Life after rehab?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 38
Life after rehab?
My AH is now out of rehab. He completed 21 days of inpatient. However, based on my conversations with him both in and out of rehab, I don't sense a real change in his attitude or his perception of the damage he has caused to our marriage and his other relationships. We are separated, I filed back in September, and due to his threatening behavior before entering rehab, including trying to break into my house late at night with a sledgehammer (he STILL contends that I should've just let him in that night) and threatening to kidnap our child, I had to file for a protection order.
Of course now that he is out of rehab, he keeps pushing me to either drop the protection order or asks me to bend or break the rules for him. Of course I tell I don't want to and that he needs to respect the boundaries set in place by the protection order. He of course asserts that the protection order isn't needed, that he's fine. I am quick to remind him that it has only been a month since he was bashing in my door with a sledgehammer. He of course tries to give the impression that he's "cured."
What's worse, I know he has hacked into more of my online accounts. Nothing financial, but just the meaningless ones I didn't think to change the password to because I don't really use them. Some may remember he hacked into my account on here during his last relapse. And now he is trying to use that information to manipulate me--as if I wouldn't find out that he did it!
He keeps pushing for me to work on our marriage and every time I tell him it is going to take a long time for me to get over the things he has done to me over the last several years of his alcoholism, and especially over the things he did to me in just the last few months, he is quick to blame "the disease" or "the alcohol." I am fully aware that alcoholism is a disease. I have read countless books on it over the past year to try to figure out a way to help him, I have gone to Alanon meetings, I am seeing a counselor of my own, and yet, he says I "am not accepting of the fact that it is a disease."
Am I wrong to still feel hurt and betrayed over the horrible things he did? NO! I don't think I will ever be able to trust him again and he expects me to just flip a switch because he completed 21 days in rehab after being a drunk for how many years?!
I recognize that I have fallen into the textbook example of a codependent spouse of an addict, which is why I am seeking my own counseling. Unfortunately, my AH knows that as well and knows that one of my weaknesses is my niceness, which I get from my dad--whom he is also manipulating.
I guess what I am trying to figure out is how to manage this. I want to keep things civil for the sake of our child. However, his constant pushing, manipulating, and complete disregard for my wishes and the protection order make it difficult. Also, the codependent in me doesn't want to do anything that may cause him to go over the edge (I know, I know, only he can make himself drink), but I feel that way for two reasons. 1) Of course I want him to be healthy and 2) I don't want to have live in fear of him showing up at my house in the middle of the night again or anywhere else for that matter threatening me. I have never been more scared in my life. Of course he claims he would never hurt me, but he didn't see himself. I saw him, eyes glazes over, like he was somewhere else, holding the sledgehammer.
I want to draw a hard line, but I am afraid of being cruel.
Of course now that he is out of rehab, he keeps pushing me to either drop the protection order or asks me to bend or break the rules for him. Of course I tell I don't want to and that he needs to respect the boundaries set in place by the protection order. He of course asserts that the protection order isn't needed, that he's fine. I am quick to remind him that it has only been a month since he was bashing in my door with a sledgehammer. He of course tries to give the impression that he's "cured."
What's worse, I know he has hacked into more of my online accounts. Nothing financial, but just the meaningless ones I didn't think to change the password to because I don't really use them. Some may remember he hacked into my account on here during his last relapse. And now he is trying to use that information to manipulate me--as if I wouldn't find out that he did it!
He keeps pushing for me to work on our marriage and every time I tell him it is going to take a long time for me to get over the things he has done to me over the last several years of his alcoholism, and especially over the things he did to me in just the last few months, he is quick to blame "the disease" or "the alcohol." I am fully aware that alcoholism is a disease. I have read countless books on it over the past year to try to figure out a way to help him, I have gone to Alanon meetings, I am seeing a counselor of my own, and yet, he says I "am not accepting of the fact that it is a disease."
Am I wrong to still feel hurt and betrayed over the horrible things he did? NO! I don't think I will ever be able to trust him again and he expects me to just flip a switch because he completed 21 days in rehab after being a drunk for how many years?!
I recognize that I have fallen into the textbook example of a codependent spouse of an addict, which is why I am seeking my own counseling. Unfortunately, my AH knows that as well and knows that one of my weaknesses is my niceness, which I get from my dad--whom he is also manipulating.
I guess what I am trying to figure out is how to manage this. I want to keep things civil for the sake of our child. However, his constant pushing, manipulating, and complete disregard for my wishes and the protection order make it difficult. Also, the codependent in me doesn't want to do anything that may cause him to go over the edge (I know, I know, only he can make himself drink), but I feel that way for two reasons. 1) Of course I want him to be healthy and 2) I don't want to have live in fear of him showing up at my house in the middle of the night again or anywhere else for that matter threatening me. I have never been more scared in my life. Of course he claims he would never hurt me, but he didn't see himself. I saw him, eyes glazes over, like he was somewhere else, holding the sledgehammer.
