da1sy

So, Saturday night abf was left alone and relapsed. I returned the next morning (we live together) to find the oh so familiar remorse and general mess. Relapse continued into a bender that is still going on. I myself suffered a codie relapse. The flushing of substances, the yelling, the calling his dealer, the believing empty addict promises, believing I could stop this. I guess I had stopped working my steps too because when it sank in that this was really happening after six months of blissful sobriety, I just snapped. Today is the first day that I'm truly trying to detach and accept that I can only change things for myself. I went to work, and when I came home to drunk abf, I left to meet up with friends. I'm beginning to understand the future implications of his addiction, and considering separation, although it is still too hard to think about committing to it. I truly believe that we are meant to be together, but only if he can get sober and be serious about recovery. He doesn't believe in AA and has a hard time becoming humble and reaching out to other people. I am going to try to let this run this course since I don't think he's ever had to truly on his own reach rock bottom and turn it around. I think he has been doing it for other people the whole time. It'll be hard because we live together, but I'm praying to my higher power to give me strength. I would appreciate all the prayers and advice that you can send my way!

OnawaMiniya

Hi, Daisy-

I'm so sorry...I definitely can identify with that feeling of "snapping" or going from zero to so upset I feel it physically when my husband hasn't been drinking and then does. Stupid of me since it's not like I'm even surprised in the slightest when this happens. Stupid of me because I know I need to leave (and am actually trying to get a plan in place right now though it will take me some time...if I had somewhere to go with my dog I would have left a while ago).

At times like that I also pray like you mentioned, asking just for the strength I need. To tough it out until I don't have to anymore. To not go off on him - or at least minimize it - because ultimately it just ends up making my night more of a living Hell. Which then makes me angry that my current choice is to either walk on eggshells/play "nice" when I'm feeling anything but, just to prevent MY night/day from being filled with MORE abuse, or stand up for myself and get extra abuse heaped on me. Then I have to pray for strength again lol.

The advice I'd give you, you already did - think about and pray for strength, and to get away physically, like you did by going out. I wish I had more...

Maybe, since you mentioned considering separation, just begin to put a plan in place. Save aside money in a secret account or a safe deposit box...Make sure you have copies of important documents in a safe place...consider what your options are regarding living quarters (will you kick him out or leave? If you leave, is there someone you can stay with? If not, look around at homes/apartments/rooms for rent, etc).

And I know you said it's hard to think about committing to separation. The good news here is, that's OK. You don't have to. But, in the event that things escalate and you can't take it anymore, you will have a plan and some cash to implement that plan. In other words, this doesn't have to be thought of as your plan-to-leave-definitely-for-sure. It can be thought of as your better-safe-than-sorry-plan.

Wishing you peace. ********{Hugs}}}}}

OnawaMiniya

Oh, and also, I see you are relatively new here as it says you have 8 posts. So, welcome to the forum, and keep posting. It helps so much to get it out from inside of you. Really.

Peace.