ex-AH calling repeatedly now
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
ex-AH calling repeatedly now
It is all happening in the same pattern as last year, but yet seems to be moving a little faster.
He got real bad with drinking and ultimately left, all much faster this year than last year. Now he is 'missing me' and second guessing it all faster than last year too.
But otherwise, it's the same script. He called me this morning before work and again on my way home from work. Just chatting, friendly and trying to be charming as can be. Eventually got to complaining about the new girl...
She is too controlling. She wants him to quit drinking. She isn't as nice as me. He sometimes calls her my name. He had more fun with me. He was happier with me. He is ready to end it. He misses me. Will I come to Vegas again this year for the pool tournament as his guest in his room (we've gone every year and married there the first year.)
That is the much, much shortened version of the progression of the two calls.
I can only say I felt nothing except fascination at watching it all play out. It is almost amazing. It truly is as if he lives in some bizarro world in his head where he is stuck in this cycle and doesn't see how ridiculous it is. Like Ground Hog Day the movie.
Last year it had me missing him and hoping for the chance he'd seen the err of his ways, etc etc etc. When he asked to reconcile with promises of sobriety I thought he'd hit his bottom and would change.
This year I don't think that at all. I think he is stuck in a cycle he may not break out of, ever. And one that I don't want to be part of.
And thanks to this forum (and Mr Johnson's post about the Addictive Play) I have learned that I can change the part I play in the script. I was kind and friendly. No "I told you so", no trying to use this time to "get through to him". There is no such thing, it was a futile exercise I no longer wish to attempt. I was not angry, I gues I fianlly know what 'detached' means. I really didn't care.
I just chatted with mild amusement and ended the call when asked about going to Vegas with him, saying No, I wouldn't want to go. No fight, just said I didn't want to, but thanks.
He got real bad with drinking and ultimately left, all much faster this year than last year. Now he is 'missing me' and second guessing it all faster than last year too.
But otherwise, it's the same script. He called me this morning before work and again on my way home from work. Just chatting, friendly and trying to be charming as can be. Eventually got to complaining about the new girl...
She is too controlling. She wants him to quit drinking. She isn't as nice as me. He sometimes calls her my name. He had more fun with me. He was happier with me. He is ready to end it. He misses me. Will I come to Vegas again this year for the pool tournament as his guest in his room (we've gone every year and married there the first year.)
That is the much, much shortened version of the progression of the two calls.
I can only say I felt nothing except fascination at watching it all play out. It is almost amazing. It truly is as if he lives in some bizarro world in his head where he is stuck in this cycle and doesn't see how ridiculous it is. Like Ground Hog Day the movie.
Last year it had me missing him and hoping for the chance he'd seen the err of his ways, etc etc etc. When he asked to reconcile with promises of sobriety I thought he'd hit his bottom and would change.
This year I don't think that at all. I think he is stuck in a cycle he may not break out of, ever. And one that I don't want to be part of.
And thanks to this forum (and Mr Johnson's post about the Addictive Play) I have learned that I can change the part I play in the script. I was kind and friendly. No "I told you so", no trying to use this time to "get through to him". There is no such thing, it was a futile exercise I no longer wish to attempt. I was not angry, I gues I fianlly know what 'detached' means. I really didn't care.
I just chatted with mild amusement and ended the call when asked about going to Vegas with him, saying No, I wouldn't want to go. No fight, just said I didn't want to, but thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
thanks for the support
I know the attention and charm is what we codies are addicted to. I also know I have to fight that everyday, one day at a time, just like other addictions are handled.
I am working very hard to stay in 'reality' and not slip into some fantasy of thinking he would be different. Talking here, and to people in my life, helps me to 'keep it real.' I plan to keep doing both for as long as I need to.
I guess a hard part for the emotionally needy side of me is knowing it could be a very long time before I meet someone who is going to be ok for me to have a real healthy and loving relationship with.
As a codie, I also want to fix things and have it all NOW. :-)
I am working very hard to stay in 'reality' and not slip into some fantasy of thinking he would be different. Talking here, and to people in my life, helps me to 'keep it real.' I plan to keep doing both for as long as I need to.
I guess a hard part for the emotionally needy side of me is knowing it could be a very long time before I meet someone who is going to be ok for me to have a real healthy and loving relationship with.
As a codie, I also want to fix things and have it all NOW. :-)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Me,
It;s happening because you are different than last year and he is scared that he's going to lose at his game.
Keep track of evey little thing he says and does in case you need it for the police.
He's obviously got a screw loose and these people don't like to lose control. Protect yourself.
Ngaire
It;s happening because you are different than last year and he is scared that he's going to lose at his game.
Keep track of evey little thing he says and does in case you need it for the police.
He's obviously got a screw loose and these people don't like to lose control. Protect yourself.
Ngaire
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Indianapolis, In
Posts: 112
OK.......can someone explain why we are susceptible to charm?? This keeps happeneing to me and I can't figure it out.
Spunky (I like that name...hope you don't mind if it catches on)...I think you are doing great. I can totally relate to your feelings of wanting a healthy relationship NOW. Me too!!
Spunky (I like that name...hope you don't mind if it catches on)...I think you are doing great. I can totally relate to your feelings of wanting a healthy relationship NOW. Me too!!
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