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Hi Karen. I will just say that it sounds like you are getting good responses here. We are glad you are here and hope you keep coming back! You are not alone in this!
My AH too has cut back although of late it has escalated again for various reasons. Problem is, there will always be various reasons. I have realized I cannot rely on him to change his actions at all, so I am changing mine!
Good Luck and God Bless!
My AH too has cut back although of late it has escalated again for various reasons. Problem is, there will always be various reasons. I have realized I cannot rely on him to change his actions at all, so I am changing mine!
Good Luck and God Bless!
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Originally Posted by karen8182 
Thank you all for the input, it was so helpful to read these comments. I think what I struggle with the most is that if you look at how much my husband drank before he met me until today, it is significantly less (after years of me encouraging him to cut back). He still drinks too much in my opinion but every year that goes by I see him decreasing the amount he drinks on average. Right now an average week he is probably sober 2 night, has a couple beers 3 nights and drinks too much 2 nights. This is down from before I met him where he would get drunk every night.
He did drink, almost daily, but it was only "occasionally" that there was a "problem."
I walked on egg shells about his drinking though, every day. I never knew what day might be the problem.
When there were problems they were significant. Yes it might be less.
For me I finally had to realize that his drinking was impacting me, all the time even when it might only impact him two days a week.
Even though it is less does it impact you Karen?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: California
Posts: 6
Refiner - He thinks he has a problem, but he doesn't think it is as bad as I make it out to be. I think he would want to cut back if I wasn't around but wouldn't be able to find the motivation to. It is a hard question to answer because I think it is combination of both.
LifeRecovery - It does impact me, but mostly when I know we are going to something that it is socially acceptable to get drunk like a wedding or something. Before those events I have so much anxiety and I keep prepping him for it, like make sure you eat, drink water, don't do shots, and he is totally on board. But eventually it always ends the same way, with him drunk. And then the next day when I talk to him about it, he thinks I am overreacting because lots of other people were drunk too. It is mostly just social situations where I get anxiety because generally when it is just us two at home, it doesn't get out of control. That being said, I cringe when I hear him crack open a beer on Sunday morning for football.
LifeRecovery - It does impact me, but mostly when I know we are going to something that it is socially acceptable to get drunk like a wedding or something. Before those events I have so much anxiety and I keep prepping him for it, like make sure you eat, drink water, don't do shots, and he is totally on board. But eventually it always ends the same way, with him drunk. And then the next day when I talk to him about it, he thinks I am overreacting because lots of other people were drunk too. It is mostly just social situations where I get anxiety because generally when it is just us two at home, it doesn't get out of control. That being said, I cringe when I hear him crack open a beer on Sunday morning for football.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 34
I'm fairly new here too, but everyone has been so supportive and have given me great strength in the short time I've been here. What I have to say will probably not be that welcome to some, but I have to tell you that when I was dating my husband, everyone kept warning me that he wasn't right for me and I didn't listen. My inner heart knew he was so wrong, but I couldn't separate myself from him because my huge fear of abandonment was too great and I simply would not ever allow myself to let it happen. Someone said to me then that the single most important thing you will do in life is choose a mate, so choose the RIGHT one. One who is the RIGHT husband and the RIGHT father for your children. What I did was choose the WRONG one and with that, I now have a child who has a terrible dad. I love my daughter more than anything in the world, but if I could go back, I'd break up with him like I tried to so many times and end the crazy need to help him with his pain. Alcoholics have huge inner pain. I understand that all now.
Bringing a child into an alcoholic family dynamic, in my opinion, is very tragic. There may not be outright issues like abuse or falling down drunk instances, but the effects are there even when they're subtle. My AH left 3 weeks ago and I probably wouldn't ever have left him because I was never strong enough to do so, but now that he's gone, I'm FINALLY realizing that it's the best for all of us. My daughter is only 9, but recently said to me, "Mom, you deserve someone who will treat you right. Dad didn't do that." Kids know what's going on. Some internalize it and act out and some will come right out and tell you like mine did, but I know they all realize what's happening. The whole thing sucks, but I guess what I'm trying to say is you have to decide for yourself whether having a child with him is the RIGHT thing to do for you AND your potential son/daughter who will have him as a dad. Good luck with whatever you decide! I wish you the very best in life!
