How do A's just move on?
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
How do A's just move on?
I know the answer - they are just doing what they do - being selfish- trying to distract themselves and find someone else to adore them and go along with their drinking. My brain knows that. But my heart - not so much. I spent 13 years with this asshat - I know he didn't make me stay I stayed and I begged and I pleaded and I tried all I could to make him love me and quit drinking. Pathetic I know. Well AH has been gone 3 weeks - the house is calm and has joy in it and happiness and no yelling and no cursing - well not angry cursing :-) - my home is my sanctuary now. I am trying to concentrate on my healing - seeing a therapist - reading codependency books - spending time with dear friends, loving my dog and my sons , working super hard and watching my business do well - wrote a million dollars in contracts this week ! YAY Redheadsusie! Well a neighbor told me today that AH is on a dating web site and has been for over a month - we only split up a few weeks ago.! WHAT? I had found condoms in his truck last month which he denied - of all things I never thought he would do it was cheat - his first wife cheated on him and he was always about how wrong it was blah blah blah. Well get ready - he denied the condoms were anything - said they were from another time we split up - there have been a few - but I have not been with another man in 13 years since I met Ah. What a fool I am I swear to God- what an idiot. My brain tells me again- stay on your side of the street - let the man do what he wants and be grateful someone else can deal with his crap - let someone else pay his mortgage - take care of the house and yard all alone- let someone else clean his poop off of the floor when he is trashed - let someone else get his naked ass back in the house when he forgets where he is and pees in the backyard . OK - I am done - what a son of a bitch.................. I am so much better than that Jerry Springer life I was living. But to move on so quick ................. did he ever care about me or was I just here to pay the bills and let him drink- I did both............what the hell Susan what the hell?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 96
I am wondering the same thing with my ex fiance who is an opiate addict. how in the world can they walk away and not feel a darn thing? what could they possibly be thinking ?!!?? It pisses me off so much when I think about it! Wth man!!
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
sometimes I wish I could be like my XRAH...move on and never think twice about it again...20 years, 3 kids, a life....pffth...that's nothen...
but then I realize if I could understand it and be like that , that would make me insane to. Im thankful I don't understand how he is capable of that. It means I am not...and I don't want to be.
Doesn't make it hurt any less though does it?
but then I realize if I could understand it and be like that , that would make me insane to. Im thankful I don't understand how he is capable of that. It means I am not...and I don't want to be.
Doesn't make it hurt any less though does it?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Aussie
Posts: 50
Susie, I feel for you. I really do.
For me I came to realise its not worth trying to understand.
They are sick, they have a disease. they are not normal.
Dont even try to understand why they did it, why they moved on fast. I see it as living a life with claws scratching at walls trying to find a grip, anything they grab, they pull down with it.
I understand how you feel, with the knife in the heart, and then the worse one in the back. This probably sounds outrageous, but fogive and move on.
forgiveness doesnt excuse their behaviour
Forgiveness stops them from destroying our heart.
When you let the anger go, you will feel a weight lift, and your life will slowly come back.
For me I came to realise its not worth trying to understand.
They are sick, they have a disease. they are not normal.
Dont even try to understand why they did it, why they moved on fast. I see it as living a life with claws scratching at walls trying to find a grip, anything they grab, they pull down with it.
I understand how you feel, with the knife in the heart, and then the worse one in the back. This probably sounds outrageous, but fogive and move on.
forgiveness doesnt excuse their behaviour
Forgiveness stops them from destroying our heart.
When you let the anger go, you will feel a weight lift, and your life will slowly come back.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
My XBF who was not an addict did the SAME THING. These are people who are miserable alone. They can't stand to be around themselves because they are such miserable company. I was a disgusted as you are and hurt...soooooo hurt! How could he be on a dating website looking for a "long term relationship" when that is exactly what he told me he was NOT ready for...after 3 years. It thought I could never get over it..but I did, and outside of my codependency issues I thrive in many other ways....you are thriving in your business and with your family, in you sanctuary and with your life education... and the rest will follow. Another bright spot....you are not cleaning his poop off the floor. Good on you.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by choublak 
Interesting how this neighbor knows this...
