Mixed emotions
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Mixed emotions
My AH and myself moved overseas 6 years ago for what was meant to be 'our dream'. I don't think he was an A at that point as he worked offshore and had to be dry every 6 weeks.
Five years ago he retired and looking back, since that time it has been a downward spiral. I have always been a busy person and have done various jobs to earn some extra cash, however, as AH had retired, he felt he has done his time and wouldn't even really help or sort things around our home. After many binges over the years (which I stupidly hid from his family as I thought I could help him, I now know I couldn't) his family are now on board.
After a spell in hospital to detox last December, he then went nearly 7 months without a drink. He did go to AA a few times, but thought he was not the same as they were. He started drinking again, just a couple of beers at first but since then it returned to him hiding the bottles and cans at home and spending weeks at a time drunk and in bed. I stupidly gave up my jobs so we could spend more time together, in the hope he would not go back to the bingeing, but he would hide booze even when I was in the house.
After reading this forum I decided a couple of weeks ago that it was time for me to detach myself, so I have been doing my own thing and getting on with my life. After his last episode his family tricked him into returning home and he is now on another recovery programme with his doctor. He has said all the right things to his family, but he has said these things to me many times!
So he is surrounded by his family who of course want to help him 'get better' but from my understanding alcoholism isn't something you can get better from?
Anyway, I am left here on my own, trying to fix up the house as winter is on it's way and doing all the jobs he should have done, which I am feeling angry about. He is spending quality time with his family and I am left clearing up the mess once again. Maybe I am jealous as I have lost both my parents?
Why is it that everyone is running around after him and no one cares about me? I did go to my first alanon meeting this week, which was helpful. Perhaps I am just feeling sorry for myself?
I understand that he has to put his recovery first, and I must also do the same, easier said than done right now.
Five years ago he retired and looking back, since that time it has been a downward spiral. I have always been a busy person and have done various jobs to earn some extra cash, however, as AH had retired, he felt he has done his time and wouldn't even really help or sort things around our home. After many binges over the years (which I stupidly hid from his family as I thought I could help him, I now know I couldn't) his family are now on board.
After a spell in hospital to detox last December, he then went nearly 7 months without a drink. He did go to AA a few times, but thought he was not the same as they were. He started drinking again, just a couple of beers at first but since then it returned to him hiding the bottles and cans at home and spending weeks at a time drunk and in bed. I stupidly gave up my jobs so we could spend more time together, in the hope he would not go back to the bingeing, but he would hide booze even when I was in the house.
After reading this forum I decided a couple of weeks ago that it was time for me to detach myself, so I have been doing my own thing and getting on with my life. After his last episode his family tricked him into returning home and he is now on another recovery programme with his doctor. He has said all the right things to his family, but he has said these things to me many times!
So he is surrounded by his family who of course want to help him 'get better' but from my understanding alcoholism isn't something you can get better from?
Anyway, I am left here on my own, trying to fix up the house as winter is on it's way and doing all the jobs he should have done, which I am feeling angry about. He is spending quality time with his family and I am left clearing up the mess once again. Maybe I am jealous as I have lost both my parents?
Why is it that everyone is running around after him and no one cares about me? I did go to my first alanon meeting this week, which was helpful. Perhaps I am just feeling sorry for myself?
I understand that he has to put his recovery first, and I must also do the same, easier said than done right now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 36
I understand. You said it. You have to put YOUR recovery first. No one else will do that for you. I'm reminded by my three RAs, wife, son, and daughter, that their recovery is a selfish program. It took a huge measure of unselfishness for me to stay with them thru their years of addiction. I'm working to unlearn all that behavior and focus on ME. I recognize your resentments. I have the same ones. Take care of yourself.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Kavora,
I think resentment about the lack of responsibility and the supportive environment which surrounds an alcoholic in a recovery program is not that uncommon for the spouse left behind. The daily grind of work, house, children, school goes on while the alcoholic gets lifted out of all that to go work on him/herself.
I'd probably be resentful, too....but one thing I do know.
If left untreated, alcoholism will kill. So when my stespon was in treatment (once IOP, once rehab), I kept in mind that even though I felt he was avoiding all of his responsibilities, he was learning tools that would ultimately save his life. For that, I was grateful.
Beyond the alcoholic....
How are you? Did you enjoy the Al-Anon meeting and think you would like to go again? Can you hire someone to help winterize your home or maybe ask a friend to help out?
I think resentment about the lack of responsibility and the supportive environment which surrounds an alcoholic in a recovery program is not that uncommon for the spouse left behind. The daily grind of work, house, children, school goes on while the alcoholic gets lifted out of all that to go work on him/herself.
I'd probably be resentful, too....but one thing I do know.
If left untreated, alcoholism will kill. So when my stespon was in treatment (once IOP, once rehab), I kept in mind that even though I felt he was avoiding all of his responsibilities, he was learning tools that would ultimately save his life. For that, I was grateful.
Beyond the alcoholic....
How are you? Did you enjoy the Al-Anon meeting and think you would like to go again? Can you hire someone to help winterize your home or maybe ask a friend to help out?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Seren,
Thank you for putting things into perspective for me, at least he is still alive and hopefully learning.
I'm okay, thanks for asking, yes I did enjoy the meeting and will be going again. I guess I need to 'man up' as my kids would say :-).
K x
Thank you for putting things into perspective for me, at least he is still alive and hopefully learning.
I'm okay, thanks for asking, yes I did enjoy the meeting and will be going again. I guess I need to 'man up' as my kids would say :-).
K x
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kavora, I understand your resentment. This is a subject that is often expressed by the spouse "left" by the alcoholic. The harsh reality is that there is nothing "fair" about this disease!!! Nothing. No--you aren't just feeling "sorry for yourself" or failing to "man-up". Your resentment is understandable--at least to me, it is. In alanon you can learn enough about yourself to determine if the reality of this disease is something you are willing or able to live with in the very long-term.
If he works his program intensely---the way it is intended--he may show changes after a while (months). It all depends on how committed he is to lifetime sobriety.
The voices of experience all seem to say that the couples who have a chance to make it (happily) are the ones where BOTH work their own programs of recovery. Who knew?!
dandylion
If he works his program intensely---the way it is intended--he may show changes after a while (months). It all depends on how committed he is to lifetime sobriety.
The voices of experience all seem to say that the couples who have a chance to make it (happily) are the ones where BOTH work their own programs of recovery. Who knew?!
dandylion
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