhere he goes. Tells me I don't understand. When he got fired last week from work he told me that it must be in God's plan for him, that God didn't want him to have that particular job. I sarcastically asked if God made him go out and get drunk on Thursday so that he didn't go to work on Friday (and so got fired) and he responded "well, He didn't stop me."

Then we move on to the next...we are broke because he lost his job. It is "God's way of showing you (me) that you need to budget.

See how silly all that religion gets when mixed with an alcoholic? An alcoholic can find justification for everything. Stay strong. Stay sane. And hang with us. We are less crazy.
((Ruby2)), I understand! Amazing how they can even involve God in their twisted blame and accusation stories. It wasn't me, it was God. UGH!
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Old 11-27-2013, 11:42 AM
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Mine uses similar twisted "logic"... ugh...
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