My story
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: dublin
Posts: 65
My story
Hi Guys.
I have put a couple of threads up recently but not my background,so here goes.might be long and boring.
I grew up in a large household,with a mother that loved babies,but hated children,my dad left when I was five weeks old,my mother put us into care,dad got us out,she then gave us to my dad for a year,took us back,didnt meet my dad again until I was 24,had a stepdad,but not hands on,he was just there.but not caring,no alcohol issues.
Got pregnant at 18,married at 19,to an alcoholic,separated,then widowed at 24,met guy ,had a child with him,he sexually abused my eldest daughter ,left him,had got very busy raising my three children alone,put them through school, college etc.the day before my youngest 16 birthday I went on a date,fell head over heels,my three kids accepted him,called him dad,even though they were not young kids,but he had a SECRET,that was alcohol.
we spent 8 and a half years living together,got to the point he went from a social glass of wine,to secretly drinking straight whisky/vodka,hiding bottles.
Lying about everything.in debt,losing driving licence,did relationship counselling etc,he would say,i am an alcoholic,go to one AA meeting and that was it,got offered a rehab place,wouldnt go. finally I said that's it,WE ARE FINISHED,we split on Saturday,he went into rehab on sunday,been there nearly three weeks,his brother phoned me a couple of times and asked me to phone him,i asked on here,and advise given was NOT to phone him,my friend however advised me to phone him,to help him,but she does not want me to get back with him,she knows everything he put me through and knows I will never get into a relationship with him again,
I phoned him in rehab last night we spoke for half an hour,he now wants me to go to family day at rehab center in December,which ironically is on my AH anniversary,
It will be an 8/9 hour round trip for me to go to it,and I said to him on phone that,i really don't see why I need to here his therapist tell me,that
everything he did,was not his fault,it was his disease,we are finished, what does it matter ,but my friend thinks he might need me to see therapist for HIS recovery,His brother rings saying ExA is lonely,ExA is telling me how hard rehab is for him,nobody to hug him etc,if I don't ring or go to meeting I am the uncaring person.
I now that in time I will be fine,and life will be good ,but right now I am hurting,crying for no reason,needing hugs ,not sleeping, no therapist on hand to talk to etc etc etc.He caused all the pain and heartache,so why do I feel so crap.
I have put a couple of threads up recently but not my background,so here goes.might be long and boring.
I grew up in a large household,with a mother that loved babies,but hated children,my dad left when I was five weeks old,my mother put us into care,dad got us out,she then gave us to my dad for a year,took us back,didnt meet my dad again until I was 24,had a stepdad,but not hands on,he was just there.but not caring,no alcohol issues.
Got pregnant at 18,married at 19,to an alcoholic,separated,then widowed at 24,met guy ,had a child with him,he sexually abused my eldest daughter ,left him,had got very busy raising my three children alone,put them through school, college etc.the day before my youngest 16 birthday I went on a date,fell head over heels,my three kids accepted him,called him dad,even though they were not young kids,but he had a SECRET,that was alcohol.
we spent 8 and a half years living together,got to the point he went from a social glass of wine,to secretly drinking straight whisky/vodka,hiding bottles.
Lying about everything.in debt,losing driving licence,did relationship counselling etc,he would say,i am an alcoholic,go to one AA meeting and that was it,got offered a rehab place,wouldnt go. finally I said that's it,WE ARE FINISHED,we split on Saturday,he went into rehab on sunday,been there nearly three weeks,his brother phoned me a couple of times and asked me to phone him,i asked on here,and advise given was NOT to phone him,my friend however advised me to phone him,to help him,but she does not want me to get back with him,she knows everything he put me through and knows I will never get into a relationship with him again,
I phoned him in rehab last night we spoke for half an hour,he now wants me to go to family day at rehab center in December,which ironically is on my AH anniversary,
It will be an 8/9 hour round trip for me to go to it,and I said to him on phone that,i really don't see why I need to here his therapist tell me,that
everything he did,was not his fault,it was his disease,we are finished, what does it matter ,but my friend thinks he might need me to see therapist for HIS recovery,His brother rings saying ExA is lonely,ExA is telling me how hard rehab is for him,nobody to hug him etc,if I don't ring or go to meeting I am the uncaring person.
