Oh, where to begin? (update)
 

I wanted to update you all but I know it gets lengthy. I just typed out most of it & lost it before posting - argh!


RAH was released from custody yesterday, he had ended up in a Maximum Security cellblock with violent offenders for some unknown reason. Other than daily check ins about his situation, we didn't speak about anything until yesterday.


I can definitely say, without a shadow of a doubt, he did NOT do the things they are accusing him of. Before speaking to him, the details of the events were not sitting well with me as they unfolded because they weren't making any sense in relation to RAH - the timing, the motive, the everything just wasn't matching up. But I was so flaming MAD (once I got out of shock) that I didn't care & since I couldn't verify my thoughts with his side of the story I had to wait. As his anxiety skyrocketed & my anger mounted we weren't exactly communicating anyway.


He is guilty of absolute stupidity, inability to get over his own ego/pride & unfortunately I'm the victim to his worst transgressions. The web of lies he constructed around his loss of income made it impossible to determine fact from fiction. As absurd as it sounds (& yes, I do know that it sounds positively ridiculous) it happened just as he said - he found the necklaces, pawned them, then found out that the neighbor had been broken into, freaked inside hoping the 2 events weren't related & then went back to where he found the necklaces, finding & recognizing the gun about 12 feet further off the road, not visible under bushes. Instead of owning everything right then, he returned the gun to the property & hoped for the best because by then he'd paid bills with the money, telling me it was from his paychecks.


After arresting him, they confirmed that the gun was where he said it would be. They found fingerprints in the house that do NOT match RAH's. The same day that he was arrested, they caught 2 kids (older teens) that had been responsible for a series of robberies in our area. The details of the other robberies are consistent with the details of the neighbor's. After arrest, RAH was temporarily in a holding cell with one of the teens who laughingly told him that he knew our neighborhood having just robbed 2 houses there over the weekend.


RAH is changed on some core level that can't be reached by anyone or anything until that person wants to be affected. You can see the difference in his eyes, in his tone, in the words that he chooses. His entire energy field is different actually - DD remarked that it literally feels differently to be around daddy now.


I'd like to say that the man I used to know is finally back, but I don't think that's it exactly. More like he's found all those important pieces that were missing all these years, that he'd stuffed away to make room for his nonsense. The way he talks about the things he's seen behind bars & the stories he's heard from people who truly are less fortunate makes me think it showed him how bad it could really be. In his words - the only thing wrong with his life are the mistakes he himself has made.


I am seeing a tremendous difference in the way he talks - words I've never heard come out of his mouth no matter how long he stayed sober..... grateful, God, Higher Power, prayer, blessed, gratitude, honor, responsibility, accountability, etc. Even the way he slows down to choose his words is changed from the rapid talker he was. I see him thinking before speaking instead of rushing into reaction. It reminds me SO MUCH of the changes I saw in my AF when he finally got sober.


When I look into his eyes I can see depth again where there had been a swirling fog before no matter how long he'd stayed sober. I can see a clarity that's been absent. Last night he quickly changed clothes & jumped in the car to go with us to my Reiki Healing Circle for the 1st time & amazingly EIGHT healers showed up last night..... they could see his pain the minute we walked in, took him right in & proceeded to start his healing while he openly wept on the table.


Today after waking he rolled to his knees & prayed. :angel: Then he called my mother & started his long list of amends. Now he is working on hiring an attorney and selling everything he owns of value to pay for it.


I know as lengthy as this is, I've forgotten stuff & I know you all have got to have questions. :herewego ;)

FS...I will always believe that sometimes a person in the drenches of addiction benefit from some jail time. They call 90 and 120 day sentences SHOCK and it is called that for a reason. Shock time is for a person to see what their life could easily become. Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not. Sounds like he wants change, that is wonderful.

I hope this all turns into something positive not only for him but FOR YOU!

Blessings!

Thank you so much for the update, FS. I'm glad things are turning around for your husband. Good news. Sending much love and healing to you and your whole family. xoxo

I guess more was revealed.:33:
Maybe this experience was his bottom. Good for you and DD standing strong through all the craziness. Best wishes on all of your recovery journeys.

