jarp

Can someone please point me to where I might start learning about this? I started seeing a new therapist on Tuesday but haven't really gotten in to the nitty gritty yet, and the only Al-Anon meeting I can attend I found goes for 1.5 hours which I cant get to (lunchbreak, have three small kids and no one to look after them at night).

Is there a book or something else someone can recommend?

TIA.

suki44883

It starts with Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable. You are powerless over whether or not your addict drinks. Sometimes, that is the hardest of the 12 steps.

Here's a link to an online Al-anon website...

Online Al-Anon Outreach

While face-to-face meetings are preferable, it is understandable that not everyone can do that. I hope you'll find something in that site that can help you.

choublak

At one of my meetings, people bring their kids with them and it's fine.

Quish16

Thanks Suki - I can't get to an An anon meeting easily in the uk - very expensive taxi cost and can't easily leave AH until I feel he is better. I will have a look at the online meetings.
Detachment is a nightmare. I am still in the early stages and it took me months even years to learn that I was powerless over HIS drinking and his behaviour and could only control my own behaviour.
Very best of luck and keep posting. This site is a lifesaver if you feel isolated. People do understand what you are coping with and are very supportive.

jarp

Thanks everyone I'll take a look at that link, and outreach. I think it would really help me to attend meetings but at this stage Im not sure how to manage it.

I feel really uncomfortable taking my kids so need to find alternatives. Where I live it seems it is lunchtime (I work), or 8pm type time in which case kids are in bed/ heading to bed.

Cant leave them with AH....not that he is even in the home at the moment. No family support close by either. So hoping for an alternative.

Booo

On the advice of people this board I have just downloaded "codependent no more" by melody beattie. I am just starting out, but it is frightening just how on the money the first two or three chapters are.
Especially if you can't get out, I think it's a great place to start. Best wishes to you. It's not easy, but it's easier when you know you are not alone.

honeypig

You can try this link also for phone and online meetings. http://www.al-anon.org/electronic-meetings

IMO, there is no substitute for an in-person meeting, but until you find some way to make it to one of those, this may be your best bet. I would also recommend reading as much Alanon literature as you can get your hands on plus spending as much time here reading (especially the stickies at the top of the page) as you can.

This is under the "About Recovery" section in the stickies: http://soberrecovery.com/forums/frie...detaching.html

hopeful4

You may want to try a Celebrate Recovery meeting if there is one near you? I take my 8 yr old to ours and have for 4 years and she loves it. They make it truly a great time for the kids at the one I attend and it has literally saved me in a time I was desperate for help in my own life and did not even realize it.

Good Luck and God Bless!

CarryOn

I second Codependent No More - detachment is a topic she addresses fully in one of the early chapters then references throughout.

Also, there is a paper bookmark through AlAnon that gives a good description...if you can get to a meeting (even if you are unable to stay for the entire meeting), see if they have the bookmark. You can also check out some of the AlAnon literature - try your local library and you can order online or purchase at a meeting.

Try searching SR for detachment...I know there are some good threads.

m1k3

Hi jarp, really good question. To describe what I do as a solution I need to describe the problem.

For me it was I have a hamster wheel in my head. I used to jump on that wheel and run and run at the slightest cause and even no cause. My AW didn't even have to be around for a big screaming fight to happen in my head. To be honest it was a terrible way to live.

So, in the course of my recovery I stumbled on something called mindfulness. It is a simple method of paying attention to your thoughts. When I first started doing this I would often find myself running like mad on the hamster wheel. I started by asking myself who are you talking to or is this important. Just asking the question was often enough to slow the wheel down and let me jump off. After working this practice for a while I noticed that I was stopping before I got on the wheel. I would be asking myself do you really want to go there. I have been doing this for several years now and I notice a huge difference in how I feel and how I react to things and not just with my AW.

There are large numbers of articles and vids out there on this subject. Some of them actually deal with how the practice of mindfulness literally rewires your brain.

One other thing there is a large amount of scientific studies showing the usefulness of mindfulness from several large universities and hospitals.

Your friend,

Recovering2

THere's also a great book (also by Melody Beattie) called "The Language of Letting Go". It's a daily reader, great stuff on detachment.