I now that in time I will be fine,and life will be good ,but right now I am hurting,crying for no reason,needing hugs ,not sleeping, no therapist on hand to talk to etc etc etc.He caused all the pain and heartache,so why do I feel so crap.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
If you are done, it is okay to be done. You don't owe anyone anything. Your X will recover or not, no matter what you do or don't do. It may take time for others to learn that lesson, but that is not your problem.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
I'm linking back to the thread about the phone call...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ld-you-do.html
And will give the same answer...what will going to see him on family day do for YOU??? You need to be focusing on yourself, not on him. You (& his brother) are hearing a LOT of quacking...you can hug him, you can make him feel better, quack, quack, QUACK!!!!
Seriously, won't someone else in rehab give him a hug if he really needs it?? And nothing you can do is going to make this better - it is all up to him. The sooner he learns that, the better. You've said that you've already made the decision to move on so do so...his life is going to go on regardless of what you do.
I know your friend means well, but to me, dealing with alcoholism is counter-intuitive. When someone has cancer or breaks a leg, you do things to support them...bring them a meal, sit & visit, clean their home, whatever. With alcoholism, you have to turn responsibility for themselves and their lives over to them completely. Would showing your threads & the turmoil that I think we all sense in them help your friend understand how much this is asking of you?
They are pulling you back in to his disease...they are violating the boundary that you set for yourself. This is asking a LOT of you - an 8 or 9 hour drive & a day spent away from things you could be doing for yourself. From the sound of your post, I doubt going will be beneficial to you. Are you going to AlAnon or seeing a therapist for yourself? You really need some support for YOU...someone that understands alcoholism would be very helpful.
Hugs, getthere...it is okay to say no and take care of yourself.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ld-you-do.html
And will give the same answer...what will going to see him on family day do for YOU??? You need to be focusing on yourself, not on him. You (& his brother) are hearing a LOT of quacking...you can hug him, you can make him feel better, quack, quack, QUACK!!!!
Seriously, won't someone else in rehab give him a hug if he really needs it?? And nothing you can do is going to make this better - it is all up to him. The sooner he learns that, the better. You've said that you've already made the decision to move on so do so...his life is going to go on regardless of what you do. I know your friend means well, but to me, dealing with alcoholism is counter-intuitive. When someone has cancer or breaks a leg, you do things to support them...bring them a meal, sit & visit, clean their home, whatever. With alcoholism, you have to turn responsibility for themselves and their lives over to them completely. Would showing your threads & the turmoil that I think we all sense in them help your friend understand how much this is asking of you?
They are pulling you back in to his disease...they are violating the boundary that you set for yourself. This is asking a LOT of you - an 8 or 9 hour drive & a day spent away from things you could be doing for yourself. From the sound of your post, I doubt going will be beneficial to you. Are you going to AlAnon or seeing a therapist for yourself? You really need some support for YOU...someone that understands alcoholism would be very helpful.
Hugs, getthere...it is okay to say no and take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
"No" is a complete answer. Learned that in my own recovery, and have found it to be very useful. If something makes us uncomfortable or violates a boundary we have for ourselves, we can say "no". We don't have to rationalize it, justify or explain it. Just...."no".
If you are done..then you are done (and I agree with your decision). If he wants to get sober and find real recovery, he will do it with or without you. Who is looking out for YOUR best interest here??? Your "friend" is not being a friend if she's asking you to go against what feels right for YOU. I would tell her that you have no desire in discussing this any further, and request that she not bring him up again to you. YOu will soon learn how true a friend she really is.
Leave him to his HP. Move on towards your own healthy life.
If you are done..then you are done (and I agree with your decision). If he wants to get sober and find real recovery, he will do it with or without you. Who is looking out for YOUR best interest here??? Your "friend" is not being a friend if she's asking you to go against what feels right for YOU. I would tell her that you have no desire in discussing this any further, and request that she not bring him up again to you. YOu will soon learn how true a friend she really is.
Leave him to his HP. Move on towards your own healthy life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sounds like you have had ENOUGH addicts/alcoholic/dysfunctional people in your life?? you are not uncaring, you are just DONE. and that is OK! that is when we know we have become autonomous.....when we make our own decisions and do not agonize over what we think somebody MIGHT feel about that decision. when we do what is right FOR US. that is not selfish or uncaring, that is being self contained and aware.
go no contact. for you. for your sanity. no means no. be strong.
go no contact. for you. for your sanity. no means no. be strong.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
You are free to take care of yourself. First. And last. And in-between.
When we say both the alcoholic and the partner need to "walk their own side of the street", it means that we each have to figure out what our own truth is.
Yours is that you are done. His is that he wants you to help him as you have done in the past.
