TigersFoundMe

My boyfriend and I have been together two years and have lived together nearly as long. I'm not sure if he's an alcoholic, but I'm pretty sure he's alcohol dependent.

- He counts down to 9:00 every night... that's his drinking time. Between 6:00-9:00, he is usually anxious and agitated.
- He drinks an average of 6-12oz beers every single night. He usually has one night a week where he drinks more than that.
- He's tried "no drink nights", but it doesn't last more than a week or so.
- He feels guilty for drinking, but says that he'll stop when he turns 30 (he's 25 now).
- His dad is an alcoholic who refuses to talk about his drinking.

My main concern is that his drinking is unhealthy. I've shown him that the recommended number of drinks for a man is 3-4 drinks no more than 4 days a week, but he continues to drink 6 beers every day. It makes me anxious/nervous/sad/depressed to think that he's causing health issues by drinking so heavily.

Additionally, I struggle with depression and any time I mention that I'm feeling down, he gets defensive, which makes me cry and turns the conversation into a fight. For example, if I tell him that I'm feeling isolated and alone because of my depression, he'll respond "But we just had a date on Monday." I know we just had a date on Monday, but I just want to talk, I feel disconnected from you (and the rest of the world). He'll respond "I stayed home on Wednesday and Thursday, too. We spent time together then." At this point, I feel frustrated and angry because it feels like he's not listening to me and the conversation usually turns into a fight.

It makes me feel better to have physical affection (a hug, a kiss on the forehead, a hand on my back) but he refuses to accommodate me because he's "just not like that". This really hurts my feelings.

I've been considering Al-Anon because I think his drinking worsens my depression. It would be nice to share this experience with others, instead of feeling so isolated by it. However, Al-Anon seems like a Christian/religious organization, and I am agnostic. It Al-Anon heavily Christian? Would an agnostic person feel uncomfortable at an Al-Anon meeting? What options do I have other than Al-Anon?

allforcnm

I use private therapy to help me deal with addiction related to my husband. Very Helpful to me. If you suffer from depression this might serve dual purpose for you. I never used al-anon but my therapist taught me methodology of CRAFT (community reinforcement and family training) - it has emphasis on communication and not so much on detachment, although it encourages you to set healthy boundaries for yourself. There is also a book goes along with it: Get Your Loved One Sober, Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, Threatening by Robert Meyers ( you can read reviews on amazon if your interested).

Ixi

Codependency feeds into depression, which creates more codependency and more depression. Al-Anon is absolutely right for you. Worst case scenario? You try a few times and don't like it. No one will make you go back.

You can't make him stop drinking, and you can't make him realize that he's a alcoholic. Don't let his disease becomes yours (I admit I myself am guilty of this sometimes).

Also, as someone who has dealt with depression--it is not okay that your BF discounts your feelings like that and tries to "talk you out of" being depressed. I'm not one to talk someone out of a relationship, but you need to really ask yourself why you're with him. You are young, presumably without kids with him--do you really want to build your life around an alcoholic in denial?

honeypig

Whether or not your boyfriend is an A (and I would say that he is, IMHO), it doesn't sound like you are happy with your life or the relationship. HE doesn't get to dictate what YOU should be happy with. You have every right to seek out ways to make yourself happy and to live the life you want to live. If that DOESN'T happen to be living w/someone who discounts your feelings, who can scarcely wait to check out mentally and emotionally each evening, then yes, I'd say Alanon is for you.

At Alanon, the focus will be all on YOU and how you can feel better and live better. Yes, there are many references to a "higher power" and "God as we understood him", but there is no requirement for a specific religious belief of any kind. Alanon has agnostics, atheists, Buddhists, etc. All that is required is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a friend or family member. Here's a link to find a meeting. http://www.al-anon.org/

I would also urge you to try several meetings, as another poster has said. Different meetings can have very different flavors and formats; you may find a place you feel comfortable right away and it might take a few tries. And again, as the other poster mentioned, if you go several times and find you don't like it, no one will force you to return. As I have heard said at some meetings, Alanon isn't for those who need it, it's for those who want it. As they also say at Alanon, take what you like and leave the rest. All your choice, all up to you.

You've made a great decision in coming to SR--the more you can read here (including the stickies at the top of the page, a lot of good stuff there!) the more you'll learn about what alcoholism is and how you can handle things. Here's a thread from there you might find helpful: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

You'll see things much more clearly as time goes by, and you'll know what is right for you to do.

m1k3

Hi and welcome! The best answer to your question is maybe. I have gone for almost 3 years now even though I don't attend very often any more.

I am an agnostic and halfassed Budhist. Some meetings can have a religious flavor to them but many not so much. As for a higher power mine is " I don't know " which works quite well for me.

I never had a sponsor nor worked the steps other than step 1. To me it was primarily group therapy, much like this forum.

You may or may not like it but it doesn't hurt to try it.

Your friend,

Recovering2

AlAnon would most certainly be a big help for you. As has been mentioned, try a few different meetings initially. You'll find one that fits your need. Every meeting and group is a little different. In mine, we may speak of a Higher Power but what that means is different for everyone. To me, it just means that I realize that I am not my Higher Power! You will hear "Take what you like and leave the rest" alot in meetings. So use what works for you, and leave the rest. No one will judge either way. It doesn't cost anything, and will take an hour of your time. What do you have to lose?

TigersFoundMe

Thank you for your replies. I would feel more comfortable with private therapy than Al-Anon, but I can't quite afford that level of personal treatment right now. I think everyone's right in suggesting that I try Al-Anon because, worst case scenario, I can stop attending if I don't like it. I'm a little scared because I don't really know what to expect, but I think I would benefit from biting the bullet and just going to a few meetings.

Allforcnm, thank you for the book suggestion. The reviews online are very intriguing; I purchased this book online last night and really look forward to reading it.

Honeypig, thank you for the link to the thread about "10 ways family members can help a loved one with a drug or alcohol problem". I'm just starting to educate myself on this disease and that thread is a great place to start.

M1k3, sometimes I forget that "I don't know" is a perfectly acceptable answer to all sorts of questions. Thank you for reminding me.

I really appreciate everyone's knowledge and experience. Thank you all for your help!

Recovering2

Know that every person walking into that first meeting is a little scared. I was terrified. Sat in the car and never went in to my first meeting. Cried through the first several meetings I actually made it to. But I found that every meeting I would hear one thing....one pearl....that meant something to me. And that kept me coming back. A year later, my life is very different thanks to the people in those meetings who share themselves.

allforcnm

That's great - I hope you find it helpful. It does take a bit of practice, but CRAFT has excellent results (approx. 70% success rate) in getting loved ones into treatment. Its endorsed by National Institute of Drug Abuse, Partnership Drug Free America to name just a few. I will send you a p. message with a few links that have additional info on it.

honeypig

TigersFoundMe, there are a number of threads in this section of the forum about people's experiences with Alanon, what to expect, what their first meeting was like, etc. If you have some time to search, you might find these helpful.

When you go to your first meeting, please do post and let us know how things went, OK? I'm guessing you'll find it to be a worthwhile use of an hour of your time.

Hang in!