FLUSA

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting and I need some advice (don't we all). I have an alcoholic neighbor, who has ascites, spider moles, musty breath and is turning yellow. She called my house Tuesday afternoon and asked me to come to her house as she didn't feel well. I took one look at her and told her she needed to go to the hospital. She said no ambulance she didn't want to pay to get there so could my husband take her? (By the way she is married and her husband works local). To make a long story short my husband rushed home from work and took her to the ER. She was transported Tuesday night to a local bigger hospital for testing etc. She refused the liver testing. This morning at 8am (Thursday) she called my husband to come get her as she had signed herself out of the hospital. I'm sure she came home and made herself a drink. I told my husband instead of being a "yes man" he has now has to turn into a "no man" when asked for help, I too am refusing anymore help. Did I do the right thing?

Just a quick note, before 8am this morning (Friday) she's already on her way to the liquor store. The liquor store opens at 8am.

Refiner

Hi, FLUSA! Your neighbor does not have boundaries and it's up to you and your husband to set them for her. Obviously her husband has given up on her or she would have asked for his help and/or he would have been willing to help her. She obviously knows what the issue is (refusing liver testing? Hello?) and no one is able to "help" her but her. You and your husband need to just set that boundary and tell her you wish her well, but it is not up to you to take care of her. I wish you well in your situation!

Refiner

Oh, good Lord I just saw that she's already hitting the liquor store today as soon as it opens at 8am. When you set your boundary with her, I think you should acknowledge that you know she has a drinking problem and hope she will get some help. She may think she's pulled the wool over your eyes... they seem to live in La La land.

FireSprite

Hi FLUSA, I agree, you definitely are doing the right thing by setting boundaries. It can be tricky, so be prepared to have to be firm & recognize any creative excuses she may come up with in order to try to get around them.

lillamy

And building on what they said about setting boundaries -- you have a RIGHT to do that. We're (most of us) raised to be good neighbors and helpful to people in need, and sometimes we can feel like we have to help people even if our gut feeling is that we seriously don't want to at all.

When we "help" someone in a situation like that, two things happen.
1) We don't really help them; we just do what they want us to do (which isn't the same thing. If your kid wants you to help them get chocolate for breakfast, running to the store for chocolate isn't helping them.)
2) We do what we do not out of a real concern for the other person -- we do it to deafen the guilt we feel if we don't do it.

So basically, when we break sane and rational boundaries we have set up, we act selfishly (in that we act to avoid feeling guilty) and our actions are not helpful, they're harmful, to the other person.

I hope that made sense. It did in my head….

hopeful4

JUST SAY NO.

I am willing to help anyone who genuinely wants my help. However, if they are using me and not willing to help THEMSELVES...no way. Unfortunately, some people have no bottom and she may face death as hers. That is something you have to accept b/c she in denial and will not change her behavior no matter what you do. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it! Only she can do those things!

Good Luck and God Bless...you and your husband have good hearts!

FLUSA

Hi all, thanks so much for the replies. This is what I've done, I've blocked her phone numbers and her email. We have a gate across the front deck and that has a pad lock on it so she can't come up to the front door. My back gate has a lock on it. My third set outside stairs to the laundry room has a zip tied baby gate on it. Her stomach is so huge there's no way she can climb over it. I keep my windows closed so she can't holler in the windows and keep my front door closed. She has a habit that if I don't answer the door she throws stones at the window, but that will be ignored. We moved from up North 900 miles to FL to two acres of property for privacy and we have less privacy here than we did in a regular neighborhood. Since I'm home all day I'm the one she calls when something is wrong. I can't deal with with the lies, being used and general BS anymore, next time she doesn't feel well she can call 911 or call her neighbors in the back. My husband and I both say she won't be alive by this summer, it's a shame she's only 58, but then this is her choice.