One of my friends is an online dating tragic. I've gone to the dating site she uses and can find her in an instant using her location, interests and age range. It's pretty easy.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Well.... you can wring the alcohol out of the asshat and all you have left is the asshat!
If you think about that you realize how grateful you should be that he is out there chasing skirts instead of you. In my case it was always hard to shake the alcoholic and trust me he may be back! Probably when he needs to borrow money to pay his mortgage or some other crisis he will want you to fix.
He is drinking. He is not relationship material. He is a jerk. If he were to quit drinking today he would probably still be an absolute jerk... just a cranky dry drunk jerk. He is showing you who he is... believe him!
When you focus on that kind of stuff it speeds up the grieving process in my opinion. I prefer anger and dream of stripping off their flesh with pliers and a blow torch
(OK... I am still not 100% but I am working on me
)
I know this is a hard time Suzie and it is brain chemicals that are making you feel this way... you have to keep working on what your brain is focusing on to get better and in a happier state of mind. You have a GREAT future ahead of you and you will be so much happier once this stage is over!
REally... I am loving life and living the dream and you can too. Recovery...it is a beautiful thing.
And my XA? He is sober and we talk on the phone. He is 2500 miles away and he needs to stay there. Wish him the best but he is not relationship material. period. That's recovery... when you love em but you know the stove is hot (maybe cool to the touch today but it can go to 800 degrees with one slip).
If you think about that you realize how grateful you should be that he is out there chasing skirts instead of you. In my case it was always hard to shake the alcoholic and trust me he may be back! Probably when he needs to borrow money to pay his mortgage or some other crisis he will want you to fix.
He is drinking. He is not relationship material. He is a jerk. If he were to quit drinking today he would probably still be an absolute jerk... just a cranky dry drunk jerk. He is showing you who he is... believe him!
When you focus on that kind of stuff it speeds up the grieving process in my opinion. I prefer anger and dream of stripping off their flesh with pliers and a blow torch
(OK... I am still not 100% but I am working on me
)I know this is a hard time Suzie and it is brain chemicals that are making you feel this way... you have to keep working on what your brain is focusing on to get better and in a happier state of mind. You have a GREAT future ahead of you and you will be so much happier once this stage is over!
REally... I am loving life and living the dream and you can too. Recovery...it is a beautiful thing.
And my XA? He is sober and we talk on the phone. He is 2500 miles away and he needs to stay there. Wish him the best but he is not relationship material. period. That's recovery... when you love em but you know the stove is hot (maybe cool to the touch today but it can go to 800 degrees with one slip).
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
well you know he is an asshat, but you thought he was YOUR EXCUSIVE asshat?
his warranty ran out long ago. count yourself lucky he was using condoms!. if he did it to you he will do it to others again and again. he uses mama as his mothership home base.
tell your neighbor that you don't need extra information, try to be happy and file to be removed from him in divorce.
his warranty ran out long ago. count yourself lucky he was using condoms!. if he did it to you he will do it to others again and again. he uses mama as his mothership home base.
tell your neighbor that you don't need extra information, try to be happy and file to be removed from him in divorce.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
your exman is not relationship material. he wants an ego-stroking caregiver, not a partner. anyone in a relationship with someone like him will be in a toxic relationship and likely be very unhealthy themselves.
BTW, i would not clean up anyone's poop, ever, unless they were under five years old or a dog. Red flag.
BTW, i would not clean up anyone's poop, ever, unless they were under five years old or a dog. Red flag.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Originally Posted by MissFixit
BTW, i would not clean up anyone's poop, ever, unless they were under five years old or a dog. Red flag.
I am telling you men love b's and I always tried to keep my boundaries firm! He was in trouble if he missed the toilet with urine! Fortunately for him he was OCD clean freak so he didn't get the frying pan treatment... just threatened to kill him dead if he picked up a drink.