Bringing a child into an alcoholic family dynamic, in my opinion, is very tragic. There may not be outright issues like abuse or falling down drunk instances, but the effects are there even when they're subtle. My AH left 3 weeks ago and I probably wouldn't ever have left him because I was never strong enough to do so, but now that he's gone, I'm FINALLY realizing that it's the best for all of us. My daughter is only 9, but recently said to me, "Mom, you deserve someone who will treat you right. Dad didn't do that." Kids know what's going on. Some internalize it and act out and some will come right out and tell you like mine did, but I know they all realize what's happening. The whole thing sucks, but I guess what I'm trying to say is you have to decide for yourself whether having a child with him is the RIGHT thing to do for you AND your potential son/daughter who will have him as a dad. Good luck with whatever you decide! I wish you the very best in life!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Originally Posted by karen8182
Thank you all for the input, it was so helpful to read these comments. I think what I struggle with the most is that if you look at how much my husband drank before he met me until today, it is significantly less (after years of me encouraging him to cut back). He still drinks too much in my opinion but every year that goes by I see him decreasing the amount he drinks on average. Right now an average week he is probably sober 2 night, has a couple beers 3 nights and drinks too much 2 nights. This is down from before I met him where he would get drunk every night.
I had the same false hope as you, for the same reasons. But, that's all it is. It doesn't matter whether he's physically or just mentally dependent on alcohol, and it doesn't matter if he's drinking less now than he did when you met. If it's causing a problem in your relationship then it is a problem. That's the conclusion I've finally come to after going round and round with myself over whether my husband is really an alcoholic or not.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Originally Posted by karen8182
"He thinks he has a problem, but he doesn't think it is as bad as I make it out to be."
"And then the next day when I talk to him about it, he thinks I am overreacting"
"And then the next day when I talk to him about it, he thinks I am overreacting"
And imho after getting a drunk on he thinks you're overreacting the next day -- he most likely doesn't remember anything anyway! And doesn't realize the anxiety he puts you through. Hang in there. Glad you found this forum!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Before those events I have so much anxiety and I keep prepping him for it, like make sure you eat, drink water, don't do shots, and he is totally on board. But eventually it always ends the same way, with him drunk.
So you are trying to control events over which you ultimately have no control. Have you tried Alanon yet?
So you are trying to control events over which you ultimately have no control. Have you tried Alanon yet?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: christiansburg va
Posts: 8
Hello and welcome
Hello Karen and welcome,
I am new here too.. I was in a realtionship with an ABF who always made promises he never kept !! So don't expect him to change or to keep his promises. Mine would always be sorry after geting drunk and want to try again. Though I have now left him the pain continues.
You have to think of yourself and do what is right for you. You are wanting kids, but do you want them to suffer as you are?? Just something to think about.
I wish you the best and I am so grateful that I found this sight. It has made me see the nasty truth and that I needed to take care of myself. I hope you can find the help here you are looking for. May I also sugest seeing a therapist. Having someone to talk to and help you work through things can be very helpfull..
We are here to hold you up!!
I am new here too.. I was in a realtionship with an ABF who always made promises he never kept !! So don't expect him to change or to keep his promises. Mine would always be sorry after geting drunk and want to try again. Though I have now left him the pain continues.
You have to think of yourself and do what is right for you. You are wanting kids, but do you want them to suffer as you are?? Just something to think about.
I wish you the best and I am so grateful that I found this sight. It has made me see the nasty truth and that I needed to take care of myself. I hope you can find the help here you are looking for. May I also sugest seeing a therapist. Having someone to talk to and help you work through things can be very helpfull..
