He may have put the nail in his coffin last night
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
why not, you ask?
Because that is not who he currently is.
While you are still holding on to the guy you fell in love with, married, had babies with, a very evil mistress moved into your home by the name of addiction. Addiction is selfish.
As he commits to a recovery program, you are left holding the bag. I understand these folks are fighting for their lives, I commend and support those that can commit to recovery, but......... in the back of my mind I cannot help think well if you weren't so damn selfish in the first place, this never would have happened, for christ sake, it's just a glass of beer, wine, or a mixed drink and you let this overtake your/our life..........
And then I come to the present, and acknowledge this is a disease, a very ugly disease, and an alcoholic will carry this disease with him the rest of his life. Personally, I never want to be involved with an active or recovering alcoholic, but I certainly can empathize with their disease.
I can only suggest you get brutally honest with yourself meggam. The truth will allow you to live in peace.
IMHO, sometimes you have to take a step back to go forward. To be there on a daily basis, and be affected the way you currently are, is only going to create more resentment, and love does not/ cannot thrive in a bucket of resentment.
If today is as good as it ever will be is that good enough for you?
Because that is not who he currently is.
While you are still holding on to the guy you fell in love with, married, had babies with, a very evil mistress moved into your home by the name of addiction. Addiction is selfish.
As he commits to a recovery program, you are left holding the bag. I understand these folks are fighting for their lives, I commend and support those that can commit to recovery, but......... in the back of my mind I cannot help think well if you weren't so damn selfish in the first place, this never would have happened, for christ sake, it's just a glass of beer, wine, or a mixed drink and you let this overtake your/our life..........
And then I come to the present, and acknowledge this is a disease, a very ugly disease, and an alcoholic will carry this disease with him the rest of his life. Personally, I never want to be involved with an active or recovering alcoholic, but I certainly can empathize with their disease.
I can only suggest you get brutally honest with yourself meggam. The truth will allow you to live in peace.
IMHO, sometimes you have to take a step back to go forward. To be there on a daily basis, and be affected the way you currently are, is only going to create more resentment, and love does not/ cannot thrive in a bucket of resentment.
If today is as good as it ever will be is that good enough for you?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I think you will all be proud of me. I had the phone call. He was very honest and upfront and took responsibilty (he always does - it doesn't matter anymore. at least not today it doesn't) - I took pieces of all of your wonderful posts. I said "actions speak louder than words" - I said "I am glad you are addressing your issues, this is how I plan to address my issues" - I said "please do not presume to know what I want or think" "I can think for myself and I can make decisions for myself". He was very calm and gave me many valid reasons why he is under such stress and behaving badly (intermittently). He voiced that he knew he had no right to try to excuse..But I don't care. Not today I don't. I have heard this all before. The only difference is the alcohol has been wrung out of him. My current plan is to try to not have any expectations because I don't live in a castle. I thank you all. As always.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I've gotten the *You need to help me more around here* after our ordeal this summer. I just looked at him and he said, I did not mean that the way I said it!
I feel that he was so emersed in his self centered/destructive behavior for so long that his verbal filter had shut down because he was rarely using it in his binges but once the words left his mouth, he knew he hadto recognize his mistake and he did. It certainly didn't stop me from thinking... REALLY?!!! After all you've put me through?!!!
These A's literally lose themselves to addiction and even if they recover, we all must understand that they, nor we, will EVER be the same. I remember telling my husband when he was sober, over the phone, that I just wish he was the guy I once knew... and he said, I'll never be the same and neither will you and ya know what? He was right!
I feel that he was so emersed in his self centered/destructive behavior for so long that his verbal filter had shut down because he was rarely using it in his binges but once the words left his mouth, he knew he hadto recognize his mistake and he did. It certainly didn't stop me from thinking... REALLY?!!! After all you've put me through?!!!
These A's literally lose themselves to addiction and even if they recover, we all must understand that they, nor we, will EVER be the same. I remember telling my husband when he was sober, over the phone, that I just wish he was the guy I once knew... and he said, I'll never be the same and neither will you and ya know what? He was right!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
This is with daughter not spouse, but I'll summarize a conversation we just had a few minutes ago.
Dad (my husband, after working a 12 hour day at a very, very physical job): Listen honey, you have to start pulling your weight around here. We're not asking for much right now, just keep your room clean, walk your dog, put your dishes away.