You get to choose what YOU need. No matter what he wants or thinks he needs. Or what anyone else thinks he needs or you "should" do.
Have faith, take care of yourself.
Live your truth.
ShootingStar1
When we say both the alcoholic and the partner need to "walk their own side of the street", it means that we each have to figure out what our own truth is.
Yours is that you are done. His is that he wants you to help him as you have done in the past.
You get to choose what YOU need. No matter what he wants or thinks he needs. Or what anyone else thinks he needs or you "should" do.
Have faith, take care of yourself.
Live your truth.
ShootingStar1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: dublin
Posts: 65
Thank you all,i know I need to look after me,believe me my friend is the most trusting caring person ever,i met her 12 years ago,and am so lucky to have her as a friend.
She totally wants what is best for me.Topic today at ALanon was Isolation,so I was a blubbering mess,but its early days.
I have a question,someone said today that the meeting I go to ,is a topic meeting,how do you know from website if its Topic meeting or 12 step meeting,or are they all the same?,is it same topic in all the meetings that day/week.also where can I find a copy of prayer said at end of meeting?
She totally wants what is best for me.Topic today at ALanon was Isolation,so I was a blubbering mess,but its early days.
I have a question,someone said today that the meeting I go to ,is a topic meeting,how do you know from website if its Topic meeting or 12 step meeting,or are they all the same?,is it same topic in all the meetings that day/week.also where can I find a copy of prayer said at end of meeting?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I have a question, someone said today that the meeting I go to ,is a topic meeting, how do you know from website if its Topic meeting or 12 step meeting, or are they all the same?, is it same topic in all the meetings that day/week. also where can I find a copy of prayer said at end of meeting?
I'll try to answer your questions, at least in part:
Regarding what type of meeting: All Alanon meetings are technically "12 step meetings", as all use the same 12 steps. However, from what I've seen, there are any number of ways a meeting can be structured.
You can have a "topic" meeting, as you saw, where a particular topic is discussed each time. In my experience, a calendar is passed around and people sign up in advance to choose the topic and open the discussion at the meeting that day/night.
Some meetings will read from a particular book, such as the "12 Steps and 12 Traditions", each week and discuss what has been read. Some meetings will discuss a topic one week, then a step the next, then another topic and then a tradition. If it happens to be a month w/5 Mondays, or whatever day the meeting is on, they may have what is called an "open" meeting, on that "extra" day, where there are usually a couple of pre-arranged speakers and no group discussion. At an open meeting, anyone is welcome, whether or not they have a problem of alcoholism in a family member or friend; A's may attend also.
As far as being able to tell from the web site, that will depend on your website. My local website does list details about the various meetings, i.e., childcare available, handicapped accessible, book study, etc. Your site may or may not do this, but if you talk to other folks at the meeting(s) you DO go to, you can find out details about the meetings you have not yet been to. Also, anytime you attend a meeting, people will be more than happy to talk to you about the meeting format if you're curious.
As far as other meetings being "on the same page", so to speak--Alanon meetings are all independent entities as far as what they discuss and when they discuss it, so there's really no telling what may be on the agenda at any given meeting. One thing that I do find, though, is that there are conveniently 12 steps and 12 traditions, and we also happen to have 12 months in the year. Based on this, most meetings that discuss a step/tradition will be doing the one that matches the month of the year--In January, step 1/tradition 1, in August, step 8/tradition 8, and so on.
I've heard a couple of different prayers said at the end of meetings--are you talking about the Serenity Prayer? "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"? Or something else? If you can give us a little bit of it, I bet someone here can help you w/that.
Let me also add this: If/when you want to start working more intensively on the steps and yourself, you will want to get a sponsor. That's just someone who YOU pick to help you along the way, someone who's got a good solid Alanon background and can guide you. What they say is "look for someone who's got what you want", meaning someone you look at and think "Wow, I wish I was so calm/wise/strong/patient/insightful" or whatever qualities you see in them. This is certainly something you can think about when you feel ready, though. Some people get a sponsor very soon after coming to Alanon, others wait much longer, and some never do.
So, gosh, this got pretty long, but I hope you found it helpful. Basically, it boils down to getting yourself to the meetings, listening (and sharing if you wish), reading the literature and talking to folks afterwards. You'll gradually learn all you need to know! So glad you're going, b/c it can help in ways we don't even imagine at the time...