FS,
You sound great. Level-headed, reflective, brave.
RAH is having some consequences. Even if innocent, he's still made some bad decisions.
Maybe this is an opportunity for him to do some learning.
And an opportunity for you to step back out of this mess now and figure out if you want to continue with all this drama in your life.
Time to put the focus back where it belongs. On you.

Thank your for posting I was thinking you. I am guessing that since he is hiring an attorney that the charges were not dropped? Did he bond out? Does he have any restrictions, such as no drinking while on bond?

Charges have not been dropped at this point, no. He was able to bond out. No restrictions on bond other than the requirement to show up for the court date, but outside of his relapse about a month ago he isn't/hasn't been drinking. His issues are more about never fully addressing the issues that drove him to drink alcoholically. In 2+ years of sobriety he never dealt with all those underlying issues (aka worked his program!), dismissing the fact that it was in any way related to his drinking.

I'm so happy for you. I remember you being shocked. I remember you felt things were moving in a positive direction. So it would make sense that the whole thing just didn't "make sense" - and I remember from what you posted you handled it with such grace.. and still are...

So he can commit to not drinking but not commit to getting better!

That was it exactly! I know it's not a popular term around here but "dry drunk" is the only comparable term I know.

He didn't display that behavior daily, but the pressure would build & build & eventually he would just blow up in his King Baby way & blame everything on external forces. He still attended meetings, etc. but it was just all the surface stuff, you know? I have posted a couple of times about being concerned that he wasn't "working" the steps, etc. but I learned to keep my side of the street clean & wait for more to be revealed on the other side so I wasn't obsessing over it.

http://cocktails365.files.wordpress....cu_shocked.jpg


As my Good Friend, Yukon Cornelius would say . . .

Folks! You are looking at a Mighty Humble Bumble!

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_K7znjt7rK5...M/s400/R10.JPG

Super!

OMG Hammer, I am dying! That is so perfect!!!
:lmao

It does the heart good to hear about this progress. For all the bad stuff in this series of events and all, I see much to be optimistic about here. So very glad for you, FS :)

What does "dry drunk" mean anyway. I've asked before but then couldn't find the post to see if anyone answered. Does it mean, sober but not dealing with issues?

You know, it really sounds completely implausible and like the most incredible lie an addict could come up with.

So maybe there's some cosmic irony in that, after all the lying he has done, the world actually behaves exactly as it has in his lies… and he gets caught in the web.

I hope this is a turnaround point. I've seen addicts change their drug of choice and call it sobriety because they've quit one drug but never addressed the underlying behavior.

All I got to say is "Holy Carpfish!" Talk about truth being stranger than fiction...that is SOME STORY!

Thanks for the update, and I hope this giant upheaval continues to serve as a springboard for positive change for your family.

Thanks for the update, FS! My thoughts & prayers continue to be with you and your family.

I am assuming that you cosigned for his bail bond and if that is so then he has been released into the surety's custody and if you want you can place any restrictions on him you wish or have his bail agent return him to custody.

Now as I qm a card carrying certified recovering codie this is a dangerous territory because it can go overboard but ... if you got him out and you see are logical and fair it could be a tool and if you see that that he starts going the wrong direction then I want you to now that you are not stuck.

Find out he lied to you later about something? Break out the handcuffs! Find out he stopped and had a few drinks? See ya! Promised to do 90 in 90 and isn't doing it?

Whatever boundaries and even performance you set you do have control. If his Mom bonded him out and signed then you don't have this high level of control.

And picking up someone else's jewelry and pawning it does not earn any halos in my opinion... an authentic program of recovery is complete honesty and integrity. He isn't there by any stretch.

hi girl

i a glad that you and your daughters wont have to deal with the fallout from multiple felonies caused by your ah.

FWIW, i had a moment during my a relationship when my exa used really really bad judgement and he almost killed himself and three other people by accident. there were legal consequences that he dodged. he got off with a warning. at first i was mad and then thankful that they were all okay. I thought surely he must learn from that episode. he certainly talked about how he was a changed man yada yada yada. that "change" lasted about a month, maybe two.

I don't want to be a debbie downer, but i remember being really let down when the negative behavior returned as i thought that was the final aha moment for him but it wasn't.

my emotions rode the wave of how well or not he was doing and i didn't realize that was what i was doing. his bad judgement and unpredictability was still there it was just on hiatus at that moment.

hugs to you

i second hopeworks.

his lying and bad behavior is still present.