In the beginning, detaching meant stopping my own crazy behaviors and not trying to stop his. I quit looking for bottles, quit throwing them out when I saw them, quit pouring them out. I quit hiding his car keys. I quit answering back when he would try to pick a fight with me (he loved to do that as he was looking for an excuse to leave). When he would try to blame, I would not engage. I would say, "I hear what you're saying" or "Okay", or whatever. I quit waking him up if he fell asleep on the couch or chair, quit waking him in the morning for work. I left him on his path, and tried to stay in a calmer place in my own head. It took work at first, but much easier with practice. Even though he was spiraling, my life actually became a little calmer and I was able to focus on what I needed to do.

Hammer

My experience is the "Detachment with Love" stuff is when you start to earn your Alanon Black Belt or something.

At first you may have to practice "Detachment with a Chainsaw." That usually works.



Or maybe see if LuLu will loan you her Very Big Knife.

jarp

Thanks so much everyone, this place is so supportive. I've downloaded the new 'Co-dependent no more' book and will get stuck into that, along with reading the SR detachment post above.

Im starting some of the behaviours that you mention Recovering2 but am struggling to control the anxiety that comes with that! When does that calm appear?

M1k3 my GP actually recommended a whole lot of mindfulness resources as a way of calming my anxiety and insomnia. I'll definitely take a look at that...

Thx so much.

Recovering2

Oh Lordy Lordy!!!! I know that anxiety well!!! It takes a long time for that to go away. Remember, we're stuck in these behaviors. Even though they're unhealthy, they're comfortable somehow. So doing something that goes against what we're used to is hard initially. Letting go of our enabling is hard!

I used to walk by his car in the garage, and touch the hood. If it was hot, I would instantly search the car...and I usually found bottles. To make myself walk by that car and NOT touch it was hard for me!!! But honestly, what good did it do me to search the car?

I also knew there was stuff going on behind my back. I would hear his cell phone "ping" when he got a text and I would make sure to check it later. I also checked emails when he left his emails up. For a looong time after I decided to stop, I would be laying in bed and hear that "ping". My heart rate would instantly go up!!! I actually was surprised at my physical reaction to his phone pinging. Obviously, my behaviors had their own triggers. If I saw his email open, I would close it without looking...but it made me crazy to do it!!!!

I"m guessing here, but I think it took about 5-6 months before my anxieties went away. It got better over time. But it took me consistently "staying on my side of the street". I don't know how it would have been without AlAnon. That was the one place I went every week, twice a week, where I could talk honestly about my struggles detaching. I would get the support I needed to get to the next week. BTW - a lot of AlAnon meetings have on site baby sitting available at no charge.

A year later, I can laugh at my insane behaviors. But there was nothing funny at the time. Keep doing the work jarp.....you'll find serenity. (((hugs)))

hopeful4

I have been dealing with this for years. For me the calm comes and the calm goes. I give it to God and then I take it back. I trip right back into codependent behavior very very easily.

I think that is where you have to live a day at at time. For me, that is the hardest. I have always had a controlling personality and I HATE not knowing how things will be in 5 months or 5 years. Not so much for myself but for my kids. The one day at a time is the best way to be and I know that, implementing is quite another thing.

I was thinking about this today, wishing my mind would calm and would just become "usto" anxiety. I have to remember that I am in control of my own mind and filtering out the junk that goes in and out. I also have to remember that no matter what I fear, no matter what I say, no matter what God is in control. Nothing I say will make a difference in my AH's behavior. I can only control how I react to it, and that my friend I am working on.

Good luck to you and God Bless!

jarp

Thanks recovering2, I can relate to so much if what you say! I've only begun my journey but I think there have been tiny actions of mine that have led me here.... I remember when ah was out at night and my phone would ping I'd literally run to it...then I consciously stopped without knowing it was 'detachment' and my anxiety increased but now I barely register my phone has pinged at all!!! That's 2 years on from my promise to stop running like a lapdog!!! That's scary. Thanks again, I never really realised how unhealthy my actions are and yet there are all these people who've had similar experiences and dine similar things... And here was I thinking how original I am!!! Ha!