meggem

I think I’m done. I think I witnessed quacking last night but I’m not sure. All of your screen names were whirling around in my head last night as I flipped back and forth from engaging to not engaging.

One of the tapes that has been playing for 7 years is “can’t you help me out when you get home from work, get something started, do a task or two” and I always get lame excuses and reasons and then apologies and admission of failure and how he knows he needs to A-B and C.

So remember I’m the lone ranger while he goes to IOP. Two small kids and I work full time.

I think I’m getting a cold. I’m not sure. I come home, it’s close to 6 and I feel a bit defeated, I told him I wasn’t sure if I was getting sick but I felt off. and I know he hasn’t really done anything but mill and dwaddle and I know he’s probably only been home for maybe 30 minutes. But still – I walk in the door and it’s like second shift for me, I start dinner, I have a toddler- need I explain further. Baths are needed – dinner is needed. It’s chaos. But not for my RA. And I use the letter R loosely.

Fast forward so not to bore you. I again, wonder wish and ask what he is doing to participate – I ask if he can do the baths tonight – Did he have any thoughts about dinner? He’s like freaking worthless. He tells me all about the nothing he has done since he got home. What he described I do without even thinking.

It starts to get a little heated. Toddler is crying at my legs, I’m trying to microwave mac and cheese I said – just go give them baths. I’m going to make myself some pasta. Here it comes. “So..what…is this just fend for yourself – is that how it’s going to be?” (defensive I want to argue tone of voice) I say “and if it WAS?????? – are you capable”??????? we elaborate on this a bit and it’s ridiculous and the tape is playing.

Then he says ….”It seems to me that you consider me being home a free pass” something something. Basically all responsibility gets dumped on him. I don’t remember how he finished the sentence because I cannot believe he said that. The same person who said “whatever you need, you aren’t on an island anymore, a lot is going to change around here blah blah blah”

He later retracted that what he REALLY meant was “when are we going to spend time together” and “he wants to eat as a family” something something. And he said “I know you go through a lot here by yourself” and I cut him off – STOP – DON’T EVEN SAY IT. JUST STOP TALKING.

How does one ACCIDENTLY say “I hope you don’t think it’s ok to slack since I’m here tonight “ but really mean “I miss you and want to be a family?” – How does that happen? What IS THIS? What the FLIP IS THIS?

He may as well just drink he’s still a self-centered rotten son of a B who is only good at reflection AFTER THE FACT. If he acted and spoke like he does AFTER THE FACT – it would be fine.

I don’t need this. It’s calmer when he’s not around. I DON’T NEED THIS. I textd him this morning and told him to consider our marital status as separated but living under the same roof. This is ridiculous.

I also think -which I told him – the best thing for my recovery – would be to get away from him. I’m so angry right now I could get a lawyer.

wanttobehealthy

You're wise to use the R in RA loosely bc it doesn't sound for a second that he's invested in R or the family or acting like a grown man AT ALL.

I couldn't understand alcoholism for the longest time... I thought it had to do w drinking but in actuality the worst of xAH was when he wasn't drinking. His entitlement, arrogance, refusal to help, selfishness, laziness, self righteousness in the face of his own ridiculous behavior etc THAT was what drove me mad.

I have friends who've been posting their 30 days of thanks on Facebook and one especially jumped out bc she wrote about how her H was her best friend, how she has never had to ask him to be an equal partner as a parent or to help w the house hold issues etc.... Her H is a guys guy, a cop, a great guy. Not some lame push over who is the exception to the rule.

He's a normal guy. Normal guys don't resent pitching in, doing their share and being a grown up. Normal guys who are RA's have a program that helps them manage their issues and helps them figure out how to be present in their family life (my sponsor is a "double winner" as she says and I value immensely her perspective on calling BS on excuses "R" A's make for why they should be allowed to remain lazy and petulant).

I'm really sorry you're dealing w his crap. I find that I still do it all myself as you do, but not having a petulant selfish A underfoot makes it all so much more manageable.

I'm mad for you at your "R" A husband. What an ass.

meggem

thank you wanttobehealthy. I'm glad you are mad at him too. I cannot believe it. I just can't. I am doing EVERYTHING. What he should have said to be last night was "you think you are getting a cold? Sit down. you are probably so run down lately from carrying the load. Let me order a pizza for us - plain? sausage?" He hasn't even been home 2 weeks!