We are here to hold you up!!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
It does impact me, but mostly when I know we are going to something that it is socially acceptable to get drunk like a wedding or something. Before those events I have so much anxiety and I keep prepping him for it, like make sure you eat, drink water, don't do shots, and he is totally on board. But eventually it always ends the same way, with him drunk. And then the next day when I talk to him about it, he thinks I am overreacting because lots of other people were drunk too. It is mostly just social situations where I get anxiety because generally when it is just us two at home, it doesn't get out of control. That being said, I cringe when I hear him crack open a beer on Sunday morning for football.
sounds like a babysitting job and one you aren't really successful at! i don't mean that deragatorily, but NEITHER of you can CONTROL his drinking. once he starts, he opens pandora's box. all the coaching in the world won't work.
you say he is maybe sober TWO nites a week now? my, that must be so nice. NOT. when you say sober those 2 nites do you mean sober as in DID NOT A DRINK A DROP of ALCOHOL, or do you mean drinking but coherent?
you don't have a relationship. you are held hostage to HIS problem. trying with all your might to fix HIS problem. and it's not working.
you say that when you met he was drunk every night. and now, some years later (i'm guessing), he actually has a night or two where he is NOT drunk. let's chart that out......if he kept up at that rate of a TAPER, you're looking at DECADES yet to go.
bless you for not bringing children into this. now you have to decide...is this good enough for you? is this REALLY living life to it's fullest? is this your purpose in life?
and by the way, is it REALLY acceptable to attend someone's nuptials and get drunk? isn't that really insulting to the happy couple if you think about it? hi, just here for the booze......
sounds like a babysitting job and one you aren't really successful at! i don't mean that deragatorily, but NEITHER of you can CONTROL his drinking. once he starts, he opens pandora's box. all the coaching in the world won't work.
you say he is maybe sober TWO nites a week now? my, that must be so nice. NOT. when you say sober those 2 nites do you mean sober as in DID NOT A DRINK A DROP of ALCOHOL, or do you mean drinking but coherent?
you don't have a relationship. you are held hostage to HIS problem. trying with all your might to fix HIS problem. and it's not working.
you say that when you met he was drunk every night. and now, some years later (i'm guessing), he actually has a night or two where he is NOT drunk. let's chart that out......if he kept up at that rate of a TAPER, you're looking at DECADES yet to go.
bless you for not bringing children into this. now you have to decide...is this good enough for you? is this REALLY living life to it's fullest? is this your purpose in life?
and by the way, is it REALLY acceptable to attend someone's nuptials and get drunk? isn't that really insulting to the happy couple if you think about it? hi, just here for the booze......
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: California
Posts: 6
Sheryl and Delusional- I have decided, and made it clear to him I won't have children until he gets his drinking under control. However, when I married him, I was aware he had a drinking problem when I made those vows, so I wouldn't leave him. I also know if I told him I was leaving him he would quit to keep me around, but I don't think that is the right way to approach this, so right now I am trying to help him with his issues the best I can.
JustAGirl - I agree with you, he is definitely an alcoholic and it is causing a problem in the relationship. I just struggle how to approach the issue. Although unlike your husband, my husband has never completely quit drinking. He has just drinks less and less each year.
Lady Scribbler - I haven't tried it. I have suggested it a few times but he doesn't want to do it. I obviously can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do but he knows it is something I would like.
Anvil Head - Yes, he is completely sober (not a drop of alcohol a few nights a week). A couple nights he will have one or two beers and then about 2 night a week, usually on the weekends, he will get drunk.
I guess what I struggle with is I see his ability to control himself and I see his inability to control himself. He is capable of just having one beer and stopping. He does that at home or if he ever drives anywhere because he wouldn't risk a DUI. However then I see nights like the weddings or parties I mentioned, he has good intentions but when everyone else is doing shots and getting drunk, then he loses control. Don't get me wrong, I am 100% sure he is an alcoholic, but as many of you mention, I cannot control him, he has to make these decisions for himself.
Once again, I really appreciate everyones support and feedback, it has given me a lot to think about.
JustAGirl - I agree with you, he is definitely an alcoholic and it is causing a problem in the relationship. I just struggle how to approach the issue. Although unlike your husband, my husband has never completely quit drinking. He has just drinks less and less each year.
Lady Scribbler - I haven't tried it. I have suggested it a few times but he doesn't want to do it. I obviously can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do but he knows it is something I would like.
