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Feeling "done"

Old 11-20-2013, 11:58 AM
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Feeling "done"

Hi everyone,

I don't post here much, so I'll just quickly re-cap my story:
I'm a double winner with almost a year of sobriety. I've been in Al-Anon for about 4 months, AA for about 2 months. AH is actively drinking with no plans to stop. 6 months ago, I learned that AH had cheated on me 8 months prior to that (so 14 months ago). I only learned this b/c I tested positive for an STD and he decided to tell me then. He said he blacked out and doesn't remember anything of the infidelity, only that he thinks something *might* have happened....well, obviously it did.

Besides the infidelity, he is great. He is an excellent dad (we have 3 young girls), and he is my best friend. We enjoy spending as much time as possible together. Yes, he is an alcoholic, but a functional one.

I've been going through the stages of grief with the infidelity. I was in denial, angry, then I tried bargaining (thinking if I became more sexual he would never need to look elsewhere), then depression (which I'm still in now), and now I've kind of come to acceptance.

My mom cheated on my dad 20 years ago, and this ended in divorce. My relationship with my mom to this day is shaky at best. I've never really gotten over it. We've gone for years without talking throughout the past 2 decades. So infidelity is the ONE THING I just can't deal with.

I tried. I thought it would get better with time, but it seems to be getting worse. And his drinking doesn't help things. When I come home from a meeting or from school and he is hammered, it just makes me even more angry about the underlying issue...the infidelity. My stomach is in a constant knot, I can't eat, so I'm losing weight, and I just feel so unhappy and broken. I can't let it go and it's poisoning me. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. The trust is broken and I just don't see a way to ever get back to where we were.

So I told him this. I told him that I didn't see it ending well, and I have to do what is best for me. I need to be healthy. He is very sad, but he gets it. He says he's going to moderate his drinking (good luck) and try to win my trust back. I told him there is really nothing he can do. So we are in a holding pattern now. We are still together, but I don't know for how long. The kids don't know anything yet...we are both worried about how to deal with that. Also, I'm a stay at home mom...I haven't worked in almost 10 years and have no income. I really don't know how this is all going to work. I just have to live one day at a time and believe that things will work out the way they are supposed to.

My sponsor warns me against doing anything rash. I know I've only been in program for 4 months, and you're supposed to wait a year before doing anything big, but I just can't live with him anymore...it's making me sick. And I don't know if him leaving will make me feel any better honestly. I just know that what I'm doing now isn't working.

Thoughts? Experience? Hugs?
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Old 11-20-2013, 12:13 PM
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He said he blacked out and doesn't remember anything of the infidelity, only that he thinks something *might* have happened...
*quack*

My sponsor warns me against doing anything rash. I know I've only been in program for 4 months, and you're supposed to wait a year before doing anything big, but I just can't live with him anymore...it's making me sick. And I don't know if him leaving will make me feel any better honestly. I just know that what I'm doing now isn't working.

Thoughts? Experience? Hugs?
You don't have to make any immediate decisions. Many people find they can "separate" from their partners while living under one roof, and taking the time away from the relationship and turning it on themselves can be a growth experience. If I were you, I would find a way to take a break from your husband, his infidelity, and his drinking, and prepare yourself for what's next by really taking care of yourself for a few days. Think comfort, quiet, and soothing activities.

For me, long term therapy, once a week minimum with no excuses, was what turned me around. Therapy, self-care, education about addiction and mental health, and SR. I find that with exercise, lots to do, fun hobbies, healthy eating, and quality sleep, I can handle just about anything. When I can't do these things, my stores dry up really quickly and I have to break from normal life for a day or two to get back to normal.
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Old 11-20-2013, 12:18 PM
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{hugs} {hugs}{hugs}
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Old 11-20-2013, 12:19 PM
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if you are considering going it alone then it would behoove you to seek gainful employment, so you can sustain yourself.
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Old 11-20-2013, 12:24 PM
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SomewhereElse--a good first step would be to get a job. Perhaps, also seeing an attorney and finding out what is involved with a legal separation. I don't believe the idea of waiting for o ne full year is a LAW. If you are to the point of not eating and losing weight--your welfare is at stake. Your mental and physical health should be your first priority. How can you be a good mother if you are this unhappy?

I just wanted to share these thoughts with you.

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Old 11-20-2013, 12:33 PM
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I am in school (2 nights a week at school, plus an online class). I graduate in May. My youngest is in half-day kindergarten, so I only have 3 hours a day to myself. I babysit for a friend 5 days a week (just for about an hour a day after school). I don't see how I could fit in enough work to really support myself...plus I really have no skills (and no degree yet).
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Old 11-20-2013, 12:53 PM
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Breaking off a marriage without an income is impossible unless you are going to receive a healthy alimony check or you have generous parents.
Both of those stink. Taking care of ourselves is what makes us feel capable, strong, and in control of our own lives.
I think you're putting the cart before the horse. If you don't have a plan in place financially to make it alone, then you need that before bringing up divorce.
I feel for your emotions, I really do. Infidelity is the worst, for most of us, emotionally.
But the money driven world doesn't give a rat's ass about our feelings.

That said, you do deserve and need some support for all of this! It's heartbreaking! Have you considered individual counseling? Marital counseling with someone who deals in infidelity? There are plenty qualified out there.

My dad cheated on my mom and they stayed married. My mom became a drunk instead of getting a divorce. You can't stuff these emotions or your sobriety will be at risk. You deserve help, you need help, and you have to go get it.
Grab the strength inside yourself and get the help you need!
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Old 11-20-2013, 12:58 PM
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what are you in school for? does it translate to a real job? you can't make it in this world with no money. no income. unless you think you are getting seriously hefty alimony and child support??? being self supporting is an absolute MUST. certainly you have some skills, probably a lot more transferable than you think. get a job at the lower end and work your way up. i've been with my organization for 22 years now...started as a temp, photocopying stuff. today, without a degree, i am in charge of MILLIONS of dollars in grant funding and am the administrator for a group of 15.
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Old 11-20-2013, 01:16 PM
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In all seriousness, lots of women get up and go to work each day without a college degree in their purse. ( myself included) Regarding your friend whom you babysit for an hour a day, she certainly can make other arrangements for daycare. Seems to me, you are concentrating on the somewhat non issues vs. the really important stuff.

Sounds like the wheels of motion are turning in your head, and the time has come for you to make your own plan. These things do not happen overnight, but a bit of preplanning can prevent future hardship and disappointment. You are graduating in May, there is a light at the end of the tunnel , this is good, and an accomplishment of which you can be proud. Unless the field of work you are entering requires licensing, state boards, there are companies/businesses who will consider hiring people who are very close to graduation. You really never know until you knock on that door.

Infidelity is a deal breaker in my book, and I am sorry that you have had to experience such hurt and betrayal. But these are the private matters between a husband and wife that only the two of you can resolve/ come to terms with. And often the solution is not the desired result.

Currently your health and well being are at risk. Time to turn the focus inward and take better care of yourself, you cannot undo what has transpired, but you certainly have the opportunity to address your own personal feelings and needs.

If it's not working, it's not working, and that is the real issue. Time for SomewhereElse to figure out SomewhereElse.

Sending you tons of support!
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