No - he accidently says - don't think you are going to be a slacker since I am here when he REALLY meant was - I miss being a family and want to eat dinner together as famly - wtf??? Is this sh*t for real? He says that is not what he meant. It came out wrong. The disgusting truth is that he probably did mean to say something else.

MissFixit

hi meg,

I hear you that you are exhausted, overwhelmed and overworked. Take deep breaths... Are you talking with a therapist? Have you tried yoga, anti-anxiety meds or exercise to help with the stress? Even 10 minutes can take the edge off. That is what has worked for me when I go through stressful periods.

you texted him that you are separated now? my exa used to sweet talk and then act out when i distanced myself from him.

meggem

yup and now we are playing another tape where I allow him to talk me out of it. He's telling me how hard he is trying and now f-ed up he feels and how he truly cares very deeply for me and he is really trying and sorry. and that things are very stressful right now with his IOP nights - I have an appointment for private counseling December 6th - can't get it any sooner because of the Queen ("R"A)

Florence

Meg, I often felt the same way. When he relapsed (for the gazillionth time) and finally pushed me to make the real break, I was surprised at how easy it was to do what I needed to do without him there. All my fears were unfounded -- I was already doing everything by myself. I was capable, responsible, and willing to go the extra mile for my family.

Once he was gone, without that dead weight dragging down my finances, time, and emotional energy, it was comparatively easier than with him there. With time, therapy, and SR, I figured out how to change my attitude to embrace the challenges of single motherhood, and I find I quite like it this time (this is my second time). I have no plans to un-single myself.

Anyway, I always felt like I was trying to get a sailboat to go upriver against the wind while dragging an anchor. Whenever I deal with him, it feels that way. It's not about me, it's not about the kids, it's not about our needs. It's him, 100%. While I choose to chase a healthier, more productive life, he does not. It's his loss.

The next step is separation under two roofs.

MissFixit

i think the term used in alanon is king baby...but i like the queen too.

hopeful4

I have not said it aloud Meg, but I am truly in the same boat except my AH is not even a pretend RA lol. I consider my status separated living under the same roof. My AH is acting bizarre lately even when not drinking, I don't know if it's his meds or what (and don't care why). He is mean and a jerk one second and trying to cuddle the next....what????

Last night someone (no one owns up but who cares who) dropped a TP roll into the toilet. Now, I know it is the toilet but it was just cleaned and it is a new roll of tp, not like it's used. I would have plucked it out, pitched it and not thought another thing about it. O no...AH had an absolute cussing fit apparently. (I was not even home from work yet). How stupid. Then he is laying on the couch looking at phone w/headphones in. I sit down on the chair and say, "Are you watching this show?" I was going to change it to the news. He throws the remote to me, says "Watch what you want" in a very nasty tone and goes and lays on our bed. I go ask what the problem is (I genuinely have no idea) and he goes into some sort of rant which I won't tolerate so I have no idea, I just walked away (I don't participate in listening to quacking, that is a bunch of BS). The thing is, about an hour later he comes downstairs and kisses me on the head and says "What's wrong, you seem upset about something?" Ha ha ha...what a lunatic. I know for a fact he was not drinking so I don't know what. He does not use street drugs at all and is taking some new meds that his dr switched him too, I dont know.

So this morning I very casually explain that he has lost it, that I have no intention of walking on eggshells around someone and putting up w/this BS or to have my kids do so either and that things are changing for me and he better prepare himself for that. He texts me at work that he has called the dr to see if she can change his meds b/c he thinks this medicine is making him angry. I told him I am glad he is addressing the problem but that for me I don't really care what is causing it, I just know I have no intentions of living like that no matter the cause. If he can figure it out, fine. If not, that's fine too. He will have to deal one way or another.

I have completely detatched. I don't necessarily think that is all good in that I don't think it's healthy to live with someone you have to be completely detatched from. I have counseling today and plan to address all of this at this time. I feel a calm that clearly scares him and it's such a different feeling than what I have felt for so many years that it sort of freaks me out too.

I respect your saying, I work full time then come home to my other full time job. I do all the crap around my house. You know, a few yrs ago it made me so mad that I stopped doing AH's laundry, stopped cooking his dinner, etc. I did not complain or even acknowledge I did it until he brought it up. I calmly told him I need help and if he cannot help me he can at least take care of his own crap. That got the point across alright. He immediately started helping, but i've let it slack off, guess I will do that again. My kids should be helping too, they are old enough to help out and are so LAZY, that is a fact.