Daughter: Well I worked all day and I have to go to a meeting in 15 minutes.
Dad: Ok, I understand, that is more important right now.
Mom (me). Bullsh*t. Your father is killing himself and I am getting up at 5AM to walk 3 dogs, then work all day and come home after working to cook, clean, feed dogs, etc. Put that damn phone down, get your plate, put it in the dishwasher and go clean your room. If you move, you can make the meeting. You can walk the dogs when you get back. SO MOVE.... NOW.
I'll give you one guess who the mean parent is!
Dad (my husband, after working a 12 hour day at a very, very physical job): Listen honey, you have to start pulling your weight around here. We're not asking for much right now, just keep your room clean, walk your dog, put your dishes away.
Daughter: Well I worked all day and I have to go to a meeting in 15 minutes.
Dad: Ok, I understand, that is more important right now.
Mom (me). Bullsh*t. Your father is killing himself and I am getting up at 5AM to walk 3 dogs, then work all day and come home after working to cook, clean, feed dogs, etc. Put that damn phone down, get your plate, put it in the dishwasher and go clean your room. If you move, you can make the meeting. You can walk the dogs when you get back. SO MOVE.... NOW.
I'll give you one guess who the mean parent is!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Meggem, your anger is vibrating through my computer and I can completely, utterly empathize with you because I have been going through the same thing myself.
I work full time too. My kids are 8 and 5. I know the frenzy of picking up the kids, making them dinner, bathing them, making sure their teeth are brushed, homework is done, there are clean clothes for tomorrow, reading to them and tucking them in.. It leaves you breathless. My AH hasn't been helping much at all either. He finally did the dishes. Probably because there were no clean ones for him to eat off of after he dirtied all of them.
Before my AH went back to work (before he was fired from the job on Monday) this past summer, he was a full time stay at home dad. This was prior to him relapsing and while AH was working a program, sponsoring people, etc. he still expected me to do that stuff even though that WAS HIS JOB. i was working full time outside the house to support us. i have always been the primary breadwinner. King baby never goes away with some people. Now that he has relapsed he says stupid b.s. when I ask him to pitch in like "now you see what it is like for me when you don't do anything. I'm teaching you a lesson". He hasn't said that in a while and I would entertain thoughts of homicide if he did.
Your husband and mine. their behavior, in large part, has some to do with A or RA behavior but a lot to do with being a selfish jerk. They cannot nor should not skate with " but I need to focus on my recovery." An alcoholic, drinking or not, can do all those things and be helpful. Heck, I'm a double winner. I've posted on here that I relapsed in August. I've been sober full time for 8 days now. Despite actively drinking I was doing all the things you describe doing that your supposedly in recovery AH is not helping you with. Someone may disagree with me but even if you are fully dedicated to your recovery, you can still bathe the kids. Or mow the lawn. Being in recovery does not give you a free pass to get treated like a delicate wilting flower who will rush out the door on the path to wrack and ruin if confronted with a broom and dust pan.
Just my opinion. I hope the steam has escaped before your head pops. I have felt that way more than once. In fact, writing here tonight has been therapeutic. I want to say that the more I do it all on my own with him under the same roof, I realize, like someone earlier posted, that I can and am strong enough to do it all without him under the roof. It may suck now but it shows our strength. Hugs!
I work full time too. My kids are 8 and 5. I know the frenzy of picking up the kids, making them dinner, bathing them, making sure their teeth are brushed, homework is done, there are clean clothes for tomorrow, reading to them and tucking them in.. It leaves you breathless. My AH hasn't been helping much at all either. He finally did the dishes. Probably because there were no clean ones for him to eat off of after he dirtied all of them.
Before my AH went back to work (before he was fired from the job on Monday) this past summer, he was a full time stay at home dad. This was prior to him relapsing and while AH was working a program, sponsoring people, etc. he still expected me to do that stuff even though that WAS HIS JOB. i was working full time outside the house to support us. i have always been the primary breadwinner. King baby never goes away with some people. Now that he has relapsed he says stupid b.s. when I ask him to pitch in like "now you see what it is like for me when you don't do anything. I'm teaching you a lesson". He hasn't said that in a while and I would entertain thoughts of homicide if he did.