I'll try to answer your questions, at least in part:
Regarding what type of meeting: All Alanon meetings are technically "12 step meetings", as all use the same 12 steps. However, from what I've seen, there are any number of ways a meeting can be structured.
You can have a "topic" meeting, as you saw, where a particular topic is discussed each time. In my experience, a calendar is passed around and people sign up in advance to choose the topic and open the discussion at the meeting that day/night.
Some meetings will read from a particular book, such as the "12 Steps and 12 Traditions", each week and discuss what has been read. Some meetings will discuss a topic one week, then a step the next, then another topic and then a tradition. If it happens to be a month w/5 Mondays, or whatever day the meeting is on, they may have what is called an "open" meeting, on that "extra" day, where there are usually a couple of pre-arranged speakers and no group discussion. At an open meeting, anyone is welcome, whether or not they have a problem of alcoholism in a family member or friend; A's may attend also.
As far as being able to tell from the web site, that will depend on your website. My local website does list details about the various meetings, i.e., childcare available, handicapped accessible, book study, etc. Your site may or may not do this, but if you talk to other folks at the meeting(s) you DO go to, you can find out details about the meetings you have not yet been to. Also, anytime you attend a meeting, people will be more than happy to talk to you about the meeting format if you're curious.
As far as other meetings being "on the same page", so to speak--Alanon meetings are all independent entities as far as what they discuss and when they discuss it, so there's really no telling what may be on the agenda at any given meeting. One thing that I do find, though, is that there are conveniently 12 steps and 12 traditions, and we also happen to have 12 months in the year. Based on this, most meetings that discuss a step/tradition will be doing the one that matches the month of the year--In January, step 1/tradition 1, in August, step 8/tradition 8, and so on.
I've heard a couple of different prayers said at the end of meetings--are you talking about the Serenity Prayer? "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"? Or something else? If you can give us a little bit of it, I bet someone here can help you w/that.
Let me also add this: If/when you want to start working more intensively on the steps and yourself, you will want to get a sponsor. That's just someone who YOU pick to help you along the way, someone who's got a good solid Alanon background and can guide you. What they say is "look for someone who's got what you want", meaning someone you look at and think "Wow, I wish I was so calm/wise/strong/patient/insightful" or whatever qualities you see in them. This is certainly something you can think about when you feel ready, though. Some people get a sponsor very soon after coming to Alanon, others wait much longer, and some never do.
So, gosh, this got pretty long, but I hope you found it helpful. Basically, it boils down to getting yourself to the meetings, listening (and sharing if you wish), reading the literature and talking to folks afterwards. You'll gradually learn all you need to know! So glad you're going, b/c it can help in ways we don't even imagine at the time...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: dublin
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by honeypig 
I have a question, someone said today that the meeting I go to ,is a topic meeting, how do you know from website if its Topic meeting or 12 step meeting, or are they all the same?, is it same topic in all the meetings that day/week. also where can I find a copy of prayer said at end of meeting?
I'll try to answer your questions, at least in part:
Regarding what type of meeting: All Alanon meetings are technically "12 step meetings", as all use the same 12 steps. However, from what I've seen, there are any number of ways a meeting can be structured.
You can have a "topic" meeting, as you saw, where a particular topic is discussed each time. In my experience, a calendar is passed around and people sign up in advance to choose the topic and open the discussion at the meeting that day/night.
Some meetings will read from a particular book, such as the "12 Steps and 12 Traditions", each week and discuss what has been read. Some meetings will discuss a topic one week, then a step the next, then another topic and then a tradition. If it happens to be a month w/5 Mondays, or whatever day the meeting is on, they may have what is called an "open" meeting, on that "extra" day, where there are usually a couple of pre-arranged speakers and no group discussion. At an open meeting, anyone is welcome, whether or not they have a problem of alcoholism in a family member or friend; A's may attend also.
As far as being able to tell from the web site, that will depend on your website. My local website does list details about the various meetings, i.e., childcare available, handicapped accessible, book study, etc. Your site may or may not do this, but if you talk to other folks at the meeting(s) you DO go to, you can find out details about the meetings you have not yet been to. Also, anytime you attend a meeting, people will be more than happy to talk to you about the meeting format if you're curious.
As far as other meetings being "on the same page", so to speak--Alanon meetings are all independent entities as far as what they discuss and when they discuss it, so there's really no telling what may be on the agenda at any given meeting. One thing that I do find, though, is that there are conveniently 12 steps and 12 traditions, and we also happen to have 12 months in the year. Based on this, most meetings that discuss a step/tradition will be doing the one that matches the month of the year--In January, step 1/tradition 1, in August, step 8/tradition 8, and so on.
