Ixi

My RABF and I had a conversation today about the societal pressure to drink, especially with Thanksgiving coming up (we're from Wisconsin, and I have to say, the stereotypes exist for a reason). We went to lunch with my family a few months ago and he felt uncomfortable being the only one who didn't get a beer. He told me today that I could have been his "wingman" and gotten a soda too so he didn't feel so uncomfortable (my mom actually asked why he wasn't drinking). My gut reaction to this was "I'm not the alcoholic, why should I change a damn thing?"

He's about 2 months sober after a relapse, and I think I carried that relapse too much. Now I worry that maybe I've gone too far in the other direction and become callous. For those who have dealt with a recovering loved one--where do you draw the line between being supportive and putting their recovery on your shoulders?

I know I need to get to an al-anon meeting. Unfortunately, free time is hard to come by (I'm a law student). Until then, any advice is appreciated.

nbay2013

I don't know if this is stating the obvious, but wouldn't the most simple thing to do, is for him to tell the folks he can't drink due to alcoholism? And that he is clean and sober?

Ixi

Of course, but that doesn't mean he will do it. He lost his job about 6 months ago, and it took him months to tell my parents about that. I've told him that I would have no problem with him telling them everything, but he doesn't want to lose their respect. Unemployed alcoholic (even if he's sober) sounds pretty bad, especially all within 6 months.

He's also dealing with some insecurity over the fact that everything in my life is looking up and he feels like he's holding me back, and he doesn't want my parents to think I'm too good for him--but that's another story altogether, and I think something he needs to work out on his own. Short story is my parents love him and he wants to keep it that way.

nbay2013

Yes, pride can really lead to a lot of secrets. I admire people who quit drinking AND do a support program so I also admire people who are open about their sobriety. Shame and worry about people's judgement can really mess with one's head and sobriety. In answer to your question? It's his decision to keep the secret and that truly is his right. But when he starts to choreograph how that looks and it should be played out, with your being his wing man for appearances then it crosses the line a bit. But if he is generally honest otherwise, and you only see the folks every few months, then it's no big deal in my opinion.

getthere

I split up with my partner 4 weeks ago,i kept his secret ,only my closest friend knew,and those living at home obviously.big mistake,it only enabled him to go drinking in secret for longer,its a fine line ,hindsight is great

honeypig

Even if he has to be less than honest in order to do so? He wants to be "loved" even if what is "loved" is not real or true? This way of thinking, coupled with his desire for you to not drink so as to make him "less noticeable", would raise some red flags for me.

In your shoes, I'd feel that he might be setting things up to tie his recovery's success to MY actions. I'd be a little leery, even if he seems to be doing well in recovery so far. This seems like questionable thinking to me.

Recovering2

Is he working a recovery program...or just not drinking? I ask because if he's got a recovery plan, seems he would see the need to be honest about who he is. My BF felt a lot of shame about letting his truth out. What he learned is that friends/family were proud of his decision to get sober and were very supportive. I would hope your parents would be open and supportive if he comes clean to them.

Having said that, isn't is sad that people always question someone when they opt to not drink alcohol?? Your BF is early in his sobriety, and sounds like he's already relapsed once. I can understand why he would like the 2 of you to be sober together socially. My BF is a year sober, and I still will not drink around him. I can have a drink when I"m out with my own friends if I choose. But in his company, I prefer to support his sobriety by remaining sober myself. I have found it makes us stronger as a couple.

readerbaby71

I don't know, there is something to be said for privacy, especially if you know certain people are judgmental and/or will try to sabotage your sobriety. No one "owes" an explanation about why they don't drink. My father's not an alcoholic, but doesn't drink. When people offer him alcoholic drinks he simply says, "no thanks, I don't drink." Imo it's a personal choice that is just that, personal.

That said, I don't think others should modify their behavior (whether to drink or not) around someone who's abstaining. If you want to do it to support your BF, that should be your choice. He can't expect you to do it just because he's not drinking.

Ixi

Recovering2--He is doing a sort of group therapy follow-up through where he went to detox. It's three times a week for three hours, but I don't know what type of program they follow. Once he finishes that up he plans to start going to AA regularly. I hope he can reach the place your boyfriend is. Right now he feels a lot of shame. When I congratulated him on 2 months sober he told me he didn't want to be congratulated. I'm hoping he can find a good sponsor in AA who can help him work out his guilt.

readerbaby--I absolutely agree, but he doesn't see it that way. He's very health-conscious (believe it or not, a health-conscious alcoholic), so I think people would readily accept that he just chose not to drink. But he's still in this kind of paranoid, but what if people find out?? type of mode. Either way, I think it's a personal choice on whether to disclose that, and I won't push it. All I can do is tell him I'm not ashamed and I'm okay with him telling people.

CarryOn

RAH had a long period of sobriety before his recent relapse. I'm not much of a drinker so I generally did not drink around him. If I wanted to, I would usually tell him and be sure that he felt comfortable with me doing so (yes, maybe a bit codie, but also respectful to him). I totally get why an RA would want a friend or partner to be sober with them when others are drinking - alcohol tends to affect everyone's behaviors so being around others that are drinking when you are not can get very annoying very quickly.

My mom has already said there will be no alcohol at Thanksgiving this year - they are aware of RAH's situation and respect his sobriety and do not want to be a trigger. Again, codie, but that was her decision and as my family tends not to be drinkers it's not really an issue.

I too agree that an RA able to be open about their situation is positive, and I do believe that most people respond positively when they learn of someone's efforts to address their problems. However, I can also understand not wanting to broadcast it to everyone - including a gf's parents just before the holidays.

Sorry if I'm rambling...I guess I'm saying I do see both sides to these issues and you need to decide what works for you.

readerbaby71

How kind and considerate of your mom to support your husband. I don't drink around my BF. I think it's a matter of choosing to be supportive, not codependent.

nbay2013

I agree. Supportive is different than co-dependent. My Ex-AB was supportive of my diabetes by not eating certain foods around me and having food on hand I can eat at his house. Or finding restaurants that had healthy choices. This is supportive.

I rarely drank around my ex-ab.

ru12

If I were in his shoes I'd probably just skip going to the gathering. He is in early sobriety. I found it best to avoid being around drinking people for a good long spell.

Ixi

He told me early on, without me asking, that he is totally okay with me drinking around him and that he will just feel guilty if I change my habits for him. Apparently seeing other people drinking isn't a trigger--he was more of a "wallow alone in self-pity" drinker than a social one. This conversation was particularly in the context of drinking around other people so he doesn't "stick out."

Thanks very much for the responses, everyone. They have given me a lot to think about.

meggem

I can only share my experience. Before my RA went to rehab in October - he had many broken promises of not drinking. If I would drink,he would take it personally and make it out be and can't i see he is trying and here i come home with wine - we were in a very tumultuous spot and A. I had no respect or regard for his pretend attempts nor was I going to play along any more than I had. So we fought about it and I think he took the attitude of well why should I even bother.

Last night we were out to Ruby Tuesday and I said I'd really like a glass of wine - I was just saying it in jest - He said 'have one" - don't change you life for me. There is a difference here. You can. I can't. I asked if it would make him uncomfortable - he said if you want a glass of wine have one. As if he was being accountable for him and him only. So...I had the glass of wine. And nothing bad happened. I was proud of him. He took ownership for all of himself and didn't project it onto me..