Your husband and mine. their behavior, in large part, has some to do with A or RA behavior but a lot to do with being a selfish jerk. They cannot nor should not skate with " but I need to focus on my recovery." An alcoholic, drinking or not, can do all those things and be helpful. Heck, I'm a double winner. I've posted on here that I relapsed in August. I've been sober full time for 8 days now. Despite actively drinking I was doing all the things you describe doing that your supposedly in recovery AH is not helping you with. Someone may disagree with me but even if you are fully dedicated to your recovery, you can still bathe the kids. Or mow the lawn. Being in recovery does not give you a free pass to get treated like a delicate wilting flower who will rush out the door on the path to wrack and ruin if confronted with a broom and dust pan.
Just my opinion. I hope the steam has escaped before your head pops. I have felt that way more than once. In fact, writing here tonight has been therapeutic. I want to say that the more I do it all on my own with him under the same roof, I realize, like someone earlier posted, that I can and am strong enough to do it all without him under the roof. It may suck now but it shows our strength. Hugs!
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by meggem 
i think i witnessed quacking last night but i'm not sure.
I walk in the door and it’s like second shift for me, i start dinner, i have a toddler- need i explain further. Baths are needed – dinner is needed. It’s chaos. But not for my ra. And i use the letter r loosely.
Then he says ….”it seems to me that you consider me being home a free pass” something something. Basically all responsibility gets dumped on him. I don’t remember how he finished the sentence because i cannot believe he said that. The same person who said “whatever you need, you aren’t on an island anymore, a lot is going to change around here blah blah blah”
he later retracted that...
How does one accidently say “i hope you don’t think it’s ok to slack since i’m here tonight “ but really mean “i miss you and want to be a family?” – how does that happen?
I walk in the door and it’s like second shift for me, i start dinner, i have a toddler- need i explain further. Baths are needed – dinner is needed. It’s chaos. But not for my ra. And i use the letter r loosely.
Then he says ….”it seems to me that you consider me being home a free pass” something something. Basically all responsibility gets dumped on him. I don’t remember how he finished the sentence because i cannot believe he said that. The same person who said “whatever you need, you aren’t on an island anymore, a lot is going to change around here blah blah blah”
he later retracted that...
How does one accidently say “i hope you don’t think it’s ok to slack since i’m here tonight “ but really mean “i miss you and want to be a family?” – how does that happen?
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Originally Posted by meggem
He may as well just drink he’s still a self-centered rotten son of a B who is only good at reflection AFTER THE FACT. If he acted and spoke like he does AFTER THE FACT – it would be fine.
Originally Posted by meggem
I don't need this. It’s calmer when he’s not around. I DON’T NEED THIS. I textd him this morning and told him to consider our marital status as separated but living under the same roof. This is ridiculous.
I also think -which I told him – the best thing for my recovery – would be to get away from him. I’m so angry right now I could get a lawyer.
I also think -which I told him – the best thing for my recovery – would be to get away from him. I’m so angry right now I could get a lawyer.
Wishing you much luck, strength, and peace. And sending lots of ********{Hugs}}}}} your way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Onawa and Leana and Ruby and everyone else thank you so much. Onawa you made me LOL with the life-sized QUACK.
In all honesty I truly think he is doing the best he can with what he has. I'm just not sure it matters anymore. Onawa I think it is a combination of both. I do think what Boxin said too makes sense about him not having a proper filter since he is in early recovery is true to. I am just not sure it matters anymore. I think it may be too late but I don't know. I don't want it to be too late but when he was here last night for the 20 minutes before he left (by the way he did the dishes before he left) - I felt so on edge, so eww, so uncomfortable.
In all honesty I truly think he is doing the best he can with what he has. I'm just not sure it matters anymore. Onawa I think it is a combination of both. I do think what Boxin said too makes sense about him not having a proper filter since he is in early recovery is true to. I am just not sure it matters anymore. I think it may be too late but I don't know. I don't want it to be too late but when he was here last night for the 20 minutes before he left (by the way he did the dishes before he left) - I felt so on edge, so eww, so uncomfortable.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Meg...I know I feel relief when my AH is gone for the night or if he goes to bed early. I don't think it's supposto feel that way LOL.
Glad we all have each other to walk this walk together no matter what the outcome is!
Glad we all have each other to walk this walk together no matter what the outcome is!
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