Anvil Head - Yes, he is completely sober (not a drop of alcohol a few nights a week). A couple nights he will have one or two beers and then about 2 night a week, usually on the weekends, he will get drunk.
I guess what I struggle with is I see his ability to control himself and I see his inability to control himself. He is capable of just having one beer and stopping. He does that at home or if he ever drives anywhere because he wouldn't risk a DUI. However then I see nights like the weddings or parties I mentioned, he has good intentions but when everyone else is doing shots and getting drunk, then he loses control. Don't get me wrong, I am 100% sure he is an alcoholic, but as many of you mention, I cannot control him, he has to make these decisions for himself.
Once again, I really appreciate everyones support and feedback, it has given me a lot to think about.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My AH drinks like this. Can go completely sober for weeks and weeks then bam, be drunk a day or two then not again for a while. It's called binge drinking and it definitely goes along with alcoholism.
For my AH it has progressed recently just like most if not all alcoholics do. Don't be so sure if you said you would leave that he would just stop. Most likely he would just begin to hide it which is a whole different level of mistrust and resentments.
My thing is this. While my AH is definitely not drinking every day, I feel the effects of it on myself every single day. Will it be today he drinks? Will he be drinking or sober today? The stress of it is damaging me EVERY DAY. That is why I am not willing to continue in this state of limbo. The stress is not worth it. However, that is my choice for my marriage. Only you can make those for yours.
No matter what path you take, I hope that you get support for YOURSELF in all of this.
Good Luck!
For my AH it has progressed recently just like most if not all alcoholics do. Don't be so sure if you said you would leave that he would just stop. Most likely he would just begin to hide it which is a whole different level of mistrust and resentments.
My thing is this. While my AH is definitely not drinking every day, I feel the effects of it on myself every single day. Will it be today he drinks? Will he be drinking or sober today? The stress of it is damaging me EVERY DAY. That is why I am not willing to continue in this state of limbo. The stress is not worth it. However, that is my choice for my marriage. Only you can make those for yours.
No matter what path you take, I hope that you get support for YOURSELF in all of this.
Good Luck!
Originally Posted by karen8182
Sheryl and Delusional- I have decided, and made it clear to him I won't have children until he gets his drinking under control. However, when I married him, I was aware he had a drinking problem when I made those vows, so I wouldn't leave him. I also know if I told him I was leaving him he would quit to keep me around, but I don't think that is the right way to approach this, so right now I am trying to help him with his issues the best I can.
JustAGirl - I agree with you, he is definitely an alcoholic and it is causing a problem in the relationship. I just struggle how to approach the issue. Although unlike your husband, my husband has never completely quit drinking. He has just drinks less and less each year.
Lady Scribbler - I haven't tried it. I have suggested it a few times but he doesn't want to do it. I obviously can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do but he knows it is something I would like.
Anvil Head - Yes, he is completely sober (not a drop of alcohol a few nights a week). A couple nights he will have one or two beers and then about 2 night a week, usually on the weekends, he will get drunk.
I guess what I struggle with is I see his ability to control himself and I see his inability to control himself. He is capable of just having one beer and stopping. He does that at home or if he ever drives anywhere because he wouldn't risk a DUI. However then I see nights like the weddings or parties I mentioned, he has good intentions but when everyone else is doing shots and getting drunk, then he loses control. Don't get me wrong, I am 100% sure he is an alcoholic, but as many of you mention, I cannot control him, he has to make these decisions for himself.
Once again, I really appreciate everyones support and feedback, it has given me a lot to think about.
JustAGirl - I agree with you, he is definitely an alcoholic and it is causing a problem in the relationship. I just struggle how to approach the issue. Although unlike your husband, my husband has never completely quit drinking. He has just drinks less and less each year.
Lady Scribbler - I haven't tried it. I have suggested it a few times but he doesn't want to do it. I obviously can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do but he knows it is something I would like.
Anvil Head - Yes, he is completely sober (not a drop of alcohol a few nights a week). A couple nights he will have one or two beers and then about 2 night a week, usually on the weekends, he will get drunk.