His life was constantly in danger. It was not a healthy relationship. He finally left to save his hide.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
With some people, manipulative abusers for instance, they will start a relationship by being charming, seductive, winning you over, making you believe they are devoted to you. Then they begin over time to devalue you and your relationship. They become cold, disinterested, leaving you wondering what you did wrong and trying to please them. Finally, they will out and out ignore you, leave you, move on to their next victim.
So your A has moved on to start the whole program with someone fresh and new. Who may well be in for some abuse and let down, too.
Giving you the opportunity to welcome each and every day on your own loving, kind two feet.
So your A has moved on to start the whole program with someone fresh and new. Who may well be in for some abuse and let down, too.
Giving you the opportunity to welcome each and every day on your own loving, kind two feet.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
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I wouldn't take it too personally that your Asshat appears to have moved on, Susan. He knows how bad he is screwed up and is trying anything to make it appear that he is "normal" and is trying to validate himself. Deep down he knows. And it tears him up that he knows YOU know. But now you have that control over HIM ;-)
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Wow- I love you guys! You are all right I know that and I know my HP has bigger plans for me - I just need to stay the course !~ Hopeworks you crack my ass up. Laughed out loud - stripping off their flesh with pliers and a blow torch - wow~ and the nose in the poop. You are correct -wth was I thinking - my Goldendoodle does not even poop the floor!
I am so blessed and capable and loveable and happy most of the time. I will rid myself of this toxicity once and for all and enjoy myself with all I have to be thankful for which is a lot. I am truly grateful for all you say and when I am not so screwed up would love to return more support to all of you - I can only offer hugs love and not much advice now as my brain is spongy~ That sounds gross. Anyway - screw it - going to see the new Hunger Games movie! Super excited. Hugs and thanks from the bottom of my heart~
I am so blessed and capable and loveable and happy most of the time. I will rid myself of this toxicity once and for all and enjoy myself with all I have to be thankful for which is a lot. I am truly grateful for all you say and when I am not so screwed up would love to return more support to all of you - I can only offer hugs love and not much advice now as my brain is spongy~ That sounds gross. Anyway - screw it - going to see the new Hunger Games movie! Super excited. Hugs and thanks from the bottom of my heart~
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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I'd like to ask another question.
Why does it matter to you what he does?
I am asking that a bit tongue in cheek because obviously I understand that it hurts when someone you've just separated from acts as if you never existed or your relationship didn't mean anything.
But I think the bottom line is -- hang on while I go find a story I love… Why are you wasting time trying to analyze his behavior? Put him down and go on with your life.
Why does it matter to you what he does?
I am asking that a bit tongue in cheek because obviously I understand that it hurts when someone you've just separated from acts as if you never existed or your relationship didn't mean anything.
But I think the bottom line is -- hang on while I go find a story I love…
Two monks, going to a neighbouring monastery, walked side by side in silence. They arrived at a river they had to cross. On the bank, a young woman was hesitating because she couldn't cross.
The younger monk just looked down, since as monks, they weren't allowed to touch women.
The older monk said, 'Climb on my back and we will cross together.'
Having reached the other bank, the old monk put down the young woman who thanked him. She left and the monks continued. After a while the young monk could not stand it anymore and said, 'You shouldn't have carried that person on your back. It's against our rules.'
The older monk replied:
'I put her down back there on the river bank. Why are you still carrying her?'
The younger monk just looked down, since as monks, they weren't allowed to touch women.
The older monk said, 'Climb on my back and we will cross together.'
Having reached the other bank, the old monk put down the young woman who thanked him. She left and the monks continued. After a while the young monk could not stand it anymore and said, 'You shouldn't have carried that person on your back. It's against our rules.'
The older monk replied:
'I put her down back there on the river bank. Why are you still carrying her?'
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Keep in mind that an A, whether active or Dry Drunking -- is a User.
They Use Alcohol, Drugs and People.
Users use and that is what they do. Else the name would not have meaning.
And as for *us* in that -- like the guy at the Auto Parts store says --
Parts is Parts.
They Use Alcohol, Drugs and People.
Users use and that is what they do. Else the name would not have meaning.
And as for *us* in that -- like the guy at the Auto Parts store says --
Parts is Parts.
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