Oh, where to begin? (update)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Another confession as to my extremely Pollyanna attitude in the old days. My XA who was the love of my codie life has a few brushes with the law... only nineteen!!!
All alcoholic related of course. Open container, DUI, disorderly intox and most were before my time and he was in recovery when we met. But he relapsed because that is what A's do... they drink... and he got in a bad fix. He stole a tip off a table (yep. ripping off waitresses) to go buy a beer.
And then the cops ran him down and he got mouthy and they made it a felony!!! Well, when he got out he was mortified and had a "psychic change"... bottom moment, intense remorse, on his knees every morning and night, worked the steps with his sponsor, in meetings all the time.
He went to court and the judge withheld and he finished probation and then he.... drank. Yep... heat was off and it was time for relapse vacation (that's what I called them).
So... when the heat is on and the court day is pending they tend to have a change of heart but if it sticks is very, very much the million dollar question.
So.... when the wise souls on this board and in life suggest that we don't hitch OUR wagon to their star just because they are all dewy eyed and praying ... well, its darn good advice.
More will be revealed. promise ya that.
All alcoholic related of course. Open container, DUI, disorderly intox and most were before my time and he was in recovery when we met. But he relapsed because that is what A's do... they drink... and he got in a bad fix. He stole a tip off a table (yep. ripping off waitresses) to go buy a beer.
And then the cops ran him down and he got mouthy and they made it a felony!!! Well, when he got out he was mortified and had a "psychic change"... bottom moment, intense remorse, on his knees every morning and night, worked the steps with his sponsor, in meetings all the time.
He went to court and the judge withheld and he finished probation and then he.... drank. Yep... heat was off and it was time for relapse vacation (that's what I called them).
So... when the heat is on and the court day is pending they tend to have a change of heart but if it sticks is very, very much the million dollar question.
So.... when the wise souls on this board and in life suggest that we don't hitch OUR wagon to their star just because they are all dewy eyed and praying ... well, its darn good advice.
More will be revealed. promise ya that.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Busybodies conference sidebar here . . . .
[not really that harsh on you Hopeworks -- just funning a bit with this]
OH NO SHE DID NOT!
FS, tell me you did not. Right?
eeewwww. Ick. FS needs NONE of that crap.
FS takes care of FS and daughter.
FS does NOT need to babysit or monitor a drunk.
Yesterday. Today. or Tomorrow.
Exquackly.
ewww.. icckkk. Barforama.
FS is not stuck -- NOT because she has some third layer leverage over a drunk.
FS is NOT STUCK -- because she is Turning The Drunk over to God.
Right? Please be so.
Whatever boundaries and even performance you set you do have control. As SHE (All of us) Do Because We Do Not Take Sh1t From a Drunk.
Has nothing to do with Bail, Bonds, and Handcuffs.
GREAT! THAT makes him Mommy's Problem!
F R E E D O M!
Well true dat, sister.
[not really that harsh on you Hopeworks -- just funning a bit with this]
Originally Posted by Hopeworks 
I am assuming that you cosigned for his bail bond
FS, tell me you did not. Right?
and if that is so then he has been released into the surety's custody and if you want you can place any restrictions on him you wish or have his bail agent return him to custody.
FS takes care of FS and daughter.
FS does NOT need to babysit or monitor a drunk.
Yesterday. Today. or Tomorrow.
Now as I qm a card carrying certified recovering codie this is a dangerous territory because it can go overboard . . .
Exquackly.
but ... if you got him out and you see are logical and fair it could be a tool and if you see that that he starts going the wrong direction then I want you to now that you are not stuck.
Find out he lied to you later about something? Break out the handcuffs! Find out he stopped and had a few drinks? See ya! Promised to do 90 in 90 and isn't doing it?
Find out he lied to you later about something? Break out the handcuffs! Find out he stopped and had a few drinks? See ya! Promised to do 90 in 90 and isn't doing it?
FS is not stuck -- NOT because she has some third layer leverage over a drunk.
FS is NOT STUCK -- because she is Turning The Drunk over to God.
Right? Please be so.
Whatever boundaries and even performance you set you do have control.
Has nothing to do with Bail, Bonds, and Handcuffs.
If his Mom bonded him out and signed then you don't have this high level of control.
F R E E D O M!
And picking up someone else's jewelry and pawning it does not earn any halos in my opinion... an authentic program of recovery is complete honesty and integrity. He isn't there by any stretch.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Oh, he's far from innocent in all of this. Far, FAR from innocent or forgiven. I was just relieved to hear it wasn't a malicious, intended theft. He has a long road ahead of him with this alone nevermind the trust & respect issues. His friend worked out the bond issue, he put his house up. I am working on the attorney fees as I feel it is in my best interests to stay informed & understand any liability I may have. He has spoken to 2 so far & we have an appt on Monday with a 3rd.
