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Here We go Again !!!

Old 11-20-2013, 10:49 AM
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Here We go Again !!!

Ok.. I have once again throwed him out and guess who picked him up ??? His wife from whom he has been seperated from for 6 years. He doesn't see the problem of him telling her he loves her he states " It's just habit". Who the H__L!!!! Habit you don't tell someone you love them out of habit. At least most normal people don't. I miss him like crazy and I keep telling myself this is it!!! I have to let go before he destroys me.

I am already mentally and physically exhausted of taking care of him. How do I let go????

I know he really wannts to be with her and I just keep taking his crap and drinking.

A part of me feels a burden has been lifted that he is gone and the other part is so depressed and can hardly make it through the day with out crying ( numerous times).

Any advice in how to stop the maddness of me letting him come back and in a couple of weeks trowing him out again . Where he runs back to her.I want to let go and move on. I just really have no idea how

I want a peaceful Christmas and no Drama. This year will be hard enough. I lost my Dad in August and he was my Rock !!

Please any advice would help... If you been where I am and made it through. Would you share you secret ???
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Old 11-20-2013, 10:54 AM
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Originally Posted by delusional View Post
I miss him like crazy and I keep telling myself this is it!!! I have to let go before he destroys me.

I am already mentally and physically exhausted of taking care of him. How do I let go????
You let go by believing your own words. You are mentally and physically exhausted and it is likely going to get worse. He will destroy you and the longer you wait the harder it gets.

I have left him 3 times and each time it was harder.

But this time I made a promise to myself. Enough!!!

If you haven't been to alanon, please go. Find yourself a therapist if you can, they can help you to understand why you keep letting him come back and be strong engough to say no more.

You are worth more than what he is offering you.
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Old 11-20-2013, 11:00 AM
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counseling would be a very wise move. you need some help and guidance here, to A) come to believe that YOU are worth more than this BS and B) to learn why you put yourself in this type of situation.

one more time....he is MARRIED, he went back to his WIFE.

nuf said. end of story.

you want a drama free life? then quit letting drama waltz in the door.
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Old 11-20-2013, 11:12 AM
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Anvil is spot on. The reason you keeping letting him back is 100% about YOU, and has little or nothing to do with HIM.

Getting at the reason I would rather be with someone awful than by myself was the lynchpin of my recovery. Sending you strength to keep the door closed this time.
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Old 11-20-2013, 11:23 AM
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Sometimes our own thinking gets in our way and we need someone to help us see things from a different perspective. Counseling would be the way for you to go.

Healthy people attract healthy people.............unhealthy people attract unhealthy people.

Time for you to get off this unhealhty ride.
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Old 11-20-2013, 11:37 AM
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Some things that helped me: Live in the present. If you find yourself ruiminating about him, the relationship, his wife, etc...STOP. Focus on the smells, sounds, etc around you. Realize that all the crying, feeling awful in the world doesn't change it.
Resolve to journal daily. Try not to talk to all your support system about it. They are tired of watching you go through this.

Getting the journey from abandonment to healing. Excellent book that truly helps.

Make a "favorites" list...things you like to do. Mine are watching mindless TV and baths. Be good to yourself.

Block his phone number. This prevents you from obscessing about his contact.

Envision a life without the chaos. What will it look like? What did your life look like before him?
Remember you only have to get through today and do the right thing for you.
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Old 11-20-2013, 11:39 AM
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I am new here, but have been part of a divorce forum for years and your problem sounds like the ones posted over there.

First, you stay away from him by going NO Contact. No phone calls, no emails, no Facebook likes, in fact, delete him from any social networking sites you have.

Second, You will feel horrible for a while. I know when I left my narcissistic, cheating ex, I questioned myself over and over. I knew in my head it was the right thing to do, but my heart was another matter. Your head is right, listen to it.

Write down everything that frustrates you, drives you crazy, all the stuff you "put up with." When the going gets tough, read the list. It will give you the strength you need to get through this.

When I walked in on my ex's affair, I felt dead inside and in reality, I was. What I did not know was that was also the day my life started over and I am so much better off now. My thoughts are my own. I don't have to check in with his mood 30 times a day. I have MY life back.

This will be tough, but in the end, you will better. Stay strong.
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Old 11-20-2013, 11:50 AM
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He's been separated from his wife for 6 yrs but hasn't bothered to get divorced?

I think that really says it all, don't you? He's left himself a doorway to walk back through anytime he feels like it and you are accepting that disrespect. You deserve better than that!!
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Old 11-20-2013, 12:26 PM
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Wow. A lot of men dream about this scenario and would like to get coaching from him how to do it. Not the men that come here, of course.

So. Let's think about him for a minute.
What incentive does he have to change his ways?
None.
Zero.
Zip.
Nada.

He has two wives. A legal one, and a common-law. Both take him back every time he calls.

I bet that hurts like hell.
It would for me. I recognize your pain.
But he has no incentive to change. None.
So who has to change?
The woman in your mirror.
Hugs.
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Old 11-25-2013, 08:30 AM
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I get what you are saying now!!! Last night he called and wanted me to come and get him from his wifes home. She was getting on his nerves. After realizing he did as he pleased. If she made him mad he came back to me. If I made him mad he called her. WOW what an eye opener. He wants his cake and eat it too. So he has no incentive to change. Though he was suprised when I said I am not coming after you. He can't have it both ways and she is getting his beer for him, so why should he leave?? He knows I want get it and he is not allowed to drink in my home. I was even shocked at myself that I didn't jump in the car and go after him. So I have to say thank you very much. You made me see that he will continue to have 2 women if I let him.
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Old 11-25-2013, 08:36 AM
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Isn't it amazing when you take a step back and see it for what it is? You are right, he is trying to have his cake and eat it too. It seems you are shifting to take a look at your own situation and your own healing, that is great! To just jumb b/t two women is nothing but...SELFISH. Is he looking at your feelings at all? Nope.

Hats off to you! Keep up the good work and keep posting! We are here holding your hand every step of the way!


Originally Posted by delusional View Post
I get what you are saying now!!! Last night he called and wanted me to come and get him from his wifes home. She was getting on his nerves. After realizing he did as he pleased. If she made him mad he came back to me. If I made him mad he called her. WOW what an eye opener. He wants his cake and eat it too. So he has no incentive to change. Though he was suprised when I said I am not coming after you. He can't have it both ways and she is getting his beer for him, so why should he leave?? He knows I want get it and he is not allowed to drink in my home. I was even shocked at myself that I didn't jump in the car and go after him. So I have to say thank you very much. You made me see that he will continue to have 2 women if I let him.
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