I've heard a couple of different prayers said at the end of meetings--are you talking about the Serenity Prayer? "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"? Or something else? If you can give us a little bit of it, I bet someone here can help you w/that.
Let me also add this: If/when you want to start working more intensively on the steps and yourself, you will want to get a sponsor. That's just someone who YOU pick to help you along the way, someone who's got a good solid Alanon background and can guide you. What they say is "look for someone who's got what you want", meaning someone you look at and think "Wow, I wish I was so calm/wise/strong/patient/insightful" or whatever qualities you see in them. This is certainly something you can think about when you feel ready, though. Some people get a sponsor very soon after coming to Alanon, others wait much longer, and some never do.
So, gosh, this got pretty long, but I hope you found it helpful. Basically, it boils down to getting yourself to the meetings, listening (and sharing if you wish), reading the literature and talking to folks afterwards. You'll gradually learn all you need to know! So glad you're going, b/c it can help in ways we don't even imagine at the time...
I'll try to answer your questions, at least in part:
Regarding what type of meeting: All Alanon meetings are technically "12 step meetings", as all use the same 12 steps. However, from what I've seen, there are any number of ways a meeting can be structured.
You can have a "topic" meeting, as you saw, where a particular topic is discussed each time. In my experience, a calendar is passed around and people sign up in advance to choose the topic and open the discussion at the meeting that day/night.
Some meetings will read from a particular book, such as the "12 Steps and 12 Traditions", each week and discuss what has been read. Some meetings will discuss a topic one week, then a step the next, then another topic and then a tradition. If it happens to be a month w/5 Mondays, or whatever day the meeting is on, they may have what is called an "open" meeting, on that "extra" day, where there are usually a couple of pre-arranged speakers and no group discussion. At an open meeting, anyone is welcome, whether or not they have a problem of alcoholism in a family member or friend; A's may attend also.
As far as being able to tell from the web site, that will depend on your website. My local website does list details about the various meetings, i.e., childcare available, handicapped accessible, book study, etc. Your site may or may not do this, but if you talk to other folks at the meeting(s) you DO go to, you can find out details about the meetings you have not yet been to. Also, anytime you attend a meeting, people will be more than happy to talk to you about the meeting format if you're curious.
As far as other meetings being "on the same page", so to speak--Alanon meetings are all independent entities as far as what they discuss and when they discuss it, so there's really no telling what may be on the agenda at any given meeting. One thing that I do find, though, is that there are conveniently 12 steps and 12 traditions, and we also happen to have 12 months in the year. Based on this, most meetings that discuss a step/tradition will be doing the one that matches the month of the year--In January, step 1/tradition 1, in August, step 8/tradition 8, and so on.
I've heard a couple of different prayers said at the end of meetings--are you talking about the Serenity Prayer? "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"? Or something else? If you can give us a little bit of it, I bet someone here can help you w/that.
Let me also add this: If/when you want to start working more intensively on the steps and yourself, you will want to get a sponsor. That's just someone who YOU pick to help you along the way, someone who's got a good solid Alanon background and can guide you. What they say is "look for someone who's got what you want", meaning someone you look at and think "Wow, I wish I was so calm/wise/strong/patient/insightful" or whatever qualities you see in them. This is certainly something you can think about when you feel ready, though. Some people get a sponsor very soon after coming to Alanon, others wait much longer, and some never do.
So, gosh, this got pretty long, but I hope you found it helpful. Basically, it boils down to getting yourself to the meetings, listening (and sharing if you wish), reading the literature and talking to folks afterwards. You'll gradually learn all you need to know! So glad you're going, b/c it can help in ways we don't even imagine at the time...
I went to my third alanon today,pre using this forum I thought sponsors and 12 steps were for As only,i really didn't have a clue,i thought I would go to al anon and NEVER share,first week was RAGE,2nd week was Bereavement,and today was ISOLATION,all topics that are raw atm,but I surprised myself and shared today,between tears,practically everyone in room spoke to me afterwards,told me I was very strong,doing right things etc,feels really friendly and non judgemental there.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Here's a link to the full version of the Serenity Prayer, getthere.
The Original Serenity Prayer
Glad you found some use in my post and again, so happy that Alanon is turning out to be a strong support for you!
The Original Serenity Prayer
Glad you found some use in my post and again, so happy that Alanon is turning out to be a strong support for you!
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