Tired of dealing with this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 2
Tired of dealing with this
Hi All,
My situation is like many that I've read on here. Need to get it written out before it eats me alive. Any advice is always appreciated.
I have been married to my husband for 4 years now, in the spring we had our first child. SO has always enjoyed drinking and looking back now, there have definitely been times when he has abused more than others. His mother, aunt, brother and grandfather were all alcoholics at one point or another.
SO suffers from anxiety- to a point where he feels as though he is having a stroke. He also has a difficult time dealing with high levels of stress. Work for him lately has become very stressful and there has been a big increase in drinking and anxiety.
When I try to talk to him about it, he gets angry and says that he doesn't have a problem. Last night, it was 8 beers, a bottle of wine, and 2 glasses of scotch. He feels that since the previous night he only had 2 beers than means that he doesn't have a problem. Before he would only binge drink on the weekends, when he could suffer from the hangover without work. But lately it has been weekdays too.
SO gets extremely mean and emotionally abusive when he is drinking. He will say the meanest, cruelest things in order to drive me away and be alone. However, the more alone time he has, the more he drinks. I can handle the talk and tend to just retreat into my own world. But now with our child around, I am terrified of this continuing. I do not want my child to be raised around an alcoholic. I don't want the hangovers, the alcohol breath, the cruel words... any of it around the baby.
I do want to believe that he can get better, but I know that he has to come to that realization on his own. I find myself always making excuses and defending his actions. But I am so tired of doing this. Just so tired in general of this crap.
Thx for listening.
My situation is like many that I've read on here. Need to get it written out before it eats me alive. Any advice is always appreciated.
I have been married to my husband for 4 years now, in the spring we had our first child. SO has always enjoyed drinking and looking back now, there have definitely been times when he has abused more than others. His mother, aunt, brother and grandfather were all alcoholics at one point or another.
SO suffers from anxiety- to a point where he feels as though he is having a stroke. He also has a difficult time dealing with high levels of stress. Work for him lately has become very stressful and there has been a big increase in drinking and anxiety.
When I try to talk to him about it, he gets angry and says that he doesn't have a problem. Last night, it was 8 beers, a bottle of wine, and 2 glasses of scotch. He feels that since the previous night he only had 2 beers than means that he doesn't have a problem. Before he would only binge drink on the weekends, when he could suffer from the hangover without work. But lately it has been weekdays too.
SO gets extremely mean and emotionally abusive when he is drinking. He will say the meanest, cruelest things in order to drive me away and be alone. However, the more alone time he has, the more he drinks. I can handle the talk and tend to just retreat into my own world. But now with our child around, I am terrified of this continuing. I do not want my child to be raised around an alcoholic. I don't want the hangovers, the alcohol breath, the cruel words... any of it around the baby.
I do want to believe that he can get better, but I know that he has to come to that realization on his own. I find myself always making excuses and defending his actions. But I am so tired of doing this. Just so tired in general of this crap.
Thx for listening.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome, sadwife. If you've been reading on the forum, you already know you're not alone...lots of us here are or have been in your shoes.
It's great that you know that you DO NOT want to raise a child in this situation and that you want to take care of yourself and your child. You'll find a lot of education, support and wisdom here at SR. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page when you're reading. There's a lot of information there that will help you know what you're up against.
Many of us here use Alanon as well as SR, since each has its strengths. Here's a link to help you find out more about Alanon and locate some meetings near you. http://www.al-anon.org/
Again, welcome, and wishing you the strength and clarity you'll need as you move forward.
It's great that you know that you DO NOT want to raise a child in this situation and that you want to take care of yourself and your child. You'll find a lot of education, support and wisdom here at SR. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page when you're reading. There's a lot of information there that will help you know what you're up against.
Many of us here use Alanon as well as SR, since each has its strengths. Here's a link to help you find out more about Alanon and locate some meetings near you. http://www.al-anon.org/
Again, welcome, and wishing you the strength and clarity you'll need as you move forward.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I do not want my child to be raised around an alcoholic. I don't want the hangovers, the alcohol breath, the cruel words... any of it around the baby.
Sounds like a good start. You definitely have your priorities right. What DO you want? You have a right to peace and happiness. You have a right to raise your baby in a safe and healthy environment. One thing that helped me when I first got to SR was reading the stickies at the top of the forum. The ones on abuse really opened my eyes to the reality of my life. I wish you and your sweet baby all the best. Welcome.