My AH does the whole I spend too much time alone and i'm having trouble right now thing too. Guess what...boo hooo.....I am having trouble too. Suck it up.

You are not alone Meg. I totally relate to what you are going through. Keep working on you. Breathe.

Hugs!!!

wanttobehealthy

Stop listening to his words and tell him his ACTIONS will be what you assess. At the very end of things w XAH I sounded like a broken record saying that and then walking away.

Best strategy I found for my own sanity.

There is NOTHING reasonable about his being a lazy POS. He's not working hard at recovery, he's not trying... He wouldn't get away w this at a job and he thinks he can pull it at home bc he figures there is no consequence at home. He knows he can start blaming you and saying nasty things and you'll take the bait and then he's succeeded at projecting his BS behavior off of him.

Life w only 2 kids vs 3 in my house is a lot nicer.

dandylion

meggem--what I hear you "screaming"---is that you do not feel valued in this relationship.
I don't know for sure...but, that is what it sounds like.

Even if I am remotely close on this--this is a biggie in a relationship---up there with the basics like trust and respect.

If this is how you feel--this is how you feel. Don't let him "twist" it so that or manipulate it to devalue your feelings.

This is tough--I don't know him, but he sound like another "king Baby".

Maybe you two do need a period of separation........

dandylion

meggem

He always was a diva - I just thought to give him the benefit of the doubt for the 5 MINUTES he's been back from rehab. OH I'm screaming all right.

He wants to talk at lunch - he's already texting me blah blah blah - love and sorry and stress and trying. He's not the same person that he was a month ago - I have to believe that - BLAH

I will tell him what hopeful said - I am glad you are addressing these issues and you are doing what you feel is right for you. I am doing the same for my issues which is to seperate while living under the same roof. BUH BYE.

Oh I'm fuming.

wanttobehealthy

Tell him you'll believe the person he is based on how he ACTS not what he says. He just wants you to buy the words w out any action. This is a familiar merry go round.

Florence

A great boundary for me was not engaging in this craziness while I was at work. I wouldn't respond to him during the work day. Nothing was so urgent that it had to be decided that very minute, at the expense of our only income security.

marie1960

I understand your level of expectation for your husband.

But right now, as in today, he currently cannot/will not/ is unable fulfill that role.

Thinking if you let go of the expectation, you will be less disappointed.

is it fair ? Hell no, but this is where you currently are. Only you can decide how you want to proceed.

Raising kids is alot of work, and currently you are carrying the whole load, actually this goes alot deeper than who is going to bathe the children, who is going to cook dinner, who is doing the laundry,........ all of these tasks are part of daily life, with him or without him.

Often our disappointment of the most basic thing snowballs, and here you are, knocking on WTF's door. What should not even be an issue, becomes consuming, and we find ourselves stuck in a rut, having to lather, rinse, repeat just gets old...........

We are hear and listening, sending you tons of support.

meggem

why not marie1960. I'm really asking. I'm not being smart. Why can't he fulfil that role. Does being an A or an early RA prohibit you from basic fundamentals? again, I am truly asking.

dandylion

meggem---I agree that you two could use some separation, right now. Some breathing space to sort yourselves out.

However, and I can attest to this, personally--your plan for separation while under the same roof sounds so good on paper--especially when you are so mad--but, it is a lot harder to do than say. Especially, when you have little kids, and you still seem to have expectations of him. If you lived in a large castle--where you never actually see each other and have completely separate entrances, etc.....it is a bit easier.

I am giving you a "heads up" that you should be prepared to give up all expectations of him---if you want the "separated under same roof" to work.

dandylion

wanttobehealthy

Im not who you asked but I will throw out an answer... He can't bc he's an alcoholic, he's selfish, unmotivated, resentment filled and doesn't have the motivation or internal value system that tells him to be a man and do his job/his share.

He could sober up, go to AA or therapy and develop some skills but if he's like most active addicts he's content being lazy and drinking and letting everyone down bc even if that sucks for him sometimes, it's a whole lot easier than the effort required to change.

That's my two cents.