Yes, I see obvious changes in his talk, but it is up to him to do the walking with it at this point.... the words are just words until the action follows. That is not something that he can fix in a day, week, month. It's easy to be fearful & grateful today, it's how he acts a year from now that will matter. I know this, I've said it in exactly those words. Nothing has changed in that respect.
I also think there is a sort of karmic balance here - even if he didn't deserve to be incarcerated in such an extreme environment for the literal crime, he DID deserve it for the way he treated his family... so maybe not so totally unfair.
With hindsight I can say that had I been the old Codie Me, I would have caught on to a lot of his BS leading up to this long before now - if I'd monitored his phone messages, emails, whereabouts (gps), searched his pockets for receipts, etc. And I can see how it would have fed right into justifying his actions in his mind, and continued to cushion his fall. I would have been signing up to own his stress instead of standing outside of it like I was, wondering how far he was willing to go on torturing himself.
MY recovery is what made/makes it so easy for me to stand beside him while he struggles in quicksand.
I also had a long talk with DD about how just because I'm angry with daddy doesn't mean I don't love him & just because I love him doesn't mean I'm not angry; and that it's perfectly OK & natural for her to feel conflicting emotions like that too. I told her that we all handle forgiveness in our own ways & timeframes depending on how we'd been hurt, and that as long as she continues to communicate what she is feeling to whoever she feels comfortable being honest with, she'll get there when/if she is ready because she's on nobody's timeline except her own.
Yes, I see obvious changes in his talk, but it is up to him to do the walking with it at this point.... the words are just words until the action follows. That is not something that he can fix in a day, week, month. It's easy to be fearful & grateful today, it's how he acts a year from now that will matter. I know this, I've said it in exactly those words. Nothing has changed in that respect.
I also think there is a sort of karmic balance here - even if he didn't deserve to be incarcerated in such an extreme environment for the literal crime, he DID deserve it for the way he treated his family... so maybe not so totally unfair.
With hindsight I can say that had I been the old Codie Me, I would have caught on to a lot of his BS leading up to this long before now - if I'd monitored his phone messages, emails, whereabouts (gps), searched his pockets for receipts, etc. And I can see how it would have fed right into justifying his actions in his mind, and continued to cushion his fall. I would have been signing up to own his stress instead of standing outside of it like I was, wondering how far he was willing to go on torturing himself.
MY recovery is what made/makes it so easy for me to stand beside him while he struggles in quicksand.
I also had a long talk with DD about how just because I'm angry with daddy doesn't mean I don't love him & just because I love him doesn't mean I'm not angry; and that it's perfectly OK & natural for her to feel conflicting emotions like that too. I told her that we all handle forgiveness in our own ways & timeframes depending on how we'd been hurt, and that as long as she continues to communicate what she is feeling to whoever she feels comfortable being honest with, she'll get there when/if she is ready because she's on nobody's timeline except her own.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Hammer
FS is NOT STUCK -- because she is Turning The Drunk over to God.
Right? Please be so.
Right? Please be so.
I have my own relationship with my HP, my own path that I walk with my own integrity. I have smiled, laughed & danced my way through even the hardest days & will continue to do so. I sleep soundly & peacefully when MY head hits my pillow at night. I have never been more confident about myself in this way before or in knowing that everything is exactly as it should be whether I understand the reasons why or not.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
You've made some awesome progress -- that's obvious. Good for you! Do what soothes your conscience, certainly. I don't have any easy answers for this. Just, wow.
I guess? Finding out my alcoholic husband was in jail for a passive, stupid theft after lying to me for weeks about whether or not he had a job (HOW did he think THAT was going to turn out?) wouldn't make me feel that great. Honestly, this would be a major deal breaker for me -- but that's me.
I was just relieved to hear it wasn't a malicious, intended theft.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I don't disagree Florence - our relationship is far from OK. There is a lot a thinking to do for sure, I was just "happy" that the legal issues weren't even worse than what they are.
I'm not ready to start dissecting the web of BS he created just yet, I'm too exhausted from the extended crisis state we've been living in. I need time to reset my system, eat a proper meal, rebuild my depleted adrenaline, etc. I'm taking some time to think through my questions & decide where I stand/what I feel before I hear his answers.
I'm not ready to start dissecting the web of BS he created just yet, I'm too exhausted from the extended crisis state we've been living in. I need time to reset my system, eat a proper meal, rebuild my depleted adrenaline, etc. I'm taking some time to think through my questions & decide where I stand/what I feel before I hear his answers.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I don't believe him.
It's just having been walking around for 50 years and I've never found several gold necklaces sitting by the side of the road when I had run out of cash and lost my job.
Maybe it's my bad luck?
Anyway, I'm glad to hear that you are keeping you in balance fire sprite. Ultimately, that's what is important here.
It's just having been walking around for 50 years and I've never found several gold necklaces sitting by the side of the road when I had run out of cash and lost my job.
Maybe it's my bad luck?
Anyway, I'm glad to hear that you are keeping you in balance fire sprite. Ultimately, that's what is important here.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