Sounds like a good start. You definitely have your priorities right. What DO you want? You have a right to peace and happiness. You have a right to raise your baby in a safe and healthy environment. One thing that helped me when I first got to SR was reading the stickies at the top of the forum. The ones on abuse really opened my eyes to the reality of my life. I wish you and your sweet baby all the best. Welcome.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I will just day ive put up w the same agony for years. Thought i was doing my kids a favor by staying. Wish upon all the stars i would have left when they were babies. Good luck and god bless. Hope you go to alanon or celebrate recovery and take care of you and your baby!!
God Bless!
God Bless!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 2
Thank-you all for your replies to date, I really appreciate the welcome and knowing I'm not alone.
I do firmly know what I want for my baby and I KNOW that deserve and want better for myself... the difficult part is knowing what to do now. That probably sounds naive. I know I don't want to be in the situation, but how to remove ourselves from it...??? You can't force an alcoholic to get help, so what can I do? Tell him to leave? It's my house and I'm the primary supporter financially, so I'm not worried about that end. But, I married him because I love him, I want to believe that person is there somewhere. I truly feel lost as to what the right course of action is.
I have signed up for an Al-Anon meeting for next Wednesday in my area. It's a step in the right direction for me in the long run.
I do firmly know what I want for my baby and I KNOW that deserve and want better for myself... the difficult part is knowing what to do now. That probably sounds naive. I know I don't want to be in the situation, but how to remove ourselves from it...??? You can't force an alcoholic to get help, so what can I do? Tell him to leave? It's my house and I'm the primary supporter financially, so I'm not worried about that end. But, I married him because I love him, I want to believe that person is there somewhere. I truly feel lost as to what the right course of action is.
I have signed up for an Al-Anon meeting for next Wednesday in my area. It's a step in the right direction for me in the long run.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Sadwife you have my empathy - from what you have written you and I are in similar spaces. Its such a hard process to come to the realisation that this IS what it is....I look at my SO and am still astounded. Its hard to know when to let go of the hope that he will decide to help himself.
Take care - Ive only just joined this place and am amazed how supportive everyone is.
Take care - Ive only just joined this place and am amazed how supportive everyone is.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
In many ways I feel like I was reading my own story. I remember being pregnant with my now 5 year old. My RA always seemed to not be able to handle every day stress. I noticed it the minute we moved into our new house in 2006. he day before, my knight in shining amour - the day we moved in - changed. He started strugglng - too much change all at once, no routine, a lot happened in a short amount of time(marriage and then house) that was the first issue.
I will never forget the first time he snapped at me because I wasn't holding the couch the right way to move it in the door. It was that moment that I saw a completely different side to him.
He came into my life with baggage (I have it too) but I thought his struggles and reactions were due to him trying to sort out the events that happened to him. I remember crying one night asking him if this was going to be how it was when we had the baby - he assured me it would not be this way. That he was going to get it figured out, that he was sorry, that he knew he needed to do X Y an Z. And I know he meant it. One thing with my RA is that his explanations, reasons and troubles were always and still are VERY sincere,heart felt and articulated well, but alcohol was the problem and he would not face it and accept it until October 7th of this year when he entered rehab on his own.
That was over 5 years ago. His actions when I was pregnant became FAR WORSE as time went on. FAR. WORSE. He used to just be snappy and irritable and reactive. Then maybe one day it got a hair worse and he may have called me an a&&hole or something. We were entering a new level of ugly. It was progressing. It got worse. At this point, I knew there was no turning back. Once you bring ugly in, it's very hard to get it out.
Ugly cruel words that got much crueler. Then it creeped to another level. Attacking my job, friends, accusations, paranoia.. He was a kitten back then when I was pregnant. I believed him that it would be ok, and it wasn't. It got worse. But his explanations remained the same. Sure, he would rotate around different life circumstances, and I really think in his mind he believed them to be true. He wasn't purposely lying to me, but he was lying to himself. He was admittedly suffering. He didn't deny it. He was in pain and told me all about it when the dust settled. And back on the merry go round we went.
Probably 2 years ago we started the on and off again fight about his drinking - depending on his mood, he would either admit it or not. If he was in his admit phase he would go through all kinds of trouble trying to regulate it. only a 40. Only a six pack, no 12 packs. only on the weekends, week days only 1 or 2. He would put it in the basement so it was harder to get to. The creativity was sad and pathetic. and it never worked. Or if he was in denial we would fight terribly about "i thought you said last week you had a problem" - to him "having it under control" I used to enjoy having a few drinks with him, but it got to the point that when I saw him with a Miller Lite bottle I either wanted to crawl out of my skin or take the bottle and hit it with him as hard as I could. The sound of beer bottles cascading into our recycling bin made me cringe.