JustAGirl1971

This is what I had to do. My husband was actually helpful for most of our marriage - helped with baths & homework, did the yard work, grocery shopping, most of the cooking & frequently cleaned the kitchen. Occasionally did everyone's laundry, too. When he was laid off a couple years ago, the first few months were wonderful - he did most everything except the laundry and bathrooms. It's been a downhill slide since. He started school so it seemed fair that he would do less. DS took over the yard work, dd the litter box, & me the rest of the housework. Then he started working part-time, too, so I took over most of the cooking and grocery shopping. Now, he's quit school but can't be bothered to help with the housework. Apparently, he can't be bothered to pay the bills either since we've had 2 utilities turned off within a week of each other (had money in the account.) I will probably have to take that over but it will require changes in our bank accounts. I've just stopped expecting anything. If he goes grocery shopping, I'm pleasantly surprised. If he cleans the kitchen or cooks dinner on his day off, it's a bonus. It totally sucks but it is what it is, I guess.

In my opinion, detaching and removing expectations is a step towards separating. I think when we no longer expect anything from them and we detach from the craziness, the obsessive thinking will (hopefully) decrease & we'll gradually realize the fallacies in our reasons for staying with them. At least, that's what I'm hoping.

FireSprite

Meg (& Hopeful) - Wow, your story(ies) are so similar to mine in many ways I could practically cut & paste together sentences from both of your posts & present it as my own.

I'll try to condense my thoughts & not repeat much of what's already been said in this thread.

Early Recovery sucks. For everyone. It was WAY worse in a lot of ways than dealing with an active A because it was slippery slope that changed daily with no real point of reference. (I had an idea of what to expect when he was drinking even if it was bad, you know?) We were on very different pages, stages, focuses - all of it. We had previously been separated for 2 yrs & only just back living together for about 8 months at the time & I often wished for that distance of separation again. I absolutely understand how difficult that is.

I also agree that he isn't anywhere close to where he will be later in recovery - just on a physiological level alone. Everything in his mind & body is resetting & it makes him sometimes MORE illogical than he seemed to be while drinking. I read a lot in those early days about the physical changes of a newly detoxing person from a purely inquisitive POV and it explained (but didn't excuse) a lot.

That doesn't make it ok, but if you keep this in mind & stop "going to the hardware store for bread" it can help you retain your sanity in those moments. I even told him - "look, I know x, y, z & other things are happening but none of that gives you a pass on manners & respect, etc"... Sometimes that helped, sometimes it didn't, in which case I would detach & walk away from the conversation. If there is more to be revealed, more will be revealed, right? Plus, if he was committed to recovery I should/would see a decrease in this behavior as it slowly was replaced with better behavior, decisions, judgements, etc., IMO.

Of course, if he isn't committed to recovery it doesn't matter, right? It's one thing if it's happening outside of his control (like a chain of dominos, the natural flow of changes of early detox) another thing if he's still seeking ways to relapse.

I swear I can feel your anger through the monitor today, and I don't blame you!

Charmed3

Meggem - I am so sorry for what you are going through. So often we all read stories similar to our own. Yours is similar in mine with the exception that we didn't have children at home.

But he did arrive home 1-1/2 hours before me everyday, refused to start dinner or help with any housework. I have had several back surgeries and he knows there are some things I am incapable of doing. I paid my son to clean once a week to avoid conflict with him over housework. If I said something about dinner, he would go off on me or he say lets do fend for yourself. So when I would make my own, he would then complain that I didn't go ahead and fix him something too. If he took a day off work (which became often in the last 6 months before I left) he claimed he should not have to do anything on "his" day off, that it was HIS relaxing time, his "benefit time". Oh but if I took a day off..... he would expect dinner ready because I was home all day. Everytime I would say WTH??? Until it became pointless. I began to understand with every disagreement we had two sets of standards, one for him which required little and one for me that required I be the dutiful wife, understand his problems, be patient, forget anything in the past (which was any thing that happened before the current day, because he would always say "today is a new day". ) He outright said it was my job to take care of him.

When he relapsed last time, we actually agreed to file for a legal separation (my request) and continue living in the same home to pay off bills and see if no responsibilites to each other would help our situation. So I quit expecting anything of him and his expectations of me and rudeness and threats progressed because I wasn't being a the good wife.

Everyone's situation is different but for me it was impossible to live in our home as separate lives because he could no more abide by that agreement than he could any other we made. Once I stepped back and quite enabling or helping he got worse. Much worse.

I would suggest that if you are considering leaving, find a few lawyers that offer free consultation. If you stay no big deal, but if you are preparing to leave, the information and advice they give you could serve to be invaluable. Most of what they tell you will still be good info 6 months, 9 months, a year or longer.

I hope your day gets better.