Refiner

Oh myyyyyyyyyyyyy... it's must worse than you originally described! She throws STONES at your window?? She has ZERO boundaries. I hope she doesn't get angry or a restraining order may be needed to keep her off your property entirely. You should not have to be locking gates, keeping windows closed and locked, etc. because of HER. yikes!

FLUSA

It is really bad and she doesn't have any boundaries. My husband can be eating dinner when she knocks on the door and he'll tell her sorry he's eating, she'll walk right past him stand in the kitchen and talk to him the entire time he's eating.

We can have company and she'll be at the door and we tell her we're busy and she'll walk right in the house the same way.

I feel like I'm living in a prison and have felt this way for a long time. She has a habit of standing in her yard watching my house. If I open the door she's over here. I don't even bother to out to get the mail anymore. I think she's not outside and then wham there she is calling me. We tried to come up with creative ways to keep her off the property but none have worked. We bought two pairs of geese, that would run at her and bite her in the butt if she came in the yard. We found her feeding the geese, now they welcome her with open wings. We told her to stop feeding them so hopefully after awhile they'll forget she ever fed them.

chicory

Flusa,

I think it was very nice that you tried to help. It could have gone differently, maybe if she had gotten help she so desperately needed. But you did the good Samaritan thing, and can feel good about being a nice person.
Now you know that she is not able to be helped, by your efforts anyway. You can put up your boundaries without feeling doubt-she is not ready to get help. Sounds bad for her,, like her brain is definately damaged from the alcohol.
Do what you have to do to protect yourselves, and your privacy. She is probably going to be oblivious. I just read the last few postings, sounds awful.

take care,
chicory

FLUSA

Chicory, unfortunately she is oblivious. I'll do what I have to do for now because it won't be forever. Another thing is my husband and her husband are good friends. When her husband comes over to visit she follows him. My husband will try to keep her out of the house though, which makes it easier for me.

hopeful4

Out of curiosity, when she needs things why doesn't she call her own husband? Is it possible he has set up boundaries but you guys have not? Goodness...what a mess! Stick to YOUR boundaries!

Good Luck~!

FLUSA

Her reasoning for not calling her husband is that she doesn't want him to know her business, not even medical. Frankly I think he just doesn't care anymore. She always belittles him and starts fights with him, when she drinks she loves him, it's sickening. We've lived here for 8 years this month and I haven't seen her go one evening without being drunk, except for the day and a half she was in the hospital. She calls herself a functioning alcoholic.

hopeful4

Wow...so yes, if it seems he does not care anymore it is most likely for the sake of HIS OWN sanity. It's terrible for you to live next door...bet it is like a taste of hell for him to actually LIVE there. So instead of him knowing her business, like he does not already, she has choosen to USE you guys instead. Disgusting.

Keep the locks locked and get some peace my friend!

Refiner

Flusa, I'm guessing she doesn't have a job, am I right? Maybe she used to be a functioning alcoholic but by her unacceptable social behavior, I would say she is no longer a "functioning" one.

FLUSA

Hopeful4 thanks so much. I thought I was beginning to lose my mind until I found all of you! Now I know I've done the right thing. I can't imagine what her husband goes through. At least he works from 1am until 11am and by the time he gets home most of the time she's passed out, so he doesn't have to deal with her.

FLUSA

Refiner she doesn't work, she did up until six months ago when she decided to "retire". I thought to myself oh boy now I'm never going to get rid of her.

FLUSA

I had back surgery so I'm disabled and home all the time so she been taking advantage of me. That will now stop.

FLUSA

The whole neighborhood knows she has a drinking problem..........
I just happen to be the one who's home all day.

Recovering2

You've gone above and beyond as a neighbor. But you now recognize that she's not looking for real help, she's looking for someone to enable her. Enough. You are not obligated to participate in her disease...you're neighbors!!!!

Have you thought about talking with her husband? Sounds like he's detached, but it may help you to make him aware of the rock throwing etc. If it continues, I would get a restraining order. You are entitled to peace in your home.