I started to withdraw/detach whatever and started to create a life for myself outside of him determined not to let his issues bring me down. That worked for a while. Probably a year or two. Then I just got exhausted from that. I had no interest anymore. I couldn't keep up the front anymore. I couldn't come up with reasons why he was sleeping all the time or that Dave wasn't "feeling well' - then there were late night trips to Lowes to get a new door because he busted one up and my mother was coming the next morning to babysit (now I have an 18 month old. I had her so my big girl would have a sibling. Prior to that I told him I would never have another child with him. But I thought my big girl should have a sister or brother, so I got pregnant again.
he has destroyed our marriage. I don't know if it is beyond repair, but at this point, I am not sorry I met him or sorry that I stayed. Not yet. But i am miserable and lost and stuck in a mess that I enabled him to create because I supported all of his endeavors to try to "fix" his life. I did everything you could imagine because he came up with everything you could imagine being wrong. In fact, my poor RA is probably exhausted beyond words from trying so hard to avoid the truth. He poured his efforts into everything else except alcohol and now, he may have lost everything he truly thought he was was desperately trying to save.
I am sad to tell you this but unless he admits on his own that he needs help, it is pretty likely that things will get worse for you. But you are doing one thing I wish I did. Start to get help. I was so busy consumed with him and his various appointments with various professionals that there was just no time for me. And I didn't realize how bad I was, I mean I was the one fixing everything how could I have a problem - I'm fine - he's the one that is a hot mess. But no, I am in the worst shape of my life right now. Keep that alanon meeting and do what I didn't do all of these years that have gone by. Get help for yourself. Sorry this was long....
I will never forget the first time he snapped at me because I wasn't holding the couch the right way to move it in the door. It was that moment that I saw a completely different side to him.
He came into my life with baggage (I have it too) but I thought his struggles and reactions were due to him trying to sort out the events that happened to him. I remember crying one night asking him if this was going to be how it was when we had the baby - he assured me it would not be this way. That he was going to get it figured out, that he was sorry, that he knew he needed to do X Y an Z. And I know he meant it. One thing with my RA is that his explanations, reasons and troubles were always and still are VERY sincere,heart felt and articulated well, but alcohol was the problem and he would not face it and accept it until October 7th of this year when he entered rehab on his own.
That was over 5 years ago. His actions when I was pregnant became FAR WORSE as time went on. FAR. WORSE. He used to just be snappy and irritable and reactive. Then maybe one day it got a hair worse and he may have called me an a&&hole or something. We were entering a new level of ugly. It was progressing. It got worse. At this point, I knew there was no turning back. Once you bring ugly in, it's very hard to get it out.
Ugly cruel words that got much crueler. Then it creeped to another level. Attacking my job, friends, accusations, paranoia.. He was a kitten back then when I was pregnant. I believed him that it would be ok, and it wasn't. It got worse. But his explanations remained the same. Sure, he would rotate around different life circumstances, and I really think in his mind he believed them to be true. He wasn't purposely lying to me, but he was lying to himself. He was admittedly suffering. He didn't deny it. He was in pain and told me all about it when the dust settled. And back on the merry go round we went.
Probably 2 years ago we started the on and off again fight about his drinking - depending on his mood, he would either admit it or not. If he was in his admit phase he would go through all kinds of trouble trying to regulate it. only a 40. Only a six pack, no 12 packs. only on the weekends, week days only 1 or 2. He would put it in the basement so it was harder to get to. The creativity was sad and pathetic. and it never worked. Or if he was in denial we would fight terribly about "i thought you said last week you had a problem" - to him "having it under control" I used to enjoy having a few drinks with him, but it got to the point that when I saw him with a Miller Lite bottle I either wanted to crawl out of my skin or take the bottle and hit it with him as hard as I could. The sound of beer bottles cascading into our recycling bin made me cringe.