I guess what I struggle with is I see his ability to control himself and I see his inability to control himself. He is capable of just having one beer and stopping. He does that at home or if he ever drives anywhere because he wouldn't risk a DUI. However then I see nights like the weddings or parties I mentioned, he has good intentions but when everyone else is doing shots and getting drunk, then he loses control. Don't get me wrong, I am 100% sure he is an alcoholic, but as many of you mention, I cannot control him, he has to make these decisions for himself.
Once again, I really appreciate everyones support and feedback, it has given me a lot to think about.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Originally Posted by karen8182
I guess what I struggle with is I see his ability to control himself and I see his inability to control himself. He is capable of just having one beer and stopping. He does that at home or if he ever drives anywhere because he wouldn't risk a DUI. However then I see nights like the weddings or parties I mentioned, he has good intentions but when everyone else is doing shots and getting drunk, then he loses control. Don't get me wrong, I am 100% sure he is an alcoholic, but as many of you mention, I cannot control him, he has to make these decisions for himself.
.
.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Lady Scribbler - I haven't tried it. I have suggested it a few times but he doesn't want to do it. I obviously can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do.
Alanon is for the families of alcoholics. It is not AA. I'm not talking about forcing him to go to an AA meeting. I'm talking about you going to an Alanon meeting. You can do that whether he is drinking or not. He does not have to participate. Alanon is for you.
You keep hanging on, trying to coach him through life, hoping HE will change so that YOU can have the life you want. You say that you can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do, but you keep hoping that your actions will alter the course of his life- like hoping your words will prevent him from getting $hitfaced at weddings and other celebrations. Frankly, that sounds like a recipe for a lifetime of bitterness and resentment. Alanon can help you with that.
Alanon is for the families of alcoholics. It is not AA. I'm not talking about forcing him to go to an AA meeting. I'm talking about you going to an Alanon meeting. You can do that whether he is drinking or not. He does not have to participate. Alanon is for you.
You keep hanging on, trying to coach him through life, hoping HE will change so that YOU can have the life you want. You say that you can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do, but you keep hoping that your actions will alter the course of his life- like hoping your words will prevent him from getting $hitfaced at weddings and other celebrations. Frankly, that sounds like a recipe for a lifetime of bitterness and resentment. Alanon can help you with that.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by karen8182
I also know if I told him I was leaving him he would quit to keep me around,
but I don't think that is the right way to approach this, so right now I am trying to help him with his issues the best I can.
Ever.
Until he is done... he's not done.
It is completely and utterly out of our control. You can have the best intentions and have him smack you in the face with reality that he's just not done drinking.
Karen, He could rip half his head off and not be done.
He has to want it.
We are powerless and until we absolutely grasp that concept, our life will become more manageable.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: California
Posts: 6
Boxin - Thanks for your input. I am a little confused because I know I do not possess the power to completely control his drinking, but it seems like I most definitely have a huge influence. By that I mean he drinks less than half of what he used to when I first met him and I am 100% sure that if I was not in the picture he would've not decreased his drinking at all and maybe even be drinking more.
Is it generally accepted principle that we cannot help alcoholics recover? I am new to reading about it and talking to people in similar situations which is why I am asking. I thought my approach was correct but I guess I need to rethink it.
Is it generally accepted principle that we cannot help alcoholics recover? I am new to reading about it and talking to people in similar situations which is why I am asking. I thought my approach was correct but I guess I need to rethink it.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
We can talk, cajole, beg, scream, threaten, beat our fist, stomp our feet, throw coffee mugs at them, make deals... *insert whatever method you like best* here...
It is on them at the end of the day... or the start of tomorrow if they want to drink or not. It has nothing to do with us wanting to help them. They have to seek their own help. They have to want to go to a beautiful wedding and not get tanked even if someone/everyone else is tanked.
I got my alcoholic to stop drinking! Said no one ever...
It is on them at the end of the day... or the start of tomorrow if they want to drink or not. It has nothing to do with us wanting to help them. They have to seek their own help. They have to want to go to a beautiful wedding and not get tanked even if someone/everyone else is tanked.