I want to draw a hard line, but I am afraid of being cruel.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I hope for your own safety, and that of your child, you will keep the protective order in place.
You are not being cruel, no matter how many times he tells you that. He could tell you that the sky is green with pink polka dots, but that does not make it true, right?
Sending hugs!
You are not being cruel, no matter how many times he tells you that. He could tell you that the sky is green with pink polka dots, but that does not make it true, right?
Sending hugs!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Yeah. I guess you have followed maybe some of our Post-Rehab drama.
Looking back it makes all the prior stuff look sane by comparison.
Some typical numbers (but Everyone Varies) -- the next three months get even more whacky. Slopes down to a bottom crazy at about 6 months, and allow a full year for Return to Sanity -- as if there ever was such a thing.
We are getting close to 12 months and Mrs. Hammer is just starting to show return to human behavior and thinking. Not untypical and your guy went in to Rehab Really Whacked. Guess you know that.
Long Road Back.
Keep you prayed up, Do YOUR program. That means YOU and your kid will come out well.
As far as cruel -- Listen and Understand this -- heard it from an A -- Pain Drives [their, the A] Train.
While *we* tend to move towards what *we* think is good, or safe, or rescuing -- A's tend to be motivated by moving away from pain. THAT is how we find each other, yunno.
LET him get his full dose of Pain. Keeps their train moving.
May sound harsh, but I have been praying that God remove ALL the pain Mrs. Hammer has given us (me and the kids), double it and put it back on her -- for her healing.
She had been starting to relapse. NOW a year back she is starting to get real. I am watching her knees buckling a little. I think she is getting a REAL sponsor (but not my problem).
May God remove ALL the pain your A has given you, double it and give it back to him, too.
Looking back it makes all the prior stuff look sane by comparison.
Some typical numbers (but Everyone Varies) -- the next three months get even more whacky. Slopes down to a bottom crazy at about 6 months, and allow a full year for Return to Sanity -- as if there ever was such a thing.
We are getting close to 12 months and Mrs. Hammer is just starting to show return to human behavior and thinking. Not untypical and your guy went in to Rehab Really Whacked. Guess you know that.
Long Road Back.
Keep you prayed up, Do YOUR program. That means YOU and your kid will come out well.
As far as cruel -- Listen and Understand this -- heard it from an A -- Pain Drives [their, the A] Train.
While *we* tend to move towards what *we* think is good, or safe, or rescuing -- A's tend to be motivated by moving away from pain. THAT is how we find each other, yunno.
LET him get his full dose of Pain. Keeps their train moving.
May sound harsh, but I have been praying that God remove ALL the pain Mrs. Hammer has given us (me and the kids), double it and put it back on her -- for her healing.
She had been starting to relapse. NOW a year back she is starting to get real. I am watching her knees buckling a little. I think she is getting a REAL sponsor (but not my problem).
May God remove ALL the pain your A has given you, double it and give it back to him, too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
21 days is nothing when it comes to true recovery. It takes that long for the fog of alcohol to start to lift from their brain. So there is NO way he is "cured" at this point...and he will never be cured. He is in the very early stages of sobriety. It's now that his real work begins. He needs a recovery plan...AA, sponsor, working steps, etc etc. Part of that, eventually, will mean he recognized the damage he's caused. Or he may never get it. But he most certainly doesn't get it yet at 21 days.
You are smart to keep your guard up and keep that order of protection. It doesn't matter what he says....it's his actions over the next year that will speak the truth. If he wants to show you he's changing, then he can respect your boundaries and do his own work. You are NOT cruel to keep boundaries. And NOTHING you do will cause him to relapse. HE is responsible for his sobriety...not you.
You are smart to keep your guard up and keep that order of protection. It doesn't matter what he says....it's his actions over the next year that will speak the truth. If he wants to show you he's changing, then he can respect your boundaries and do his own work. You are NOT cruel to keep boundaries. And NOTHING you do will cause him to relapse. HE is responsible for his sobriety...not you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
I think you need to seriously consider changing your phone number or at the very least blocking his calls. BTW, doesn't the protection order (PO)include phone calls and texts? You may be thinking that you are doing this for your child but don't you think this constant battle over the PO is causing more stress in your life and therefore your child's life?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I want to draw a hard line, but I am afraid of being cruel.
Guilt and manipulation are cruel weapons used against us for someone else's selfishness.
Now is that you? Or is that the other person in this relationship?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Brisbane QLD
Posts: 53
Dear SpouseRecovery,
I am a recovering AH, if my wife had to go through what you are going through she would had left me a long time ago.
Love and support is returned by respect. He should give you and your child space and time while he sorts himself out to gain back that respect that may earn
You back eventually.
Please keep the PO in place and stay safe
I am a recovering AH, if my wife had to go through what you are going through she would had left me a long time ago.