I started to withdraw/detach whatever and started to create a life for myself outside of him determined not to let his issues bring me down. That worked for a while. Probably a year or two. Then I just got exhausted from that. I had no interest anymore. I couldn't keep up the front anymore. I couldn't come up with reasons why he was sleeping all the time or that Dave wasn't "feeling well' - then there were late night trips to Lowes to get a new door because he busted one up and my mother was coming the next morning to babysit (now I have an 18 month old. I had her so my big girl would have a sibling. Prior to that I told him I would never have another child with him. But I thought my big girl should have a sister or brother, so I got pregnant again.
he has destroyed our marriage. I don't know if it is beyond repair, but at this point, I am not sorry I met him or sorry that I stayed. Not yet. But i am miserable and lost and stuck in a mess that I enabled him to create because I supported all of his endeavors to try to "fix" his life. I did everything you could imagine because he came up with everything you could imagine being wrong. In fact, my poor RA is probably exhausted beyond words from trying so hard to avoid the truth. He poured his efforts into everything else except alcohol and now, he may have lost everything he truly thought he was was desperately trying to save.
I am sad to tell you this but unless he admits on his own that he needs help, it is pretty likely that things will get worse for you. But you are doing one thing I wish I did. Start to get help. I was so busy consumed with him and his various appointments with various professionals that there was just no time for me. And I didn't realize how bad I was, I mean I was the one fixing everything how could I have a problem - I'm fine - he's the one that is a hot mess. But no, I am in the worst shape of my life right now. Keep that alanon meeting and do what I didn't do all of these years that have gone by. Get help for yourself. Sorry this was long....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Dear SW13, welcome. You are among friends here. The first thing we all learn is the 3 C's: You didn't Cause the disease of alcoholism, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. It is a progressive disease, so unfortunately your AH will get worse over time if he doesn't seek real recovery.
Your AH is doing some typical A behavior. He will pick a a fight and find a reason to be alone. You're in the way of his 1st love, alcohol, so he pushes you out of the way in order to drink. You say you can "handle" the talk...but why should you have to do that??? It's not acceptable to be treated that way when you've done nothing wrong!
You now have a child to protect. It's one thing to decide to tolerate it when you're the only one dealing with it, but it's a whole new ballgame when another life depends on you to make the right decisions. Read in the forum for children of A's, it will open your eyes to the damage that is done.
You don't have to make any big decisions today. My suggestion would be to find an AlAnon group near you, and attend. Many have babysitting. It's advised you attend 6 meetings before deciding if it's for you or not. Try different meetings if there's more than 1 in your area. Learn to set boundaries, soak up the experience/strength and hope that AlAnon members share. Keep posting here....we're here for you 24/7.
Your AH is doing some typical A behavior. He will pick a a fight and find a reason to be alone. You're in the way of his 1st love, alcohol, so he pushes you out of the way in order to drink. You say you can "handle" the talk...but why should you have to do that??? It's not acceptable to be treated that way when you've done nothing wrong!
You now have a child to protect. It's one thing to decide to tolerate it when you're the only one dealing with it, but it's a whole new ballgame when another life depends on you to make the right decisions. Read in the forum for children of A's, it will open your eyes to the damage that is done.
You don't have to make any big decisions today. My suggestion would be to find an AlAnon group near you, and attend. Many have babysitting. It's advised you attend 6 meetings before deciding if it's for you or not. Try different meetings if there's more than 1 in your area. Learn to set boundaries, soak up the experience/strength and hope that AlAnon members share. Keep posting here....we're here for you 24/7.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
The baby is more important than the alcoholic. Do not forget that. He will play on your sympathy, wear you down, confuse and demean you, in order to dominate you. The risk is that you will then not have the will or strength to take action based upon this truth: the baby is more important than the alcoholic.
Alcoholics who bully their wives bully their children.
I would be thinking about a lawyer.
Alcoholics who bully their wives bully their children.
I would be thinking about a lawyer.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: United States
Posts: 79
I too, hoped my AH would "get better" or cut back on drinking, or quit drinking (aka grow up) when we had a baby and bought our first house. Nope. My baby is now 7 and nothing has changed, it's gotten worse. The only difference now is that he seems less apologetic for his drunken actions. Instead of the pathetic morning after apologies, I get silence and a wave of his hand as if he's saying "go away, nag." But of course once he sobers up, and gets over the morning hangover, he's back to being his nice self for a few hours, that is, until evening sets in and he goes to the store to get a case of beer. Then it starts all over again. I don't know why I stay. My daughter loves, loves, loves her daddy, they do all sorts of fun things together. She has seen him drunk on occasion, despite my efforts to shield her from it. He knows to stay in the garage while drinking, it's one of my many "boundaries" for whatever it's worth. But it is getting old, way old. While he's drinking alone in the garage (I don't dare go out there or I'll get the mean cruel words) he's not being a father nor a husband. So what's the point really? I'm already a single parent most of the time anyway. Sorry about the tangent. I hope things work out for you guys better than it has for me. Good luck. 
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