I got my alcoholic to stop drinking! Said no one ever...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Karen, So much of this disease is counter-intuitive--the opposite of what "normal" logic would say. Anyone who tries to involve themselves in the alcoholic's relationship with their drink is seen as the enemy. What you call support is seen as interference--and, you wil pay "through the nose" for every good intention.
No one is expected to know this stuff with out education on the subject. The phrase "I didn't KNOW" is used hundreds--if not thousands--of times throughout this forum.
Yes--read and study. Esp. the Stickies at the top of this m ain page. Knowlege is power.
You will find many people, on here, that can testify that having children with an alcoholic is a special k ind of hell.
Hard words, I know. I wish it weren't sooo....but, the truth about this disease is harsh.
dandylion
No one is expected to know this stuff with out education on the subject. The phrase "I didn't KNOW" is used hundreds--if not thousands--of times throughout this forum.
Yes--read and study. Esp. the Stickies at the top of this m ain page. Knowlege is power.
You will find many people, on here, that can testify that having children with an alcoholic is a special k ind of hell.
Hard words, I know. I wish it weren't sooo....but, the truth about this disease is harsh.
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Karen...my thought is this. I too think my AH would drink MORE if I were not around and his children were not around. Do I think by my putting my foot down he would/could completely stop for that reason? Nope. Can you help? Sure, if they want to help themselves first. Can you MAKE THEM DO IT even w/threats to leave? No. That is why no one should make an empty threat to leave because you better be doing that for you, not to motivate the other person to stop....it does not work. Maybe for a short time but not for any long period of time.
If my AH wants to recover I will be there every step of the way but he has to want that for himself.
Good Luck to you!
If my AH wants to recover I will be there every step of the way but he has to want that for himself.
Good Luck to you!
Originally Posted by karen8182
Boxin - Thanks for your input. I am a little confused because I know I do not possess the power to completely control his drinking, but it seems like I most definitely have a huge influence. By that I mean he drinks less than half of what he used to when I first met him and I am 100% sure that if I was not in the picture he would've not decreased his drinking at all and maybe even be drinking more.
Is it generally accepted principle that we cannot help alcoholics recover? I am new to reading about it and talking to people in similar situations which is why I am asking. I thought my approach was correct but I guess I need to rethink it.
Is it generally accepted principle that we cannot help alcoholics recover? I am new to reading about it and talking to people in similar situations which is why I am asking. I thought my approach was correct but I guess I need to rethink it.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,411
Hi Karen and welcome. Glad you chose to join us.
It is unlikely that anyone who is alcoholic can ever be a moderate drinker.
Many of us here and elsewhere have shared stories of our attempts.
A relapse is so very easy and to be married to someone and waiting for it to happen
is no way to spend you life. You cannot control his drinking really. "Influence" is not control.
He can decide to drink as much as he wants at any time. Take my word for it--I was on the other
side as the drinker. I tried to moderate for my spouse for years, but in the end, I had to take control
and accept it was up to me, not him, to stop totally and save our marriage.
I wish you the very best and I appreciate how tough this situation is.
His "cutting back" after years of encouragement from you doesn't sound like he feels he has any real problem.
I think you are very wise to not bring children into this equation.
I grew up with an alcoholic parent, and it was damaging to me both as a child and even now I'm working on many issues from that time.
It is unlikely that anyone who is alcoholic can ever be a moderate drinker.
Many of us here and elsewhere have shared stories of our attempts.
A relapse is so very easy and to be married to someone and waiting for it to happen
is no way to spend you life. You cannot control his drinking really. "Influence" is not control.
He can decide to drink as much as he wants at any time. Take my word for it--I was on the other
side as the drinker. I tried to moderate for my spouse for years, but in the end, I had to take control
and accept it was up to me, not him, to stop totally and save our marriage.
I wish you the very best and I appreciate how tough this situation is.
His "cutting back" after years of encouragement from you doesn't sound like he feels he has any real problem.
I think you are very wise to not bring children into this equation.
I grew up with an alcoholic parent, and it was damaging to me both as a child and even now I'm working on many issues from that time.
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