Love and support is returned by respect. He should give you and your child space and time while he sorts himself out to gain back that respect that may earn
You back eventually.
Please keep the PO in place and stay safe
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
You know what? He'll get over it all in the end BUT... if you drop the order, let him come back and pick up with the crazy train where he left it idling, will you get over it? I think not...
There is so much pain, anger and grief left in the wake of an active, out of control alcoholic. I don't care who ya are! It's mind blowing! I don't even think I could go another round with my husband after what he did and I still carry anger and resentment over his escapades! I am slowly processing it.
I will tell you though that I will never forget those glazed over eyes in a blacked out state while he was on a rampage. When that became apparent, the dogs and I would leave with anything I could carry out of the house which would be work clothes and my boots!
Stick to your plan (PO) and move on. Better things await you! I am a firm believer that he will drink with or without you by his side even if he did the 21 days. I say big effin deal a-hole! One thing I've really laid the hammer (sorry Hammer) down on is consequences. They. Should. Be. Felt. AND. Dealt. Him losing you is a consequence to HIM drinking! Cause to me at least, it sounds like you're over it... as you should be.
There is so much pain, anger and grief left in the wake of an active, out of control alcoholic. I don't care who ya are! It's mind blowing! I don't even think I could go another round with my husband after what he did and I still carry anger and resentment over his escapades! I am slowly processing it.
I will tell you though that I will never forget those glazed over eyes in a blacked out state while he was on a rampage. When that became apparent, the dogs and I would leave with anything I could carry out of the house which would be work clothes and my boots!
Stick to your plan (PO) and move on. Better things await you! I am a firm believer that he will drink with or without you by his side even if he did the 21 days. I say big effin deal a-hole! One thing I've really laid the hammer (sorry Hammer) down on is consequences. They. Should. Be. Felt. AND. Dealt. Him losing you is a consequence to HIM drinking! Cause to me at least, it sounds like you're over it... as you should be.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Upsetnneedhelp 
Boxin, consequences don't always change an alcoholic or addicts behavior. That is part of the disease. Drinking despite adverse consequences.
But mommydaddy/sister/brother/wife/hubby/son/daughter (on and on) and Trying to Rescue the A from the pain and consequences NEVER changes the A or A's behavior.
The address on the package full of Pain and Consequence clearly says:
To: Mr. or Ms. A.
It does not say:
To: mommy'daddy/sister/brother/wife/hubby'son/daughter
Let the A pick up and open their own package.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by Upsetnneedhelp
Boxin, consequences don't always change an alcoholic or addicts behavior. That is part of the disease. Drinking despite adverse consequences.
Mr. Wonderful is still paying his dues.
Every time the mail man comes, he's got a letter for Mr. A.
Not my problem now is it?
If he was doing the right thing and not living like a total whacked out lunatic on 2 pints of vodka a day, he'd have far less packages from Mr. Mail Man.
I'm not going to sit here and let him play all *Mr. I Have A Disease* and that's why I act like an Idiot so will you please call the Insurance Co and get this bill taken care of because my disease is calling... It's 5 o'clock somewhere.
No.
Here's your *package*.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 38
Well now it seems he has relapsed. Didn't even make it a week. Of course he is spinning lies fast enough to make me dizzy, but thus is the pattern. After being married to him for so long and having dealt with addiction in my family with siblings before, it still always amazes me how good at lying addicts think they are. No matter how whacked out they may be, they still command the ability to manipulate, lie, and scheme. I just hope he finds the help he needs before it's too late. I have our daughter to think about and I cannot be that help right now by welcoming that kind of behavior into our home. Now I just worry how fast the sheriffs can get here the next time he decides to bash in my door with a sledgehammer.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Spouse - I'm so sorry you are going through all of this, I know how disappointing it is. You sound like you are focused on taking care of you & DD & I think that is the very best thing you can do.
Sending you lots & lots of positive thoughts, strength & love today!!!
Sending you lots & lots of positive thoughts, strength & love today!!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi everyone,
Several posts have been removed as violating Rule 4. Personal attacks are not appropriate. If you feel the need to debate recovery consequences and circumstances, please do so in Private Messages. Arguing on someone else's thread takes attention away from the Original Poster's question.
__________________________________________________ _______________________
Hi SpouseRecovery,
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband...I hope you are taking every precaution possible to stay safe! Perhaps a pre-emptive call to the police to let them know that he has relapsed?
Sending hugs! S
Several posts have been removed as violating Rule 4. Personal attacks are not appropriate. If you feel the need to debate recovery consequences and circumstances, please do so in Private Messages. Arguing on someone else's thread takes attention away from the Original Poster's question.
__________________________________________________ _______________________
Hi SpouseRecovery,
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband...I hope you are taking every precaution possible to stay safe! Perhaps a pre-emptive call to the police to let them know that he has relapsed?
Sending hugs! S
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